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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: Preparing to tell my DH
Macsecond
♀ 43972
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

I'm new to this forum, and to this whole thing really. My A was short term, internet based, emotional, not physical. I just broke things off with the OM today, though for the last two months I've been gradually withdrawing more and more contact and energy/attention.

Things started 4 months ago. We met on a different forum and clicked/connected quickly. Because we were initially discussing things sexual in nature, our conversations quickly shifted and changed to the point where we began sexting (by private message)and in the fog, we professed love for one another as we got to know each other beyond just a sexual context.

The first time things escalated, I felt immediate regret, but I was hooked by feeling fiercely loved by a new stranger, and all the exciting new relationship energy. We traded pics, even skyped eventually, but after our first sexual encounter via skype, I immediately panicked and felt regret. It was hard to stop it when I should have, but I instantly regretted it when it was done. I told him as much and, though it was hard, put the brakes on our relationship. Initially we fantasized and talked about him coming to visit me and what we would do. Then he actually made arrangements to visit, coming with his family on a vacation. It was at this point things became too real. After struggling with the guilt, I let him know that I didn't want to physically cheat on my husband and that we needed to stop any romantic interaction. He wanted to remain in my life, though, and because we'd also grown close as friends, I also didn't want to lose this even though it was inappropriate for me to maintain contact. So we remained secret friends for another two months until today.

I was too chicken to hurt/disappoint him even though I knew it was for the best that I should have cut off contact earlier. He was due to arrive next week, and I thought I could keep things up until then, meet with him, and then shut things down, but I came to the realization yesterday that I couldn't and shouldn't. (after posting and getting feedback/advice on a different forum).

I'm still feeling a mix of emotions, and feel like, after reading information here and on other sites, that I should tell my husband. I had originally intended to never tell him and bear the secret and the burden of the guilt on my own now that things are over between me and the OM, but I do believe it's for the best I tell my H, I just... don't know how. I don't know where to start. I don't want to burst our bubble. We're happy. Things are going really well between us. They have been for a while. There's no reason for the affair I had other than I got caught up and swept up in the new, exciting feelings, and was too weak to say no and shut things down when I should have.

I'm terrified my H will want a divorce - that he'll feel so betrayed and that it will be a deal breaker, no matter what the circumstances. His good friend went through this recently (though his friend's wife wasn't remorseful, whereas I'm willing to do anything and everything it takes to make things right and make it up to him, and to ensure it never happens again, because it won't). I'm terrified of him being angry with me and having to face that, even though I know he has every right to be. I'm so ashamed of having betrayed him and of hurting him (even though he isn't even aware of it yet), and wish I could just go back in time and erase what I did, or not tell him and have everything be okay, or even to tell him and have him be okay with it. I know, wishful thinking, and I shouldn't get off that easy.

Any advice or support you could send my way would be great. I haven't planned nor decided yet when to tell him or how, but it feels like it should be soon. We have two young kids, so it will have to be a time when we're uninterrupted, but those moments don't come often.

I want to cry every time I think of having hurt him, and wish I hadn't f'd things up.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 amazing daughters (DD6 and DD2)
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC.
Working on R.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,
I want to welcome you and tell you that I'm glad you're here. This is a great place for support.

I also had an online EA that started on a forum so I could relate to a lot of what you said. We never escalated to skyping, that was before the days of smart phones, but I understand the intensity of an A like that. Mine was instant messenger and phone calls.

I didn't tell my BH at first, and after we ended it I went on to have two PAs that H found out about, and eventually I confessed my EA. I think you know that confessing is the right way to go. Many of us think it will end our M immediately but most of the time our BS surprises us. Besides, it's not up to us to make that decision for them. It's not fair for them to be in a marriage where they don't have all the information.

Please tell him soon, and go complete NC with OM. I dragged NC out and that was a mistake. I think if BH knew, NC would have been firm.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. What led to the A? How did you go from 'friends' to an online A? This is what you need to look at. Where do you go from here as far as fixing your thought process that allowed you to go there? Are you in IC (individual counseling) to work this all out?

Keep posting. We are here for you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38956 | Registered: Sep 2007
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Macsecond,

I'm glad you found us, but I'm so sorry for the reason you are here. I remember the fear and panic when I was preparing to tell my BH, but my H really already knew.

This is probably the hardest thing to now you will ever have to do. There is no way to make it easier but it would be best if you could have a few days without the kids. Can they visit family?

The most important advice I can give you is to be completely honest no matter how hard it is or how much you fear the truth will hurt him give him the truth. He NEEDS it to heal. He will know in his gut if you are lying or minimizing so don't. Answer all of his questions. ALL of them, honestly. Do not blame him or the marriage. Own it all yourself. This is not the time to talk about problems in the marriage or unmet needs. Those will have to wait now.

Don't trickle truth (admit the truth in spurts a little at a time). This is much more painful to the BS and destroys their trust even more than finding out about the A.

Most BSs say it isn't the A that kills the chance for R (reconciliation) it's the lies and trickle truths. Those hurt like a bitch, don't do that to him.

Good luck.

(((((Macsecond)))))


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1525 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there.

I know the feeling. Hiding a secret. Trying to act normal. Wanting to end it but feeling like I want to continue too. Fear of my husband's reaction. The whole bit. BTDT.

I confessed. Everything. There isn't really a good way to break it to him. Just get it out be honest. Be 100% transparent. Don't delete anything because he may want to see it. Don't make decisions for him.

Know what? I think there's a confession guide around here somewhere. Lemme see if I can find it and bump it for you.

Anyway, know you aren't alone. Welcome. Hate you're here. But really, since you are, know this is the best place on the Internet to work thru your crap.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6532 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Macsecond
♀ 43972
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please tell him soon, and go complete NC with OM. I dragged NC out and that was a mistake. I think if BH knew, NC would have been firm.

I agree. I tried to cut contact with the OM after the first few weeks. It came out that he misrepresented who he was. At that point we had only sexted, and it was the perfect opportunity, really, to go NC. But I was weak, and caved after a day. Even though he misrepresented himself, his base/core details were him and he gave me total honesty and transparency from then on, because he felt I was important to him that he didn't want to mess things up and lose me again. I know you can't necessarily trust people on the internet, but I did, even after that. He said he felt more connected to me than his wife. That he wishes he'd met me first. I know, and knew even then, that was the fog talking, but it still sucked me in.

So I messaged him, even though I knew I'd regret it (I certainly do now), and things escalated at that point to where we skyped and exchanged pics before the guilt/regret overshadowed the passion for me and I pulled the plug on any/all romantic/sexual stuff.

You have a lot of work ahead of you. What led to the A? How did you go from 'friends' to an online A? This is what you need to look at. Where do you go from here as far as fixing your thought process that allowed you to go there? Are you in IC (individual counseling) to work this all out?

I think it was missing that new relationship energy. Prior to this, I had always fantasized about being single and meeting/falling in love with other men. This was sort of an extension to that. because it was online, there was that disconnect there, so it was like an interactive fantasy/erotica-romance story, but still disconnected/separated enough because of the computer screen to get carried away and not seem real.

Ultimately, it's low self esteem on my part that enabled it to get started, lack of me putting time and effort (getting complacent) in my relationship with my husband, and my pursuit of pleasure paired with the reluctance to cause distress/upset that kept it going beyond where it should have stopped. I'm a "pull the bandaid off slowly" kind of gal, and it seemed, at the time, easier to just become friends than to go totally NC.

I'm not in counselling yet, but do plan to seek IC very soon, and to offer MC to BH as well when I tell him. I don't know if I should wait until I've gone to IC first or to just go ahead and confess sometime over the next few days.

I keep going over in my head what I should say, and I keep leaning towards downplaying things, but I know I shouldn't trickle-truth, and should just give him the cold hard truth, but I'm afraid he'll shut down and not be able to hear anything past the "I cheated on you" detail.

[This message edited by Macsecond at 7:06 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 amazing daughters (DD6 and DD2)
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC.
Working on R.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
EvolvingSoul
♀ 29972
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there Macsecond,

You've done a really good thing in finding this place. The people here have helped me tremendously. I can honestly say I don't think I would be where I am in my healing today without SI.

I was not one who confessed so I don't have any advice for you as far as how to do it, but I do want to say that I think you're doing the right thing. It'll be really difficult and painful. It will change your relationship with your BS on the outside but realize that it has already changed on the inside. Were you to hide the truth from him indefinitely, it would ruin any chance you have for real intimacy and authenticity in your relationship. Lying also messes up your brain. It literally changes it so that it can manage dealing with two separate realities. The one in which you are had an affair (yours) and the one in which you didn't (his).

It's exhausting and damaging and fracturing to think and live that way. And once the neural pathways for that kind of thinking and choice making get established, our clever minds can use them for justifying all kinds of choices in which we get our needs met at other people's expense. It was amazing just how much my inappropriate behavior escalated because I became skilled at mentally figuring out how to make it okay. Lying muscles.

Truth muscles are the way to go. Confessing will cost you a lot of emotional pain, but not your self-respect and your integrity. Those you begin to regain.

You will get much support here. Strength and perseverence to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

[This message edited by EvolvingSoul at 7:10 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Me: WS (53)
Him: Shards (48)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 312 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
ophelia24
♀ 38438
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a very brave thing to confess an affair, and it also shows a huge amount of love for your H, as well as yourself. Although your H may not feel the love in it at the time as it will be a huge shock and incredibly painful for him.

I confessed old affairs to my H, one of them with his BF 20 years ago. Like you, it was at a time where we were getting on extremely well and very loving, which paradoxically, is why I couldn't keep such ugly secrets to myself anymore. I felt like a fake and that he wasn't really able to fully love the REAL me (the ugly bits) if I was keeping so much secret. And also, that it was incredibly disrespectful to him to keep knowledge that impacted his life and choices from him. He had the right to know WHO he was loving and was committing his life to. And although we don't realise it, secrets do in fact come between us, and intimacy is always affected by withholding a part of ourselves away.

I so know what you are going through. I have never done anything harder in my life than I did when I took his hand (mine was shaking so bad) and ripped his life (or what he thought his life with me was) to absolute shreds. His reaction was to go numb and shut down completely. He couldn't talk for a few days, and I wish I could say I gave him space, but I was selfish and panicked and chased him around wanting him to engage. My advice (through my own experience) would be to answer everything he wants to know, and let him have space when he can't bear being around you. Coz those are the consequences of our betrayal.

Make sure you don't withhold information he needs and asks for. Some BS want it all, some not as much or as much as they can bear to hear. And this may change over time. Don't minimise and don't justify.

From one WW to another, I wish you the best in this and once again want to reiterate that it is the RIGHT thing to do, regardless of outcome. You owe it to yourself and your BH to be authentic and true. Only then will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror and start doing the hard work of the WHY'S.

Take Care.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
Macsecond
♀ 43972
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is no way to make it easier but it would be best if you could have a few days without the kids. Can they visit family?

No, not for several days. we might have to have the discussion in installments. I know it's not ideal, though.

The most important advice I can give you is to be completely honest no matter how hard it is or how much you fear the truth will hurt him give him the truth. He NEEDS it to heal. He will know in his gut if you are lying or minimizing so don't. Answer all of his questions. ALL of them, honestly. Do not blame him or the marriage. Own it all yourself. This is not the time to talk about problems in the marriage or unmet needs. Those will have to wait now.

Absolutely. And I"m prepared to do this. It's tempting to try to downplay things to make me look better, but I don't want to sugar-coat and want to give him all the information.

Most BSs say it isn't the A that kills the chance for R (reconciliation) it's the lies and trickle truths. Those hurt like a bitch, don't do that to him.

I won't.

Good luck.

Thank you so much!


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 amazing daughters (DD6 and DD2)
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC.
Working on R.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Macsecond
♀ 43972
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't delete anything because he may want to see it. Don't make decisions for him.

Crap. In my bid to go NC I deleted my account on that forum we communicated on which had all our correspondence. He's got nothing but my word.

Know what? I think there's a confession guide around here somewhere. Lemme see if I can find it and bump it for you.

Thank you. And thank you so much for your support. It's difficult to find that for WS's on the internet.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 amazing daughters (DD6 and DD2)
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC.
Working on R.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Macsecond
♀ 43972
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were you to hide the truth from him indefinitely, it would ruin any chance you have for real intimacy and authenticity in your relationship. Lying also messes up your brain. It literally changes it so that it can manage dealing with two separate realities. The one in which you are had an affair (yours) and the one in which you didn't (his).

Thank you. I need this. OM was trying to convince me to not tell BH and he is choosing to not tell his BW.

I want to move forward with a clean slate with BH, I just hope he wants to do the same (after he's processed my confession).


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 amazing daughters (DD6 and DD2)
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC.
Working on R.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Macsecond
♀ 43972
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like you, it was at a time where we were getting on extremely well and very loving, which paradoxically, is why I couldn't keep such ugly secrets to myself anymore. I felt like a fake and that he wasn't really able to fully love the REAL me (the ugly bits) if I was keeping so much secret. And also, that it was incredibly disrespectful to him to keep knowledge that impacted his life and choices from him. He had the right to know WHO he was loving and was committing his life to. And although we don't realise it, secrets do in fact come between us, and intimacy is always affected by withholding a part of ourselves away.

Thank you. That is the perfect way of describing why I feel like I need to let him know now, and I'll likely lead with that.

I so know what you are going through. I have never done anything harder in my life than I did when I took his hand (mine was shaking so bad) and ripped his life (or what he thought his life with me was) to absolute shreds. His reaction was to go numb and shut down completely. He couldn't talk for a few days, and I wish I could say I gave him space, but I was selfish and panicked and chased him around wanting him to engage. My advice (through my own experience) would be to answer everything he wants to know, and let him have space when he can't bear being around you. Coz those are the consequences of our betrayal.

Thank you for this too. I remember sometime last year I think my husband sitting down with me out of the blue one day and confessing to me that he had opportunity to cheat years ago when our marriage was rocky, but that he didn't. He had the choice but chose not to, but that he wanted me to know, he didn't want to keep that from me. I remember taking a day or so to process that, feeling really angry, having questions, feeling betrayed at that, and he didn't even cheat.

I anticipate it will be the same, and I'm prepared to give him all the space and time he needs. I know it's coming, and I know it will suck. I wish I could just skip ahead past that all, you know? That I could be assured a good ending and that we could just skip past all the hurt and ugliness and pain of being torn down and then rebuilding and get right to the good stuff again. That's my fantasy scenario, at least.

From one WW to another, I wish you the best in this and once again want to reiterate that it is the RIGHT thing to do, regardless of outcome. You owe it to yourself and your BH to be authentic and true. Only then will you be able to look at yourself in the mirror and start doing the hard work of the WHY'S.

Thank you. I appreciate it!


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 amazing daughters (DD6 and DD2)
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC.
Working on R.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
ophelia24
♀ 38438
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. That is the perfect way of describing why I feel like I need to let him know now, and I'll likely lead with that

You are welcome and glad to be able to share my experience with you. You are courageous.

I know it's coming, and I know it will suck. I wish I could just skip ahead past that all, you know? That I could be assured a good ending and that we could just skip past all the hurt and ugliness and pain of being torn down and then rebuilding and get right to the good stuff again. That's my fantasy scenario, at least.

As you know, there are no guarantees in life which is why it is a grown-up action to be willing to face the consequences of our behaviour. And facing, living with those consequences is the only way we learn. Which is why keeping this secret would probably end up with you eventually having a full on PA down the track, because you would never have had to experience the pain of what you are doing, or worked on why taking yourself outside the marriage is a go to coping mechanism.

I feel nervous for you because I so remember that feeling of just KNOWING what I had to do. And you can't get there until you get there IYKWIM. Keep in touch when you have the time and energy. PM me if you need to talk further.

Have courage and no matter what happens you WILL be Ok.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
ophelia24
♀ 38438
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry. Double post

[This message edited by ophelia24 at 9:04 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
lovemywife4ever
♂ 42834
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are doing the right thing to tell him. I would go back and a) not do what I did if I could go back and b) since I did, tell her. Be honest and answer questions and be ready for the emotions to soar. Be strong and there for him.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life

Posts: 291 | Registered: Mar 2014
knightsbff
♀ 36853
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just remembered something else. DON'T defend your AP. Don't say he was a good person who did a bad thing or anything like that. Even though you may see the guy as a broken human being who made terrible choices to your BH he is his mortal enemy. He will likely wish all sorts of grizzly and painful deaths on him. Don't argue.

Also, if your BH decides he wants to inform the other BS don't try to talk him out of it and don't don't DON'T warn your AP. That would be further treachery and betrayal to your BH and reality is the other BS deserves to known the state of HER M. It is your AP's consequence. Let your BH decide what to do. You have already taken too many choices away from him.

We are here behind you. Come here for encouragement, support and straight talk.

Strength.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1525 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Macsecond
♀ 43972
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THank you so much again, everyone. BH has noticed I've been really down and anxious the past two days (from me realizing more and more of what I need to do). He was so sweet, and asking me what's wrong. I just hugged him. I wanted one more moment of blissful ignorance, before everything blows open. i wish I could freeze the moment. I told him i'd like to tell him, but that we'd have to wait either til the kids are in bed or tomorrow since I"m so tired (didn't sleep at all last night).

I had earlier asked him what time he gets home from work and told him I could leave work early and meet him here. He thinks it's for sexy times. I hate to drop the hammer. He's curious. Asked if I was pregnant. I wish. No. He's curious but he'll wait til tomorrow.

Fuck.


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 amazing daughters (DD6 and DD2)
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC.
Working on R.

Posts: 263 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
ophelia24
♀ 38438
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know that feeling well of relishing that time of peace before the bomb was dropped on our lives. I remember looking at my H as he was watching a show we enjoyed together and him turning and smiling at me and feeling the agony of knowing I was about to blow our lives wide open. And knowing I wouldn't be seeing or feeling that tenderness for awhile, perhaps ever.

There is no getting around it, just through it.

You can do this. Hugs to you and your H.


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
Actionsoverwords
♂ 41949
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's nothing that I can say that has not been said already. What you are doing is courageous. Best of luck to you and your H.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 309 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Topic Posts: 18

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