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For BS or WS: New positions after A

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Lark posted 7/3/2014 17:20 PM

Is this normal? Post-A, my husband and I have started HB, and he is doing new positions. It has been majorly triggery for me because I feel like this is a result of what he's done with the other women. He says no.

Schadenfreude posted 7/3/2014 17:28 PM

Every man has seen, if not necessarily been enthralled by, porn. Those contortionists use positions I couldn't have achieved in my 20's. It is possible that H has seen some vids at some point in his life and wants to experiment if you are willing.

Your suspicion could be correct, too, but if he likes positional variety now, I'd suspect he had been watching, or remembering, porn scenes.

If you ask him directly, he'll deny out of pure embarrassment. I know complete truth is important post A, but I don't think most adult men would confess to being secret porn watchers, even though there are many who do. There's a whole thread devoted to the topic here!

Lark posted 7/3/2014 17:34 PM

I honestly don't think he is into porn. I mean I could very well be completely wrong. But his A seemed to be mostly just about physically with or communicating with the women. No pictures of them or anything like that except one clthed-butt shot that the one sent him

Lark posted 7/3/2014 17:37 PM

I should add, these aren't crazy positions. They are just distinctly different than what happened pre-A. And my mind triggers because at least one of them seems exactly what they would've done through having sex in his truck. It is horribly triggering and I don't know how to communicate it without making him either embarrassed, feel bad, shut down, or tell me that it is related to them and really F* my head up

hopefull77 posted 7/3/2014 17:41 PM

Yea that happened ...I said don't bring any of your new tricks to our bed....thank you very much....

plainpain posted 7/3/2014 17:49 PM

I can totally relate to this. Post-A my WH started getting very creative in the bedroom. It triggered me AWFUL. I assumed he was doing things with me that he had learned with AP. When I finally talked to him about it, he said that he was never creative with AP. He did watch a LOT of porn, so no doubt he picked up some ideas along the way. I actually think it was from the new honesty and intimacy between us. He started feeling more free to be expressive in the bedroom - less fear that I was going to be creeped out. More invested in being a good lover to me and being vulnerable with his 'likes'. He puts a lot more thought into that now.

I know it hurts and it is triggery - but if you like what he's doing, then just enjoy it. If you don't like it, then you should let him know. Sexual healing takes a long time. The key is honesty and trust. We are over a year out, and I don't really worry about what he did sexually with AP any more. I never thought I would say that.

RightTrack posted 7/3/2014 19:13 PM

My WH learned a bunch of dildo tricks with OW (guess she didn't travel without it). He suggested we get one....NOPE, maybe with the next husband.

TheGivingTree posted 7/3/2014 23:05 PM

I actually think it was from the new honesty and intimacy between us. He started feeling more free to be expressive in the bedroom - less fear that I was going to be creeped out. More invested in being a good lover to me and being vulnerable with his 'likes'. He puts a lot more thought into that now.

This ^^^^^^ is true for us as well. Sex in general was really difficult at times during the first year. But now that the mind movies have pretty much stopped, the new positions and greater intimacy is helping to make R possible.

Lark posted 7/4/2014 01:07 AM

Is it something I should try to bring up to understand if it's related to just new intimacy or if it's tied to the OW? It's hard to fully enjoy it when it's triggering questions like "is this how they had sex?"

I feel like open communication is important - these particular topics are extremely difficult for me to talk about with him, and if nothing else the A is making me move beyond my comfort zone to talk with him about it which I think is important because we should've been talking about it a year+ ago. But, I do not know how to ask the question that will not make him feel hurt or embarrassed. I know some of the details, and he knows the details I do know have hit me very hard in our physical relationship. On the other hand, if this is a result of what he's done with her, this is something I want to know.

On the detailed physical questions, I keep trying to weigh whether knowing would help or hurt, and i guess I'm cycling on this one as well

[This message edited by Lark at 1:08 AM, July 4th (Friday)]

Ostrich80 posted 7/4/2014 01:31 AM

My ws did too and it most definitely made me think it was something he and ow had done. When you've been with someone awhile, you try new things but theres still their M.O. but his new things were, how do I out this? Ok if its a new position you kinda are maybe a littke awkward at first, maybe giggle a bit, until you get it going right. My ws did it like he had done it more than a few times, it was me that was like..whoa hold on, I gotta do what? yea he knew Wtf he was doing and.I felt like I.had to get caught up. So I would say if your wondering.if.its from ow, did he already have it mastered or were you both seemingly doing it for the first time. I.hope this makes sense, what I'm trying to say.

plainpain posted 7/4/2014 01:32 AM

If it is impacting your ability to have intimate, enjoyable sex with your H then yes, you need to talk about it. I know it is hard, and we don't always want to know the things we find out. I think the big rule is to talk about it at a time when you are NOT having sex. For me, I just said, "I feel like when you did that new thing, you were doing something you had done with AP and I felt so jealous". I think that focused it on how I felt, not on what he did, and left him room to respond in a way that wouldn't wreck me. My H had sex with another woman. Unless I am going to decide never to have sex with him again, I am going to have to find a way to get past it if I want to fully enjoy sex with my H. He is my husband, dammit, and I am going to reap ALL the benefits of his skill, regardless of where he learned it. He is not having sex with her now, and that is really what matters.

It takes time, but your WH should be fully invested in your emotional safety, in and out of the bedroom. Talk to him. ((Lark))

Lark posted 7/4/2014 01:46 AM

Thanks all. I guess part of my anxiety over it is that we were having sex during his affair. It didn't feel very intimate when we did and there were certainly not new positions.

Now that the A is out in the open, the new positions started immediately when we resumed intimacy - and now he's fully present and the intimacy is there. But so are the new positions, which aren't crazy or that weird or anything at all. They just seem completely in line with what would've had to have happened with the APs to make it "work" in his truck.

And it's triggery because I suppose I worry that now that the A is out in the open he's giving me part of himself that he held back and only offered them, worries that he is doing this with me thinking of his times with them, or feels ok to do what he did with them to me now that the A is out in the open and they're in the past.

All of which may be wrong and it could just be that the intimacy is heightened.

That's a good way of wording it and I will try to figure out when to approach the topic. I knew during sex would be a bad time haha

norabird posted 7/4/2014 10:08 AM


It's okay that this triggers you and it will be good to discuss it with your WH. I hope you can get to a place where you are able to let the triggers go and be fully in the moment but at first it's not easy. Be gentle with yourself.

plainpain posted 7/4/2014 10:27 AM

We had a LOT of sex during his A and there were no new positions. Same thing here - it was during HB that the new tricks came out. Honestly, I seriously doubt that HB would be the time the WS would start trying to act out A stuff with the spouse. Especially with all the talk of compartmentalization, I would think they would want to distance themselves from anything A related. Reading in the "ask the menz" thread helped me a lot. You might try posting this specifically as a question from BS to WS in the "I Can Relate" thread. I think that, assuming you have a remorseful WH, the newness is from the same place your own heightened desire for him is from. He is focusing his desire and creative efforts on the person who deserves them. Maybe even purposely trying to keep you from walking away, by trying to be better in bed.

Lonelygirl10 posted 7/4/2014 10:58 AM

Yup, new positions for us. He actually started a new position right before Dday, and I questioned him on it. Then after Dday he tried that same new position again, and I wanted to hit him. It definitely made me feel like he learned it from her. And he definitely was not going to do it with me. Major triggers.

Lark posted 7/4/2014 12:05 PM

I talked with my husband last night. He said he actually wanted to try new positions to make sure he was *not* doing what he'd done with the other women. That sex with them was very straightforward. And that shortly after we had become intimate again, I had asked him something vague about one of the positions about OW#1 and he wanted to make the physical intimacy as "safe" for me as he could by doing things differently so that I could minimize triggers and be in-the-moment.

So I feel better and I'm glad I talked with him about it

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