SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Tigaress posted 7/2/2014 20:52 PM

My husband cheated on me and I found out on Sunday. I kicked him out and haven't talked to him since, only exchanged text messages. He seemed to be wanting to reconcile but when I requested that he had no contact with the slut he stopped responding to me. That was yesterday evening. I don't know if I want to try reconciliation but at the same time losing my husband of eight years feels like losing an arm or a leg. He's just a part of me, even though our marriage was already bad before he started cheating. How can it be more important for him to be in touch with this person than to be in communication with me after he proclaimed that he wanted to fix things?

Holly-Isis posted 7/2/2014 21:06 PM

Because she goes along with the fantasy that he's a "good guy" doing the "right thing."

You're a reminder of what an ass he's being.

I admire you. I know it's hard but had I taken a strong stance like you when MrH cheated 7 or so years into our M, I might have never had to find SI in '07 because he had another A.

Keep strong. There's two people in a M. No more, no less. Read the Healing Library, BS FAQs #11. The 180. Some of this is happening by his NC but other things in the list you can do to begin detachment.

Have you outed the A yet? For instance to their work if either used work resources? Or to a BH if she has one?

hardtimesinlife posted 7/2/2014 21:14 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like your H is in the affair fog. That is where waywards thing they can do anything they want without a care in the world. It hurts. Bad.

He may flip back and forth a few more times before he - or you - decides what the plan is going to be.

The best plan for the situation in which you find yourself is to implement the 180. That is where you concentrate solely on taking care of you. You shift your focus from him - his plans, his actions, his thoughts, his wrongs - to you. What do you want? How can you help yourself? What can you do to take care of yourself? It may be seeing an attorney to find out where you stand. It is eating right, exercising, drinking lots of water. It is making sure you keep up with daily hygiene. It may be taking half of the joint savings so that he doesn't clean out the funds. It could be taking a few days to go see your relatives. Reading things that will empower you.

The 180 sounds hard and, truthfully, it is. But it can make a world of difference to your outlook. It allows you to gain strength even though you are going through hell. It means not contacting him unless it is about children or finances. It means distracting yourself when you want to dwell on the misery of it all. It means not taking his calls unless it's about kids or finances. It means not trying to find out what he or ow is up to. It allows your heart and mind a break from the constant pain. it takes practice. When I was in the thick of it I made a list of my 180 accomplishments and would read them when I felt weak.

I can promise you that this pain will not last forever. It will get better one way or another. For now I'm sending big hugs your way.

Badhurt posted 7/2/2014 21:21 PM

Forget about what he wants as far as reconciliation. It is what you want and do you want to sacrifice your dignity and self esteem just to be with him.

You throwing him out showed a LOT more courage than a lot of men are showing on this board. But like the advice given to them, you will not nice him back and giving in will not help you.

If his AP is married, blow it up to the partner of AP. Men usually come out of the fog much quicker than women in general because for most men once they lose the sex the affair loses its appeal. Women are generally more emotionally involved and in my opinion a much more difficult proposition. You do not see too many men that want to or claim they just have to be friends after the sex stops.

if he is married or you can blow it up at his work that may stop it. Either way, you shold not put up with this for a second

BaseballMom31 posted 7/2/2014 22:16 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am/went through the same things in the last month. Very little texting and never answering his phone. Unfortunately, I learned he was with his whore so he couldn't be bothered with his wife.

I was told to try the 180. I wasn't strong enough to make it through too long with no communication but hopefully, you can try it. It may just help you. Good luck!

HeBrokeVows posted 7/2/2014 22:32 PM

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can relate. After WH left he never called me or came over to talk things out. He rarely returnedu texts or emails. I assumed if he's not with me after over two months of this, he must be with OW. To this date of almost 4 months out, I don't know where he lives. Stay empowered. Take control of the situation. He's been controlling it too long. Hugs to you!

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/3/2014 06:27 AM

It's very possible he's detached himself emotionally from you and the marriage and intends to move on. You say it was a bad marriage before the cheating started, so it sounds as though he's chosen to move on (in a very cowardly way, of course). It also sounds as though the texting stopped because he may have been with her.

Cut him off at the knees. Someone who claims to want to fix his marriage - then completely disappears when you tell him no contact between he and his OW is one of your conditions for reconciliation - isn't in it to win it.

Talk is cheap. His words mean absolutely NOTHING. These cheaters will spew all kinds of empty promises, proclamations of love and platitudes to you to appease you and keep you hanging around waiting for them while they CONTINUE living their double lives. Don't give him the opportunity. Cut him off. 100%.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 6:28 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/3/2014 08:56 AM

Here's another vote for taking care of YOU. It's not up to him if you want to let someone who betrayed you back into your life. You don't have to decide anything today but knowledge is power. Before you even read his next message, talk with an attorney and find out what your position is legally. Take care and know you've got support here.

norabird posted 7/3/2014 09:26 AM

I know it seems unthinkable to be without him and that the pain of rejection is incomprehensible. But while it seems impossible to be without him, it's not. You can and will be fine without him. Once you learn to accept that, you will be in a much stronger decision to move forward with either R or D. You have to be strong enough to know you can be without him in order to act rationally instead of acting out of blind emotion. It's hard amidst the hurt to step back but it's crucial to do so. Dig deep and pull on your bitch boots. He is disrespecting and hurting you--so why should you automatically want him back anyway? The urge to repair everything is so strong but it is not the only option. you will be okay no matter what happens, with o without your WH. Believe that.