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How could she do this to me? Wife has girlfriend.

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BSGuy24 posted 7/3/2014 22:55 PM

Like so many here; I'm totally lost, embarrassed and afraid.

My wife and I were acquaintances in college 8 years ago. After graduation we both went our separate ways and managed to end up in the same area 4 years later. We ran into each other randomly one evening when we were both out with friends. I asked her out and soon it became official. We dated for a year and a half and I then proposed. We were engaged for a year and a half and then married. That was about 14 months ago. I truly believe that she is/was the love of my life and I planned to be with her forever.

About 7 months after our wedding I noticed a change in her. We were on a New Years trip this past January and it was like a switch went off. I honestly thought that I did something wrong while we were gone. She immediately seemed upset, detached and uninterested in me. I distinctly remember asking her if I did something to make her upset. She said No.

In February she said that she wasn't happy and wanted to move. We were living in my parent's second house while we were paying off a lot to build a house and save money. I said that I understood and we moved within 3 weeks. We got an apartment and I thought that things were going much better. She generally seemed happier and I felt like we were on the right track.

I should mention that we rarely ever had sex. Our sex life was fair before we got married, but generally non existent after this New Year's trip. I thought that it was me (of course) and went to a doctor. As it turns out I have low testosterone and have begun treatment. I absolutely thought that I was to blame. I thought that because I had the issue we never had sex. I never considered the fact that a normal wife may at some point initiate sex. We may have possibly had sex 4 times this year. Maybe I was naive, but I thought this may be normal.

In May, I went on a business trip for a couple of days to a trade show. I came home on a Thursday evening and she told me some things that I was simply not ready to hear. She told me that she didn't think that she loved me anymore, she couldn't see herself having kids with me, she was confused and that she was only happy when I was away. I was devastated to say the least. I had worked very hard in the previous months to ready books and be the best husband that I could be. Looking back, it must not have been enough. I told her that I thought that we should go to counseling. She was open to the idea, but neither of us pursued it as I thought that things were getting better.

This passed Thursday night (A week ago) we were laying in bed and she asked me if I wanted to have sex. I thought "of course" so she turned over to send one more text or email or something and then said "well don't just stare at me and be awkward." I really felt insulted and started not to have sex. However, it had been so long I thought that I shouldn't miss the chance. We kissed for about 10 seconds and she said "There's just no passion!" I said, "What? From me?" She said, "No. From me. I just don't find you physically attractive. It's not your appearance, I just don't find you physically attractive." I had to leave at 5 the next morning for a couple day trip and my bags were already packed. I told her that, "I was going to my parents house for the night (it's there second house so they weren't there)." She was going out of town all of this week for work (she is a nanny and her work family was going on vacation. She was going with them. I told her that "I really hoped that she would think about what she wanted out of our relationship while she was gone. I told her that i was going to set up counseling for this coming week when she returned and I hoped that she would come with me. She didn't respond and I did in fact leave.

I did a lot of research last weekend on marriage and divorce and read many stories of folks with the same issues happening to them. The first question always was, "Is there someone else?" I honestly never considered it as I trusted my wife just like I think that a husband should. I had never ever snooped, because I just didn't think that there was a need. I too got suspicious and on Monday, while at my office I logged into her email account. She only has 2 passwords that I know of so the second time was the charm.

I immediately found emails in her inbox from an old friend. She is a girl that lives in NE, where my wife is from, and lives about 700 miles from us. My wife recently went to visit her for a weekend when she was in town with her family. I had asked a couple of questions when my wife returned, but never thought anything of it. Within 5 minutes I had found 5 more emails that had real sexual overtones. I won't go over them here, but they were flirty to the point of making me very worried. I did more digging and found an email in January that talked about my wife's New Year's trip and how glad she was to be talking again. One email in April mentioned a song in that reminded her of "when they broke up." At this point all of the red flags were flying and I was on high alert. I watched the emails come and go all day Tuesday until I finally saw my wife send her a picture of herself topless. I sought a counselor on Wednesday evening to prepare for my wife's return today. We decided that when she returned this evening it would be D-Day. A confrontation was bound to happen.

I took the second half of the day to myself today to prepare, gather my thoughts and try to remain calm. I was still digging in the email about an hour before she returned and I found even more new emails. I saw one from her friend that said "maybe we should have sex first to make sure that you're into it." My wife responded "I thought that we already did." At that point I knew and simply waited until she got home.

When she came in I was incredibly calm. I asked her to sit down. I told her that when we had left off it was very open ended and I wanted to see if she had thought about things. She said that she thought that we needed to go to counseling. I then asked/told her: "I don't want to make you mad, but is there anyone else?" She said quickly, No. I just stared at her. I told her that I just wanted to point out that I had given her every opportunity to tell me the truth and that I wanted to ask her again, Is there anyone else. She denied again. So I said "So tell me about, "XXXXX." I could see it in her face that we was blindsided. She said that they were just friends. Long story short. She admitted to it. Everything. She said that they had been girlfriends in high school (unbeknownst to me). I pressed her hard and she said that they kissed. I then told her that I wasn't asking her any questions that I didn't already know the answers to. I told her that I had seen everything. She said "well then you caught me. We had sex, okay?" She was angry (as I figured. She has a real temper). She said that she was sorry, but in a way that said (so what do you want me to do about it?) I didn't see the slightest bit of remorse. She said it was one time a month ago. The emails indicate that distance was the only thing stopping it from being more. In fact, she emailed the girl before she walked up the stairs to come inside.

So that's about it. I absolutely hammered her (in a calm, controlled non violent way) for about 15 minutes. She never saw it coming and quite frankly brought a knife to a gun fight. I negotiate for a living and had 4 days to prepare for the showdown. She simply admitted to everything, unconvincingly said she was sorry and that was it. She did answer all of my questions, but I honestly didn't need to know a whole lot more than I already did. I finally asked her if she wanted to be with this woman and her response was, "She lives in XXXX and I live here, so I guess that's not going to work." That was by far the most hurtful part of the conversation. I told her that I was heading to my family's house for the weekend (we have lots of holiday company coming in). I said that I was coming back to live in our apartment on Monday and I expected her to be gone Monday, Tues and Wed. I'm mentoring kids at a leadership conference Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sunday. I kind of left it at that.

I did tell her that if she wanted to stay married that she needed to cut off all communication with this woman, begin counseling and we could go from there. I didn't want to demand a divorce because it's so soon and I'm not sure that I'm thinking clearly. I'm destroyed on the inside. I gave this woman my entire life and only got stomped on. I've never ever been to a place so low. As I write this now I wonder what my future holds. I deserve better. I just never even remotely imagined my life without my wife. I have another appointment with the counselor on Monday to talk about how it went.

I'm really unsure whether to kick her out, file for Divorce or try to piece it together. I'm just so lost. I'm sure there will be many follow up questions and I will answer all of them that I can.

I'm simply looking for advice on how to proceed from here. Can anyone help?

ZedLeppelin posted 7/3/2014 23:19 PM

I finally asked her if she wanted to be with this woman and her response was, "She lives in XXXX and I live here, so I guess that's not going to work."
Nice response...Even if you forget the physical aspect for a moment, that comment right there is a dealbreaker for me.
I deserve better.
Correct. Continue to see your counsellor if you feel it helps you, but this relationship needs to be put down swiftly. Move on and enjoy your life.

WinterBranch posted 7/3/2014 23:20 PM

Breathe. Seriously. Drink water. Sleep. Eat what you can. Walk. I have been so blindsided. I don't know what will happen for you in the next few days, weeks, or months.

I have had the rug pulled from under me. I don't know what to say. Others will come. Know that I know what it feels like to be hit so hard, so suddenly, from your emotional, peripheral vision.

Hang on. I and others are here for you. I am so sorry for your pain. This happened to me.

Newme123 posted 7/3/2014 23:25 PM

So sorry you find yourself in this position no one wants to be in. It sucks big time. I don't have any advice but I wanted you to know you've been heard.

Chicky posted 7/3/2014 23:30 PM

Hi. So sorry for what you are going through.

I am wondering if this woman is the only same sex relationship from her past. It almost sounds like she married you because she was in denial about her sexuality. Since you knew each other from years ago, do you recall any other male relationships she had?

eta: to add - do NOT be embarassed. You have absolutely nothing to be embarassed about. If anyone should be it's her because her behavior is deplorable.

[This message edited by Chicky at 11:31 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 7/3/2014 23:36 PM

Hi BSGuy24. Very sorry you are here but welcome to SI. You are going to get hit with a lot of abbreviations here. You can find most of the abbreviations in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out here.

Also, you are going to want to read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to
detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

Before You Say Reconcile...

For the foggy, unremorseful, cake eaters:
20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I J F O

Please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with

Those should all help you in any decisions that you make going forward. A very painful story on your hands. Your WW is clearly not remorseful. She is in the affair fog and regrets that you just caught her. You handled that better than most I think. Well done. Now she's going to be in a fog and resentful for a while. Very few who are caught are remorseful at first. This come for many later.

You are also right in that it's probably not a good time to make any life changing decisions at the moment but you need to start to prepare yourself to make decisions. First off, does OW have a wife or significant other of some sort. If so, the other BS needs to be informed of the affair. This will help prevent the affair from going underground. What about informing other family or friends? The more eyes on your WW, the better so that again, it's harder to take the A underground. She was caught and most likely does not want to give up her AP.

Second, visit an attorney. This does not mean you need to file for e divorce. What you do need is to find out your rights. Start figuring out what your finances are going to look like if things go south.

Next, start drafting an NC letter with your WW. I believe the last 2 links above will help you with that.

That should keep you busy for a little bit until you decide what you want to do. Honestly though, be prepared that if your WW is into same sex partner's, this may be taken out of your hands quickly.

Keep reading. Keep posting.


BSGuy24 posted 7/3/2014 23:43 PM

Thanks to all of you for your responses. I sincerely appreciate it.

Chicky- This was the absolute first same sex encounter that I have known of. Obviously my wife and the OW have had a previous relationship. This is new news to me. When we were acquaintances in college she had one steady boyfriend. I had no knowledge of any prior history. I meant to ask her about others when we talked tonight, but it slipped by me. At this point, I'm honestly not sure if I even want to know.

I've bounced around 1,000,000 ideas on why she might have married me. Because she loved me? Because it was a cover up? Because we live in the south and it's proper to be married to a man? I have no clue. Probably not something that I'll ever get an answer to.

BSGuy24 posted 7/3/2014 23:55 PM

Hi YOP25. Thanks for your response. Some great information there. I have quite a bit of reading to do.

From what I can tell from the emails the OW does not have a steady relationship. I found mention of at least 3 other women. She probably has many more I would guess.

I do agree that my WW is still in the affair fog. I feel that she is only sorry that she got caught. My only question is how long do I wait to see when/if it wears off. I would hate to think that I rushed to divorce without ever knowing if she may come out of the fog and truly want to R.

I have seriously considered contacting the OW at some point to tell her how I feel. I want her to know that her relationship with my wife has ruined our lives together. In my typical style I would have it all planned and absolutely ambush her if she would listen, which she probably wouldn't. I think it may make me feel better. She probably already knows the damage that she caused and doesn't care. I'm honestly not mad at this woman. My wife is the one that was married. My wife is the cheater.

Tigaress posted 7/3/2014 23:58 PM

Hey - sorry that you have to go through this :-(
When I read what happened to you I was wondering whether your wife is bisexual or lesbian? The fact that you described that she didn't find you physically attractive might point to lesbian. If that's true, then she will never be the wife you'd like to have. Her sexual orientation is the way it is. I imagine you both might still be quite young and it has taken her a bit longer to figure herself out and you were the victim who got hurt in the process.
Wishing you a lot of strength!!!

yearsofpain25 posted 7/4/2014 00:06 AM

Right. Your WW is the problem. If you want to have some contact with the OW, you could have an NC call with your wife and the OW. Should be very brief and you probably shouldn't talk much if at all. Your WW could mention that you know all, but what's going to happen is that OW is going to think that you put her up to it and that she doesn't really mean NC. Then your wife needs to block OW from everything. FB, her phone, anything else she uses to communicate. Going NC after being caught is always difficult for a wayward. It's like taking heroin away from a junkie. Eventually they go looking for it again if they are not remorseful.

Next up, your WW is going to need some IC (independent counseling) to figure out why she did this to you. If she doesn't figure out her why, and I'm not talking about her excuses, I'm talking her why she is broken because in order to have an A, she is broken in some way. She doesn't get that fixed for herself it's almost guaranteed she will end up on the repeat offenders list.

The affair for and not having remorse differs for each wayward. Could be months, weeks, you just don't know. It's all what she's willing to do as far as her putting the work in. It's very hard to R because she is responsible for healing both you and herself. She has to want to put the work in. I'm a little worried in this case because of the same sex partner. That is something that someone is typically hard wired for.

It's mostly going to come down to what YOU are willing to put up with in order to move forward for R and then for her to put the work in.


Schadenfreude posted 7/4/2014 05:48 AM

First you have not devoted your entire life to her. Don't think you have.

Second, don't waste time and effort contacting OW. You can read scores of threads on that recurring topic here. She does not care abou how you feel and never will. You are an impediment to her happiness so she'll only derive satisfaction from your misery.

I am trying to determine if I am following in your footsteps so I will be following this thread with less than objective interest.
The advice above is objective base on your posting.

damaged71 posted 7/4/2014 06:27 AM


I know the first instinct of every man is to "protect the fort" and hold what you have together. I get that.

What we usually don't do is evaluate the current situation honestly and evaluating if it's worth protecting.

You have been married 14 months and your wife is completely disrespectful and contemptuous about what she has done.

You should still be in the honeymoon phase, not dealing with this. I'm all for saving a marriage but you need to think about what this looks like 20 years from now.

Take back your life.

stronger08 posted 7/4/2014 06:57 AM

This is just my humble opinion, but I think your WW is extremely confused about her sexuality. That did not give her a free pass to cheat as sexuality has nothing to do with doing the right thing. Look at your brief yet dysfunctional M. Sex 4 times in 7 months during the honeymoon stage ? This is a time when you guys should be screwing 4 times a day my man. Combine that with the fact she was previously in a same sex relationship with this woman prior to you meeting her. A relationship she omitted I might add, this stinks of sexual conflict. Again in my humble opinion, you cant win in this situation. My advice would be for you to bail before this gets any harder for the both of you. She really needs some alone time to do some serious thinking, come to terms with who she is and move forward accordingly. And its not fair to you to stand around while she makes up her mind about who and what she is. As I said earlier none of this gives her an excuse to cheat, she also has that caveat to deal with. Personally I would go while the going is good.

In my youth I had a year long relationship with a woman who at the time claimed to be a Bisexual. But in the end she decided that she was gay and we broke up amicably. The only reason this was amicable was because she was very honest with me both before and after her revelation. There were no secrets, lies or surprises in the demise of our relationship. While I naturally took an ego hit when she dumped me, I took comfort in the fact that I had nothing to do with what happened. She was who she was and people are born with preferences that are beyond their control. I cite this as my main reason for you to exit your M. People cant help who they are, but they can make sound decisions that don't hurt others. Your WW is not only confused about who she is sexually, she also is a selfish cheat who is not remorseful to begin with. Her callous answers to your questions signals that loud and clear. Your a young guy with no real attachments. No house, assets, children etc. I suggest you go before your faced with the same scenario down the road. Only that time there will be more collateral to be damaged such as children. Good luck bro and keep posting.

Schadenfreude posted 7/4/2014 07:02 AM

Damaged hit the nail on the head. Dont win the battle now only to lose the war later. You need to carefully consider whether you want to fight for her return. Or prepare for separation and D.

Double difficulty. Lying cheater in marriage very early on. Concern about gender identity

I wasted time pursuing a gal without success who eventually came out as lesbian. That's just who she was and she never led me on. I just liked being with her. But any "contact" was way too one sided for things to be right.

Your W has to determine who she is before she can even think whether to go or stay. It's not a matter of persuasion or negotation

Splitter posted 7/4/2014 07:18 AM

Hard times, BSGuy24. I'm just two weeks into discovery/breakup myself. Reading and posting here is helping me stay sane.
It sounds like your wife is in turmoil about her sexual preference, maybe she comes from a place of non-acceptance, I don't know. This, in it's self, is ok, but the way she is dealing with it is, well, an indicator that you might not be with the person you thought you were with, IMO.

When my ex began her affair, she also began a program of negativity towards me, especially at times just after she'd banged her guy. She was trying to defend her position as a cheat by convincing herself I was lowly, or some such thing. Sounds like your wife is doing something similar. Remember that they really want it to be our faults. This is their defense against feelings of guilt or remorse.

For me, an unwillingness to volintarily confess, and give full disclosure, were deal breakers. I simply don't want to spend my life with someone that I can't trust, no matter how much I might love them, otherwise.

Sounds like you are in a misguided marriage. If you want to be with someone trustworthy, and she wants to be with a woman, then not sure what you have to offer one another, except friendship, which might have to wait till the dust has settled.

Another thing I'd like to add is that it is painfully difficult to come on to a woman that isn't into you, or so I find. So when she accuses you of being awkward, she's probably right! Just try not to carry that one around - something I'm grappling with myself. Next time I'm going to look for someone who makes me feel good about being flirtatious, not ashamed.

Best of luck

[This message edited by Splitter at 7:37 AM, July 4th (Friday)]

Howie posted 7/4/2014 07:40 AM

Lots of good advice above. Let me give you a mere vote. Only you can decide since only you apprehend the complexity of the situation, and your heart. To me, your wife isn't confused but hard, selfish and uncaring; it not her sexual ambiguities--there are lots of happy couples where one is kinda bi-it is her character. Get out now -not ten years from now.

Bigger posted 7/4/2014 09:27 AM

There are two key issues here IMHO.
Do you want to reconcile?
Do you have the option to reconcile?

Frankly then the answer to both isn’t really clear.
This early into a marriage, no major financial commitment, no kids… You should really consider cutting your losses. Your situation right now is comparable to being a couple of hundred yards from the start-line of a marathon only to discover you are dragging an anvil chained to your foot. Yes – you could still make it but maybe… just maybe the sensible thing would be to pull out of the race.

Then there is the question whether you have the option to reconcile.
It’s not enough that you want it. You also have to be capable of it.
Same with your wife. She just might want to R but if she’s a lesbian… she isn’t capable.

The first thing that needs to be sorted out is her sexuality. That is – IF you want to reconcile. If you want to D then her sexuality is irrelevant.
What is your background? How is same-sex viewed in your church, environment, within your families, your upbringing? Would your wife have a problem coming out? Is she in an environment where she would try to hide being lesbian for fear of shame or being ostracized?

Keep in mind that being bi-sexual isn’t really an “excuse” for cheating. Being bi is IMHO like being into brunettes and blondes but sacrificing the former because your wife is blond. But if your wife is a lesbian [Well – it doesn’t excuse an affair but….] there really is no way she will ever be anything but a lesbian. She might be able to subdue it but… For a moment imagine being in a homosexual relationship without being a homosexual… Even imagine it’s your best friend – someone you really like and get along with. Then imagine your wife being in a heterosexual relationship without being heterosexual… even with a swell guy like you.

So NC with the OW and all that… useless until and unless your WW can confirm her sexuality. And she has to do so in a way that is not cohered or forced. She has to be totally honest.

IMHO I would offer your wife the time (2-3 days) to think on her sexuality. Enter that conversation with an open mind. Make it clear that IF she realizes she’s gay then you two will find a way to terminate the marriage amicably. But make it clear that any decision to stay in the marriage will require total dedication.

Tigaress posted 7/4/2014 09:35 AM

That is incredibly well put and I think you're 100% right!

damaged71 posted 7/4/2014 11:59 AM

Something to add. I had 19 years of perfect bliss before my marriage went off the rails. Even with the 19 years in the "bank" it was almost too much to get past. I thought of divorce a lot. We have a child and I stayed for him initially. If it wasn't for him we would have parted ways.

Your account balance is zero. You don't have the good times to fondly remember. You just have marriage/no sex/betrayal.

I didn't want to be blunt before but I feel I must.

Walk away. You got dealt a bad hand. Putting more money in the pot won't improve your hand it will just make the loss you will ultimately experience hurt even worse.

View what she did as a gift. She showed you now who she is instead of waiting 20 years.

BSGuy24 posted 7/4/2014 16:27 PM

Thanks again for all of the amazing responses. I still feel like Hell, but at least I know that I'm not the only one.

It sounds like your wife is in turmoil about her sexual preference, maybe she comes from a place of non-acceptance, I don't know. This, in it's self, is ok, but the way she is dealing with it is, well, an indicator that you might not be with the person you thought you were with, IMO.

I definitely agree that she is in fact in a state of confusion regarding her sexual preference. I actually just dropped a few things off with my MIL for my wife to come get. I had a brief conversation with her about the situation. My MIL is a wonderful woman that I love very much.

Apparently my wife spilled most of the story to her mother and sister last night after I left. My MIL told me that they (my wife and OW) were together as seniors in high school. She said that she was never happy about it, but thought that it was a phase and just let it go. Since high school my W has only dated men so she thought that it was over.

My MIL begged me to go to MC with my wife. She said that she knows that we can make it. She said that my W admitted to them that she made a mistake and felt guilty about it as soon as it was over (you think?!). I offered nearly nothing of substance and did more listening than anything else. My FIL cheated on my MIL many times when my wife was growing up and they just officially got a divorce about 8 months ago after 30+ years. My W grew up with basically no father, and although I think it may play into her being confused, it certainly doesn't make what she did right.

I told my MIL that my wife needed to figure out what is going on with her sexuality before we ever decide to go to MC. If my wife is in fact a lesbian then there's nothing further that I can do. My MIL said that they also advised my W to cut all contact with the OW immediately. I told her that I did the same, but she didn't seem very willing.

I hate it for my MIL as much as I hate it for myself. I'm very close to her family, which I love, but I'm just not sure that this thing is savable.

I'm trying to plot my next course of action. I could see my wife again at any time, but I'm not sure that I want to or what I would say even if I did. Does anyone have any advice? I love my wife, but I feel like that if she doesn't have a real epiphany in the next 48 hours there's no hope.

Please help me.

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