I didn't know where to post this but decided that since it had to do with the STBX, D, triggers, and why the hell did I marry him anyway I came here.
Reading some of the other threads about sexual assault and rape, it triggered one of my own incidents...unfortunately I've had many.
In 98, I was deployed to Bosnia. After coming off 24 hour guard duty, I was funky as hell. I just cannot go to bed nasty. Some soldiers could if they were exhausted enough, I never had that gift and would sacrifice sleep for cleanliness every time.
Long story short, I went to take a shower at about 0030 hours 14 Feb 99. While in the hot shower, a masked man snuck in and broke the door handle (MPs determined this later). He then proceeded to use bungee chord to secure the door to the water pipes on the facing wall so that nobody could get in and nobody could get out.
I had half fallen asleep in the showers after little sleep for over 24 hours and was blissfully unaware of what was going on. I opened my eyes and realized I saw a gloved hand moving back and forth by the door separating the shower section of the trailer from the toilet section.
I swear time stood still and then things started to proceed in slow motion. My thinking was so clear. My senses focused in. I could hear my heart loudly roaring in my ear. I could smell everything, yet I tunnel visioned in on him and that bungee chord.
I went on the attack before he realized I was aware of him. I had the element of surprise and the fact that I was strong as hell back then. I pushed the door on him, he fell, and proceeded to start beating the shit out of him. We both slipped on the wet floor. I had grabbed the towel at one point and put it around his neck and very calmly and slowly enunciating every syllable told him I was going to kill him now and that no court in the world would convict me. He finally panicked and started fighting for real. I took a few face shots and some rib shots. But he got the worse end of it.
He managed to break free and ran. I gave chase. It was below freezing, snow and ice and rocks on the ground, he was dressed for the weather and I was naked and wet. I didn't catch him but I gave it my best shot. I ran back to the showers for 2 seconds rinsed the soap off and even faster got in some semblance of clothing and went back to my C-hut. I had left my weapon because it wasn't that far from the shower trailer. I retrieved my weapon, grabbed my bag with ID and proceeded to the MP station and made my report.
You would think all that and I would be triggered from the event.
Nope not me. That isn't what I have PTSD from, though I can no longer calmly allow anyone to come up behind me in the shower.
I called my then boyfriend, now STBX. I told him the situation. I will never forget what he said and we broke up for a few years because of it.
"StillLivin, are you sure you didn't know who the guy was? Maybe you regret having sex with somebody else? Really, wasn't it someone you knew and then you changed your mind?"
The attempted rape didn't break me. Going to my safe person and being accused of lying about the rape from him. Not concern, not horror, not righteous anger and protectiveness. That broke me. I lost it and started shaking. I threw up. I cried for days and was inconsolable.
Complete strangers came up to me and offered me more comfort and support than he did.
Years later, we tried again. He tricked me for years into thinking he had changed and wasn't that selfish asswhole he used to be.
This wasn't my only attack or sexual assault. But HIS invalidation was worse than anything else I've ever lived through. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G! Anyone being invalidated now triggers me.
The crazy thing, I had completely forgotten (repressed??) this for over almost 15 years.
WTF is it with the shit that actually triggers me. And damn if I didn't start having nightmares again and running to my H and him turning his back on me.
Grrrr. I hate that fucker. I really really do. I realize now, he never had my back. He put on a mask to win me back, but it came off. This is who he really is.
The good news. My D will be final now by NLT end of next week. Hoping Monday.
[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:51 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]