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Need to just write and get support

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justme1264 posted 7/2/2014 21:02 PM

My stbxw and I are staying separated and continuing the divorce (my choice). She has committed to IC, NC, and to work on our relationship one day at a time. Things are going well, we are talking a lot, and both continue to work on ourselves.

I need to vent a bit so that I don't over react with her. She had the affair with her coworker who has since move to a different area in the company's building. She has blocked his number and has had complete transparency with me since. She told me she told him it was over and to never contact her again or see her at work. Thing is, he has since left two voicemails weeks apart. The first voicemail fully indicated she was not speaking to him. The second, which just happened yesterday, sounds like a very casual, "goodmonring, give me a call back sometime." I confronted her on it and she said she never got the voicemail (I can check on her account online). I deleted the voicemail but saved it to my computer.

I want to trust her, but a red flag has been raised. I asked her in a text that what would make this all go away, ease my doubts, and mean the world to me, was if she would now call him back in front of me and reinforce her original demand to never contact her again or she would take action as she would any stalker. I am curious to what her response will be.

I know if she refuses it would create a TON of problems for me internally, and I think would end our R. If she agrees: has anyone done this with the WS before? What do you recommend I do/don't do when she calls him? I could just really use some support right now.

Thank you so MUCH in advance!!!

[This message edited by justme1264 at 9:03 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

stupidgurl posted 7/2/2014 22:12 PM

She may be hesitant, but if she ultimately agrees to then you are all good. I know that I would cringe at having to do anything with OM, but if my H needed me to I would because that is how you prove things, with actions, not just words.

Jrazz posted 7/3/2014 01:33 AM

I'm a little confused about your situation. You say you are separated and headed for D, and then...

I know if she refuses it would create a TON of problems for me internally, and I think would end our R.

If you are committing to divorce, then the relationship is ended. I know this is not addressing your original question, but I think that it is like playing mindgames with your own heart when you say that "it's over" and then need something from her in the same breath.

Addressing the area in which you need support specifically, I'd say that logistically it's simple. If she is agreeing to your terms in hope of reconciliation, then she will do this without hesitation. Well, perhaps a little hesitation is normal but refusing means that she is not committed to ending it with the OM.

However this shakes out, I just hope that you are clear with yourself about the lines you have drawn and the path you are on.


justme1264 posted 7/7/2014 17:27 PM

Jrazz -

I don't trust her enough to stop the divorce. It's complicated, but for me, the marriage is over. She ended that back in March, and it's a consequence of her choices. What we have now is not a marriage; it's a relationship of which I have yet to figure out where it is going.

The more that time goes by the more I just want to walk away. It' as if she keeps chipping away at what love I have left for her. I think she wants to be someone she is not yet ready to be. It's just sad to be honest. I am moving forward and it's a constant roller coaster. Some days it is moving towards a future together and others it is moving away from her. The good thing is I have completely severed all ties with her financially and maritally. If she keeps on chipping away to the very end then I am in the position to simply walk away. For me to ever be remarried to her or even continue this relationship she has to earn back what she threw away. There are moments and actions of hers which are on this very path, but there are also actions and words of hers' that send me wanting to completely walk away.

I guess I am just weary and exhausted from her and all the crap she's pulled and continues to pull. I get that this is the normal process of recovering from an affair. That's why I am not allowing myself to make any decisions rashly or based on my emotions. The only thing now for me is time. November will be the final month to contest the divorce and I think I will know by then if she's at all worth it anymore.

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