So it appears that WS and I are going ahead and selling the house. We've been living separately since May (DDays were in February) while I figure out if I want to reconcile. Things have not been going well lately.
WS has been living in a variety of short term rentals since May and wants some permanency (which I understand). Hence his desire to sell the house now. I wanted to wait until the fall to sell, as the market's a bit better, and it would give us more time to decide whether selling the house is the right move for us.
Ugh. Really I'm hurt as hell that WS's pushing to sell the house. Since finding out about the A's, WS has been clear about his desire to reconcile. He says the push to sell the house isn't about not loving me or not wanting to be with me. It's about the amount of time it's going to take to put us in a position where we'll know it possible that it will work. He wants some stability until that happens, and it isn't likely to happen in the next month or two.
While I can see his point, and I'd like to believe that, my gut says bullshit. I don't think he's cheating at the moment, but part of me thinks selling now is about not wanting to do whatever hard work it would take to resolve our issues. WS is extremely conflict-avoidant, and really can't deal with anger at all. Needless to say, since finding out about his two affairs, there's been some anger and conflict. The other part of me says if he really wanted to reconcile he would FIGHT for us, and if this means living in a rental for an undefined period of time while we work through stuff, then that's what he'd do. It feels like he's not prepared to fight for us, and in light of that, I don't see a future for us.
Part of me is so sad about losing the house. I loved it, and I'm really the person in the relationship that took care of it, and made it the lovely little house it currently is. To leave it is devastating, but I can't afford to buy him out, so staying is not an option. And I'm sad because I'm certain the sale of the house means the end of the relationship, which may turn out to be a good thing for me, but at the moment, brings on the grief, sadness and tears.
Really, on days like today, I'd just like this all to be over. I'd like to be knocked out for two years, and wake up completely healed. Of course, I'd settle for a time machine :)