SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Kad30 posted 7/3/2014 10:15 AM

Just 6 days since DD.....I'm feeling worried

We have decided to work this out, but I can't deny that I'm not worried. I knew he had to stop all contact with the OW and in my desperation. I hovered over him when he called her and practically dictated the text after she left a message saying she wanted an explanation. So now I keep asking....did he really want to end it? The A was over a year.......

I do believe he is remorseful, he has answered all my questions. It was so hard to see him go to work, a lot of times he told he was working when he was with her. It's like I don't want to let him out of my sight.

I'm afraid of the OW, I really hope she just goes away.

MindMonkey posted 7/3/2014 10:28 AM

You're right to worry.

NC for a LTA is a hard beast to slay. It's concerning that she wanted an explanation. I wonder what level of attachment she has?

Look out for the bunny boiler.

I do believe he is remorseful, he has answered all my questions.

You know WH best, but this is excedingly rare around these parts. Especially following a LTA and a recent DDay.

confused615 posted 7/3/2014 10:35 AM

He may be sorry..and he may be regretful...but he isn't remorseful. Not yet. Remorse comes with time...He can not begin to grasp the full devastation his actions have caused.Not yet.

Do you full access to all of his accounts...email...phone...bank..work phone and work email?

The OW is not the problem. Your husband needs to take steps to make sure he is a safe person for you. What is he doing?

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:36 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

seethelight posted 7/3/2014 10:45 AM

after she left a message saying she wanted an explanation.

This is very worrisome.

I am two years out and both my spouse and I are still being stalked by the Married other women.

She deserves no explanation. She knew she was wrong to have an affair with a married man.

She needs to suck it up and realize affairs end badly and abruptly.

She has no right to demand an explanation.

The explanation is obvious. She was dating a married man, and he got caught.

Please trust but verify that he stays no contact with this women.

The OW kept showing up wherever my spouse was for about six months. Now the stalking is mostly by phone and mail.

Kad30 posted 7/3/2014 10:52 AM

I do have access to phone, emails and all passwords. He is taking the initiative on all aspects of MC. He called the EAP, and our family Dr., to get started.

What are the signs of "remorse"?

cluless posted 7/3/2014 12:09 PM

((Kad))

Welcome to the club nobody wanted to join. I agree with the others here, you are WAY too early in for him to "get" the destruction to the M. That doesn't mean your WH doesn't want to try and is sorry for what he did.

You will know in your soul when he REALLY gets it. You are still in shock, it's going to be a bumpy ride. As far as the OW is concerned, she's getting exactly what she deserves. She is no longer your concern, right now you need to focus on YOU. Get into MC and start the process. We are here for you whenever you need us.

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/3/2014 14:48 PM

((Kad)) Sorry that you're here but you'll find a lot of support. One thing I would ask you to consider is that six days after you found out about the affair is maybe a little too soon to decide you want to R. You're likely overwhelmed and the shock can take quite a while to process. Give yourself time to breathe and think and feel. Don't judge how you feel about what's happened. Your spouse just drove a truck through your marriage. Be kind to yourself.

tushnurse posted 7/3/2014 15:27 PM

Yup you will be worried, for a while. Even if he doesn't stumble, and does everything absolutely right. It's your brains way of protecting your heart. You also shouldn't trust him right now.

Be perfectly honest with him. "I don't trust you, and I need you to validate where you say you are, and are doing what you say you are doing when you are not here." He has destroyed your trust, and it takes a long time to get it back, and the sooner he knows that the better off you are. There are folks around here that say trust but verify, I have a different spin on it. I say do not trust, and check up, snoop, verify, and do it about a zillion and one times, and each time your find nothing you will slowly rebuild the trust.

You can't control what he does and doesn't do, and you have to accept that, but if he had an A that lasted that long there is some emotional attachement, a real relationship between them, that will take some time to kill. Things to do to be sure he is staying NC, put a keylogger on any of his devices, computers, tablets, phones. Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his vehicle, a GPS on it, of course do this without him knowing. Look for a burner phone, this is like the second paragraph of breaking NC in the cheater handbook. Check his car for it, check his sock drawer, his work bag, his gym bag, his suit pockets, his winter coat pockets.

If you do find that he is breaking NC there have to be some real consequences for it so he knows that you will not tolerate it. Kicking him out of your bedroom is a good start.

In the meantime prepare yourself for what you will do if it happens. Knowing that it is likely. It took a half dozen tries for NC to really stick, and ultimately it took me kicking him out, to get him to go from what I thought was remorse to real remorse.

Keep reading, keep posting.

(((and strength)))

painfulpast posted 7/3/2014 17:28 PM

First:

she left a message saying she wanted an explanation.

OMG - OW are just such entitled bitches when in the thick of it. Here's your explanation, you dirty slut - HE'S MARRIED. Unreal the entitlement of these people.

Now, (((((Kad30)))))

I'm so sorry. I do agree - your H hasn't reached remorse. That requires empathy for what he's done to you, your marriage, and how he's acted so destructively. You're very new to this nightmare. I know this is going to sound preachy, but please trust me, I don't mean it that way - you don't even understand all that he's done to you yet.

After DDay, it is very normal for a BS to go into a state of shock. There is actual physical reactions that occur after such a trauma. Being the victim of infidelity isn't just another bad thing. It takes years to recover. At 6 days in, I was still processing. I hadn't even gotten truly angry yet. Sure, I had yelled, screamed, thrown things, but that was a superficial anger. It took a few weeks for the real anger to show up, and that was nothing compared to the rage that arrived at about month 8.

This is a process, and it takes time. It's one of the most painful things a person can experience. I'm so, so sorry you find yourself here.

In the beginning, we're all worried. We're worried it is still happening. We're worried we don't have the truth. We're worried he doesn't love us. We're just worried. What you're feeling is absolutely natural.

There is no 100% accurate plan to validate it's not still going on, but there are some things you can do that can help ease your mind. If you're interested, just say so and I'll PM you some ideas. I don't like posting them here because anyone can read this forum, and if your WH decides to see what people have said to you, he'll see that too.

Kad30 posted 7/4/2014 05:06 AM

Thank you painfulpast

Kad30 posted 7/4/2014 07:17 AM

Meant to say "yes, I'm interested", please PM me painfulpast

Thank you!

tl502 posted 7/4/2014 09:30 AM

My h was apparently immediately remorseful and answered all my questions as well. He iniated nc on dd. The ow kept contacting him at work and he told me about every contact for about 2 months. At that point he decided that they could be friends and talk on the phone and email. When I found his secret email a year and a half later, it destroyed my ability to ever really trust him again. We have reconciled and have come to a place where we are enjoying our m and our life together, but trust is out of the picture for me anymore. Listen to painful past's ideas, it may save you a lot of heartache.