[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:51 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
What an awful experience. I'm so sorry you went through that.
My WH also invalidated my abuse, and in fact, responded to my telling him about the abuse with abuse of the same kind. I shouldn't say that - he verbalized anger at my abusers, but then abused me in the same way. Does that make sense?
I also felt like he never had my back on that topic.
Seeing people in powerless situations Is very triggering for me. I've had to leave movie theaters because of triggers like that in movie scenes.
I sucks. It's weird how things become more and more clear as time goes on.
I'd like to believe that my WH responded the way he did to my situation because of his own issues. I think your STBX may just be an ass.
You learned new information about yourself and your situation. I hope it helps you move forward in some way.
[This message edited by nekorb at 11:18 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]
I lived through and witnessed some hideous stuff in my childhood. I don't tell people much about it because I'm embarrassed that they react so much more than I do about it. I'm not 'meh' about it but these are just not active issues in my life. I have since learned that I don't react because I've absorbed what happened into the fabric of who I am. They have molded me somewhat and I always thought I was stronger for it.
I am acutely aware that people do and say terrible things to each other and to me. My father did. My mother did (still does). Others too. I am not surprised. Outraged, disgusted, sad - yes. But I'm not surprised. It is a coping mechanism - almost like I keep my expectations as low as possible to avoid disappointment. I have never needed another human being in my life. I would be AOK if everyone I ever loved went away. It would hurt but I would survive. I always have.
Where I was blindsided was that someone *I* had invited into my safe place turned on me. I had basic expectations of him and he let me down. Allowed myself to be vulnerable and he sucker punched me and then kicked me when I was down.
Disappointment manifested itself in the first panic attacks of my life and all sorts of falling apart. And white hot rage. All consuming, long repressed rage.
In the midst of it I was livid at myself. How the fuck can this break me after everything I've been through? WTF is wrong with me? This is nothing. This happens every single day. Even normal people with normal parents who live normal lives are touched by infidelity. Yes it hurts but is this seriously what is going to make me crack. Really?
I was angry that I let myself be vulnerable. I was angry that I didn't prepare myself for this. The other stuff that happened was a result of my parents fuckedupedness. This felt/feels like mine.
And I'm mad about it.
Theres a tag line here that always hits me: "Him - a traitor in my foxhole."
The book 'Journey from Abandonment to Healing' was a huge eye opener. What I was feeling now was not just is abandonment but all of my previous 'non issue' abandonment all hitting me in the face full force at the same time. It brought up long-forgotten abandonment and betrayals of trust. Motherhood changed me too. I do need these little people. I'm vulnerable to them and I'm not scared to be;
I was forged in steel. So strong. Invincible. Too strong for some unremarkable scumbag to have me on my knees.
I'm most mad that I let that traitor in my foxhole. That I didn't see it coming. That I wasn't prepared. That I had expectations. That I opened myself up for disappointment. That it impacted me so much.
All irrational of course but it is how I feel. These are issues I need to sort out. Betrayal is terrible and awful but my reaction was far more intense and destructive to me than was necessary.
"StillLivin, are you sure you didn't know who the guy was? Maybe you regret having sex with somebody else? Really, wasn't it someone you knew and then you changed your mind?"
I think your STBX needs to have the same treatment as that perv in the shower. He needs the shit beaten out of him and a close encounter with death by towel! What he did with his words was as bad as what that perv attempted to do with his actions!
BTW, you are now my hero for fighting back and showing what a strong woman can do and survive!
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
I had the previous betrayal of my father and abuse in my background.
The ultimate betrayal was from the traitor I "LET" in my foxhole. I told him things about my childhood I have never told ANYONE else. I opened up to him in a way that I have never done before and have only done since with my IC.
I cannot believe what that POS said to you after the attack.
I'm glad your divorce is almost final and I hope that you will feel much better being away from that waste of air.
What he did with his words was as bad as what that perv attempted to do with his actions!
[This message edited by StillLivin at 9:49 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]
You deserve so much better. I’m sorry you are triggering and have been through so much.
I think having lived through worse skews your barometer a bit and allows you to accept less than treatment.
Spot on. That very resilience usually means we don't sweat the small stuff. We are not overtly sensitive but my sensitive spots are hyper sensitive. Betrayal (not just infidelity but other betrayals too) shakes me to my core.
I also think we are more susceptible because we were starved of love for so long. In my case the abuse/love cycle was so very familiar what he was doing felt like home. If he had struck me I would have snapped out of it quick smart - THAT would have triggered all sorts of mayhem in me. The emotional abuse was so subtle that I was that frog boiled slowly - I barely registered it.
My mum called me in a fit of panic one morning a few years before DD. She asked if I was OK - if the sad clown was OK. I said of course, why?
She had a dream that he had hit me and I had killed him. Then called her and we hid the body.
She was pretty spot on too. She doesn't know I did have a BF who slapped me across the face when I was 21. I went into a blind rage and my 5'6" beat that 6'3" jerk to a pulp. I don't remember it but I do remember sitting on his chest bloodying his face up good. I never saw him again. It scared the shit out of me because I blacked out. I did anger management therapy in the aftermath and never had another incident.
[This message edited by SBB at 6:55 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]
I think having lived through worse skews your barometer a bit and allows you to accept less than treatment
StillLivin, are you sure you didn't know who the guy was? Maybe you regret having sex with somebody else? Really, wasn't it someone you knew and then you changed your mind?
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.