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ugh, I lurked...

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rachelc posted 7/2/2014 17:48 PM

on OW2's facebook page. A friend of a friend came up and I clicked. Why? Too damn close, makes it too damn real. It had been about a year since I did this. Brings up all kinds of bad feeling crap.
ugh. Lots of triggery posts today.
I probably need to stay offline. But it really happened. It really did. And I hate it.

tired girl posted 7/2/2014 17:54 PM

Why do you think you did it?

blakesteele posted 7/2/2014 18:16 PM

Really starting to hate FB!

Sorry you lurked because of what it did to you.

For gentle on yourself.

Sometime in the future....figure out as many "whys" as you can regarding your choice. Much growth can come of such efforts.

Peace, my friend.

karmahappens posted 7/2/2014 18:41 PM

Love to you rach.... we have all done it. Back on the horse (((hugs)))

wincing_at_light posted 7/2/2014 18:54 PM

Sorry, rachel.

I can assure you that you're like 100x better than her at everything.

You can trust me on this. I'm a master of the interwebs.

rachelc posted 7/2/2014 19:01 PM

Ya know – this happened today. My IC is retiring and I’m looking for a new one. So I make an appointment with this Amanda person who I found at a new place. I’m sleeping and I think to myself (my best thinking comes in my sleep for some reason) wait a minute, Amanda is the name of my husband’s old EAP therapist. She’s the one who he told that he met this new woman (OW#2) and she said, “that must make you feel powerful” and from my knowledge, did not tell him to not pursue her or end it with her. She’s also the one who I talked to on DDay 2 – he told me his appointment with her was canceled but he didn’t tell me HE canceled it so he could continue his PA with OW2 in the park that day. So I called Amanda asking who canceled that appointment and she wouldn’t tell me! And of course she can’t, she’s under confidentiality shit. But I remember feeling so pissed at her.

So I look her up again and it’s the same Amanda but she went to a different place to work. And ya know the real kicker here people, OW#2 is the director of that division of the hospital that runs the EAP - so she reminds me of that day I hate so much.

Fucking eh. That’s what happened today.
Along with some posts (not your thread TG) but from someone who said if they’re not in it as much or more than you then leave… among other posts…

but ya know, once in a year - I'm good with that! Will talk to hubby after he's done mowing the lawn.

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:02 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

hopefull77 posted 7/2/2014 19:10 PM

Bye bye facebook...
I totally know how easy it is to try and catch a glimpse...
even though I blocked her and she blocked me....I have too many friends who post pictures of my kids post pictures....the whole FB thing is I deactivated my account...if she wants to painshop and or lurk I cant stop it but it wont be me posting my life on that site....
I have learned from smart people like you to not give the AP anymore of my brain space....I am trying!!!
I wish you peace Rachel!!

veronique12 posted 7/2/2014 19:46 PM


Jrazz posted 7/2/2014 19:54 PM


blakesteele posted 7/2/2014 20:34 PM

Seems like a grad student could study the relationship between FB and adultery.

A friend of ours started changing her profile picture regularly....all "selfies". Wife noted it (regular FB user) fir a bit.....then it came out this girl had hooked up with a man of her past. No coincidence her FB page took a "me, me, me" feel to it. She has chosen to D and enjoy her new soul mate.

It does suck......the OM can lurk my wife just as she lurks him.

But if not FB, it would be some other avenue. Adultery been around long before FB and texting.

It's from this acceptance that I finally broke my compulsive "trust but verify" with my wife. Fact is while I was doing this she was able to hide herself from me.

It is shocking how tech today makes adultery such an easy fruit to grow and pick. Ashley Madison has billboards up.

Hang tough but gentle rachelc. Hardened hearts make for bitter people....and lead to destructive choices.


[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:29 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

RippedSoul posted 7/2/2014 20:59 PM

I think I'll be googling her name, occasionally, until the day I die.

Morhurt posted 7/2/2014 22:47 PM

I did it today too, but on Pinterest. Her name popped up when I was searching kid costume ideas because I've searched her before. I looked and I felt sick.
It's awful isn't it? I felt a huge wave of anger and hurt (which is rare) and at H and disgust at myself.
But here we are. Still walking the path. I find I check less and less often and it sounds like it's the same for you.

brokensmile322 posted 7/3/2014 05:14 AM


I so understand…

I do it too and I hate to admit, I do it regularly.

I wish I knew why. I am so curious about this person who caught my WH's attention.

And she changes her cover photo AND facebook photo at least 3 times a week, if not more.

She is very pretty and she will repost the same photos at different times…and not just repost them, reshare them so there is a blank slate and she can garner a whole bunch of 'likes' and comments again on the same photo.

Everyone telling her how gorgeous she is… it is nauseating.

I am getting close to stopping because I am really wrestling with why I let her occupy my headspace. I guess I am just fascinated.

rachelc posted 7/3/2014 06:42 AM

thanks my SI people!

Told him about it and he asked why I torture myself, which is what his therapist said I'm doing. I disagree. It would be if I did it every day I suppose but I'm being gentle with myself while still looking for reasons. I found a new IC!

I did ask him the question I wanted to from last week. Do you blame me at all for what you did and I even said think about it and answer later. But he said that he takes 100% responsibility and other things he said regarding that previously were said in anger and frustration.

I said the pain of divorce would be worse than the pain I am in now. He asked if I was sure, because I seem pretty hurt. He said the financial, social, and embarrassment aspects of divorce would be hard for him. I said (crying) I didn't give a shit about all that and to please not stay with me because of that. That I'm here because of love and hope. he said he was too. I do believe him, but I'm sure those other things matter to him too.

We're going away for the weekend - 7 hours! And I so love getting away from this town. It's like I can think better.

blakesteele posted 7/3/2014 06:45 AM

Big Dave Ramsey fan here. In a show recently he mentioned a startling stat. Don't remember the exact percentage but it was either 41% or 61% of last years D proceedings referenced FB as a compnent.

Now, I don't know if that means the "external validation" that happens, the compulsive use if it, finding old flames or a new "compassionate ear" or just how FB played into D.....just that it is a factor.

I mention this to encourage others to really find out why they are lurking. And I'm not saying lurking us bad. Just figure out why you feel you must look. Then see the many motivations why those feelings exist. Then find ways to fill those motivations and needs in ways that nurture your relationship with your spouse.

I'm still working on this myself.....figuring out what nurtures my relationship with the woman I vowed to have my needs met, who I vowed to cherish. I'm doing this at the same time I am nurturing and tending to my need to heal from the trauma I have been through.

Rachelc.....your M is changing for the better. Do you think your lurking is tied to a part of you that isn't ready to heal yet? A part of you that still needs to face some pretty tough feelings?

I ask because this is why I have done some things that make me think "ugh....why do I do this to myself?!??!" before. I have done it enough to know it is a regular pattern for intentionally do stuff that increases pain in an area. Not pain shopping so much as pain inventory. Shopping eludes to "picking up more".....inventory is "counting that which you already have but haven't seen it".


My gut tells me you are at some sort of threshold......

Keep the faith.


JustShine posted 7/3/2014 06:49 AM

Pain inventory....I like that blake.

I hope you have a great weekend away, rachelc.

brokensmile322 posted 7/3/2014 07:08 AM

I, too, think you are at a threshold, Rachel. Your posts are different from just a few months ago.

Have a fantabulous time away!

rachelc posted 7/3/2014 07:18 AM

Do you think your lurking is tied to a part of you that isn't ready to heal yet? A part of you that still needs to face some pretty tough feelings?

possibly. But I don't know what those feelings are.
Sometimes when things are going good I may do that to remind myself that it was real and to not get too comfortable yet.

Even though his affairs were not about me, they were hits to my ego (I apparently have a big one). I cant' stand that there are other people out there his is/or has been attracted to. I want it to be just me. It feels very close to abandonment I felt as a child. I was good enough. He (my father) still left. And although logically those actions are about them, they still affect me because I feel unwanted, that someone didn't put me first. That unwanted feeling is why I'm still kind of stuck - because I see his unwillingness to move as not putting me first.

the pain inventory thing: I'm a librarian. I catalog things for a living. Believe me there's a file cabinet in my head of the transgressions.
I have files for forgiven stuff, stuff I can't get over, stuff I'll never understand and doens't matter anymore, stuff I'm not sure is the truth, stuff I know is the truth, etc. The lurking may be something about ok, here she is, she's real and it really happened, do I feel any differently about it now? I think I'm reaching more acceptance of the affairs (which is good!), but I'm still not happy with present situation.

tired girl posted 7/3/2014 07:43 AM

It feels very close to abandonment I felt as a child. I was good enough. He (my father) still left.

How much work have you done on this? I see this as so connected to what happened with your H and why you can't let go of what happened. I think when you can resolve the one the other will follow.

JanaGreen posted 7/3/2014 07:55 AM


I fall down that rabbit hole sometimes and I always regret it afterward. And it tends to be when I'm feeling vulnerable/upset about something else already. I'm really sorry. I hope today is better.

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