Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Anderson78

Reconciliation :
ugh, I lurked...

This Topic is Archived
default

 rachelc (original poster member #30314) posted at 11:48 PM on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014

on OW2's facebook page. A friend of a friend came up and I clicked. Why? Too damn close, makes it too damn real. It had been about a year since I did this. Brings up all kinds of bad feeling crap.

ugh. Lots of triggery posts today.

I probably need to stay offline. But it really happened. It really did. And I hate it.

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6858311
default

tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 11:54 PM on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014

Why do you think you did it?

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

posts: 7444   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Inside my head
id 6858321
default

blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 12:16 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Really starting to hate FB!

Sorry you lurked because of what it did to you.

For now.....be gentle on yourself.

Sometime in the future....figure out as many "whys" as you can regarding your choice. Much growth can come of such efforts.

Peace, my friend.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 6858340
default

karmahappens ( member #35846) posted at 12:41 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Love to you rach.... we have all done it. Back on the horse (((hugs)))

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

posts: 4036   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2012   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 6858360
default

wincing_at_light ( member #14393) posted at 12:54 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Sorry, rachel.

I can assure you that you're like 100x better than her at everything.

You can trust me on this. I'm a master of the interwebs.

You can't beat the Axis if you get VD

posts: 7086   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2007   ·   location: Indiana
id 6858375
default

 rachelc (original poster member #30314) posted at 1:01 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Ya know – this happened today. My IC is retiring and I’m looking for a new one. So I make an appointment with this Amanda person who I found at a new place. I’m sleeping and I think to myself (my best thinking comes in my sleep for some reason) wait a minute, Amanda is the name of my husband’s old EAP therapist. She’s the one who he told that he met this new woman (OW#2) and she said, “that must make you feel powerful” and from my knowledge, did not tell him to not pursue her or end it with her. She’s also the one who I talked to on DDay 2 – he told me his appointment with her was canceled but he didn’t tell me HE canceled it so he could continue his PA with OW2 in the park that day. So I called Amanda asking who canceled that appointment and she wouldn’t tell me! And of course she can’t, she’s under confidentiality shit. But I remember feeling so pissed at her.

So I look her up again and it’s the same Amanda but she went to a different place to work. And ya know the real kicker here people, OW#2 is the director of that division of the hospital that runs the EAP - so she reminds me of that day I hate so much.

Fucking eh. That’s what happened today.

Along with some posts (not your thread TG) but from someone who said if they’re not in it as much or more than you then leave… among other posts…

but ya know, once in a year - I'm good with that! Will talk to hubby after he's done mowing the lawn.

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:02 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6858380
default

hopefull77 ( member #43221) posted at 1:10 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Bye bye facebook...

I totally know how easy it is to try and catch a glimpse...

even though I blocked her and she blocked me....I have too many friends who post pictures of us...plus my kids post pictures....the whole FB thing is creepy...so I deactivated my account...if she wants to painshop and or lurk I cant stop it but it wont be me posting my life on that site....

I have learned from smart people like you to not give the AP anymore of my brain space....I am trying!!!

I wish you peace Rachel!!

me-BS him-WS

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now."

posts: 2885   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2014   ·   location: sunny california
id 6858387
default

veronique12 ( member #42185) posted at 1:46 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

((rachel))

BW, D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

posts: 894   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2014
id 6858436
default

Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 1:54 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

(((rachelc)))

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6858439
default

blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 2:34 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Seems like a grad student could study the relationship between FB and adultery.

A friend of ours started changing her profile picture regularly....all "selfies". Wife noted it (regular FB user) fir a bit.....then it came out this girl had hooked up with a man of her past. No coincidence her FB page took a "me, me, me" feel to it. She has chosen to D and enjoy her new soul mate.

It does suck......the OM can lurk my wife just as she lurks him.

But if not FB, it would be some other avenue. Adultery been around long before FB and texting.

It's from this acceptance that I finally broke my compulsive "trust but verify" with my wife. Fact is while I was doing this she was able to hide herself from me.

It is shocking how tech today makes adultery such an easy fruit to grow and pick. Ashley Madison has billboards up.

Hang tough but gentle rachelc. Hardened hearts make for bitter people....and lead to destructive choices.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:29 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 6858468
default

RippedSoul ( member #40055) posted at 2:59 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

I think I'll be googling her name, occasionally, until the day I die.

BW: 55; SLAWH: 52; M: 28 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute 1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (WH confessed: P1, AP, escorts 1 & 2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 26; DD: 24; DS: 22; DS: 20
I've never NOT edited my posts.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2013   ·   location: West
id 6858497
default

Morhurt ( member #40166) posted at 4:47 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

I did it today too, but on Pinterest. Her name popped up when I was searching kid costume ideas because I've searched her before. I looked and I felt sick.

It's awful isn't it? I felt a huge wave of anger and hurt (which is rare) and at H and disgust at myself.

But here we are. Still walking the path. I find I check less and less often and it sounds like it's the same for you.

((Hugs))

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

posts: 1127   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: Canada
id 6858605
default

brokensmile322 ( member #35758) posted at 11:14 AM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

(((Rachel)))

I so understand…

I do it too and I hate to admit, I do it regularly.

I wish I knew why. I am so curious about this person who caught my WH's attention.

And she changes her cover photo AND facebook photo at least 3 times a week, if not more.

She is very pretty and she will repost the same photos at different times…and not just repost them, reshare them so there is a blank slate and she can garner a whole bunch of 'likes' and comments again on the same photo.

Everyone telling her how gorgeous she is… it is nauseating.

I am getting close to stopping because I am really wrestling with why I let her occupy my headspace. I guess I am just fascinated.

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

posts: 2040   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2012
id 6858730
default

 rachelc (original poster member #30314) posted at 12:42 PM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

thanks my SI people!

Told him about it and he asked why I torture myself, which is what his therapist said I'm doing. I disagree. It would be if I did it every day I suppose but I'm being gentle with myself while still looking for reasons. I found a new IC!

I did ask him the question I wanted to from last week. Do you blame me at all for what you did and I even said think about it and answer later. But he said that he takes 100% responsibility and other things he said regarding that previously were said in anger and frustration.

I said the pain of divorce would be worse than the pain I am in now. He asked if I was sure, because I seem pretty hurt. He said the financial, social, and embarrassment aspects of divorce would be hard for him. I said (crying) I didn't give a shit about all that and to please not stay with me because of that. That I'm here because of love and hope. he said he was too. I do believe him, but I'm sure those other things matter to him too.

We're going away for the weekend - 7 hours! And I so love getting away from this town. It's like I can think better.

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6858775
default

blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 12:45 PM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Big Dave Ramsey fan here. In a show recently he mentioned a startling stat. Don't remember the exact percentage but it was either 41% or 61% of last years D proceedings referenced FB as a compnent.

Now, I don't know if that means the "external validation" that happens, the compulsive use if it, finding old flames or a new "compassionate ear" or just how FB played into D.....just that it is a factor.

I mention this to encourage others to really find out why they are lurking. And I'm not saying lurking us bad. Just figure out why you feel you must look. Then see the many motivations why those feelings exist. Then find ways to fill those motivations and needs in ways that nurture your relationship with your spouse.

I'm still working on this myself.....figuring out what nurtures my relationship with the woman I vowed to have my needs met, who I vowed to cherish. I'm doing this at the same time I am nurturing and tending to my need to heal from the trauma I have been through.

Rachelc.....your M is changing for the better. Do you think your lurking is tied to a part of you that isn't ready to heal yet? A part of you that still needs to face some pretty tough feelings?

I ask because this is why I have done some things that make me think "ugh....why do I do this to myself?!??!" before. I have done it enough to know it is a regular pattern for me......to intentionally do stuff that increases pain in an area. Not pain shopping so much as pain inventory. Shopping eludes to "picking up more".....inventory is "counting that which you already have but haven't seen it".

KWIM?

My gut tells me you are at some sort of threshold......

Keep the faith.

Peace

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 6858778
default

JustShine ( member #42195) posted at 12:49 PM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Pain inventory....I like that blake.

I hope you have a great weekend away, rachelc.

DDay 10/23/13

Me 42, he 44
3 kids

posts: 204   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2014
id 6858782
default

brokensmile322 ( member #35758) posted at 1:08 PM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

I, too, think you are at a threshold, Rachel. Your posts are different from just a few months ago.

Have a fantabulous time away!

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

posts: 2040   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2012
id 6858798
default

 rachelc (original poster member #30314) posted at 1:18 PM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

Do you think your lurking is tied to a part of you that isn't ready to heal yet? A part of you that still needs to face some pretty tough feelings?

possibly. But I don't know what those feelings are.

Sometimes when things are going good I may do that to remind myself that it was real and to not get too comfortable yet.

Even though his affairs were not about me, they were hits to my ego (I apparently have a big one). I cant' stand that there are other people out there his is/or has been attracted to. I want it to be just me. It feels very close to abandonment I felt as a child. I was good enough. He (my father) still left. And although logically those actions are about them, they still affect me because I feel unwanted, that someone didn't put me first. That unwanted feeling is why I'm still kind of stuck - because I see his unwillingness to move as not putting me first.

the pain inventory thing: I'm a librarian. I catalog things for a living. Believe me there's a file cabinet in my head of the transgressions.

I have files for forgiven stuff, stuff I can't get over, stuff I'll never understand and doens't matter anymore, stuff I'm not sure is the truth, stuff I know is the truth, etc. The lurking may be something about ok, here she is, she's real and it really happened, do I feel any differently about it now? I think I'm reaching more acceptance of the affairs (which is good!), but I'm still not happy with present situation.

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6858806
default

tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 1:43 PM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

It feels very close to abandonment I felt as a child. I was good enough. He (my father) still left.

How much work have you done on this? I see this as so connected to what happened with your H and why you can't let go of what happened. I think when you can resolve the one the other will follow.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

posts: 7444   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Inside my head
id 6858836
default

JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 1:55 PM on Thursday, July 3rd, 2014

((rachel))

I fall down that rabbit hole sometimes and I always regret it afterward. And it tends to be when I'm feeling vulnerable/upset about something else already. I'm really sorry. I hope today is better.

posts: 9505   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 6858850
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy