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User Topic: WH insists he was "miserable" in our M for years -
mamajen00
♀ 43810
Member # 43810
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by mamajen00 at 6:28 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS- me 37
WH- him 38
1 son - almost 5
Married 8 years
Together 13 years
DDay 4/19/14
9 months of intense EA
2 days of PA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
Tigaress
♀ 43954
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Mamajen! I am so sorry, you had to suffer through so much, two sick parents and a mis-carriage, that's horrible. And cruel from your soon-to-be ex-husband to use this to give you a guilt trip. He should have gone out of his way to comfort you, instead he complains and whines around. What a useless sissy, he should be ashamed. I would not give anything on that nonsense he's talking now, he definitely tries to re-write the story in a way that makes him look better. You also see that when he tells the lie about the reason of separation. I wish you that you have him out of your life very soon and that you can move on happily!

Posts: 309 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((hugs)))))

Sadly, this is typical. It's known as 'writing the marital history'. It's done by a WS to 'justify' their cheap affair. The marriage was bad, I was unhappy, we didn't get along, etc. YOU were there, in that marriage. You know the truth about it. Please don't let him make you question your life over the last 2+ years. Again, this is so typical, and it's an act of desperation.

The reality is - even if the marriage was bad, or he was unhappy, that is completely irrelevant. There are so many ways to deal with times where things are on the downturn, as happens in long marriages. Did he offer counseling? Did he tell you he was unhappy? Did he take the initiative to change the situation from within the marriage? Nope - he went outside the marriage and cheated. Cheap and easy - til he's caught, that is.

You, your marriage, your bills, your kids, your job, his job, you mother, his mother - all not a party to his affair. Only he was. He did this alone, and it's his fault 100%. Don't accept any blame, or any BS stories about the marriage being bad so blah blah blah.

Anyone can cheat. It's easy. Desperate people are everywhere. They do it because they want to, not for any other reason.

Again - you were in the same marriage he was in. You know the truth. Rewriting hurts, but it's common - like cheap affairs.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Christy516
♀ 42546
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very sorry to hear about your parents and your miscarriage. Imo when your spouse is going through a difficul . Time you are supposed to be there for them. Not whine and complain later that "my needs weren't being met so of course I had an affair" . He is justifying his actions to himself and denying any responsibility for the consequences. Let him. That has nothing to do with your own healing. He has to live with his own lies and that seems like a pretty crappy place to live.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2014
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, they sure do LOVE rewriting history, don't they?

Been there, done that.

And lastly, it's obvious he wants to blame it ALL on you, don't you know? Why, I wouldn't be surprised if he also blamed you for world hunger, the failing US economy, and global warming as well.

Pfffft.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1951 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
PurpleRose
♀ 33129
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely typical unremorseful wayward response.

My xWH (the doosh) told everyone that he had been unhappy for 20 years. Ha! Considering we dated for 7 years before he asked me to marry him, then 2 years later had a baby, moved across our home state, then had yet another child and moved to a new state- yeah no one bought what he was trying to sell.

Doesn't make sense to anyone. Except those waywards, anyway.

Of course during my false R he took it all back, claimed he was just unhappy for a few years, not all 20. LMAO.. Whatever doosh. Buh bye... Go find your happy! (He's still looking...)


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3631 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
whattheh
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes this is quite typical for the cheaters to rewite marital history.

My fWH tried this on me and I called him on it. I pointed out all our happy moments over the course of our 30 year M and said no way was he trashing our M before A.

He thought about it and agreed he did this so he wouldn't have to take responsibilty for his actions being purely selfish etc.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 606 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
doggiediva
♀ 33806
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who wants a spouse who can't be a support to us during the tough times..
It is your call if you would want to wait for him to get relevant counseling and grow up..After what you have been through, I would move on without him, because he was never there when he was NEEDED anyway...
It cheapens marriage/intimacy when we have to always put our best foot forward to make a spouse happy...Because then we don't have the luxury to be ourselves within the marriage..IMHO that would make marriage a prison...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Nov 2011
Summerluv123
♀ 43876
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jen~

I am in the exact same place. It is so hard after 30 years together to learn how unhappy he was. He never told me. I knew the sex was not great and that he had had 2 prior A's (up until last week when I learned of the 3rd). But I never thought he was lying like he was.

Please know there are others out here going through the same thing. You are not alone. I keep telling myself that too. I have to be strong for me and my kids!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
gypsybird87
♀ 39193
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason it bothers me so much is that I feel like if the A never happened, he would have been willing to fully communicate with me and work on creating a marriage that made both of us feel loved.

Mamajen, you have this backwards. If he had communicated with you, and been fully committed to creating a strong marriage, the A never would have happened.

Instead he took the easy, cowardly way out. He wasn't interested in working on the marriage, he wasn't strong enough to support you through your pain and grief. He wanted easy and fun, and when your marriage didn't meet that description he simply replaced it with something else. This is exactly what my XWH did.

Please know this is NOT your fault. Supplying more sex would not have made any difference. My XWH and I were having sex DAILY, including days I now know he had been with OW also. It made no difference. Cheating is not about a lack of sex. It's about a lack of character and moral fiber. And you can't give this to someone. They either have it, or they don't. My XWH doesn't have it... and sadly it sounds like your WH doesn't either. But again, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.

If our partners are unhappy, they have the right to tell us... to seek counseling... to even ask for a separation or a divorce. They do not EVER have the right to become intimate with another party, while lying to us and making us feel crazy and that this is somehow our fault.

He's rewriting the marital history and telling people you were both unhappy etc because that's easy. Cheaters are basically cowards at heart, and they are very good at finding ways to make themselves look like the victim. Please, don't buy into any of this. You know better.

((mamajen))

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 9:17 PM, July 4th (Friday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 1041 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
12yearsloyal
♀ 43064
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a manipulator and an idiot.

All of these WS could have suggested MC if they were so miserable. Then if MC does not improve the M then file for D. BUT no, they have an A then after you find out about the A then they blame the A on you. The M was bad so I had an A.

They are all the same, in denial. Denial is not a river in Egypt.


Him: WS, 51 LTA/EA/PA(he says 1 yr, evidence = 2 yrs) D Day 3/10/14
Me: BS 52
OW: Caribbean whore, ugly
What I want: Profound, deep, passionate love.
What I got: Betrayal, heartache and Xanax.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Apr 2014
mamajen00
♀ 43810
Member # 43810
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by mamajen00 at 6:28 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS- me 37
WH- him 38
1 son - almost 5
Married 8 years
Together 13 years
DDay 4/19/14
9 months of intense EA
2 days of PA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
Imissmyhusb
♀ 42734
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excuse me mamajen but i believe your WH is a polygamist bcuz my WH said the EXACT SAME CRAP to me. We must be married to the same man lol

Unhappy for years, not enough sex, dying father... Same stuff

I shld be like u now and get up the nerve to file D. God bless u


Married '03 - multiple ddays and TT
3 kids
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
I dont know why I stay. Need to figure it out

Posts: 293 | Registered: Mar 2014
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ 31765
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hi, mamajen

So full of shit.

I just don't know why ws's even bother to go "there".

Bottom line: Bringing a another emotionally or physically intimate person into a marriage/relationship will totally upend any good a marriage has. I keep saying, it completely scrambles normal and turns a marriage into spaghetti. It's become an impossible situation. Then next, just try unscrambling it, even if one doesn't say they were "miserable" for years. It's just a mental mess.

Just tell ws he's just making up stories that are at the least complete exaggeration!

Sorry, a mini vent on my part.


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2011
Saadnblu
♀ 40361
Member # 40361
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi , mj, guess what? Same thing for me. We were a couple years into our relationship and my mother died tragically and suddenly. I was in grief and a depression for a year or more. When the truth came out about his LTA he said: "after your mother died you were different." Strike one against me. He said the same thing: I was miserable in the marriage, it's not about the affair. And until now I've carried around the guilt, that it was my fault that he had his affair. I hope we both don't have to accept that blame shifting anymore. Good luck to you.


Me: 58, SAHM
Him: 58, LTA 2.5 years
Married 9 years, together 15
Dday: June 11 2013
DD 9 years
Separated

Posts: 61 | Registered: Aug 2013
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so everyone has pretty much cleared up the whole bullshit in him being miserable and if you had greeted him at the door with a be everyday he wouldn't have been miserable.
I just want to touch on what he tells other people. As you know you have no control over what he says or does. You may not realize it now, but no one unless they are slow or have suffered a traumatic brain injury is going to purchase what he is selling. It's obvious a marital rewrite. So when asked do like others have here and just say I did NOT like his girlfriend. That makes things abundantly clear.

(((And strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8886 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
thecosmogirl
♀ 39707
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha! That's in the WS handbook! Pretty sure it's covered in chapter one.
They ALL re-write. Mine was miserable, for a long time. I must've been blind to not know it. Oh and I was mean. And I disrespected him.....and the list goes on.
Isn't it funny that I sang his praises to ANYONE who would listen. Heck, I did it if no one was listening. He was a Knight, so majestic, strong and handsome. My friends hated me (not really but, there pings of jealousy) because I had such a great guy.
I want to just throw up now remembering how I bragged on him continuously.


Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013


I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!


Posts: 184 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
mamajen00
♀ 43810
Member # 43810
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by mamajen00 at 6:28 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS- me 37
WH- him 38
1 son - almost 5
Married 8 years
Together 13 years
DDay 4/19/14
9 months of intense EA
2 days of PA

Posts: 58 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 18

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