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Family affair?

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Tigaress posted 7/3/2014 09:11 AM

Hi you all amazing and supportive people - I am so glad I found you :-) My husband - found out he was cheating on Sunday and kicked him out of the apartment - has since then been staying with his cousin in Jersey. He is currently giving me the silent treatment but I'm communicating with his mother. His parents are Indian (living in India), conservative and shocked about his behavior. But still, when she is texting with me, his mother is trying to strategize how we can get him to 'commit' to me. She had zero understanding that I requested no contact between him and the woman, says that's not the main point. I do very well think that's one of the main points (although there are probably other emotional affairs ongoing, not sure if other physical ones), plus it really rubs me the wrong way that I am supposed to get him to commit? I feel that this would be the right moment for HIM to fight for ME, not the other way round? I also feel that in the family's perspective I'm drifting more and more in the position of the 'bad guy' although I was not the one who did the betraying.
It's a long story but my husband never was a provider, I was always the strong one. He kept losing his jobs and the only consistency in his resume are frequent athletic adventures.
A friend of mine says that I was always the 'man and the woman' in the relationship. But currently I am quite confused about getting some blame assigned to me.
... and ok, yes, I was really nasty with him after I found out what he did. I told him things like I was done with him, that I did not want him anymore and that he was a miserable father and husband (which is 100% the truth). Am I expected to be nice with him right after finding out? Even in that first text conversation after being found out he started again to criticize my body (I had our baby nine months ago and am still not back to my pre-baby body), claiming that it was my fault ...

Blanket posted 7/3/2014 09:27 AM

What?!!? He criticised your body? Talk about kicking someone when they are down. That is just cruel. I suspect he feels pretty crap about himself right now and lashing out at you stems from that somewhere but even so he has control over what comes out of his mouth and that is not ok!
Good for you for making a stand.
As for his family , I truly don't think anyone really gets it until they are walking I your shoes. NC is the ultimate point! He can not commit to you if he's in contact with OW it's just not possible.
You are not 'supposed ' to do anything. This is not about other peoples expectations . There is no right or wrong, only what is right for you. Would a break in contact with his mother help, she clearly doesn't really get where you are at right now and that's not helpful to you. You need some space to find some clarity. Their perception of you as the bad-guy won't help your self esteem. At the risk of sounding prejudicial is it perhaps a cultural difference? I know men and womens roles and expectations of them can differ depending on culture?
This situation is too complex to apportion blame, every situation is different, however it can be said with certainty that the A is not a result if your actions.Now is really not the time for people to have opinions you need an ear to listen, support and practical advice but don't get dragged into a ' who's vault' conversation. It's too raw .
Who would be nice after finding out such devastating news? I don't think you said anything that wouldn't be expected. I did much worse believe me! Rational thought went out the window, I think for the first hour I was capable of pretty much anything! Scary.
Please surround your self in positive supportive people. There can not be space for negativity and such a devastating time in your life.

doggiediva posted 7/3/2014 09:51 AM

*********It's a long story but my husband never was a provider, I was always the strong one. He kept losing his jobs and the only consistency in his resume are frequent athletic adventures.
A friend of mine says that I was always the 'man and the woman' in the relationship. But currently I am quite confused about getting some blame assigned to me.***********

Apologies, I don't know how to use the highlight feature when I want to highlight parts of other people's posts, so I copy/pasted....

I agree with Blanket, you need to surround yourself with positive and understanding people who BTDT and survived infidelity..

Your WH's mom may speak from a place of ignorance or inexperience in this type of situation , which is common... I would venture to guess her advice is how she would personally deal with being a betrayed party if infidelity happened in her marriage.. Not a reflection of how she knows you as a daughter in law..

While it is relatively early in your marriage and you are still young, it would be wise to divorce this guy or insist that he brings in a fair share of the family income.. Make this a condition he has to meet and maintain before you decide to stay with him in the marriage..My predicament is the hindsight I offer people newly betrayed, so that they never find themselves in my shoes...

Temporary unemployment is one thing, we all go thru that...
But the divorce laws in this country (especially no fault states) protect the non wage earners in the marriage whether or not they cheat..

I have nothing against stay at home moms and dads who behave well in the marriage and don't take advantage of their partners...I take issue with a non wage earner who cheats and abuses his or her partner's love and good will..

So don't let too much time get under your belt in this marriage with him being a dead beat cheat..

It is a special kind of hell to have a new D-day at retirement age with an un remorseful WS...To divorce this kind of person would mean you would have to support him in his new single life to the detriment of your own..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:18 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

Skan posted 7/3/2014 19:02 PM

Listen, you were both in the same marriage. You both went through the same stresses, irritations, etc. Only one of you cheated.

You Owe Him Nothing! Not One Single Damned Thing! And be warned. Blood usually sticks with blood. Plus, in cultures with arranged marriages, the focus is on keeping the marriage intact no matter what, like a business arrangement where you may forgive a lot to keep the business intact. That, however, need not affect you one bit. Other's expectations are not yours. Stand up for what you want and what you deserve.

You've made a good start by kicking him out. Do not, I repeat, do NOT weaken now. Walk the path that you choose, and demand what you deserve, or you will be here again. And possibly again.

I would strongly suggest that you see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. I would strongly suggest that if you are in a state that has the option of a legal separation, that you start the process. Or the process of divorce. Filing first gives you the right to ask for what you want/deserve and puts him on the defensive. Mind you, you do not have to follow through. You can cancel a legal separation/divorce until the moment that you walk in front of the judge for the last time. But it will show your intentions, it may cut through his fog, and it tends to get the WHs full attention. It also, quite frankly, cuts down on your misery, as he will either straighten up, or he will waffle around/run away and you can be freed of him that much quicker. That sounds heartless, but heartless is fucking someone other than your wife and then expecting her to accept your insults and continue to support you.

Come back often for support. We're all here for you.

ZedLeppelin posted 7/3/2014 22:24 PM

What his family think of you is irrelevant. Even if they are embarrassed and disapprove of his actions they will probably still side with him in the long-term.

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