In the spirit of keeping things a little lighter over the holiday weekend......
So, I am trying to R with a man who has lied to me so much I don't feel I can believe a word he says, and who has engaged in activities and said things that, frankly, has made me lose all respect for him.
Now, I understand that in order to begin rebuilding our intimacy and just generally our relationship, we need to be able to connect again, in all ways, mentally, emotionally, physically. This scares me a great deal, as my most recent d-day is only 2 months ago. I am not even ready to have him sleep in the same bed as me, much less engage in any form of sexual intimacy. Sometimes I can't look him straight in the eye without starting to cry.
So, I ran across an activity that I thought was interesting. It was based on a woman whose husband had died, and her discussion of the simple things she missed about having him around. It said to imagine your spouse was gone, and to picture yourself a year later, after your emotions had died down a bit, what small simple things would you miss the most, what things would make you feel the most alone? Then it suggested that you start by initiating these simple things, because these are the things you need, and it is easier to initiate something when you are fulfilling your needs (not just actions you THINK you are supposed to be doing.....I struggle with this, condemning myself for things I think I should be doing, but cannot bring myself to do.)
In a way I felt like this was a good transition from the 180, as I am still somewhat focusing on myself and my needs yet beginning to reach out to WH. So here were some of mine...
-Holding hands when we were driving somewhere
-Laying on the couch together at night watching t.v.
-Sitting together at our kids events
-picking up the phone and texting him when I am excited because of good news, or sad because of bad
-having coffee together in the morning and talking about our plans for the day
-Sitting on the back porch with a drink admiring the sunset
etc, etc, there are more, but you get the idea. So I have decided that these are the things that I will initiate, because these are my simplest needs, and thats a good place to start.
So last night, when we went out for pizza, I reached over and held his hand. I still couldn't look at him, but I looked out the window and held his hand. It still felt pretty good.
So, fellow SI'ers, I can't help but be curious, what are the simple things you would miss most? Maybe we can develop a really good list together......