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What does daily life look like around 1yr?

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sunvalley posted 7/4/2014 00:49 AM

Just approaching the 1yr mark and I'm curious what daily life looks like around 1yr for others, from those who are past or at this point. Thinking about the As daily? Fighting about the As daily? Talking about the As daily? Talking about the impact of the As daily but not the details anymore? Journaling? Emotional daily? Close physically and emotionally with the WS? Putting up walls? I know everyone is different, but I'm just curious what people feel their day to day life is like approaching or just around the 1yr anniversary.

For me personally it's a hard time of year. It's my favorite season, and yet I have so much sadness knowing all the details of the A that was going on this time last year as well as some of the other ones seemed to be this time of year also.

I feel like I'm slowly moving out of the anger stage, or at least learning to control my anger better, but I still feel I'm obsessing over the As. Not the details, not the OW, just the fact that they happened, the fact that WH did this for so long and never stopped himself and the fact that this has changed my life and ME so much. I was feeling resentful for a while, but now it's less resent and more discouraged that we'll ever be able to heal as a couple from this. I have put up walls for sure, after HB we seem to be moving further and further apart however I feel I am able to share my emotions with him better.

He is doing everything he can, but I can see that my constant focus on the past is wearing on him as he obviously wants to focus on the present (he's patient with me, but I suffer PTSD and do tend to obsess and seemingly prevent myself from being truly happy). I feel like MC and he want me to move forward, and I get that because I already feel the As have destroyed so much valuable/precious time in our lives. It's just so hard right now to look at him and not see this world of hurt he has caused and the life altering damage he has done to not just our relationship, but some family/friend ones as well.

Coming up to Dday anti-versary in 3wks...hoping it's a mild one.

FixYou71 posted 7/4/2014 01:39 AM

Just over a year barely. Still think about it most of the time. Still cry. Still trigger. Still have self esteem issues out the wazoo. Still write a lot of emails to H describing my lain and thoughts/what I'm experiencing. Just nkw starting to feel anger. Before this it's only been deep sadness and or numbness and or major anxiety. The major anxiety has toned down quite a bit but inly after going on antidepressants. I was having terrible chest pain and flopping, pounding heart along with hours at a time of severe anxiousness.
I dont like that your MC is saying you shoukd move forward. I guess I'd need to know what exactly he or she means by that but one year is nothing. We've got a lot more healing ahead of us and that doesnt jive with everything I've read in here for months. Noone can be expected to mourn, regain trust and move in in mere months after such a hugely traumatic betrayal. That irks me.
I do feel that I wish progress was faster because I so want to just relax and love and enjoy our relationship but the aftermath still robs me of that quite often though it has gotten better. A few months ago it was daily. Now it's weekly or even less that it majorly affects plans we've made or derails an entire day.
LIke you, I still am very stuck at reconciling how it could have happened. That part I still can't get over. Maybe I never will. That is on my mind every single day. Hard to feel safe with those thoughts in your head huh?
If there's anything else specific you're curious about just ask. I probably missed something. :)

lilflower1000 posted 7/4/2014 02:10 AM

Well, for me after I hit the 1yr mark the roller coaster continued. I still thought about the affair several times a day and it was still pretty painful, but not nearly as painful as it was during year1. I became exhausted during year 2. I often felt very apathetic. I was sick of dealing with it. Sick of feeling like it defined us. I almost felt like giving up completely on the marriage. My husband was PERFECT in every way during this time. He always comforted me, he was transparent in every way, he would even come to me when he could tell I was triggering and ask me what he could do to help just because he could tell I was thinking about it. The bad days were not nearly as painful as he bad days during year 1. The PTSD eased up, but did not completely go away until just recently. We are nearing 2 yr anniversary on August 1.

As you hit the one year mark, the major drama of it all is over ( assuming all is going well), but much of the pain is still there. You feel like you just want your normal life back, but you need to find a new normal. There is no more HB and for me that was scary. My f'd up head would ask me, "Now that the excitement of HB is gone will he go elsewhere to find a new thrill?"

I began to feel lost. Where do I focus? The kids needed extra attention due to the hit they took from all of this, I had neglected things from work due to the situation, I had a new workout, hair and nails schedule to keep up with, new social life that I had neglected for years prior to Dday, not to mention the work of checking behind and monitoring WH to be sure he was not seeing OW AND on top of all that I had to do the work involved in fixing our relationship and me. I was exhausted. I decided to try to put everything on him and I told him so. I stopped monitoring him somewhere shortly after 1 year mark and I told him it was all on him. I told him I was exhausted this point it is his job to make me feel better and fix this mess. I WOULD find out if he screwed up again and at that point we would be through.He agreed to put in all the effort and is still doing a great job with this.

Good luck to you. Congrats on getting to this point. This next year will be tough, but the pain of year one is over and as long as he is working with you to fix this, hopefully you will start to feel some relief from your PTSD soon. Sunvalley, please be sure to continue taking care of you at this point. Don't stop the things you did for you during 180 as you move into cleaning up the collateral damage from this hell.

Side note.. I feel that you need to move through this. There is no time limit. I feel that for me thinking about it when I needed to helped me with the PTSD. It has just become part of my reality now. I still think about about it,but without the panic. If you don't move through the pain now it will probably sneak up on you in the future. You need to move forward on your timetable. I am not a therapist, but that is what has worked for me. I am finally beginning to find an inner piece that I have not felt since pre- Dday. (((Sunvalley)))

AML04 posted 7/4/2014 10:20 AM

I'm a year & 2 mos out. Still think about it every day but the sharp pain/ache has dulled. I still have anger but not rage. I'm having a really hard time with acceptance. This happened and it is part of our life now.

I've been mulling over a post for a few days now but my thoughts are such a jumbled mess, I don't know where to start. I thought I would be feeling more secure by now.

sunvalley posted 7/4/2014 11:00 AM

Thank you all for your responses. I definitely feel like I've come a long way in some aspects (focus on OW, rage, questioning details constantly, etc) but it still feels like there is so much pain to process at 1yr also. MC has the goal of wanting the M to succeed and so she encourages me to focus on the good things in my life currently, which I understand but she also has been quite hard on him and told him I need to grieve as well, she's not blowing that part of the process off she just wants to see me have enjoyment in my current life too.

hopefull77 posted 7/4/2014 14:44 PM

First year....shock and awe....year 2 week it will be 20 months....I look back and see big progress...communication and the re-connection is better than ever...our spiritual growth...HUGE...we know God is with us on this journey ....
Yet the sadness hits me hard sometimes...I still think of the A and there are times I look at him NOW and can't believe he WAS THAT GUY....
hard work and knowing that this is a 2-5 year road keeps us both feet in...forward motion

I wish you peace

emotionalgirl posted 7/5/2014 13:34 PM

1st year anniviversary of DD is coming up, but the actual A started in May a year ago and life is quiet for us, my WH is truly the man I married and is working hard every day to be caring and loving and make our marriage strong. It is strange but sometimes it is like the A never happened if you look at us as a couple. It is never far from my mind though, especially at this time of year.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 7/5/2014 16:20 PM

I'm one year out from full disclosure almost to the day. I can honestly say that there hasn't been a day where I did not think of the A. The pain is still very raw. My H is doing the work but that doesn't lessen the pain. I can say that I look at life a lot differently. I have taken control back of what I can control. I have cut out all of the negative people in our lives including the ILs. I have no patience anymore and will not tolerate anything outside of what I deem acceptable. My focus now is on me and my kids. It's never been on me ever. I'm done sacrificing for H and his side of the family. Done. Never again will my H or his side of the family come before me and my kids.

[This message edited by SoAngryAndHurt at 4:22 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]

lilflower1000 posted 7/6/2014 14:07 PM

Never again will my H or his side of the family come before me and my kids.

Amen! I am right with you! As I near year 2 anniversary of dday, I also still think of it daily, but the pain is less so hang in there. I still have days where it affects me, but not nearly as many bad days and it seems to affect me differently. Now it's more like I am just pissed that he did this. Like I just don't like him because of what he did. Not so much hurt or jealousy.

I have also stopped letting my MIL upset me. She is no longer part of our life at all. She is truly evil and may very well be the root of many of WS's issues.

Overall it has definitely changed my outlook on EVERYTHING. Continue to take care of yourself.

sunvalley posted 7/7/2014 10:42 AM

definitely relate to the ILs issues as well. My MIL was the mother I never had, now shes' the mother I wish I never had! I have cut his family out of my life, while keeping the grace to encourage his relationship with them. It has worked so far, I realize something has to give long term, but I will never allow them 'in' the way I did before. Their accusations of me causing the As was the nail in our relationship coffin.

Thanks for all the wonderful responses. I have made the decision to end our current MC (round 3, sigh). I was feeling shame and guilt for not handling this properly - each time I left there, I was made to feel like I was stuck and not moving forward. I think I have come miles from where I was and made huge changes, so does WH, but our sessions leave us angry and bitter (mostly me because I am shamed into feeling like I'm not doing what I should be). I told her how am I supposed to grieve and move forward at the same time, and she said 'you can't' so clearly she isn't meant for me right now, she will continue to see WH alone though as she is an addictions expert and I feel she would help him more than she can help the M.

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