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Input please - OW repeated contact attempts

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MJane posted 7/3/2014 03:13 AM

Things have been going well the last few weeks and we finally seem to be making progress - one of the issues that I have found very distressing is the OW repeatedly tried to make contact in the past e.g. we were bombarded with calls over Christmas and each time my H blocked a number and mail address she'd use another. We've had a few months of peace but yesterday she used a colleague (they work in the same sector) to send a mail to my H's work email - my H says we should just ignore all contact. I am very torn. I feel so powerless. This woman very deliberately told me of the affair in the middle of the night last year waking my baby (I still have nightmares about how it all happened and how cornered and distressed I felt in PJs on my front door-step half-awake). I have resisted all major urges to get revenge or contact her in any way despite very stalker-like actions over months on her side and have let my H deal with it by emails telling her to move on. I am so very very angry today. I am the sort of person that takes action and sorts things and I feel this woman continues to creep into our lives and has no morals or conscience. She's even using a work colleague to make contact. Part of me wants to show up at her place of work and confront both her and her colleague and see how bullies feel when they get stood up to. I don't think I can bear taking no action - it makes me feel like some meek side-lined wife and i am anything but that. I want to give this woman who is trying to destroy my life and that of my kids finally some come-back from me when I am not half-asleep and shocked - all I could do then was tell her to give me her surprise package of texts and mails and get off my front door-step - barely holding myself together as i shut the front door. All inputs and advice very welcome as the thoughts won't stop coming....

MJane posted 7/3/2014 03:14 AM

BTW, I don't live in the US and the country I live in has next to no stalker type laws so going down a very legal route isn't going to work...

goingthru posted 7/3/2014 05:37 AM

How upsetting: I'm so sorry to hear that she's doing this. Is your H supportive about this? Is he on your side? I'm assuming that you know for a fact that he sent her a NC letter? If so, my first thought was that you either try to ignore it (if she doesn't get a response, unless she's mentally ill, then I imagine she will get the message) or you both send her a joint letter or email specifically asking her not to contact either one of you ever again, and that if she does, you will seek legal action (restraining order, harassment charges, etc). I would then make a plan on how you will follow through with that, because by the sound of it, she will test that boundary. I would think that if your H maintains his part of the NC rule and that you continue to make progress together, that this OW will eventually fade into the background. Good luck!

Zayda1 posted 7/3/2014 05:38 AM

Can you change your WH's phone numbers and email address?

My WH kept telling me his work wouldn't change his phone number. When I pressed his to at least try he told them he was having issues with someone (didn't go into details) and was worried about the safety of his family. They changed his phone number, no questions asked.

MJane posted 7/3/2014 06:20 AM

I'm pretty sure my H has no contact - I definitely know he sent the NC mail (at the time I pushed back strongly on any attempt to see her in person to break it gently!). She seems more than a little obsessive in her repeat communications. The last one he sent (at Christmas time) told her to stop contacting him as he'd made it clear he wanted to be with his wife who he loved and that he did not want to be with her. Fast forward 7 months and she is still sending "I love you forever" and "we should be together" notes. During their A he told her he had issues in his M and she was convinced her actions (turning up on my doorstep) would break the M up. She doesn't seem to take no for an answer - I can't get into the head of someone that messed up - she was prepared to break-up a young family and seems unlikely to go away. I'm wondering whether the best idea is still to ignore her or to have him craft a very direct, rude "leave us alone I don't care about you" message...I doubt hearing anything from me will have anything but the opposite effect which is why I'm resisting the urge to confront her.

MJane posted 7/3/2014 06:22 AM

H can't change mobile as he uses that for work and runs own business - he actually changed his work email recently but as he advertises it was easy to get a hold of his new one - as they work in same field it wouldn't take her long to get a hold of it so unfortunately not a solution to stop the calls and mails coming she's shown, blocking her number and mails just means she finds or creates others...

brokensmile322 posted 7/3/2014 07:15 AM


Resist the urge to confront. I don't think that will go well. If she keeps contacting, and he keeps sending NC, perhaps take the stance that the NC was already sent and IGNORE.

People who are in need of attention, will take any kind, even negative, so I wouldn't even give her the satisfaction of acknowledging these pathetic attempts. Silence is sometimes the best reaction to someone who expects you to be enraged or even to react in any way.


Time Ticks On posted 7/3/2014 09:33 AM

She wants attention. Don't answer her. She uses different numbers and emails hoping he will answer one. It will feed her and keep her going.

You said there are no stalking laws there. Can you go to a lawyer about harrassment?

MJane posted 7/3/2014 10:44 AM

Thank you all for your comments - helped me see things more clearly rather than very emotionally - this has stirred up a lot of horrid feelings for me and I guess a part of me just wants to "do something" rather than feel like a helpless bystander. I know the advice to ignore her is wise and am hoping that eventually she will be starved of the oxygen of attention she craves. I just don't get how someone would still be trying so desperately in the face of months of being ignored and told expressly to move on. I had a huge row with my H over it as it stirred lots of trust issues - he swears blind he has not been in contact. The one good thing to come out of it is that he is seeing her attention (which obviously he once craved and helped feed the A) as the obsessive behaviour it is. For the first time ever he actually showed real anger in his reaction towards her (in past he almost felt a guilt for breaking it off and her "feelings"), saying he did not want anything to do with her and he didn't want her ruining any chance we had of moving on and making our family work. I really hope I don't have to look into the harassment side of things - she hasn't been attempting any further contact with me since DD but I know from my H that a few months back he spotted her parked outside our house which gives me the creeps....

heyjules2012 posted 7/3/2014 10:58 AM

Harrassment Order or Restraining Order with a NC contract. I have a civil suit contract stating if she tries any contact with me, my H or either of our family & friends it will cost her $250 per attempt!

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