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brokensmile322 posted 7/3/2014 17:42 PM

So today my Wh hired a female. No big deal. What triggered me though was how he talked to her when he did. He was friendly but It wasn't really too friendly. What triggered me? I had to take minute to figure out what was behind the sick feeling I had in my stomach. What was really behind it.

Our mc has pointed out that some interaction between the sexes is normal. I get that. His job is to motivate people. I also get that.

So I sat a minute and I realized his conversation reminded me of countless ones I heard with cOW. At that time I would say that I didn't like how casual he was with her. Joking, kidding etc... He told me then that I was being ridiculous. Their friendship deepened. And well, the rest is history.

His actions triggered abandonment issues in me. That he will leave too like everyone else. Fear is real. I feel unlovable. Not worthwhile.

These are the feelings that this 2 minute conversation with the new hire dredged up for me. I never want to feel that again. There wasnt anything wrong with his conversation. I would prefer he would just be curt with all females. Mc has said this is not realistic especially for someone who's job is public relations.

Obviously this is tied to some of the same emotions from my childhood. Very intense. Mc has also stated that this is not my wh's fault or issue. It is mine to deal with.

How? It seems that the easiest is to eliminate all other women from the planet. Lol! Or in other words eliminate his talking with women. Not possible either. Not realistic. Mc says he has changed how he deals with women. He will not get close to or talk to anyone as much as he did with OW. I guess I don't trust this. I guess at the core I don't believe he won't abandon me again. Not sure how to rid myself of that feeling other than ridding myself of WH. And that has been my MO all my life. I will cut people out if they hurt me even a little. My IC has said this is what I have been searching for. That ONE thing I can find so I can once and for all be rid of WH so I don't have to be vulnerable.

I just don't know where to go from here. Help. Anyone have any insight on where to go from here?

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 5:44 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

painfulpast posted 7/3/2014 18:00 PM

Complete apologies here - but do you mind sharing (or resharing) why you have these abandonment issues?

Also, I think it's very normal, abandonment issues or not, feeling uneasy when a WH is dealing with a female is normal.

Mc has also stated that this is not my wh's fault or issue. It is mine to deal with.

And that's when I'd be looking for a new MC. If there was never an A that escalated these issues, ok. But there was. He's blaming YOU for triggering after your H cheated. Sorry - but to me, that's blaming you for reacting normally to a traumatic event. Your issues and yours to deal with. How nice for your WH - he gets to put your issues on steroids and MC tells you that's YOUR problem.

tired girl posted 7/3/2014 18:42 PM

And that has been my MO all my life. I will cut people out if they hurt me even a little.

This has also been my MO as well. I also was waiting for something to happen so I could be done. My IC has done a lot of inner child work with me to help heal that and it has really helped me to trust MYSELF, and now I know that I can open up and be ok with reaching to things that I didn't before.

This is really more about you right now than him.

AML04 posted 7/3/2014 19:33 PM

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My MO is the opposite. I have always rugswept when people hurt me and gave forgiveness too early. They weren't "purposefully" hurting me so I'd give them a pass. Having a hard time with this right now.

Whether your WH not talking to women is realistic or not, it doesn't matter. Right now it triggers you. Eventually maybe you can get to a point where it doesn't but for now he has to understand that it does and be more careful. If he's the boss there is no reason for him to be (overly) friendly. It should be business only.

Morhurt posted 7/3/2014 20:59 PM

H and I are working through some very similar issues. What seems to help me (us) the most is tons of talking it over. Boundaries are confusing, especially when it comes to work stuff. When I recently blew up at H and told him that his boundaries were still too weak (with a customer) he decided to stop talking to women all together. It was hard. Like you, that would be my preference but obviously it's not going to happen. Instead we talked about what "safe" looks like to me. I mentioned people we know that are friendly and helpfull without stepping over boundaries at all. It helped him a lot I think, and me. We also played out some scenarios and appropriate responses.
It's all so f'ing tuff isn't it. The thing that makes me keep going is his obvious desire to get it right. Without that I don't know if I could go on.

blakesteele posted 7/4/2014 00:16 AM

((((Brokensmile322 and mr brokensmile322))))

A big hug for both of you.

This. Is. Me.

My wife, your husband could not have chosen a more destructive way to hurt us then the full abandonment that adultery is. Period!

IC sessions with 2 different therapists focused heavily on my abandonment fears.....a fear that is primal in nature to those who experienced abandonment in their formative years. My Dad physically, emotionally and spiritually abandoned me at the age of 12 upon parents D. My Mom was physically there for me after that but withdrawn emotionally and spiritually much of the time.

My CSA event was abandonment even before that. What they choose to do made me feel unsafe, vulnerable and scared. This is when my foundation started to shake.

That whole "you hurt me and I am done!" Mode of operation????

My Mom lives this way.

My older brother is this way....he D and is so hurt he will not date again...his D was rather sudden. Meaning his wife withdrew from him and they filed for D....not much work to save their M. His ex wife has admitted she wanted him to fight for her. He did not. Because if exactly what you are feeling brokensmile322.

My younger brother has zero close friends. He is visiting with me on my therapy searching out a therapist on his own as he is struggling with intimacy in his life. He feels his wife deserves more but he is up against a wall he can't see and doesn't know how to get threw it.

My Dad is classic abandonment fear guy. Friends are "great", job is "great" until.....poof.....they are NOT! And he shuns and quits. His FOO is as f'ed as they come.....a fact I didn't know until 3 years ago. Dad has so repressed his pain.....

My wife, your husband has no idea the struggles I have gone through to MOT do as my FOO does!

And this leads me to why I hugged your husband.....

Our spouses hurt us deeply.....but it is our long standing brokenness that has been exposed by their A.

It's kinda mushy and soft, this sitch, as the pain is one now......but it is kind of our shit to work out. Don't throw rocks.....I know our spouses hurt us badly and they have a pike of restitution to do. But the amplifying of their actions is of pain we experienced long ago. Pain I didn't face 30 years ago. Couldn't face years ago. Pain that I must expose, heal and feel.....and mostly on our own.

It is up to us to face it. It can be done without our parents. For that matter we could heal from our spouses pain without them too! Offering R is partly us asking for their help....

But but but......our spouses need to understand our STRONG "flight" desires.

Visualization exercises have helped me.

God is the only reason I have made it this far. So many times I have just wanted to drive away.

Kids. They have been a factor in my journey.

As bad as I wanted to flee my wife.....the visualization exercises have me thinking of them over and over. I do NOT want to repeat my FOO patterns more than I want to selfishly protect myself.

Plus, therapy has painfully bit skillfully pointed out that what I consider "protecting" myself is actually quite UNHEALTHY!!!

My CoD choices are one such way I "protected" myself.

F that way of living.

So I am fighting against my FOO, the similar pain my wife has inflicted upon me, and the stats that say my M will fail.

It is a painful but healthy fight.

I must do this, you must do this to break free from the long standing pain from within. Pain that our spouses added to, but pain that pre-dates them as part of our lives.

Peace, my friend.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:22 AM, July 4th (Friday)]

brokensmile322 posted 7/4/2014 07:16 AM

Thank you for the support everyone. I guess there is more work I need to do to heal that child. Not sure how you do it and honestly I do not want to feel it.

Things have gone from bad to worse here too. I fear we are truly at the end of our rope. My WH has shut down and I am swiftly withdrawing. Doesn't bode well for someone with abandonment issues.

blakesteele posted 7/4/2014 07:48 AM


Floating above helps me in times like the ones you are experiencing.

Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing

That book was HUGE in training me on how to survive the spot you are in right now. If you have an E reader....get it now.

I know that hopeless feeling.

I know that "oh shit.....I gotta heal MY old pain?!,!?" Feeling.

I know what it's like to avoid something for 30 years and have to finally "meet it".

I know how lonely and terrifying it feels to face it ALONE!

I know where you are at. I still get there sometimes.

You have followed MY know I am telling you the truth.

I also know you, like me, still occasionally think you can single-handily save your M. You CAN heal yourself....but you can't save your marriage on your own. I can't either. If the other half of a CoD cycle continues to distance and shut down.....the M will not survive.

I had a choice in how to respond to you. I could have just hugged you and reminded you that you are on my prayer list. I chose this lengthy response instead.

I pray it comforts you. You are normal. You have real pain. You are healing. The fact you recognize all that you are is proof you can not go back to who you were.

You may not be where you want, but thank God you are not where you were.

Peace my friend.

blakesteele posted 7/4/2014 07:59 AM

It is not a coincidence you have the Vicktor quote that you do!

I ordered his book a year ago because of that quote. His personal story is one of solo growth in the midst of trauma.

While we are hard wired to need connection with others, that "other" does not have to be our spouse. It does while we are married.....but if you continue to heal and become that person that can connect and bond to others and your husband doesn't......that is not your fault. You did not fail your M.

Abandonment fears jack with our ability to be vulnerable with others. This is what we need to face and fix. Our spouses did not "make us" be that way any more than we "made them" cheat. Both choices were solo in nature and are results of pain we experienced but did not face in our childhoods.

We now have the choice to do better now that we know better.

Keep the faith.

tired girl posted 7/4/2014 11:49 AM

Broken smile,

Instead of withdrawing try reaching out to your H instead. Let him know of the struggle you are facing right now. Not in a blaming way, like it is his fault, but that this is your own person battle and you need his support while you work through trying to fix this. He needs to know that he isn't the only one that has had to fix things while you supported, he has a job to support you while you do work as well. That is part of his job as a WS. ASK for his support, in a loving and kind way. See what happens. Big hugs, this stuff is not easy.

brokensmile322 posted 7/8/2014 06:18 AM

Thank you!

And thank you, Tired Girl.

At a time when I was truly ready to pull away for good, you hit me with your last post. Thank you!

I turned toward my husband and told him what I was feeling. It allowed him to stop shutting down as well.

This whole process is a roller coaster for sure.

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