SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

sohurtbyhim posted 7/3/2014 08:21 AM

Last night was another night that I spent hours not being able to sleep. Whenever that happens, I inevitably think about everything. It was not different last night except for the fact that instead of thinking and trying to understand why WH did what he did, I was thinking about how stupid I was....then it hit me that I was living in my own fog for 30 years. I had no idea of the storm that was brewing under the surface of my seemingly loving marriage.

I quit college as a teenager for various reasons, and most of my professors just gave me a withdrawal even though I didn't officially withdraw from the course which didn't affect my GPA. One of my English professors wasn't so nice, he gave me a withdrawal with failure which brought down my GPA for the courses that I did complete. Without that WF, I would have had a GPA of almost 4.0. Marriage, kids, and life happened, but I never forgot that "failure". When my kids started college and before knowing of WH's affair, I decided to take that course again to get rid of that WF. And I did and ended up with a 4.0 in it!!!!

But thinking about that course, I remembered reading a short story called, "A Respectable Woman". It was about a woman who was married, but tempted to cheat with a friend of her husband's. The author left the ending up to the reader - Did she give in to her feelings for the friend or did she remain "respectable"? The assignment was to write a paper as to what you thought she did. I remember being "teased" because I was the only person in the class of about 30 that took the stand that she did not give in to her feelings for the other man. I had to defend my stance in front of all those other people, but I did it, and I did it well. I got an A on the paper even though the professor wrote in bright red letters that I was wrong. (Not quite sure how I could be wrong for an opinion, but that's not the point.) At that time, I believed that marriage vows meant something to most people and that although there are temptations in life, they don't have to be acted on. Example of my first sign of my own personal fog and or stupidity.

Then one day, I was walking with a friend and out of the blue (again before I knew WH was cheating), she asked me what I would do if WH cheated on me. Would I leave him? She wasn't in a relationship at the time, so I'm not sure why she was even thinking about that, but she was. Anyway, I told her that I didn't know for sure what I would do, but I would hope that I would be able to listen to his reasons for the affair and that if we both wanted the marriage that I hoped I would be willing to work on it with him. Of course, in my fog, I was thinking this is all hypothetical...my WH would never do this. Little did I know he already was.

Another sign of my stupidity was after WH told me that he had "feelings" for someone else, but he hadn't cheated on me. I was talking to my sister who said that her ob/gyn routinely tested for a STD even though the patient didn't ask for it. Mine didn't do that and when I told her that, she came right out and said she was glad her's did because even though she trusted her husband, she couldn't be completely sure he was faithful and that I can't be 100% sure that WH never strayed. In my stupidity, I remember thinking....yes, I can be sure because I came right out and asked him and he said he hadn't cheated. In fact, I remember being proud of him for coming to me with his issues/concerns about our relationship before he acted on his feelings. I even told him that....boy he must have been having a good laugh at yet another example of my stupidity.

None of these people would know that WH was involved in an affair so they weren't trying to give me "hints". It was all a coincidence, but I had never had conversations like this with my friend or sister before.

I makes me so mad that I was so stupid to believe so blindly in my husband. This is just another sleepless night's random thoughts. Maybe it's a good sign that the thoughts were about me and not the pain of the affair. Progress??

Gemini71 posted 7/3/2014 08:49 AM

I makes me so mad that I was so stupid to believe so blindly in my husband.

First of all, you were not stupid for believing in your husband. It is what spouses do. It would be a very poor marriage if there was no trust (thus my current status).

Second, he was the idiot for betraying your trust. You are not a mind reader. No one is. You couldn't know your WH was unhappy if he did not share his feelings with you. Odds are, his 'unhappiness' is a rewrite of the marital history to justify his idiocy.

Third, be mad at HIM, not yourself. You did nothing wrong. He's the jackass.

Lastly, Philosophers and Physicists debate the nature of reality and how it is shaped by our perceptions. Your reality was true for you. Don't let your WH rob you of your memories because he's a cheating liar. It is one of the hardest things to do, reconciling our perceived reality with the new "facts" of their cheating. Cut yourself some slack, this stuff is hard.

"I reject your reality and substitute my own." -Adam Savage

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 8:51 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

FeelingMN posted 7/3/2014 09:09 AM

Sleepless nights are one of my biggest fears. I'm sorry that you couldn't sleep last night I feel for you.

It's easier to see the signs you may have missed and put the pieces of the puzzle together when looking back in hindsight but when it's happening it just isn't always clear especially if you had faith and trust in your WH. Gemini71 is right though, you can't fault yourself for being trusting because that is what we're supposed to do. You aren't stupid for doing this you were acting in a healthy way in your relationship.

I hope you're able to get some rest today, be kind to yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.

Blanket posted 7/3/2014 09:12 AM

Completely agree you can not possibly be stupid for having faith in your H and M. That is what we do when we get M. And why shouldn't we , we are in love and our H has made a vow to cherish us for better for worse - TO THE EXCLUSION OF ALL OTHERS.
My H now tells me he was unhappy! Seriously ? Were you? Well you did a really good job at hiding that and it might have been useful to mention it , don't you think? Seeing as none of us are psychic, even if he were unhappy he should've said. This is not your fault, you are not stupid. No one that goes in to their meaning their own vows and believing the others are stupid.

MissedRedFlags posted 7/3/2014 09:20 AM

I experienced my "Fog" as well---my sister was having an affair and my WH ( before I knew about his affair) would talk about it. As fate would have it, he was having an affair as well at that time. He would say that if I didn't have enough sex with him weekly that he would have an affair ( even though he was currently having an affair), my sister pointed out that when a married person has weekly scheduled night time event that the other spouse does not attend ( which my WH did) that that is a sign of an affair---I totally dismissed that--no way would my husband have an affair--I laughed at the idea! HAHAHA on me. He and I actually talked about affairs and how he believed that I would forgive him if he had an affair---that really hurts now as we are working on reconciling---he thought I was a "chump" and part of me feels ashamed for staying with someone who cheated on me for 3 years. Also, he stayed out one night --supposedly fell asleep on a guy friends couch and I bought that---I was a fool. I believed him.

Me: BS 41
Him: WS 39
3 year LTA, DDay June 4, 2013
Married 16 years, together 21 years
2 kids aged 9 & 7

seethelight posted 7/3/2014 10:38 AM

There is no shame in being a loyal trusting spouse.

It is easy to feel that way, but the only people who should feel ashamed are the two who are cheating.

boy he must have been having a good laugh at yet another example of my stupidity.

Sadly, I found emails in which the OW and my spouse were laughing at how they did not have to worry about getting caught because I never went out at night and I never checked up on him, when he did.

I was at home with the kids and pets being a responsible parent. He was supposedly out with the boys.

he thought I was a "chump" and part of me feels ashamed for staying with someone who cheated on me for 3 years.

I feel the same. But, in reality being willing to at least TRY to reconcile is an honorable thing. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Neither is deciding to divorce due to the cheating.

sohurtbyhim posted 7/3/2014 10:58 AM

Thank you to everyone for your words of encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know and reading what you've written helps me to see that it was ok to trust my husband.

I feel so badly for everyone who has to go through this. It never should have happened to any of us. Thank goodness for this forum and the kind and generous people who are so willing to help people they don't even know.