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a turn for the worse

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FixYou71 posted 7/3/2014 17:41 PM

So down today.
A month ago I had dday#3. Asked some questions immediately but of course had more as it settled in. This is a dday relating to something he denied/lied about that happened 20 years ago.
Over a week ago I emailed him a list of questions and relayed some deep feelings about it. Asked him to respond in person. Explained I needed more answers and discussion. He still has not replied except for an 'I'm working on replying' email back to me and only because after 3 days I got upset that he wasn't prioritizing my needs. If this was the first time this had happened I would be upset and I would handle it. It's not. 75% of the time he doesn't respond to my emails at all. I can't even count how many times I have told him how much that hurts. I have explained my need for better communication and answers to my questions till I'm blue in the face.
This week, about 3 days ago, I finally felt I had no choice but to withdraw from him. I let him know physical touch was no longer welcome and I would discuss only the kids, house and animals, that I am so tired of saying the same thing over and over.
He had said in his 'I'm replying' email that he doesn't like talking about 'this stuff' as it makes his chest heavy and he knows when we do I pull away from him. To me that is selfish motivation. His chest can't hurt for the time it takes to reply to an email and have a conversation but I can be in pain 24/7 with mind movies in my head and feeling completely ignored apparently. I may pull away some initially as the info sinks in and I feel the hurt but I have pulled away so much more from being ignored. What really bothered me is that he would try to go on with life as if nothing was going on between us. He would still try to hug and kiss me, snuggle, talk as normal etc.
Now, after 3 more days and still no effort on his part I feel so sad.
I had done soo much work and come so far and this feels like such a betrayal of that. I need to feel safe. I need to know he's ready to fight for us and willing to be transparent, willing to talk about things when I need to. In the past I have always felt guilty about wanting/needing to discuss. I have always thought about how he gets uncomfortable and allowed that to deter me from getting my own needs met. I can't do it anymore.
Now it's sinking in that even barely having any interaction isn't even enough to motivate him. My biggest fear, and I've told him this, has always been that if I am not the one to always facilitate healing and communication it would never happen. He is quite passive and that scares me.
He mentioned fireworks downtown tonight and going for a walk earlier and I just want to say 'really? No I don't want those things. I want out if this misery. I want to talk but you wont give me that!' Instead I just said no and he quietly walked away.
I miss my husband but I can't do it anymore the way it's been. I don't understand how he can be so loving when I cry and still withhold communication knowing how much it hurts and that he has the power to help. I just don't understand.

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 5:43 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

Aubrie posted 7/3/2014 19:34 PM

I'm so sorry for your pain.

It is his job to make you feel safe and to answer your questions. Promptly and efficiently. Are there times when we may not have the whole answer? Absolutely. But he has given you exactly nothing, and that is completely unacceptable.

His "chest hurts" thing is an excuse. He doesn't want to face facts. He doesn't want to have to deal with what he did. And if he pushes you off on enough, maybe you'll forget about it. Only, It doesn't work that way.

You've had 3 ddays. Don't rugsweep that mess. He needs to dig in and find out his whys. If not, you'll have another dday.

Protect yourself. Implement the 180. Build up your strength. Mark your boundaries. Draw your in in the sand. Come here for support and comfort.

Hugs.

FixYou71 posted 7/3/2014 19:52 PM

Thank you Aubrie. I appreciate you reading amd responding.
I know you're right. It sucks. We had gotten so close and made such progress. It's hard knowing he's right there and would love to be as close as I want but I know it wouldnt solve anything. I know I can never feel safe unless he is dependable and his definition of trying to be a better H and help me heal doesn't also include the kind of communication this requires and complete transparency.
I know if this doesn't get fixed the next speedbump we hit will send me back into this feeling that I have to be the one who is responsible to figure out how to solve it or fix it because if I don't he'll just remain quiet and never contest or protest or do anything to make sure we get back to where we should be.
That is exactly how we got here in the first place.
Man it hurts today.

Aubrie posted 7/3/2014 20:02 PM

The tough thing is seeing his broken, wanting to help him, but being completely helpless to do so. He has to fix him. He had to put his broken pieces together. And he may chose not to.

Sending warm thoughts to you.

jupiter13 posted 7/4/2014 01:20 AM

Wow! You just wrote exactly what has been going on here. There are emails over a month old still not opened and read. I sent 2 more today and know he read.one of them but still no responce or a word. Now he went to bed so I know nothing will be said or done tonight. Here I sit now with all this stuff just simmering on the surface and he does nothing to help me heal accept or move forward as if we just move through each day as normal as possiblee with passage of time it will all be alright. He also buys me stuff that he knows will make me happy but all that does for me now is make me feel like I am being bought off like a cheap whore. Now that's just adding fuel to the damage already done. It's not like he does not know what it is I am wanting (same thing you are saying) it's like he doesn't care. He said he can not help me heal he don't know how and Ii have PTSD so those are my issues to work on. He said he didn't know what dates he did her but in looking back on some photos I know he did her on July 4 it is written all over him in one photo after he showed up late to a BbQ feels like d day all over again. I do not know what more I can do to get him to help me he said all the same things your husband said like his pain is the only one that is important and I don't count at all. I feel for yku and wl be curious if pulling away like you are doing helps or hurts. Please let me know I may want to do It myself if he doesn't respond this time. He also give me tbese short answers " I am here for you now" "I feel your pain" these do nothing for me.

FixYou71 posted 7/4/2014 04:09 AM

Jupiter13,
After fully pulling away big time today with only absolutely necessary conversation (short, blunt replies on my part) I got an email from him reiterating how hard it is to communicate about this. He again talked about how the night of last dday was so traumatic for him and he relives it, my weeping, leaving for several hours, being extremely angry and screaming at him. Says he keeps hearing what I said about for the first time not knowing if we're gonna make it and keeps seeing in his mind what I wrote about him making out and how I have this mental movie of me standing there holding my baby and watching them from 20 yards away. He says he is crushed and is afraid to have more conversation, doesn't know why it's so hard for him, he's tried to get up the nerve but chickens out. And that it's not because he doesn't want to help me.
I didnt respond. Went to the couch (once he fell asleep) instead of staying in our bed. He came out at 3 am and tried getting close to me. I wouldnt respond. He stayed a good 10 minutes, took my hand and asked me to come to bed, I pulled it away and said no, keeping my eyes closed the entire time. He finally went back to bed. We'll see what tomorrow brings. I haven't slept before 4 or 5 am since dday#3 on May 31st. (Dday #3 is re: his inviting a girl out for drinks and then drunk kissing her- happened 20 years ago when our daughter was a baby right after we were married (prego before marriage). I had asked the direct question years ago if he'd been with/kissed anyone since we started dating and he told me of a night when he was drunk and we were having a party at our apt with work friends because we were moving out of state the next day and a married girl who worked there before I did came in and kissed him where he was laying in our bed pretty much passed out. He kissed her back. Says he didnt realize it wasnt me. He failed to tell me about this other girl. He also failed to tell me that she kissed him again at his college commencement where my baby and I were in the stands supporting him. This all happened right after we were married. He kissed 2 different women in the same week which happened to be a few weeks before our first aniversary. Supah special!

FixYou71 posted 7/5/2014 19:58 PM

Well, here we go. Almost no contact for 3 days and finally he is ready to go over my email. I must admit I'm nervous. I told him I'm actually glad he ignored me for so long on this very important email because it gave me the guts to finally say I'm not putting up with it anymore.

tired girl posted 7/5/2014 20:28 PM

So what exactly is your H doing to work on himself and this extreme conflict avoidance?

hihn posted 7/5/2014 21:54 PM

FixYou71: Ugh! You are living the past 25 years of my life with my WH. Who as of 4/8/14 admitted to having a porno addiction, and sex addiction. Which spurred him on to 22+ different anonymous sex partners and 2 affairs with co-workers. We are now going to a MC & sex addiction counselor. I have often told my family & close friends that I am either very brave or very stupid for agreeing to save our marriage. Only time will tell. There by the GRACE OF GOD GO I. What you are describing of your spouses responses was exactly what I lived through for 25 years. I hope you are not on the same path that I was on. If so get off that path it leads to misery! If you aren't going to an MC for yourself, do it and do it soon.

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