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idontknowwhy5 posted 7/2/2014 22:30 PM

I hear it's not unusual, but how bad/crazy does it get?

I've been hearing a lot of nutty things my stbxww has been saying. Mostly that I'm abusive, neglectful, won't provide food for the family including my own children, that she has no idea why I filed (sad lol) etc. Thankfully most of the people are also either friends of mine or friends of good friends and I hear about it. I worry though about the people that don't know me at all, and would have no reason not to take my stbxww at her word.

I've been keeping quietly to myself pretty much, but I am starting to get concerned that being the nice guy won't do much for me.

I really hope evidence of this kind of stuff all adds up when the judge looks at custody, but I've no idea how that really weighs.

nekorb posted 7/2/2014 23:06 PM

It can get really bad.

Just make sure you document, document, document.

Why are you worried about what people you don't even know think of you? You've got bigger things to focus on than those folks.

No, being the nice guy isn't going to do much for you, but that doesn't mean launching a retaliatory smear campaign is the answer to that. It means being firm, setting boundaries, and working with your L to do what is best for you and your kids. Your WW isn't going to think any of that is "nice".

Too fucking bad.

StillLivin posted 7/2/2014 23:28 PM

What she said ^^^^^
They all do it. They being the unremorseful WSs.
Mine said I attacked him....I cried and collapsed. Don't know how that can be construed as an attack.
He told too many more to remember or list!
Just don't let it get to you.

Nature_Girl posted 7/3/2014 01:26 AM

It won't matter a whit. In fact, it isn't even going to be brought up. Not by you, that's for sure, because if you were to bring to the judge the fact that your STBX was saying stuff about you to other adults, you'll be lectured and have made a new enemy, The Judge.

My ex told a lot of people a lot of nonsense & lies about me, all in an attempt to alienate me from everyone everywhere. I have countered with my truth, told with conviction. I do not let lies stand unchallenged. On the other hand, I do not engage in an active campaign to seek out the lies & correct them. It's just as things come up, I speak the truth.

The only true problem his lies have caused are with the children, because to answer your question on how bad can it get, it gets bad when your STBX/X badmouths you to your children, lies about you to your children, and tries to turn your children against you. So if your STBX is letting it fly with grown-ups, I urge you to pay attention to what's happening with your kids.

Softcentre posted 7/3/2014 01:33 AM

It's awful. Now, when I hear an unremorseful WW has left for her AP and is claiming abuse, especially emotional abuse, I take it with a big pinch of salt and assume it's part of a smear campaign,unless I know otherwise.

But only those of us who have been through this know better.
According to The Arse I have been "so cruel" to him by:
- "nagging" him [translation: asked him to do what he said he would ].
- I made all the decisions [translation: he made all the decisions he wanted to make,especially about things he wanted to do, and REFUSED to make or be involved in any other decisions, always saying "it's up to you" and got angry if I kept pressing to know what he thought]
- Never letting him go out with his mates [translation: he went out MUCH more often than me and spent MUCH more money (I was always given a strict budget of £20, he could spend between £50-100). I hardly ever went out, not by choice, but because he wouldn't get a babysitter if it was just for me, he didn't like being at home while I was out & would do passive resistance the next couple of days to 'punish' me]
- We never had sex {translation: yes we did , more in fact, during his A!]

There's more, but you get the picture?

He's not exactly claiming emotional abuse, but he needed a 'reason' to cheat. It seems like many unremorseful spouses do the same, but some take it to the next level, and once you've said it, as a liar, you can hardly go back and admit the lie, can you?

Those who are truly your friends will know. And you will discover who they are. This is the painful bit. But you have no control over what others think of you, and trying to challenge your WW's poison, will only add to her words and make you appear bonkers.

Gemini71 posted 7/3/2014 08:21 AM

I believe that the truth always comes out eventually. If someone you know says, "XWW said that you x, y, z." Just calmly correct them. As for what strangers think, don't worry about it. You cannot control it. But Liars, lie. It's what they do. Eventually XWW will show her true colors, and even the strangers will doubt her words.

GetEvenInAZ posted 7/3/2014 09:11 AM

My xWH does this even today, nearly 4 yrs after DDay 5/6/whetever (cant keep track anymore)

I own my choice to leave relationship and explain it - even to the kids (girls 20 and 22) - as:
"I still don't like any of xWH girlfriends. I detemined I don't like being in 3 party relationship where I don't know the 3rd party."

No bad-mouthing xWH. No animosity or anger or judgement. Simply I CHOSE not to live that life anymore.

Needless tosay, generates a lot of guestions and WTF expressions!

gonnabe2016 posted 7/3/2014 09:20 AM

Monster comes up with all kinds of crazy stuff about me:
*** I attended a potluck dinner hosted by one of my classmates and took my 2 youngest --> Monster turned that into me taking them to a "college drinking party."

*** My oldest would take my credit card and go to the grocery store for me --> Monster's mom was saying that my oldest ran through his own savings because he had to buy groceries for his brothers.

*** I stay in a hotel because I'm out of town --> Monster says that I'm hooking up with someone on *his* dime.

It's all just ridiculous. I'm not too thrilled about all the twisty-truth he tells people, but whatevs. I just do my own thing and live life like I always have.

The only way that this stuff will come up in front of the judge is if she starts spouting her nonsense in the court filings. If you're concerned, you may want to start documenting how you spend your time with your kids and what you guys do. If you hear of a direct accusation -- such as not providing food for your kids -- you can make sure to keep all of your grocery receipts, etc, so that if the issue ever comes up you can provide proof that refutes her *story*.

I've found that trying to deal directly with misinformation -- such as trying to explain the *truth* to him -- only makes it worse.

idontknowwhy5 posted 7/3/2014 11:04 AM

Oh it's not just whispers, some of the crazy stuff is showing up in her sworn statements, so this will get interesting.