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can someone just tell me I will be ok???

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Numb2014 posted 7/3/2014 14:29 PM

That this pain will subside??? That he will regret his choice. That he will wake up one day and realize he really fucked up?

I just want to be loved. I want to go home to a good man who cherishes me. I don't want to be replaceable or disposable.

I went to my therapist this morning. She told me "Numb, he isn't doing this to you because of YOU. He just DOES this and he will do this to the next girl". He hasn't told his parents about her, he hasnt told his best friend about her, he still lies and says that he doesnt have a girlfriend, so he is using her, he's ashamed of her. My therapist helped me see something too. He didn't leave me for her. He didn't plan on leaving me for her. He was FORCED to leave me for her because I told him to get out. He had plans on being with me at least until our lease was up. But because I found out, he was forced to be with her an that is not a good foundation for a solid relationship.

I know I shouldn't focus on their relationship. But it is hard when I was being abandoned. I am losing 50% of my time with my kids. When the kids leave him, he will still have someone. When the kids leave me, I will have no one. Just my empty apartment.

I just want this overbearing pain to end. I want to go to sleep and sleep through all this....

kiki1 posted 7/3/2014 14:36 PM

Hey Numb,

Welcome. Not only will you be ok, you'll be even better. Promise.

It will take awhile, I'm afraid you'll have to work through that pain to get to the other side of it. We all have here, testament that you are going to make it through.

Eventually though, when that pain does subside, you are going to feel better.

I am sorry about losing time with your children. that is an awful consequence of his choice that you'll have to bear. But you know what? the flip side of that is your time with your children is going to be of the utmost quality.

No, Numb, your therapist is right, he didnt do what he did because of anything you did, its him that's broken, not faithful. No one ever causes someone to choose another while still with someone. That's all on him and dont ever let him tell you otherwise.

Eat what you can, drink lots of fluids and spend some quality time on you. You deserve it.

You'll pull through this mess he dumped on you. And be stronger and a better person for it.

Keep reading, keep posting, we're here for you.

hugs,,,,,,,,,,,,

TrustedHer posted 7/3/2014 14:49 PM

You will be ok.

The pain will subside.

He will regret his choice, maybe.
He will realize he fucked up, maybe.
But whether he does, or doesn't, it doesn't matter to you, in the long run.

When the kids leave him, he will still have someone. When the kids leave me, I will have no one. Just my empty apartment.

First, don't judge yourself by whether you are in a relationship.
Second, you will always have your kids. They'll just be living their own lives and touching yours.
Third, the important relationship is with yourself. You'll always have you. You need to figure out how to make a life for yourself that is happy. Then, after that, you can make room for someone else.

It sounds like you've given up on the possibility of R, so maybe you need to move down to Divorce/Separated. Lots of good people and good advice there. If I'm wrong about that, it doesn't change my advice: Live with yourself first and foremost.

[This message edited by TrustedHer at 2:50 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

Tigaress posted 7/3/2014 15:05 PM

Hey! I'm exactly where you are, dreading abandonment and wanting my husband back. But then I re-read the horrible texts he wrote after he was caught and try to come to senses.
It feels as if you're going to be alone but you won't! You're just losing a person who kept causing you pain and sadness.
Do you have friends around who would be up for a regular weekly dinner night etc.? I'm currently thinking about things like that to lessen the initial shock after not being married anymore. Also, I strongly recommend you set up an online dating profile. I just did that and getting a couple messages immediately made me feel better, much more optimistic about what is out there. When your kids are not home, you'll be busy going on dates with great guys and embrace the fun-side of life!!

Schadenfreude posted 7/3/2014 15:09 PM

Please, and I'm being gentle, you are far too focused on WH's relationship. It is not true that any relationship is better than no relationship. Life with OW could prove to be hell on earth for him. You have no way to know whether it is or not, but statistics don't bode well for them in the New Love Nest.

Focus on yourself. Didn't you ever wish for some alone time? Use this brief respite productively. Work out, learn to paint, learn a language, return to school. There are dozens of things you can do.

StillStanding1 posted 7/3/2014 15:12 PM

You will be okay, I promise!!!! It will be painful and hard, but you will heal and move on.

Try to focus on treating yourself kindly and finding happiness in little things. Use the time he has the kids to do things for yourself that you haven't taken the time to do. Exercise, find a new hobby, take a class, meet a friend for a coffee or glass of wine, watch a movie, read a book, anything!!!!

You will likely find a certain peace in not having him adding stress to your life for that period of time!

He's being a selfish fool. Don't focus on him and don't derive your worth from him, his actions, or his words. You define you. And YOU are wonderful. Be nice to YOU!!!!

Hang in there!!!!! There's always hope!

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/3/2014 15:13 PM

(((Numb)))

You will be OK. It may take a while but you can heal. The first step is to start paying attention to yourself and what you need.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/3/2014 16:07 PM

He was FORCED to leave me for her because I told him to get out. He had plans on being with me at least until our lease was up. But because I found out, he was forced to be with her an that is not a good foundation for a solid relationship.

Not true.

First of all, no one FORCED him to move in with his bimbo. If he were any kind of man and not a coward, he would have gone somewhere else and fended for himself like a MAN, not show up at her doorstep crying that mommy kicked him out and he had nowhere else to go.

He wasn't 'forced' to go anywhere. Making statements like that will only give you the notion that it's YOUR fault he moved in with her and it's NOT. You did the right thing - he, as USUAL - did the wrong thing and that's on HIS head.

I just want to be loved. I want to go home to a good man who cherishes me. I don't want to be replaceable or disposable.

We all want that, Numb. But we all didn't get it and instead, had to face the realization that the person we loved most in this world let us down over and over again.

You'll get to a better place, Numb. You will.

Raspberry posted 7/3/2014 16:43 PM

Thinking of you, Numb. Its so, so hard.

But these jerks will one day get it and I hope by then, its too late.

Lonelygirl10 posted 7/3/2014 21:57 PM

You will be okay!

I remember being in so much pain I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and just wanted to die. It slowly lessened in time, and I started to recognize myself again. My relationship ended up not working out, and I survived it. I'm not always happy, but I'm not miserable anymore either. You will be okay, I promise. It does get better.

newlysingle posted 7/3/2014 22:14 PM

You will be okay. I promise. I remember feeling just like you after DDay. It is normal to be focused on their relationship right now, not exactly healthy, but normal. I won't lie, you have a long road of healing ahead of you, but you will get there. One day, you won't be concerned about his stupid ass. You'll just be annoyed that you still have to deal with him (for the kids) and laugh at what a moron he is. Yes, you will laugh again.

I'm about a year and a half out from DDay and in a totally different place now. I also wished XH would crawl back on his knees, begging for forgiveness, bit it didn't happen. They are living together, engaged and I have to share my kids with them. However, the thought of being with him now is repulsive. He lies to OW all the time, about money, where he goes, etcetera. I know because my DD tells me. In really don't care anymore. I always think of how lucky I'm to be free of him and how glad I am that he's her problem now.

I'm honestly happy. Like happier than I've been in years. I realize that I lost myself in my marriage. I spent years with someone who disregarded my feelings and disrespected me. I want so much more than that. I don't really care if he ever regrets his decision now. It's not important in my healing. You will get there too.

Take this time to enjoy your children and reconnect with friends.

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