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Rulk posted 7/3/2014 00:01 AM

I feel this place is a better start for me then JFO. I'm not looking to hear from pro divorce or pro marriage groups. I know what my deal breakers are. And I thought she knew too. Or maybe she did and just didn't care.

I'm looking for a way to get past the hurt and anger. I look at the ws section and pray they are gassed. I peek in the reconcile forums and i think they are naive fools. I come here and I'm just another bitter cynical bs. I don't want to be like this. Please help.

StillLivin posted 7/3/2014 00:07 AM

In the beginning you can't help but be angry, hurt, bitter.
It starts with being kind to yourself and starting to live again.
Not sure how far off DD was for you, but I'm going to assume recently since you are a new member.
Read in the healing library for BS. That is the best place to start. I suggest reading WS too so you can get an idea of why she did what she did. Sometimes answers set you on the right path to healing.
Realize that her cheating had absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.
Work on yourself. Many seek out IC. IC helps process what has happened. Be kind to yourself and recognize that you are only human. It would be more crazy if you didn't feel hurt and bitter at this point.
Time will heal. There are no shortcuts. Vent, cry, rant, scream, hit a punching bag.
Check out some of the suggested reading material as well.
This is all a start.
I'm sorry you have to be hear, but glad you found us. This place saved my life and I've made friends that have my back, both real and virtual!

Rulk posted 7/3/2014 00:54 AM

We've been together for 8 years and married for 5. Everything seemed perfect, we even planned to start having kids after the both of us turn 30 this fall.

I found out sunday night when she went for a run and she left her phone behind. The guy lives in Florida and we live in Cali. They exchanged pictures, videos and I love you. She was making plans to leave me for him too. I don't know how long its been going on or if they ever met but to me it doesn't matter. If she wants to leave then this is her chance. When I confronted her later that night she cried and said it was just fantasy talk and she never loved him or had plans to leave me. I called her parents to pick her up and she has been staying with them since.

My family thinks I'm overreacting but of coarse they would say that. Infidelity haunts my family. And noone talks about it.

My grandfather left my biological grandmother for another women while my father and his siblings were all young.
My father and mother constantly cheated on eachother during my childhood. My father even brought the OW and their love child, who is my age, to OUR family vacation.
My uncle cheated on my aunt and drove her to suicide.
My aunt from my mother's side is on her 4th husband. All of which she cheated on.
My sister got pregnant and her bf cheated on her when he found out. Oh she was also 15 at the time.
My younger sister's husband decided he wants to be a rapper and left her 3 months after the birth of their second child to live with some drugie stank.

Then theres the infidelity that hurts me the most. My wife knew about my families history and how strongly I felt about it.

In the last 3 days I think I've slept a total of 5 hours. I want to get better but I just don't know how to start.

StillLivin posted 7/3/2014 01:15 AM

Honey you gotta sleep, eat, and drink water. Anything not absolutely critical needs to be pushed to the wayside for a little while. If you physically cannot eat get some naked juices, ensure meal replacements and fruit. Even just a pb&j sandwich. If you can't sleep see your Dr for medication to help with the anxiety and sleep. This is normal what you are experiencing. Definitely not healthy though. Be real real kind to yourself. If you have anyone you can talk to for support lean on them. Fuck what everyone else tells you about overreacting. You know your boundaries and they are good ones. Stand your ground.
It's just going to take time. It took me months before I could sleep through the night. It took me months before I could eat right. SI was great for reminding me to eat and drink fluids. Fortunately I did juice.
Sometimes getting away for a few days helps. If you have been putting off seeing an old friend ho and visit for a few days.
I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it really does get better.
I'm getting ready for bed but others will be here shortly. But try and sleep. Benadryl did wonders for me because I didn't want to take prescription drugs and I have allergies anyway.
I'll check back in tomorrow on you.

phmh posted 7/3/2014 06:41 AM


I'm so sorry that you find yourself here, but great job knowing your dealbreakers and not making yourself suffer worse by going through false R.

Know that there are some really tough days ahead, but you'll get through this.

SL gave you some great advice.

Can you get into IC? I was near suicidal at D-Day, and IC really helped me.

The books "Getting Past Your Breakup" and "Journey From Abandonment to Healing" are helpful.

Exercise, spend time in nature, try to keep your mind busy. Try to go as NC as possible. You (and me) are so lucky we didn't have kids with these cheaters, so you can go really NC, which helps the healing.

I know you may not believe it, but your life will get so much better. In 5 years, you'll look back and see this as a blessing in disguise.

One caution -- especially with your family history, please do not date. You need to work on you a bit so that you don't pick a next partner who is as bad as or worse than this one.

Good luck. Post often if you need support. We've got a really good group of people here.

nekorb posted 7/3/2014 07:00 AM


She was making plans to leave me for him too.

Yeah, I'd help her out with that and box up her stuff for her.

Clearly this is a deal breaker for you and I completely understand why.

Start looking for an attorney, pronto. I agree that you can be thankful you did not reproduce with this person. NC all the way baby.

Eat, drink, sleep. It will get better.

Schadenfreude posted 7/3/2014 07:29 AM

See the lawyer so you have a handle,on divorce in your situation. Knowledge means less uncertainty and fear means better decisions by you.

Who cares if it was just fantasy. It is her fantasy and excludes you. Maybe some guys can accept that. Maybe you can't. If you can't, then separation is the best thing for you D is in process. No contact equals no new hurts as is repeatedly said here. You can't control her behavior. She made the choice to engage Mr Florida in this fantasy, not you. What if the next one lived in the next town?

You have no kids. D without kids is way easier than D with kids. You basically divide assets and debts, and your relationship is over. No need for continued contact for the next X years. You move on, she moves on.

StillLivin posted 7/3/2014 11:53 AM

Rulk, I promised to check in today. How are you doing?
I hope you were able to get a few hours of sleep and have put food and fluids in you.

Rulk posted 7/3/2014 19:36 PM

I'm feeling slightly less angry today. I don't know if its because I have an outlet for my rage now or because I went to sleep last night. Maybe its because I trashed some of her things last night. Nothing expensive just photo albums, her favorite coffee mug, gifts/cards I sent to her. It was like spring cleaning but therapeutic and destructive.

My best friend swung by this morning to check on me. He is like a brother to me and invited me to spend the weekend with his family to get my mind off of things. Its nice to know I still have one person in this world I can count on.

It makes me sad that I will lose a father in law and mother in law that I was closer to me then my own parents. Then I get mad again thinking about it. FIL and I are also business partners so I'm not sure if I can fully cut my wife out of my life.

I will contact a lawyer soon. I'll order the recommeded books tonight and I also need a new phone since it wouldn't stop ringing so I broke it. I'll hold off on counseling until I can get some sleep and anti-depression meds. I don't think I'm suicidal but I did tell my wife if she came home I would burn down the house with the both of us in it.

I ate this morning with my friend but when he left I started crying so hard I threw it up. Its been a recurring problem. Hopefully the doctor has pills for this to.

I want to thank everyone for the advice and support. Coming here was my first step in getting better.

StillLivin posted 7/3/2014 22:44 PM

Rulk I'm glad you are taking the advice. And throwing up is part of it for some of us. Definitely for me back then.
I'm going to warn you. Be prepared for the rollercoaster of emotions. You will be fine one minute or hour, and then another all hell will break loose again. This is normal as well.
Try some meal replacement drinks or Naked juices. If you have a juicer put some ginger in with whatever you normally juice with. If you throw up, drink some water, try and calm down and then replaced with a meal replacement drink, protein drink, or juice so that you have something being metabolized.
Please do hang out with your best friend when you can. Clean house, change paint colors, linens, anything that triggers you in the house change. It speeds up the healing.
Hell if I could afford it I would by a whole new bedroom set as I believe Mr. Trollfucker screwed Shrek in our bed. Grrrr.
(((Rulk))) One day, sometimes one hour at a time.

nekorb posted 7/7/2014 23:04 PM

How's it going Rulk?,

Rulk posted 7/8/2014 20:08 PM

Good and bad. I had a good time with my friend's family over the holiday. Then I came back home sunday night and my wife had removed some of her belongings. She also went through my pc and found this site. Kinda bullshit that she cheats but then snoops on my privacy. She left a note talking about giving me space and waiting for me to come around. I'm thinking more clearly now then ever though.

I got a doctors appointment tomorrow for some much needed drugs, then a lawyers meeting thursday. Still unsure what to do about my business partner/FIL. He built the business and brought me on but I like to think I did my fair share of the work and I don't want to walk away from what has been my whole adult career. I might have to talk about this with my lawyer too.

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