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I met my wife 01-13 in CA online. We dated long distance from then, got married 11-13 and I relocated to join her in New Jersey, 04-14. Back then, she told me about having so many guys interested in her and contacting her when she was single and still on the online personal sites. I admit she's attractive, but didn't pay any attention to her statement since we were exclusive and going to marry each other. Our living situation is that she's away from me 5 days a week due to her nanny job in NYC, and we only see each other over the weekend, which also didn't ring in my mind as a lot of free time for her to contact other men, whether it be platonic or via emotional affair. Now for the difficult part...

One day, we went to do our laundry together, and her phone was buzzing with text messages when she went to the restroom. I picked the phone up and read the string of texts, which started before we left the house. The content was disturbing as she was carrying on with another guy like they were a romantic couple, and very obscene and intimate things were exchanged between the both of them. They professed "love" and "wanting to meet someday" in addition to the usual banter between men who want to get at a lady and my wife... When I brought it to her attention when she returned, and asked her what was going on with another guy, she said that she was pretending to be her friend in Los Angeles who's been harrassed by that person, and I told her why should she be picking up the slack for someone who cannot handle her own affairs, with the risk of me finding out and getting hurt and angry by those texts. My heart was in my throat and I had a hard time believing her, and told her to block the guy from her phone and tell her friend not to have her act as a third wheel for that purpose.

In the back of my mind, I didn't dismiss that event and further heightened my suspicions.

The following week, I decided to check out the online phone bill, and even shocking was the amount of phone calls and "back and forth" texting on her line, which amounted to 2500+ texts and about 800 phone calls. Another red flag I needed to investigate... I put a list together of phone numbers I knew were not her close friends and ones familiar to me. When I called or texted those numbers, of which the times called or texted were late evening or early morning, and sometimes all day, since we're apart 5 days a week. One day even had over 100 texts back and forth to different states where she does not have family or friends... When I check the bills on days when she's with me, the usage calms down due to her contacting only friends and family...

Even more difficult was her reasoning for having such a high volume of calls and texts to numbers unknown to me... After I brought the high usage of her phoneline, she flat out told me "I'm not that type of woman", "I never contacted anyone outside of the marriage", and "I don't know who's doing this"... She told me that her phone was "hacked" by scammers or something to that effect... I called our phone carrier, and asked them if something like that was possible, but the only way that someone can hack someone's phone to control it was to have the physical cell phone in hand, especially if it was stolen from her, but she's had that phone in her possession all the time since she bought it...

In a nutshell, I'm debating on purchasing spy software to monitor her phone calls, texts and internet usage. I'm not going to appear jealous or possessive to her, so as not to bring up any suspicion, and play it smart to make sure I have solid proof. If that's the case, then of course, confrontation is in order, but till then, I'm going to remain mature and mellow about it. Thanks for listening!

In a nutshell, I'm debating on purchasing spy software to monitor her phone calls, texts and internet usage.

You will never know for sure unless you do those things.

Since you have already seen all of these phone calls and texts, you already know something is not right. So the only way to know for sure is to become a PI and snoop. Otherwise, you will wonder forever.

But do not confront her again until you have solid evidence. And dont lose the evidence.

Yes, she is clearly cheating on you. I'd bet good money on it. I wish that weren't true.

However, the spy software is going to be the way forwards because she's clearly going to deny everything. Either that or start taking photos of texts etc. However, sooner or later she'll get sneakier about it, so you might as well cut to the chase and start monitoring her covertly now with spy software.

I'm sorry, you must be frightened and in pain. We get it, you're amongst people who understand.

[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 4:42 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Her excuse makes no sense. Our stories sound a bit similar, online sexting, and professing their love for each other etc.
I had to dig and investigate in order to get the truth. Trust me, cheaters only confess to what you can prove.
Investigate, my man. I hope she's telling the truth. Best of luck to you

Thanks for the replies. Another excuse about having an ex female friend against her in California and setting up a fake personals account was another thing I didn't add to my post, since there's a lot on my mind regarding the relationship. When I checked the personal ad out (with help from Spokeo for me to find the ads), there were pictures of her I knew came from her cell phone, the personal information was spot on, and though she was never active on that site (never acknowledged any suitors or answered any posts), it was disgusting what these guys were posting on there to get her attention... I'm not bitter or the least bit angry, but if worse comes to worse and it ends, then at least I have a chance to find a real relationship with happiness...

Yes, she is cheating. It might all.be online, but highly doubtful. Chances are, she is meeting some of these men in person.

You need to.protect yourself . No more unprotected sex..and get tested for STD's.

I'm sorry.

Get an annulment and run.

Imagine the chaos if you bring kids etc into this. Not a healthy environment.

You have made it clear that she has broken boundaries, and yet she continues to break them. You cannot force someone to be in a relationship.

Lordy. She's one of those people who become enamored with dating sites and can't resist the interaction they generate.

You read about this stuff all the time on dating site message forums. So many people post that the person they met and have been dating for the last year or so secretly kept their profile up and have been active on it all along.

She's WAY over the top, though. Hundreds and hundreds of calls and thousands of texts - and she has the audacity to claim her phone was hacked? I laugh every time I hear that ridiculous excuse - and a lot of cheaters actually try to make that claim. Sheesh.

It's unfortunate, but I think you married in haste and didn't get to spend enough one-on-one time with this woman before you committed to her, and now you're paying the price for it. I completely, 100% agree with ZedLepplin above me - get an annulment and run like the wind.

Now is not the time to try and go sleuthing. You already know enough to show very clearly that this woman is deeply unsafe. I know you're in love, I know you're invested in your belief of a future together--but that future is a dream, and the reality is just never-ending trauma and betrayal and pain. You are very newly married, hardly know this woman, and can still pull out. I know that it takes time for our heart to catch up with our head, and for denial to fade, but please, please see that there is no hope for reforming someone like this. She is gaslighting you very intensely and while waiting to get good proof to confront does make sense, I hope you simultaneously consult with a divorce attorney and make exit plans for yourself.

I'm so sorry.