"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

OakStreet posted 7/3/2014 07:27 AM

I have friends of 40+ years (college) that we go to the beach with each summer. Our trip is scheduled in two weeks.

After Dday 1, I kept my WH's A to myself (and y'all), which we all know is hard, but I considered it a gift to WH in the event we reconciled. This was very difficult b/c these are very close friends, one of them died in the interim and I just wasn't "myself" for the months after Dday.

We went to counseling (both IC and MC) and it seemed things were getting better.

But - we had Dday 2 - he took it underground. I was in such shock and despair that I DID tell my friends about the A. They have been very concerned and supportive. WH does NOT know I told my (our) friends, mostly b/c he never asked if I confided in them.

SO - now I'm on the big fence, but WH and I are both back to IC - not MC yet. He says he's finally awakened and is "all in". I'm not.

FINALLY THE QUESTION: Do I take him to the beach with me and, if so, tell him that our friends know? I am sure the answer is yes, but Question Part Two:

I KNOW I would have a better time without him, but his counselor says "we should be doing things together". Since I'm on the fence, should I just be thinking of myself?

7yrsflushed posted 7/3/2014 08:00 AM

He says he's finally awakened and is "all in".

If he is truly all in then he should be okay with facing any consequences that come his way for the actions he took. In other words he should be willing to go or not go on the trip based on how you feel. If he goes and has to deal with the wrath of your friends then so be it. He choose to have an A and he has to won that.

As for the IC comment about doing things together, IMO, that depends on where you truly are in your healing. It takes consistent actions over a VERY long time to restore trust. Yes, if yoru goal is to R then you need to do things together and build new memories but the decision of when and if you do that is completely yours. The reality is he SHOULD have been faithful all along. Of course his IC is going to tell him to do things with you. He needs to rebuild his bond with you. The real question is how do you feel about it. You are not obligated to do anything on your WH's timeline. If you choose to rebuild anything with him you do it when you are ready to do so. I guess what I am saying is it truly is one of those do what you feel is right for you things. Don't do something because you feel pressured by anyone. Those situations always backfired on me and just built resentment.

If you want to go enjoy yourself without WH then do so. No need to feel guilty or feel you are required to do something with him. If you just want to enjoy the trip by yourself with friends then do so.

Schadenfreude posted 7/3/2014 08:19 AM

The potential,advantage to telling him -- and if it weren't for this id vote to leave him in the dark and get ambushed-- is that he may choose out of shame to remain at home and you'll have a better time per your words without him.

You know best. If you tell, will he go? It will, after all be his own choice. He cannot rationally be mad at you for telling others the truth of why you were out of sorts.

On the other hand, if he is vindictive, will he stray when you're gone? Would you really care?

Yes of course, you should be thinking of yourself since nobody else has been for a long time.

I just buried a college friend last Tuesday. First to go from "old age" cause. He was 62. I know it's tough to lose a friend from those old, fun days when life's possibilities,seemed unlimited. You wonder who is next.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 8:20 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

tfkeel posted 7/3/2014 08:20 AM

Since I'm on the fence, should I just be thinking of myself?

Yes. For a time, you have to think only of yourself, in order to recover.

You can think of it like this: When your WH strayed, the marriage ended. You have chosen to
place yourself back into a "courtship" mode and are
deciding whether or not to marry again.

OakStreet posted 7/3/2014 16:15 PM

You are not obligated to do anything on your WH's timeline.

^^Thanks, 7yrsflushed.

You can think of it like this: When your WH strayed, the marriage ended. You have chosen to
place yourself back into a "courtship" mode and are deciding whether or not to marry again.

^^and tfkeel

I think with this input, I'll probably go alone.

and Schadenfreude: it is difficult to say goodbye to the first of your college friends. We will be memorializing her while we are at the beach she so dearly loved.

Schadenfreude posted 7/3/2014 20:02 PM

Glad you made up your mind. You have a recent Dday, so do what's best for you

Lostly posted 7/3/2014 21:11 PM

Good choice! I think if you'll have more fun by yourself that you should ABSOLUTELY go alone AND have a great time, and not think about him for one second. F&%k him!! Let him sit at home all alone and miss you! He can spend the time thinking about how miserable his life will be without you...better yet, leave him a long list of stuff to do around the house!!

ButterflyGirl posted 7/3/2014 21:49 PM

This is probably a rambling thread jack. Sorry if it is

You don't feel bad for telling your friends, right? It really surprises me how long people keep affairs a secret from even their close friends and family. Infidelity is one of the most stressful things you can go though! You need support!

When I found out my ex had taken it underground, buried in the chat section of WordFeud on his phone, I was so out of there. I'm sorry you had to endure that too

As far as bringing him with you, I think friends and family can help you be a good gauge if your spouse is remorseful now or not. Hopefully, the friends/family members can be respectful and offer to talk about it and offer support. And then let you know later if there were any glaringly obvious red flags that maybe you aren't seeing..

My eldest brother, the smart, successful, Christian father, cheated on my SIL during some overseas business trips with a ho-worker. He said he very easily could have left my SIL, that the OW really wanted him to be with her, but he was so dedicated to change and saving his family. He confessed to my SIL, and they told their home group and other friends and got tons of support. Even though I want to tell SIL to watch her back sometimes, I fully support them in the efforts to R.

I just had an unremorseful ex who did not and does not want to change, but I believe every last one of my family members and friends would have forgiven him if he had been remorseful.

If you are giving R a try right now, why not bring him and let your friends test the waters? He needs to be showing people that he's dedicated to you, he has good boundaries now, he's respectful of you and supportive of you when going through an emotional time (like a funeral). I think how he handles himself could be very telling..

Obviously, I'm in the "Yea, you should just be thinking of yourself" camp, but I just wanted to give you push off that huge fence you are sitting on.

If you are hoping for a possibility of R, then I hope he asks to go and is the best, most wonderful husband to you and says how sorry he is to everyone who knows. And that you deserve better. And that he's SOOOOO fucking lucky to not be sitting on a dirty curb somewhere.

But, if you're done with his shit and don't believe he's remorseful right now? Then by all means, leave him home alone and go have a blast