Last night was another night that I spent hours not being able to sleep. Whenever that happens, I inevitably think about everything. It was not different last night except for the fact that instead of thinking and trying to understand why WH did what he did, I was thinking about how stupid I was....then it hit me that I was living in my own fog for 30 years. I had no idea of the storm that was brewing under the surface of my seemingly loving marriage.
I quit college as a teenager for various reasons, and most of my professors just gave me a withdrawal even though I didn't officially withdraw from the course which didn't affect my GPA. One of my English professors wasn't so nice, he gave me a withdrawal with failure which brought down my GPA for the courses that I did complete. Without that WF, I would have had a GPA of almost 4.0. Marriage, kids, and life happened, but I never forgot that "failure". When my kids started college and before knowing of WH's affair, I decided to take that course again to get rid of that WF. And I did and ended up with a 4.0 in it!!!!
But thinking about that course, I remembered reading a short story called, "A Respectable Woman". It was about a woman who was married, but tempted to cheat with a friend of her husband's. The author left the ending up to the reader - Did she give in to her feelings for the friend or did she remain "respectable"? The assignment was to write a paper as to what you thought she did. I remember being "teased" because I was the only person in the class of about 30 that took the stand that she did not give in to her feelings for the other man. I had to defend my stance in front of all those other people, but I did it, and I did it well. I got an A on the paper even though the professor wrote in bright red letters that I was wrong. (Not quite sure how I could be wrong for an opinion, but that's not the point.) At that time, I believed that marriage vows meant something to most people and that although there are temptations in life, they don't have to be acted on. Example of my first sign of my own personal fog and or stupidity.
Then one day, I was walking with a friend and out of the blue (again before I knew WH was cheating), she asked me what I would do if WH cheated on me. Would I leave him? She wasn't in a relationship at the time, so I'm not sure why she was even thinking about that, but she was. Anyway, I told her that I didn't know for sure what I would do, but I would hope that I would be able to listen to his reasons for the affair and that if we both wanted the marriage that I hoped I would be willing to work on it with him. Of course, in my fog, I was thinking this is all hypothetical...my WH would never do this. Little did I know he already was.
Another sign of my stupidity was after WH told me that he had "feelings" for someone else, but he hadn't cheated on me. I was talking to my sister who said that her ob/gyn routinely tested for a STD even though the patient didn't ask for it. Mine didn't do that and when I told her that, she came right out and said she was glad her's did because even though she trusted her husband, she couldn't be completely sure he was faithful and that I can't be 100% sure that WH never strayed. In my stupidity, I remember thinking....yes, I can be sure because I came right out and asked him and he said he hadn't cheated. In fact, I remember being proud of him for coming to me with his issues/concerns about our relationship before he acted on his feelings. I even told him that....boy he must have been having a good laugh at yet another example of my stupidity.
None of these people would know that WH was involved in an affair so they weren't trying to give me "hints". It was all a coincidence, but I had never had conversations like this with my friend or sister before.
I makes me so mad that I was so stupid to believe so blindly in my husband. This is just another sleepless night's random thoughts. Maybe it's a good sign that the thoughts were about me and not the pain of the affair. Progress??