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2 years later, we can email from OW

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mamak posted 7/4/2014 11:36 AM

While I was on my lunch break 2 days ago I discovered an email from OW. Part of our "openness" is that all of WHs work emails are forwarded to our joint one so that if she did email, I would see it.

Well, it worked.

The title of the email was "I'm here" and the subject said, "Hope your well"

I flipped out and immediately emailed him. He was on the field for work (military) so it took a while for him to respond. In the meantime I had to keep from vomiting and pull myself together so I could take care of my patients. When he did reply he denied any contact with her and sent selfies of him in the field. But the damage is done. I sent an email to her "friend" (who just moved and I believe is her new lesbian "friend") politely explaining the situation and asking her to encourage OW to leave us alone. I also emailed OW and asked her to leave us alone. The next night when I got home from work and WH returned from the field, we sent the letter that we composed 2 years ago. You see, when he initially broke up with her he told her that he was sorry and that he felt obligated to be with me. Left the door wide open. This time he sent the no contact email that said that further contact with be followed with legal action. To which she replied, "ok thanks friend."

The damage is done though. My mind is a mess and my heart is broken. I don't know if I can hang on anymore. We worked so hard for two years and all of that was damaged with this fishing email....

Lark posted 7/4/2014 12:08 PM

I am so sorry, what a total b*tch to do that to you guys after 2 years. I hate the freaking mindgames that the OP play with that kind of crap.

Are you guys still in counseling or doing IC?

It sounds like his response was first to make you feel safe and then work as a team with you to develop a plan of NC against her. That, to me, sounds like this "test" of her has demonstrate how far you guys have come

karmahappens posted 7/4/2014 12:10 PM

The work you have done is still there.

She went fishing, he did not.

His willingness to send the NC letter and your responses were great. Please concentrate on how far you have come. Don't let her set you back, she is not in your marriage and has no control over it, or the two of you.

Breathe and know you are in the same place as you were before you opened the email...don't give her headspace.


Time Ticks On posted 7/4/2014 12:20 PM

All of it was not damaged. It opened up all the pain for you and I am so sorry for that. You worked as a couple to handle it which shows how far you have both come. She fished and came up empty. With the NC letter she now knows he does not want her and he will go after her for harrassment. That should keep her away.

Don't let her win by making you doubt yourself or your husband. I know how it feels when they come out of the woodwork. My husband's exow contacted at two days, five days, three months then nothing till a one year and three months. I felt invaded by her. We chose to ignore her and block her each new way she came up with. She wanted attention and we gave her silence. I still think if she sees him she will try to talk to him but the chances are very slim.

You handled it the best way for you and your husband.Try to concentrate on how well you have been doing and not on her intruding. It is hard, I know. (hugs)

HFSSC posted 7/4/2014 13:39 PM

Mamak, I am right there with you. See my post in General.

But, the other posters are right. The work we have done is good work. We are not back where we began, even though where we are feels awful.

I told JM last night... until I die I will never understand how someone can do this to another human being, one they've never met or someone who was a "friend". How someone can be so selfish to have absolutely no concern for the harm they have caused.

Just smh.

Hugs to you, my friend. You are not alone. We are not alone.

mamak posted 7/4/2014 14:07 PM

I don't understand how someone could live with the self after doing that. It is disgusting.

I feel like it took forever for me to recover. I had to put a lot of my own needs on hold six months into R because we found out his mother had stage IV cancer. I held down the fort while he stayed with her an entire summer and while he was stationed elsewhere (until I could find a job in the new location). By the time I could focus on healing, his mom passed, I was starting a new job and then his best friend passed. And now this.

I recently went back to IC because I feel like I am a hot mess. And then I get the email. My scars never had time to heal and I feel like this ripped them wide open.

MJane posted 7/4/2014 16:32 PM

HCSSC and mamak had the same horrid experience this week - am ten months in and the OW contacted H by using her colleague's work email as my H had blocked hers and her texts. She had bombarded him in past. I felt sick to the core with her "I love you and miss you" crap - took me back to Dday and made me feel so vulnerable and helpless - I was so tempted to mail her and even to appear in person at her work and tell her and her friend to go to hell. We decided to completely ignore her as my H had already sent a NC and for her being ignored probably hurts more!
I would also say take a step back - you are feeling horrid pain and flashback - your H did not ask for the contact and this woman is trying to insert herself again in your life without caring about pain she inflicts. Like you both I just can't get my head around how a human being can knowingly inflict such pain on another - then again what type of second rate female has sex with a married man about to have a baby and tells you with glee all about it ? Someone empty, pathetic and immoral and not worth your pain. Hugs to you both

Want2help posted 7/5/2014 16:32 PM

She went fishing, he did not.

I am 7 years out, and OW fished for many years.

What helped me most was knowing how much she would delight in knownig that I was taking HER fishing attempt out on FWH. Yes, he brought her into our lives, but he cannot control her behavior, and should not be held responsible for it.

I am so sorry this happened, but you and your FWH are doing all the right things.


SI Staff posted 7/5/2014 21:48 PM

Lark and MJane,

Please don't name call or vent about the OW in the Reconciliation forum. It's against the forum guidelines.

Thank you.

mamak posted 7/6/2014 09:21 AM

I think one of my biggest hang ups is the title of the email: I'm here. I keep worrying that it indicates that he had fished for info, yet he adamantly denies that he has. I hate that my mind has gone back to the broken record of worries, where I can get to a good point only I be thrown back by doubt.

devasted30 posted 7/6/2014 14:39 PM

My WS got a msg on Facebook from the OW saying that she was sure if he wanted to get in touch with her she was pretty sure he could. Of course this was to make me think that he had tried to reach out to her. It didn't work. We were in Florida and he never went on the internet, never used the phone and never went on Facebook. I know this because we were always together and I had changed his FB password and he doesn't even know it.
Do not let this woman mess with your mind. Do not let her. She lost and is probably just looking to make trouble. You have worked hard to get where you are, do not let her derail you. Do not give her that power. This is just a small set back. Think how far you have come.

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