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Blanket posted 7/4/2014 08:54 AM

At the risk of sounding completely unbalanced this a thought that occurs to me frequently. I'm sure I would've found his death easier to deal with than this. I feel like I'm grieving for him but he's still here.
Is this normal?

karmahappens posted 7/4/2014 09:01 AM

It would be easier to mourn the death of a person who remained "who we thought they were"

Instead we have to mourn them while they are in front of us and learn to love the new person they become. (hopefully better)

It's very difficult and yes, I thought the same thing in the beginning.

Don't worry about being "unbalanced" we are all just a little bit nuts going through gets better.


MJane posted 7/4/2014 09:04 AM

Hi there Blanket I had that very thought a lot in the early months after DDay. My thought was that if he had dies he'd still have been the man I knew and loved and not the stranger capable of a betrayal so profound I still don't know who he actually is. I also thought that if he were dead I'd get to mourn him and eventually move on - that reminders of him around me would move me but not anger me and make me bitter (as seeing pictures of us as a family during the A period and our wedding day are capable of doing). Keeping the A from most of our family and friends (only very close family and friends know) has also meant I felt so lost but unable to break down - having to keep up a front for some people - and that wouldn't have happened if I were dealing with his death - people around me would have known what was wrong and given me time to grieve. Most of all I thought that if he were dead I'd not have to see him again at a time when having him near made me so very sad and angry yet as he is the dad of my children our lives will be forever connected regardless of whether we stay together or D. As time has moved on I have felt that I don't want him to be gone forever (if I did I would have walked out of this M), that flawed as he is I still feel love for him and if I feel he truly is capable of change and being the man I deserve (and I still am in constant indecision on that front) then we will still have the chance of a happy life together. You are not deranged or crazy - you've had the foundations of your life rocked and death can seem a kinder option than this horror story of pain following an A - hugs to you!!

TheIrishGirl posted 7/4/2014 09:04 AM

I think it's kind of normal. I don't actually wish him dead, but if he had died rather than committed A, the emotions would be straight forward- just sadness and grief. With the A you struggle with still wanting to love him while at the same time hating him. Wondering how he could do this to you. Wondering if your life for years has been a lie. With a death it is what it is and there's no second guessing the past.

It just sucks. All of it.

Time Ticks On posted 7/4/2014 10:07 AM

I felt this way also. I told him if he had died instead at least I would still have the feelings of being cherished and loved . Instead I suffered the same pain with losing him but also the loss and pain from the betrayal.

plainpain posted 7/4/2014 10:12 AM

Normal. :) My WH was actually so stressed out during the A he thought he was going to have a heart attack. He knew he was out of control and worried he would die on a park bench somewhere and that I would find out all this stuff AFTER he was dead. So I am glad he didn't die, all things considered. I did tell him that I wished he had just shot me in the face - that it would have been kinder. Totally meant that at the time.

devasted30 posted 7/4/2014 10:41 AM

Yep, normal. Though I am sure if he had died his OW would have filled me in and then where would I be. Mourning a husband who I thought loved me like crazy but who probably spoke badly about me and f.cked another woman. At least this way I know "most" of the story. I don't think I would have been able to survive living with her version of events.

Daisy312 posted 7/4/2014 10:54 AM

I had this same conversation with my ic. She was saying that life is unpredictable and compared his A to him dying unexpectedly. This ticked me off! Him dying would hurt and I would've been devastated, but it would've been out of his control. Something that just happened and I'd have to deal with it. With his A, he knowingly betrayed me, lied to me, hurt me. It was preventable and a choice he made! Him dying would've been sooo much easier! With his A I now have to decide to stay or go, to forgive, to trust, and love again. With death you don't have to decide. It's decided for you.

neecee posted 7/4/2014 11:07 AM

I thought the same thing. I told him that it would have been easier if he died. Mourning the death of our past life and the man that I thought I knew is much more painful. Now I have to live with the fact that our relationship that I cherished is dead and he is the one who killed it. Thats hard to accept.

Blanket posted 7/4/2014 11:16 AM

I'm reassured by these posts .

Pudding posted 7/4/2014 11:25 AM

Just a thought.

I did not discover the truth about my first husband until after he died. I knew he was an alcoholic and we were divorcing. After his death, I found out he was a bisexual sex addict and had been with male and female prostitutes the entirely of our 27 year relationship. I haven't been able to question, understand, reconcile and the issue will never be resolved either for me or our adult sons ( who don't know about the sex addiction).

However, my second husband and I are able to work on reconciliation together. He also has betrayed me all our 9 year relationship (until 7 weeks ago) with a MCOW "fuck buddy". ( I seem to pick them!). I am still deciding whether to R or D, but at least we talk about it, he's working on it, he is remorseful, considerate to my feelings (now). There is some hope we might be able to get through this.

If the WS dies, there is no hope of ever getting to the bottom of it, no hope of reconciliation, no understanding, no forgiveness, so many unanswered questions remain. At the moment, both my marriages seem fake. There was no hope for the first one, but today, for the second one, there is a possibility (faint though it may be) that we put the A he A in the past, we start again, we remain faithful into the future and we have 40 potentially happy years ahead of us.

If there is any hope of R for you, then that is better than if he dies and you never R.

lovehonorcherish posted 7/4/2014 11:50 AM

I think what you are feeling is completely normal. Over this past year and a half I have thought the same thing many, many times: it would have been so much easier to have been widowed knowing that stbxh truly loved me... Instead, I have to deal with the realization that I married a lying, two faced, insecure, emotionally retarded and morally bankrupt coward

Mom-of-4 posted 7/4/2014 20:43 PM

Hello everyone and Happy 4th.

Blanket and others, I too have had the same thought many times.

Firstly, when my WH was forced to disclose his A, my first response to him was, "I would rather die than deal with this!"

My worst fear was an A. It's one of the reasons I chose to marry my H. He was "THE NICE GUY". He had caught his mother in an A at the age of 17 and I thought the impact of that experience would make him "Affair-proof". We had a wonderful love story, beautiful courtship, wonderful wedding, and great early years of marriage. We had 3 children and 1 on the way when he engaged in his A. I was thoroughly and completely blindsided.

I believe him dying would have been MUCH EASIER to deal with, because, as others said, Death has closure. Death doesn't involve dealing with betrayal. With his death, I wouldn't have had to deal with knowing the person I married was a complete sham. Our marriage and who he was died a slow death over the first 18 months post-DD. It has been the most horrible and traumatic experience of my life. I stayed for my kids and bc I think my life with him is easier, safer, and more secure financially than without him. He has changed in some ways, but I will NEVER view him or love him like I loved and viewed the man I married. This guys is the stranger I have 5 kids with. At least he goes to work, makes a good living for us, and I am comfortable, at least that's what I tell myself. It feels like eating a shit sandwich some days.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:04 PM

My first H died. Seriously - cancer, at age 33. He had cheated, but very briefly, and we worked it out. We had two kids. They were 8 and 9 when he passed. We were no longer married - we were just too young - but we always cared a great deal for each other, and we adored our kids. We were amazing co-parents. We didn't fight. The kids happiness came first.

So, I was cheated on by WH#1. I had WH#1 die while trying to explain to our children that daddy wasn't going to leave the hospital*** I was cheated on my WH#2, who, btw, has yelled in my face that 'people have had spouses DIE and get over it sooner!!'

He's right. The death is easier. Why? It wasn't intentional. It wasn't designed to cut us out. It wasn't filled with lies, betrayal, another person replacing us. It is death, and it hurts, and it's hard to recover from and accept, but it was never, for a moment, about us. Death just happens.

Betrayals are far more personal. They're an attack of sorts. We were passed over. Sure, WS didn't leave, but so F'N what? Wouldn't that have been better? At least we wouldn't feel like utter fools, believing every lie, even though in hindsight it was a pile of the dumbest, most outrageous lies ever told. No, death is not intentional. It isn't chosen over us. It just is.

I say this without taking into account suicides. Those are heartbreaking. To think that anyone sees death as an alternative the their own private hell is excruciating to even imagine. I apologize if my post offends or triggers anyone that has been directly affected by a suicide. My heart goes out to all such people.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:06 PM

I feel like I'm grieving for him but he's still here.


You're not grieving for him. You're grieving for the him that he let you see. You're grieving the dreams you know can't or won't be fulfilled. You're grieving the loss of innocence in your relationship. You're not grieving him - he's still right there. It's all of the things he took from you that you grieve, and rightfully so.

sad12008 posted 7/4/2014 21:14 PM

"One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though....betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope."
-Steven Deitz

I hear you and I think it's entirely normal. No one brings casseroles to your house because your spouse betrayed you....your memories are left intact and you can mourn with some peace when your spouse dies. Infidelity is a death of innocence and trust.

[This message edited by sad12008 at 9:16 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:14 PM

had this same conversation with my ic. She was saying that life is unpredictable and compared his A to him dying unexpectedly.

Where do these quacks come from?

Death is permanent. There is no going back. There is no 'wait and see'. There is no sending the kids to dad's on the weekends. There are no Father's day gifts to make in school while all the other kids make their dad's gifts. Death is in NO way like discovering an affair. I'm shocked that anyone, particularly a counselor, would be so incredibly stupid. Yes, stupid. It's a stupid, and completely unintelligent comment.

Dying unexpectedly and an A are both major game changers, it's true. However, when death is unexpected, you get support, you all wonder how this happened so suddenly. You reminisce about what a good man he was. And then, it's just over. You go home alone, with your kids, and you try as best you can to act like 'hey, things happen' when really, every damned thing is different, and you have no idea what to do or say, or how to ack.

When discovering an A, people whisper. Some blame the BS. Some just stay away. You'll get support, some of it backhanded, such as "Maybe if you wore sexier clothes, that might help?' Yeah, ok. There is no get together to 'say goodbye' to this person. Instead, your friends for the most part scatter. Those that don't are soon tired of hearing about your pain. You are alone, and you know it. Worse, the A was premeditated. You were lied to. You feel unattractive, unloved, unwanted. You feel ugly. You're scared. You're embarrassed. You were willfully and maliciously betrayed.

OK - Someone please, show me how these events are similar? Anyone?

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:19 PM

Blanket - your sig line reads:

I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger

The answer is both. His A will kill parts of you. I'm sorry, but it will. What will emerge will surprise you, and you'll know that you're prepared for what's next. There are no guarantees that something like this won't happen again, but you will be stronger, more alert, better prepared, and you will know what to expect regarding the range of emotions.

Being a BS isn't a good thing, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but you will be stronger after this. I promise

Hatemyhusband posted 7/5/2014 06:33 AM

Mom of 4
I get what u wrote. It'll physically kill me to watch my kids suffer so it is easier to try to R. If I was wo children, he'd be gone. Bc of kids, he gets a second chance.
During this time, the time being married to a "different man" than who I chose, I work on me, me and me. I do what makes me happy. I Focus on the kids and myself. He has one chance to become a new man- he will never be what he was pre- A. I decide the kids and I are better off wo him, or he blows this one chance, good bye. It's easier now bc I won't be let down as I have no expectations and have time to prepare mentally and financially.
Xo. Hamg in there. This road we travel

stunnedmullet posted 7/5/2014 17:32 PM

I was thinking this just yesterday. But then I started to wonder what it would have looked like if he had died when he had been with her. What a way to find out that he was having an A.

Since. DDay we discovered WH has hypertension that he is now being treated for. I am glad we found it and it is being dealt with rather thana him dropping dead from a heart attack. I am glad he didn't have one when he was in the middle of having sex with her. Imagine how hard that would be to deal with :(

Mom of 4 - I feel like you have written exactly how I feel and e same situation of WH seeing the devastation of affairs all around him. Yet be still chose to do it, to knowingly hurt me like this - deliberately. How can I want to stay with someone that purposely did is to me, to our life and our family? Some days I am so angry at myself for not being stronger and just leaving. I am just sick of being so sad

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