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Newest Member: doublepain (48044)

User Topic: Betraying Yourself
♀ 40952
Member # 40952
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 17 months months out and still struggling. Do I stay or do I go? Great interview

Am I betraying myself by staying with a cheater and a liar?

Me40 BS
Him 43 WH
Married 17 years, together 24 high school sweethearts
3 Beautiful Children 13,9,9

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Jersey
♂ 42896
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this is what I struggle with the most.
I've betrayed myself !

The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for posting this.

It is just what I needed today. I struggle with this lately. Self betrayal, not valuing yourself, not listening to your gut.

This is that feeling of anxiety.

It is our duty to ourselves to honor ourselves, our integrity, our beliefs, our core.

Another bit of strength.

"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie


Posts: 2107 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 43549
Member # 43549
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also struggling with this. How do you forgive yourself for staying with a cheater? Would be interested to hear how others have dealt with 'betraying themselves'

Posts: 137 | Registered: May 2014 | From: The Depths of Despair
♂ 19517
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you forgive yourself for staying with a cheater?

A) You recognize WHY you stayed, and WHY you decided to go, and give yourself credit for the validity of those decisions within the time frames when you made them.

The decision to "go" is always accompanied by either
1) more information than that available when "staying";
2) a better understanding of the available information when "staying";
3) both.

B) You also recognize that you were making decisions based upon the welfare of people other than yourself, such as children, etc, and your desire to provide the best possible outcome for them.

Posts: 1018 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
♂ 43980
Member # 43980
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also struggling with this. Do I stay or go

Married 16 years
DDay Dec 24, 2011
3 kids
13,8, 1

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I betraying myself by staying with a cheater and a liar?
If they continue to cheat and lie and (very important part) you know they still cheat and lie, then you are definitely betraying yourself in my most humble opinion.

Giving someone a chance to redeem themselves. To fix their own issues. That is not automatically self-betrayal. It's a choice.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4271 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
♀ 43773
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something I struggle with as well. Some of it comes from my own perception of "respect yourself" that my mom ingrained in me as a child. She left my father - who was abusive and a cheater - and she did so with just $10 in her pocket and two very small children. She was very adamant throughout my childhood that I be independent, strong, and respect myself enough to not put up with someone treating me poorly.

I swore to my husband when we were first together that my dealbreakers would be anything that betrayed that respect - affairs or abuse.

When I found out, I was so shellshocked I didn't even know what to think or do. And I was hesitant to say anything lest I later regret it - either committing to try with him or telling him I was leaving. I ultimately only promised him until the first counseling session, and that was only if he met all of my requirements. He did and it left me even more confused about my own feelings of what I felt I *should* do (leave) versus what I *wanted* to do (try to fix this).

I talked with a friend who went through infidelity with her husband and said they came out stronger. I found out my grandmother dealt with infidelity and came out stronger with my grandfather. A mantra started in my head of "when something breaks, you fix it, you don't toss it out."

Mostly what comforted me was talking with my mom and my MIL though. My mom was completely shellshocked as well as my husband is nothing like my father - absolutely nothing like him - and so she never would've expected this betrayal of him in a million years. My MIL was shocked and said she has no clue who he is.

After I told my mom that I wanted to try and work on it, my mom told me - my mom, the strong one who walked out with $10 and two preschoolers - told me that if she'd had my marriage, she would've stayed and tried, too. Because she believes in my husband. And she believes that I need and should see for myself if we can fix this so that if I do walk away later on, I will have no questions about it.

And talking with them also affirmed to me that whoever *this* man is not the man I married, and that man got broke or lost or something along the way... and if anybody can come back from this and put in the work and change, it is him.

So I no longer feel like I am betraying myself. Sometimes I feel weak and wonder whether it's the weakness in me that's driving it, but I dont' feel that so strongly anymore and don't wonder it so much. Because this - staying, trying, dealing with it - is actually much harder and requiring way more strength than leaving. And as for betraying myself, I have multiple parts of myself and they feel differently depending on which part i'm focusing on. But the overall me is made up of all those parts, and the overall me knows that this isn't betraying me but rather staying true to my own values, beliefs, and strengths about at least trying and putting the work in before giving up on something that meant and means the world to me

It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. - Dumbledore

Posts: 2084 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♂ 43930
Member # 43930
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very poignant topic...after much thought it so very apparent to me that I am my own worst enemy. My biggest betrayer is me. Tbh, right now I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.

I'm known as a strong person, a guy who doesn't take shit from anyone...except for in my marriage. I was a a doormat, and a coward for all these years, and I'm disgusted by myself.

So live your life that fear of death can never enter your heart.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: NY
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am disgusted with myself too..

Divorce laws make it hard to leave a cheater.. Especially the older one gets and the more invested in the marriage one gets.

Cheater is somewhat protected by virtue of being legally married....

Many of us think twice and try R before divorcing because of our lives/livelihoods at stake..

Some of us wonder what did we do to deserve cheating spouse who is either out to take advantage of us or out to ruin our lives..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 36671
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Highland Paddy, you don't need to feel disgusted with yourself. Like so many posters here. We try to project onto our 'significant others' what we see in ourselves: honest people with moral compasses. We can't understand that there are people within our environment who are bereft of a moral compass. Having been through this trauma, we hope that the people with whom we have spent the better part of our lives will finally see the light and decide that WE are worth far more than the OWs or OMs. Who knows?

I go through these existential debates on a daily basis, If he were ever, ever, ever to transcend those borders; if there was ever another woman, if he ever, ever, contacted OW (with 2 other children), then I am OUT of this...There is no other chance. This is IT. Doesn't help my daily struggle: Do I stay or do I go?

WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 11

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