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Topic: I want to get even

Tigaress
♀ 43954
Member # 43954

Posted: 9:05 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

Last Sunday I caught him. First he denied, then he minimized and then he went into a full blown attack against me - it was my fault because I have not yet lost the baby weight, because I'm not fulfilling my wife-duties bla bla. Then he had a moment of remorse, promised me he would fix everything and asked me to wait with the divorce to give him a chance. But since I requested that he stops all contact with the slut he has been giving me the silent treatment. No response to texts, does not even pick up the phone. This also means he has not asked about our baby since Tuesday. I'm so sick of this shit.
My pregnancy was quite bad, I was miserable most of the time. The baby is nine months old, he has not touched me in 18 months. I am a woman with a reasonable libido but I've deprived myself because I am loyal and committed to my marriage. Also, I'm not a spring chicken, had a life before my marriage but I have never cheated and I have not touched married men when I was single. And this is what your morals get you. My last kiss was pre-pregnancy, with all his hatred about my post-baby body he wouldn't even give me good hugs. But I hung in there. And what does he? He goes out and ... FUCK HIM.
Since Sunday I am so angry. I could hardly eat and I spent a lot of time in the gym every day to channel my anger in a productive way. I'm not the skinny me again (yet) but I'm a good looking woman and I'm tired of always being the one who has to clean up his shit. Does him going on dates with the slut not give me the right to have some fun, too? I'm not even talking about a sexual affair, but at least it would be nice to be treated like a woman again for the time of a dinner.
He's still giving me the silent treatment and I'm thinking of texting him that I must interpret his non-response to my request that he not to see the slut again as refusal. And as he continues seeing her, I'll take the liberty from now on to accept dates when I'm asked out.

[This message edited by Tigaress at 9:37 AM, July 4th (Friday)]

Posts: 443 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York

yearsofpain25
♂ 42012
Member # 42012

Posted: 9:37 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

Unfortunately there is no getting even. I know how badly you want it. It just doesn't exist. I could go on and on about how even going out on a "date" is going to have an adverse impact on you and your sitch. I know you are not talking about having sex with someone else here, but doing things like this that you normally wouldn't do as a revenge tactic is only going to back fire on YOU... and here's WHY:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=533230

yop

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

Posts: 2753 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US

Chippednotbroken
♀ 40170
Member # 40170

Posted: 9:40 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

That won't make you feel any better. Those guys that would ask you out will treat you as if you are in heat. And you will feel like trash. No good guy would look at your situation and get involved. 180 him. Stop doing anything for him.
I know the pain, I know wanting to punish back but in the end though don't care. They know you only did it because of them. It's an ego boost and then he gets to call you bad names on top of all that.
Just don't. Get a journal. Write it down. Stop talking or listening to him.

Me 33 (former BS)
Divorced November 17, 2014.
3 young kids

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013

Tigaress
♀ 43954
Member # 43954

Posted: 9:41 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

Yop - you're right. And I think I didn't choose a good title. There is some element of wanting to hurt him back after all that pain he caused me. But that's not the main motivation. I've been unhappy with this man for such a long time, he hasn't done anything to work on our marriage, instead he went out and cheated. I just don't see why I am under any further obligation to him until he decides himself to work with me on our marriage. If he's ready to try it and work hard (doubt that will ever happen) I would be immediately on board. But I'm tired of pulling the cart all by myself ..

Posts: 443 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York

Tigaress
♀ 43954
Member # 43954

Posted: 9:41 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

[This message edited by Tigaress at 9:41 AM, July 4th (Friday)]

Posts: 443 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York

Chippednotbroken
♀ 40170
Member # 40170

Posted: 9:44 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

That's why you can't. You are still in the marriage. If you tell him you are done, the marriage is over your out. Then fine. But you are still in it, don't hurt the next poor guy that comes by. You are still in the marriage. End of it. As is posted often, people aren't band aids. They won't make you feel better. Again I know...

Me 33 (former BS)
Divorced November 17, 2014.
3 young kids

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013

yearsofpain25
♂ 42012
Member # 42012

Posted: 9:45 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

I just don't see why I am under any further obligation to him until he decides himself to work with me on our marriage.

You are not under further obligation. I'm not familiar with your story, but have you tried using the 180 and detaching? If not, maybe it's time? You sound like you are at the end of your rope and you are getting close to moving on with your life.

Posts: 2753 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US

Landoes
♂ 40222
Member # 40222

Posted: 9:55 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

I had the same thoughts. Never went through with them. I know you're feeling angry, but getting into a physical relationship, at this point, isn't a good idea.
Best thing you can do is focus on your son. Mine is 9 months as well, and I take care of her, I try and focus my energy on her, it's great for keeping the mind busy.

[This message edited by Landoes at 9:55 AM, July 4th (Friday)]

Posts: 74 | Registered: Aug 2013

norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092

Posted: 10:22 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

The urge to have a revenge affair (RA) is strong, big destructive. Remember that you are better him and behave in a way that you can be proud of. Listen, anyone can get laid if they want--it's not some badge of honor or special talent to be jealous of. Being loyal and faithful is much harder and you have succeeded at that. Be proud of that and stay true to who you are. While you may want to run from the pain and cover it up with a bandaid by acting put, you can't run forever--it will always catch up to you. So stand your ground and feel the pain. Sit with it. Yes, it hurts. It sucks. It's overpowering. Bit it won't knock you down. Be brave enough to feel all of your reaction without trying to hide. And then be proud of yourself for handling this shit sandwich with integrity.

((((Tigress))))

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4282 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC

Badhurt
♂ 41947
Member # 41947

Posted: 10:33 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

Tigress,

I agree with the others. Keep working on yourself. Go to gym, and get that body back in shape. Then divorce him and do whatever you want.

Unfortunately, any guy you accept a date from that has any conversation with you about what is going on in your life is going to have in the back of his mind that it will be easy to get laid. Unfortunately, most of us men think with our penis, and i would be very careful if you do accept a date. You will have plenty of dates when you are free from this mess.

Stay strong.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA

Lostly
43953
Member # 43953

Posted: 10:36 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

I understand how you feel, of course you want to get even!!! Just remember that his A is not a reflection of your self-worth or attractiveness, its a reflection on his brokenness. It's a road you really don't want to go down, though. There is a special subset of madness that pops up when we are under the influence of our spouse's A! It turns us into someone we don't recognize, and thoughts we never thought possible take on a whole new life. An A is the gift that keeps on giving

Just remember that NONE of this is your fault. Sure, maybe things weren't perfect, but that's NEVER a reason to cheat. Having a baby is hard on your self esteem and body image. It is a time when the guy really needs to step up and put YOU first. I truly believe women get to be a little selfish when we are expecting, and that HE needed to help you feel sexy, beautiful and loved, NOT the other way around. SO WHAT if you haven't lost the baby weight. Your body just created another amazing little human, and because of that your baby weight should be as sexy as hell to him! So what if your 18 mths out, that's NOT very long.

I can't believe that he hasn't returned your texts or contacted you. What an idiot. He is showing you who he really is. He's making some decisions easy for you, the longer he goes in not contacting you the easier the choice between reconciliation or divorce.

Do you know who the AP is? Is she married, and, if so can you inform her BS? How did you find out about the A?

I am so sorry you are going through this. Holidays are especially hard. Hang in there and post whenever you need. SI is a great resource, and I wish I knew about it when I was going through the worst of it. (((hugs)))

BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids.

I have finally found my voice and it is good!

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia

damaged71
♂ 36004
Member # 36004

Posted: 12:06 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

Tigaress...

The hardest thing for me to come to terms with is the injustice of it all for the BS. In almost every situation in life there is at least some upside if you look hard enough.

This ain't one of them.

I am a large guy with a knack for physical violence. I really wanted to hurt the OM and am abundantly capable of doing so.

Should his daughter suffer for my desire for revenge? (His wife would probably thank me and offered to "get back" at them with me)

That's not who I am and it's probably not who you are either. It's just a burden that we must carry.

I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 364 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71

Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619

Posted: 12:12 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

He's still giving me the silent treatment and I'm thinking of texting him that I must interpret his non-response to my request that he not to see the slut again as refusal.

I wouldn't bother with a response except for serving him with D papers. The silent treatment is a mind game. It's an attempt to manipulate you in a passive-aggressive manner. It is intended to provoke a response. Well give him the only response it deserves.

And as he continues seeing her, I'll take the liberty from now on to accept dates when I'm asked out.

You're still married. You have chosen to not cheat. You have chosen to honor your vows. His actions don't decide your integrity. That's why you shouldn't do it. He doesn't have that power over you. You stick to your vows because that's the person you are. He doesn't get to change that. Don't let his behavior be the thing that changes your integrity no matter how understandable it might seem to be.

xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4250 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast

12yearsloyal
♀ 43064
Member # 43064

Posted: 10:16 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014

Tigaress,

I agree with the others. Don't stoop to his low. I have felt the same thing and still do. I want revenge myself. I am in the anger stage. Today I had to take half Xanax, I cried for a while then took the pill. I still cried but a little less. I am not a drug person but if I have to take a pill to keep myself out of jail I will do it. I was so angry I could have done something drastic to him today. I am too reasonable though. Which is a good thing. No man/woman is worth giving my freedom up for.

Now also don't be so hard on yourself with the baby weight thing. my aye hole husband cheated on me and I am a thin person, and considered attractive as well. His whore is very ugly. These WS do not even look at what they are fucking, very often they are dogs. These WS are broken and it will not matter how thin you are if they are fked up in the head. They will justify their A because they are sick people. Tiger Woods had a beautiful wife and look what He did.

Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs) D Day 3/10/14
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
Status: Trying R with no guarantee
Betrayal is so painful it should be a crime - 12 months in prison would be a good start.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: State of Distrust

Topic Posts: 14

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