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Just told her I want a D.

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mattolivia posted 7/2/2014 18:17 PM

Well it's been 6 day since I confirmed every thing I assumed. The trust is not there. I thought I would R. But the devil is in the details. And that's something I can't get out of my mind. I don't want to be a single father at age 40. But I have a dedication towards my children that I'm certain they will see and when they are old enough will respect my decision to leave. I'm so mad at my W for putting us into this position. She wants to R but I can not. This is the second time. There will not be a third.

shiloe posted 7/2/2014 18:20 PM


I am so sorry. I understand. When they do it a second time, it truly shows you who they are and what their priorities are (themselves) and their true characters (unrepentant cheaters).

Hang on, it's going to be a long, hard road.

I wish you and your kids the best.

mattolivia posted 7/2/2014 18:25 PM

Her A was with her sons friend who is 20 years younger than her. I tried to convince myself it's a midlife crisis because their is no logic behind the facts. Her 44 Him 24.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/2/2014 18:29 PM

See an attorney asap to protect you and the kids.

Tred posted 7/2/2014 18:31 PM

Damn Brother. If you are sure, you might want to post for advice down in the divorce/separation thread. I agree with lawyering up.

mattolivia posted 7/2/2014 18:46 PM

yeah i should have. sorry I'm so new to this.. after 5 days i was willing to R but the more time goes by the madder i get.

Brandon808 posted 7/2/2014 19:07 PM

Sorry you're here but I'm glad you found SI. If you know you're done then you're done. Considering this...

This is the second time. There will not be a third.
...I don't blame you. I didn't file for D after the 1st dday but after the 2nd one I realized enough was enough.

Jrazz posted 7/2/2014 19:10 PM


We are here for you. Don't look at it in terms of "Single Father at 40."

You aren't defined by that. You are so much more.

craig2001 posted 7/2/2014 19:14 PM

yeah i should have. sorry I'm so new to this.. after 5 days i was willing to R but the more time goes by the madder i get.
Most say you shouldn't make this decision so soon and this mad.

Was the first affair dealt with completely or swept under the rug.

Did she ever go to any type of therapy after the first affair. Obviously she has some problems, that it is too bad were not dealt with after the first affair,

But it very well might not have been obvious then.

crisp posted 7/2/2014 19:14 PM

I don't know how big your town is in Ohio, but you may want to modify your profile so that your town name is not listed---anonymity and all that.

By all means lawyer up and start the process. Since this is the second time around, I do not suggest you hold off and not make what might be a hasty decision. You seem to know this is a breaking point. Given the repeat offender status, you are already somewhat prepared and the shock factor is not as strong. If you change your mind down the road OK, but proceed with what is in your gut now.

mattolivia posted 7/2/2014 19:15 PM

She is so remorseful and wants to R. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to forgive. And I will never forget.

craig2001 posted 7/2/2014 19:19 PM

None of us ever forget, that is the miserable part. Especially twice. You think after the first time, that NO WAY would she do that again. And then again, and you are in many ways more shocked than the first time.

Because you did forgive and re-trust after the first time.

Maybe looking back you know everything that was done wrong and if there is any R, she will have to do a ton of work on herself.

damaged71 posted 7/2/2014 19:20 PM

This is the thing...

The first time they can claim ignorance on how much pain it was going to cause you.

The second time they can't.

I agree with you as far as filing goes. Do you really want to have someone in your life that would do that knowing it would cause you that kind of pain? On top of that doing it purely for selfish reasons?

Good luck sir...

Brandon808 posted 7/2/2014 19:24 PM

She is so remorseful and wants to R.
There is a difference between remorse and regret. Being sorry she got caught is not the same as genuinely being remorseful for the pain she caused...again.

mattolivia posted 7/2/2014 19:25 PM

The first time was a " delete it and forget it". With minimal explanation . If I handled it better. I don't know.

craig2001 posted 7/2/2014 19:32 PM

The first time was a " delete it and forget it". With minimal explanation . If I handled it better. I don't know.
Sweeping it under the rug is the worst thing, obviously.

I would hope she has some answers this time. But more than likely, unless she is completely honest with herself, she wont have the WHY answer.

That takes complete honesty and many WSs aren't willing to look inside themselves for that answer.

Many times, when there are multiple affairs, the why answer is because of issues that happened long ago as a child.

I am guessing the OM is single and doesnt care.

mattolivia posted 7/2/2014 19:39 PM

Yep. I'm sure he views her as a MILF. Just a number in a total count.

Schadenfreude posted 7/2/2014 19:44 PM

Here I go again.

When you see the lawyer, have a checklist of topics

Fees and costs
Time for procedure contested and uncontested
Support for kids
Spousal support
Medical insurance/expenses
Assets and debts (approximate ok for now)
Property division
Role of fault, if any, in your jurisdiction
Anything else you can think of

Do not fight over trinkets. Only the lawyers benefit from higher fees they honestly didn't cause.

Learn your rights and responsibilities More knowledge = less fear= less likely to be bullshitted by WW.

StillStanding1 posted 7/2/2014 20:21 PM

Please check your PMs

shiloe posted 7/2/2014 20:22 PM

He is 24!!?? and her own son's friend.

WTF?! Her poor son. I don't care if the guy is only 24, he is a no-good friend.

That she would have sex with her son's friend is F*#ked up. what the hell is wrong with her?

I hope her son never finds out.

[This message edited by shiloe at 8:24 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

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