So down today.
A month ago I had dday#3. Asked some questions immediately but of course had more as it settled in. This is a dday relating to something he denied/lied about that happened 20 years ago.
Over a week ago I emailed him a list of questions and relayed some deep feelings about it. Asked him to respond in person. Explained I needed more answers and discussion. He still has not replied except for an 'I'm working on replying' email back to me and only because after 3 days I got upset that he wasn't prioritizing my needs. If this was the first time this had happened I would be upset and I would handle it. It's not. 75% of the time he doesn't respond to my emails at all. I can't even count how many times I have told him how much that hurts. I have explained my need for better communication and answers to my questions till I'm blue in the face.
This week, about 3 days ago, I finally felt I had no choice but to withdraw from him. I let him know physical touch was no longer welcome and I would discuss only the kids, house and animals, that I am so tired of saying the same thing over and over.
He had said in his 'I'm replying' email that he doesn't like talking about 'this stuff' as it makes his chest heavy and he knows when we do I pull away from him. To me that is selfish motivation. His chest can't hurt for the time it takes to reply to an email and have a conversation but I can be in pain 24/7 with mind movies in my head and feeling completely ignored apparently. I may pull away some initially as the info sinks in and I feel the hurt but I have pulled away so much more from being ignored. What really bothered me is that he would try to go on with life as if nothing was going on between us. He would still try to hug and kiss me, snuggle, talk as normal etc.
Now, after 3 more days and still no effort on his part I feel so sad.
I had done soo much work and come so far and this feels like such a betrayal of that. I need to feel safe. I need to know he's ready to fight for us and willing to be transparent, willing to talk about things when I need to. In the past I have always felt guilty about wanting/needing to discuss. I have always thought about how he gets uncomfortable and allowed that to deter me from getting my own needs met. I can't do it anymore.
Now it's sinking in that even barely having any interaction isn't even enough to motivate him. My biggest fear, and I've told him this, has always been that if I am not the one to always facilitate healing and communication it would never happen. He is quite passive and that scares me.
He mentioned fireworks downtown tonight and going for a walk earlier and I just want to say 'really? No I don't want those things. I want out if this misery. I want to talk but you wont give me that!' Instead I just said no and he quietly walked away.
I miss my husband but I can't do it anymore the way it's been. I don't understand how he can be so loving when I cry and still withhold communication knowing how much it hurts and that he has the power to help. I just don't understand.
[This message edited by FixYou71 at 5:43 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]