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Independence Day!!

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HighlandPaddy posted 7/4/2014 07:27 AM

After less than 12 hrs of me initiating the 180, she packed herself a bag this morning and walked out.

The kid me would've chased her down, but I just let her go. Even now I'm holding back from going after her. If she wants to leave, that's on her.

Last night was the 2 year anniversary of my fathers passing. My mother had asked us over, so we all went. At the time my wife was trying to be there for me. I was already in 180 mode but allowed her to come for my mothers sake.

After that she asked to stop by her families I obliged.

When we got there the wine was flowing and she jumped right in. I left soon after and said I was not up for this.

She never came home until 6am

And then I broke my 180 cause my wife had stayed out all night and her response was to throw my 2 year old affair in my face and said that I caused all this. She sat outside I talked her into coming back in.
Then she packed a bag and walked off...

I'm sad and relieved all at the same time...don't know what to tell my son when he wakes and asks for his mom...

karmahappens posted 7/4/2014 07:42 AM

Happy July 4th HP

It seems to me you and your wife have been rug-sweeping her one night stands and your emotional affair...from the start of your marriage.

If you love her and really want to save this, let her go.

She needs to want to fix herself. She is going to need to dig deep into her baggage and start finding the little broken pieces and addressing them.

It isn't easy and she may not be up for the task.

I am sorry she is throwing your A in your face, but she needs to deflect any responsibility from her so she isn't in the "wrong".

Be open with your son, be honest, answer questions and be there for him. He is 16 and probably knows a lot of what has gone on....they are surprisingly smart.

Take care of you, don't cave. Keep doing the 180.

See an attorney, know your rights, lock-down any funds so she can't walk away with them and take care of you.

IF she comes crawling back think long and hard here. If you ever want to get this marriage on the right track you guys need some serious help.

Digging out from an affair is tough, digging out from multiple affairs is even harder...but you can do it.

She needs to get it and right now she doesn't.

I would get myself into IC and start's the only way through this, R or D.


simplydevastated posted 7/4/2014 07:46 AM

Maybe I'm not in the best place mentally to give advice.

I don't know your full story, but from the posts I have read it sounds like she's not the least bit remorseful. You and your son will be better off. It may be difficult in the beginning, but you'll make it.

Sending strength and (((Hugs)))

I'm sorry for the loss of your father

HighlandPaddy posted 7/4/2014 08:13 AM

Just got verbally attacked because I didn't go chasing after her...said I was so cruel for leaving her. Said she was considering suicide but only changed her mind because she didn't want to leave our son with me.

(Did I mention she is blind drunk?)

So then she texts and begs me to pick her up so she can leave propelrly.

I do so, she screams and yells and cries the whole way home. All I said was ok, and nodded.

I dropped her at home then had to leave to pick up our son at the gym.

In between her dramatics I woke our son up, got him breakfast, and got him to practice.
I will do my best to insulate him from her madness...

yearsofpain25 posted 7/4/2014 08:14 AM

Hi Highland Paddy. I've been following your posts. I must say I am proud of you. I know it has to be really hard on you to do the opposite of what your instincts are telling your to do. Keep up the 180.

Your WW is out of her mind. She is going to do everything in her power to maintains status quo with the "everything is all your fault" and take zero responsibility for her actions. I'm pissed off for you HP. Your WW is as unremorseful as they come. In fact, has she ever developed the adult human emotion of empathy? She sounds like she's a teenager with some of that shit.

I feel for you HP. You are doing the right thing. I've been saying this a lot this morning, but stay the course.

Also, very sorry about the loss of your father. It sucks to have a trigger day over the death of a loved one and have to put up with her teenage antics at the same time. You have my empathy brother.


Badhurt posted 7/4/2014 08:16 AM

And where did she go until 6AM. To bang some other man??? And you were supposed to chase her there??

You need to get rid of her like the plague. She is not committing suicide. All you are asking for is not to be in an open marriage of her choosing and she is refusing.

This is as simple as it gets. She can do whatever she wants, but you do not have to accept it.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/4/2014 08:17 AM

Cross posting with you.

Yep. She's flipped her shit and her true colors are flying. I don't care how drunk she is, she's showing you her true colors. The more power YOU have, the more she's going to come unraveled.

Stay the course!! Whether you realize it or not, you're doing well.

Above all else, take care of that boy of yours.


ETA - reading back, the suicide thing has me all fired up. I've had that card held over my head more times than I can count. From someone who's has been suicidal themselves and I have dealt with a lot of suicide in my family, my brother didn't make it, she's full of shit. You know she is.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:20 AM, July 4th (Friday)]

HighlandPaddy posted 7/4/2014 09:10 AM

I was just thinking this is like dealing with a deranged teenager...I'm being told now that my cruelty is to much to bear...she is fighting this battle and feels that she is losing....WHAT????!!!

Badhurt posted 7/4/2014 09:12 AM


Where was she and who was she with until 6AM. If she was banging some other guy there is no need to do any more posting that involves trying to reason with her. You want to live with someone who will go fuck some other guy every time she gets pissed at you.

I don't think so.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/4/2014 09:20 AM

Petulance does not serve her well and that's exactly what she's being. Tell her to go look it up. Scratch that. Don't say anything at all to her. Continue to do the 180 and detach. She's hating the 180 because it's having an adverse impact on her control over you so don't stop.

There's an old bartender trick that I sometimes would employ with someone who was irate or looking for a fight which she most surely is. Remain calm, and let them exhaust themselves as much as possible. Let them rant and rave. Let her keep it up for as long as she wants. And when you have to speak to her...use a quiet soft calm voice. She will have to strain to hear you if she's ranting and raving looking for a fight. If she has to strain to hear you (you will want to use a firm voice) she will naturally start to calm down
and she has to come down to your level. You can use this trick in the future if she starts arguments with you, but only if you have to talk to her. Otherwise, 180!

She's out of her mind. IMO, she's going to get worse before this gets better.


HighlandPaddy posted 7/4/2014 09:36 AM

I think she finally passed out.

She was with her family all night...that much I confirmed, but she was also texting with her OM until 1am...

norabird posted 7/4/2014 09:49 AM

HP, next time don't try to get her back in the house. She is manipulating you with all she has--doing everything she can to keep the power.

If she wants to leave, let her and good riddance. But she doesn't even really seem to want to leave, she just wants to make sure she can act out as much as she wants and then play the victim card in order to escape any consequences and keep you at her disposal. This is a terrible cycle and I hope you see that it's not sustainable. You have to cut off your part of the game and stop responding. She pushes your buttons but you can choose not to react when she does. It's all an act, please see that.

HighlandPaddy posted 7/4/2014 10:36 AM

I do see that, now. My eyes are wide open for the first time. I'm scared as fuck, and feels like I have nowhere to turn to except right here...

My best friends are her brothers. All our friends are intertwined. So not only losing my wife, I'm losing my life.
Just scared and alone at the moment....but also a sense of relief.

What now?

Badhurt posted 7/4/2014 10:39 AM

Then heal yourself by doing some things to get some new friends.

The fact she was texting him till 1AM last night tells you all you need to know.

She is making it real easy for you although you do not feel like it. There are plenty of guys on here that are having to be in Sherlock Holmes mode 24/7 because their WW are sneaking and using all sorts of social media to deceive them.

You have more facts than a lot. be thnkful for that

norabird posted 7/4/2014 10:55 AM

It IS scary. But it is also an opportunity. Starting over is terrifying...but it's exciting too. You get to create a new life. What do you want it to look like? The vertigo can be overwhelming, but there are a lot of wonderful chances to reclaim yourself and build up something wonderful after the dust settles. That's still a,long way off, but it's very real. Every once in awhile, let your imagination free to picture a new life with new friends and interests filling it. You will be surprised at who you can become. Right now of course you have a lot of awfulness to deal with but it won't be that way forever.

simplydevastated posted 7/4/2014 11:28 AM

You're doing the best you can right now. Take care of yourself and your son. You're not losing your life. You'll make new, healthy relationships and you and your son will thrive.

If she wants to wallow in her own self pity at the bottom of a bottle, that's her business. Let her family deal that.

Find your footing and run like hell.

Let this Independence Day stand for a lot more than our nation's birthday. Let it stand for the day that you and your son claim your freedom from a toxic person.

You can do this.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 11:29 AM, July 4th (Friday)]

HighlandPaddy posted 7/4/2014 11:36 AM

I know what is happening right now needs to happen. I'm gearing myself and preparing for things to get worse.
But I will deal. I will be ok.
And thanks for listening and being supportive.
Today I will celebrate my Independence Day!

ButterflyGirl posted 7/4/2014 13:36 PM

Wow, it is an Independence Day for you

I would say your wife has been VERY needy of your attention. And if you keep detaching, you will see how much your son has been affected by this.

Her behaviors are just atrocious, especially in front of a 16-year-old. Are you ready to step up to the plate for your son? Are you figuring out how to be a single dad?

You can't keep lying to him. You need to TEACH HIM and SHOW HIM what is appropriate behavior and what is not.

All that energy that you've been using on your wife? Funnel it into your son. He needs you..

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 13:44 PM

Histrionic - remember what you read. You can't get through to her. SHE is the universe, and you are all accessories in her play.

I still think you need to tell her, unemotionally, that the relationship with OM is over, now. I would also add that this time when she left, you didn't chase her. The next time, she's not coming back. Let her know you have watched her manipulation and games for 2 decades, and it's not cute, endearing or 'just her' anymore. You are done. Either she makes serious changes, or she is divorced.

It's so hard, I know. But she won't stop. This is all she knows. Until she faces real loss (consequence) she has no real reason to change, so it's all just 'okokok', until the next time.

Her parents clearly never stopped her, and just gave in. And you've done the same since you met her - not blaming, just noting - and there is no way, ever, that she will change unless she stands to actually lose something, which from the sounds of it, has never happened in her entire life.

Good luck. I know someone like her, and it's a nightmare, it truly is. Once you stop trying to 'make it work' and start actually looking at the person, it's amazing how truly ugly they are on the inside - selfish, demanding, unaccepting, and selfish - so selfish.

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