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Should I contact the Other Man's Ex-wife

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shortyneedshlep posted 7/3/2014 14:29 PM

I have drafted a letter to my WS's OM's ex-wife. I have carefully prefaced it with a warning that it contains potentially painful topics. I want to get the opinion of those on this board if I should send it?

I have included an edited version below:

You donít know me. I donít know what Iím gaining by writing this letter to you, other than getting something off my chest. This message regards your ex-husband, NAME. If you choose to toss this letter in the trash and read no further, I will understand. I donít expect a reply and in-fact, Iím not sure if I would want you to write one if it will cause you any more pain and re-open old wounds that you may have already moved on from in your life. Think hard about reading the rest of this missive as it may be painful and my objective in sending this is not to cause you pain, but rather for me to bring something of a closure to a personal matter that I am dealing with.

For me, this is still new, fresh, and an open wound. For you, this may be news, old news, more bad news you already knew about, or none of the above. If it provides you with some closure then it may be good for you to hear what I have to say. If this, as I think it might, causes you more pain then I am truly sorry to be the bringer of bad news or, as mentioned to open an old wound. My intentions may indeed be purely selfish. Iím writing this, yet not yet knowing if I will put a stamp on it and actually mail it or send it to you electronically or let it sit without being sent. I have found over the past few weeks that just putting words on paper is somewhat therapeutic in that it allows me to remove myself from the pain and putting the words on paper puts some of what I feel into perspective. With those things said and an apology I will continueÖ.

My wife and your then husband had an emotional, physical, and virtual affair. I have only, just in the last few weeks, learned of these events. I wasnít there, so I donít know everything. I only know what my wife shares with me in our effort to reach the bottom of her betrayal of her vows to me. I am not a religious person. However, our vows were sacred to me as they were promises made between us and witnessed by our family and our friends, people who are very important to us.

What I do know is that sometime in 2006 or 2007 my wife NAME, who was a PROFESSIONAL student at the time, spent some time working with your ex-husband in TOWN. It is my understanding that you were still married. I have no idea of the health of your marriage or your relationship with your then husband at that time.

The facts are hard to hear for me and hard to document for me and are based upon recollections that NAME has shared with me as we work through this issue between ourselves.

Iím sure that prior to this initial event there was plenty of attention heaped on my wife, plenty of words said over work, plenty of flirting between the two of them. As has been related to me; one afternoon my wife had lunch with you and your then husband in your house while she was working at the practice. My wife recollects that after lunch you left to go back to work. After you left, they had sex in your house, supposedly with a condom (which leads me to believe that this was a planned encounter by at least one party or my wife is withholding information from me).

Their relationship has lasted several years and has been infrequent in nature, but I do know that they were continuing to have sex throughout our marriage, as recent as a year ago and potentially even more recently. I know that their relationship included multiple times where they were physically intimate and when not physically, they were involved via phone and messaging on the Internet and/or cell phone usage (including the exchange of graphic images). From the initial encounter in 2006/2007, Thanksgiving weekend 2011, last summer, and potentially this January there were sexual encounters. Their sexting/phone conversations were likely also infrequent, but did happen throughout that time as well and continued until June of this year.

What wounds me about their physical encounters is that usually, with the exception of one time, I was also in TOWN. That meant that I was stuck in her parentsí house with no transportation and dealing with her overbearing parents. That my wife found sexual comfort in another manís (and at the time, a married manís) arms, while I was trapped and miserable brings me profound grief. During one of these instances, I believe I actually shook your ex-husbandís hand when he picked my wife up to go ďhorseback riding.Ē I believe I told them to, ďhave fun.Ē What a pathetic shit I must have seemed. The fact that my wife could do what she did is beyond my comprehension. To think of what your ex-husband did boils my blood.

I know that in their later relationship, they planned encounters long before we travelled to TOWN. Reading their communication, which is how I discovered this relationship, caused me profound pain. That my wife would conspire to leave me behind to be with someone else hurts me to the core and has caused me severe emotional distress. Iím at an all-time low in my self-identity and am suffering very severe self-esteem crisis. I am seeing a therapist, on medication, and attempting to work through the issue with my wife.

I am not sure why you and your ex-husband separated and divorced. Knowing what I do now, I can imagine that he may have had other infidelities, or you may have even been aware of the relationship between my wife and your ex-husband. If the latter is the case, I donít know whether to thank you or curse you for keeping me in the dark.

As is only natural, I am projecting a lot of anger and violent thoughts towards your ex-husband. I find myself mentally plotting revenge, even though I am a non-violent person. I know itís a projection and that I wonít actually do anything that is outside of my nature, but the feelings are intensely personal and very graphic. If I could go back to the day your ex-husband picked my wife up for a roll in the back of a pickup truck and I happened to have a baseball batÖ.. I also know that Iím putting more of the blame on him than he is actually to blame for as it takes two to do what they did.

I have considered working with my wife to bring this to the attention of the State PROFESSIONAL board, writing letters to Colorado State or other PROFESSIONAL Schools, but do not know if this will just cause harm to her or is a worthwhile endeavor at all. If your ex-husband used his profession and his practice as some sort of sick sexual predatory scheme or some quid pro quo to naÔve young female PROFESSIONAL Students, which I honestly donít consider my wife to be naÔve, he is indeed a sick individual and a sexual predator. If he seeks out young women as externs and/or interns for this purpose it should be address as he has hurt us. If he has hurt others or continues to hurt others this is a problem and it must be stopped. However, as with the violent images, I will probably move on in my life unless given a reason to do otherwise.

If you were aware of your ex-husband infidelities, then you may be aware of the pain and questioning that I am living through every day. For that, I can only say that I am sorry we were both affected by this betrayal of trust by someone that we each loved. If this is news for you, then I can say that Iím sorry for bringing it to your attention when you have moved on or even if you are still trying to move on. If this in some weird way brings you peace as you may have not known, but had suspicions, or were thinking you were responsible for the failure of your marriage, then so be it.

My wife and I have decided to try to repair our marriage. I have asked for a strict no-contact rule between her and your ex-husband and have also had her do some reading, start therapy, and we will likely see a family therapist before this is behind us, if we can put it behind us.

My therapist and I discussed whether I should write or even send you this letter. She thinks that it will benefit me as it provides me with more putting my thoughts in perspective, but may harm someone else that I have no wish to cause pain to. I want to let you know that I do not believe you shoulder any of the blame or are in any way responsible for what happened between my wife and your ex-husband. On the contrary, I have done a lot of soul searching and realize that when the initial contact took place, I was in a bad place emotionally and that my wife may have looked elsewhere for what I was not providing her at the time. While I do share in the culpability of the condition of our marriage at the time the affair started, the blame and responsibility of the decision to actually have a physical affair belongs solely to them.

If you feel like replying, you are welcome to. If you hate me for bringing this to your attention or hate my wife for what she has done, I can understand. If I never hear from you I will assume that you have either thrown this out before reading or have moved on and would not want to spend the time or energy to formulate a response. I do have one request of you if you choose to take any action; I request that if you choose to confront your ex-husband with these facts that you do so without providing him the actual contents of this message. I know it not something I have any basis for asking you, in particular if I have hurt you, but do ask of you to honor this request for me, the betrayed individual in my side of these events.

My e-mail address is REMOVED. My phone number is ALSO REMOVED. If you want to call and vent at me, I will listen. If you want to call and discuss it, I will listen and be open and honest with you regarding what I know, how I know, and share my thoughts with you as well.

Again, I apologize if this has opened an old wound.

Kind Regards and an Honest Apology,

confused615 posted 7/3/2014 14:32 PM

If you send it, send it certified, so she has to sign for it. Otherwise OM will intercept it.

kiki1 posted 7/3/2014 14:42 PM

I dont think i would send it.

if it makes you feel better to get it on paper, then do so. But dont send it.

If she is the ex wife, why intentionally open an old wound or even wound her further with information she is unaware of? That's just unkind and self serving.

Be a gent and let it go, it will do her no good and will only cause unneeded pain.

Schadenfreude posted 7/3/2014 14:55 PM

Short version of critique: way too much focus on how you feel and your interactions with WW. Those are not her concern.

Longer version: she is divorced from OM. What do you think she stands to gain from receiving and reading this letter? Proof that she made the right choice in D?

Everything of value to her could be summed in a few sentences.

You don't know me, I am married to WW who worked for your former H at his office between 20XX and 20XX. While you may know this already, I recently learned from WW that your exH and she had an extramarital affair between Day 1 and Day Last. The events took place in your home, in the back of his truck and elsewhere. WW claims that the affair ended. I am trying to reconcile with her, and trust that she and your exH are no longer in communication.

As you are divorced, I don't know whether this information is of any value, or even interest to you. But as I just learned it, I felt that I should tell you in the event the behavior of your exH ever enters your life as an issue again. I hope that it does not.

Should you need to reach me, my email is; and my phone number is (XXX) 123-4567.

Everything else in your letter, as well written as it was, is irrelevant to OM's XBW.

Charity411 posted 7/3/2014 14:58 PM

I agree with Kiki. Don't send it. This is his ex-wife. She has no doubt been in her own personal hell. To give her details of what they did and where is only going to open new wounds and throw salt in them. It might make you feel better, but she was an innocent bystander in this mess. She lost her husband. You still have the option of keeping your wife. If it were me, being informed of that would make me resent the unfairness of that. If you get to reconcile, her husband's homewrecker mistress gets to go on with her happy previous life. She's left in the gutter with no marriage and a life she never asked for.

And to tell her that you are thinking of going to the various boards to get her ex-husband fired now has the potential to add financial worry to her already full plate. You could very possibly be cutting off her spousal maintenance and or child support. She hasn't done anything to deserve that.

If you feel better for getting it out on paper, great. But unless you know she wants these details, I think it would be cruel to send it.

mchercheur posted 7/3/2014 14:59 PM

I think you should send it. If I were her, & I didn't already know that this had gone on in my marriage,
I would want to know.
Maybe the POSOM ended their marriage blaming her for something, & she never even knew that their marriage ended because of infidelity.
I would want to know the truth.

There are a few things I would remove tho, for legal purposes.
I would take out the paragraph about wanting revenge, & if you had a baseball bat what you would like to do,etc.,
& I would also remove the next paragraph, that you are thinking of going to the State Professional Board.
No need to warn anyone, if you are planning to do that (I am not saying don't do it, just don't tell anyone you are going to do it.)

StillStanding1 posted 7/3/2014 15:03 PM

I've often pondered doing the same... Just reverse the sexes and our stories are similar. I've often wondered what the AP's xBH knew before she divorced him. Would it help him find closure to possible suspicions or would it open a wound he didn't really know he had? I will never know.

Perhaps for purely selfish reasons, I decided not to nudge that bees' hive. I considered whether the AP's xBH would confront her and if she might then contact my WH and reignite contact. Or that he might "go postal" and do something to my WH. What if he directed his anger at my WH and not his xWW and ruined his career, therefore affecting our income and my children's financial well-being?

I decided that I needed to look out for myself and my kids' best interests first. I chose not to poke the bear. Perhaps he will never know what happened in his life, but I choose not to make that my problem. I choose to focus on my WH and our M. He is the one that broke his vows to me, no matter who the AP was. I need to hold him accountable, not her.

(although I would be oh so very happy if the karma bus ran her over, backed up over her, and ran her over again.... just sayin')

Best of luck to you. Please think through all the possible outcomes before you go ahead with this. Be prepared for any fallout. Choose the path that is in YOUR best interest.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/3/2014 15:47 PM

You letter is much, much to personal to send to OM's XW.

If you do believe you must - and perhaps, like you, she is in the dark and doesn't know - I like the edited version much better.

Just the facts. Keep the emotion & your own personal story in your marriage.

Focus any repercussions you want to dole out on your WW. Don't give him the head space. As another mentioned, if you cause issue with his job, the collateral damage could mean hardship for her/any children. The OBS did nothing to you. The other man did nothing to you - I know some take issue with that, but he had no connection to you. Your wife, on the other hand, is the one that made vows to you, ignored them, broke your heart, etc. Your anger and energy should be directed at her.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 3:51 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

Raspberry posted 7/3/2014 15:59 PM

I think if you, do it but protect yourself. Omit the violent thoughts and baseball bat comment. You never know if it comes back to bite you in the ass....just be careful.

TheThreeYearFool posted 7/3/2014 16:01 PM

I'm going to suggest Schadenfreude's advice as well.

As someone who has some professional experience in communicating difficult concepts, I see two big problems with the letter as written:

1. It's long. People tend to tune out or skim long letters.

2. It's about you and your feelings, and this takes away the focus from the information that you need to convey.

Write it out for your own therapy but if you're going to send anything to the OM's XW, stick to the bare minimum of facts, leave out the emotion, and make it as short as possible.

annanew posted 7/3/2014 16:06 PM

Certainly don't include the paragraph about violent thoughts against her ex. Even as the exwife I would feel obligated to notify police and the exhusband, since I would not know how dangerous the sender is or isn't.

Also think you could cut down the preface quite a bit, but that's just personal taste :)

craig2001 posted 7/3/2014 17:20 PM

It is way too long and way too personal. This woman would have no interest in your actions and interactions with your wife.

Just the quick facts. Or make it bullet points. Just the facts.

And take out all and any reference to violent thoughts or violence.

I wouldn't even send it except this is a good point:

I would want to know.
Maybe the POSOM ended their marriage blaming her for something, & she never even knew that their marriage ended because of infidelity.

Schadenfreude posted 7/3/2014 17:23 PM

Still waiting on an answer to why you want to send it. She had nothing to do with the A, she was an innocent bystander in all likelihood. What do you think she stands to gain by such a letter?
It may just open a scab. And you are not likely to get a reply unless H hid his A's from her and blamed the D on her. But even if that is so, it is essentially moot now since AP is divorced from her.

hopefull77 posted 7/3/2014 17:35 PM

I agree with stillstanding1
My Hs AP and her husband divorced in the middle of their A...I'm sure he had an inkling as she was pulling away...
this is 3 years ago now....
he moved out of state....
I hope he's moved on but honestly I could care least....I have no idea what their 30 + year marriage was like...
Since you are trying to R focus on that....

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