So, I am trying to R with a man who has lied to me so much I don't feel I can believe a word he says, and who has engaged in activities and said things that, frankly, has made me lose all respect for him.
Now, I understand that in order to begin rebuilding our intimacy and just generally our relationship, we need to be able to connect again, in all ways, mentally, emotionally, physically. This scares me a great deal, as my most recent d-day is only 2 months ago. I am not even ready to have him sleep in the same bed as me, much less engage in any form of sexual intimacy. Sometimes I can't look him straight in the eye without starting to cry.
So, I ran across an activity that I thought was interesting. It was based on a woman whose husband had died, and her discussion of the simple things she missed about having him around. It said to imagine your spouse was gone, and to picture yourself a year later, after your emotions had died down a bit, what small simple things would you miss the most, what things would make you feel the most alone? Then it suggested that you start by initiating these simple things, because these are the things you need, and it is easier to initiate something when you are fulfilling your needs (not just actions you THINK you are supposed to be doing.....I struggle with this, condemning myself for things I think I should be doing, but cannot bring myself to do.)
In a way I felt like this was a good transition from the 180, as I am still somewhat focusing on myself and my needs yet beginning to reach out to WH. So here were some of mine...
-Holding hands when we were driving somewhere
-Laying on the couch together at night watching t.v.
-Sitting together at our kids events
-picking up the phone and texting him when I am excited because of good news, or sad because of bad
-having coffee together in the morning and talking about our plans for the day
-Sitting on the back porch with a drink admiring the sunset
etc, etc, there are more, but you get the idea. So I have decided that these are the things that I will initiate, because these are my simplest needs, and thats a good place to start.
So last night, when we went out for pizza, I reached over and held his hand. I still couldn't look at him, but I looked out the window and held his hand. It still felt pretty good.
So, fellow SI'ers, I can't help but be curious, what are the simple things you would miss most? Maybe we can develop a really good list together......
That is what I miss the most now.
Many of the things on your list too.
Sharing when something makes you happy.
Admiring a home project that is completed, together.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
- laughing together as my toddler son insists on riding his father around the room like a horse;
- cooking together in the evening and chatting about the day gone by;
- laughing together when we see our son doing crazy things;
- the absent-minded stroking of my hair as we watch a film;
- lying in bed on weekend with the chaos of kids' toys, books and planning our day.
The sad thing though is that a lot of that went on during the A so I find it hard to feel it means as much as to me as it used to....
Like MJane though, that stayed consistent through his A, so I'm a little torn on that one.
What would I miss :
*Him covering me up in middle of night
*Bringing me coffee in the morning
*Coffee with me after dinner
*Laughing with him as we talk about our four footed fur babies
*Campfire talks as the sun goes down
*Sleeping on his shoulder when I am scared
*Breathing in his breath when I am feeling lonely
*Watching him mow
*Riding with him anywhere and holding hands
*Having him wash my back
*Watching him build or fix something for me
*How he gets me, without explanation
*How excited he gets when he has done something well
*The way he wakes in the night and needs to touch me
*How he knows to call me during the day
*Video calls to let me see him during the day
*How he can't wait to share something good with me
*His upbeat nature
.......dang good post. Well done you!!!!
1)The way he calls my name
2)How thoughtful he is...always making sure I'm taken care of
3)Him filling my gas tank before a long road trip without him
4)Planning trips & vacations for our family
5)Always making sure we have fun together
6)Experiencing new things with him (food/restaurants/getaways/feelings)
7)Bonding in true intimacy with him in all aspects
8)His texts and him saying "I miss you" and "I love you" & genuinely mean it!
9)How he treats our children (the way he talks to them so sweetly & spoils them)
10)How much our kids love him dearly and would miss him when he is away
11)How he showers and surprises me with expensive gifts
12)How he plans my birthday party to have all my friends meet in Vegas
13)How he cares and help others in need
14)How he takes good care of me when I'm sick
15)His laughter and jokes
16)Watching our favorite shows together
17)How he value education & makes it a priority for our kids
18)How he works so hard to provide for our family
19)How he always want the finer things in life for me/us/the kids
20)His inspiration in life
21)Him feeling remorseful and saying he has learned his lesson & never do it again
22)How much I feel for him and love him
23)All the old memories/laughter shared/good times/friends we have made over the 23 yrs I've know him
Despite his downfall, he has become a better man/husband/father and vowed to make it up to me for the rest of my life. We are building a dream marriage and compassionate companionship that I can only hope will last forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After sinking to a Dark place I didnt know what to do.
Constant questioning and arguing getting no where fast.
I wrote a list it made me smile and remind me there was sownthibg worth fighting for.
My wh loved the list I presented him with, it made him smile.
After feeling worthless and like he had nothing to live for it gave him hope.
Things have been better, so thank you .
1. The way he gets up early to make me coffee every morning (even on weekends).
2. That he works his butt off to cut firewood and keep our wood box full in the winter just because I like the warmth of a wood fire even though we have CH&A.
3. That he tills my vegetable garden every spring even though our tractor broke down and he now has to till it with a push tiller.
4. That he keeps our lawn mowed and trimmed.
5. That he goes and picks wild blackberries and muscadines with me.
6. That he holds me when I have a nightmare.
7. How I don't have to ask him twice to stop by the store to pick up PMS medicine.
8. That he loves my cooking.