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How to fall in love?

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tangledknot posted 7/3/2014 06:28 AM

I want to be in love with my husband. I need to be in love with my husband. He loves me and swears that I am part of his soul, which is why he didn't kick me out of the house. I guess I just need some hope. I feel like a sociopath. Has anyone here found this through recovery and reconciliation? I feel dead and numb and completely empty.

Thank you,
Tangledknot

DrJekyll posted 7/3/2014 07:19 AM

So much in such a short post.

I want to be in love with my husband.

This is great! For myself I continued to look back trying to figure out how I lost my way. As I realized that I was always in love with my BS.

I need to be in love with my husband.

As you start down this path, you need to find love for yourself. Love is something shared, and you can only love him as much as you love yourself.

He loves me and swears that I am part of his soul, which is why he didn't kick me out of the house.

I guess I just need some hope.

Your answer to this is in your previous statement. there is hope there.

I feel like a sociopath. Has anyone here found this through recovery and reconciliation?

I have felt this way also. Especially in the early days. I went back and forth from broken to sociopath. Scared to go to IC and have them tell me I am broken beyond repair. You will have to dig deep.

I feel dead and numb and completely empty

I felt the same, and still do at times. Every time you feel this, multiply it 100 times and that is how your BS feels. It is good to feel this and acknowledge it. Keep in mind though, you need to be available to your BS. This will help you empathize with your BS pain. In a discussion with my BS in the early days, I realized that I always had that emptiness. I was finally not trying to fill that void with ego kibbles and attention. I sat with the emptiness and felt it.

Hope that helps. We are here for you.

tangledknot posted 7/3/2014 08:38 AM

Thank you, Dr. Jekyll

I am trying really hard to be available for my husband. I wish I could physically feel what he is feeling. He is a mess. He said he wishes I would have murdered him instead. He is still gagging and not sleeping. He said his heart physically hurts, and he is always holding his chest. I just sit there feeling nothing. In fact, last night he was ranting and I had to suppress a smile at something he said. I think the smile was because I was so uncomfortable, but it made me think that I am truly sick inside, like maybe I should be locked up, maybe with a straightjacket.

I always thought of myself as a empathic person. In fact, I thought it was one of my personal strengths, but I am having a hard time with it right now. I am having a hard time pulling my defenses down. I have built a huge fortress around my heart and it took me years to put it up. I KNOW I have to take it down. I know this.

I'm not sure how much I should share with my husband right now. One of our issues is that I have never shared anything with him and I think I have been dishonest about my feelings for several years, way, way before I ever cheated on him. I hid from him and now here we are.

Thanks for letting me vent.

familyfirst posted 7/3/2014 09:01 AM

I want to be in love with my husband

That was my line to my IC! But it's hard after years of relationship neglect, and then pile the A and all the associated baggage on top and it's very daunting. Not sure this is relevant to your situation, but here was my action plan
1) clear yourself of AP, mind body and soul
2) become friends with your H again. Date. Look at each other in the eye when you talk. Find opportunities to have fun together, not just co-exist.
3) (Here's the hard one) Get real. Be honest and tell your H what you think. Initiate the hard conversations but come from a place of wanting to fix things, not criticizing. Re-form an authentic relationship

I'm still working on 2 & 3. I think I will be doing that for the rest of my life. I only wish I had done it for my entire marriage

DrJekyll posted 7/3/2014 09:05 AM

One of our issues is that I have never shared anything with him

something to think about, is this true or have you rewritten your history? I thought this too, but upon further self-examination I found that I had just re-written the history for my own justifications. And realized how much I had actually lied to myself

I think I have been dishonest about my feelings for several years, way, way before I ever cheated on him. I hid from him and now here we are.

yep, that is part of the setup to stray.

I am having a hard time pulling my defenses down. I have built a huge fortress around my heart and it took me years to put it up.

and it will take time to pull it down, but it is absolutely necessary. keep working on it, keep busting holes in the walls. with each hole you will be able to breathe better. until the wall falls down.

tangledknot posted 7/3/2014 12:32 PM

Thank you so much, FamilyFirst and Dr. Jekyll.

I am holding on for dear life today. It's only been 5 days since I initiated NC. I am missing AP today. I am missing the thrill and the escape and the fantasy, especially now that the shit has hit the fan.

I am doing my best to look back at things in the harsh light of cold reality. He didn't love me and I know I didn't really love him. I think we were just two vulnerable, depressed, pathetic people who had some things in common. This time last week, we were talking about having a life together, about how nice it would be to get married, to have a baby together. We talked about how horrible our spouses are and that we are perfect for each other and the we would make each other happy every day.

I'm just trying to let things go. Familyfirst said I need to clear my mind, body, and soul of AP, and that is what I want to do. If AP really loved me, he wouldn't have helped me hurt my parents, my daughter, my career, my soul. Early on, I begged him to help me make wise decisions, and from there it increasingly became a circus - just absolutely ridiculous. I had no boundaries, no limits; nothing and nobody in my life was sacred. I gave a stranger the keys to my life and he helped me ruin it.

I want him out of my mind and I want him out of my heart.

DrJekyll posted 7/3/2014 12:58 PM

I bumped a post for you.

Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide

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