[This message edited by mamajen00 at 6:28 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
Sadly, this is typical. It's known as 'writing the marital history'. It's done by a WS to 'justify' their cheap affair. The marriage was bad, I was unhappy, we didn't get along, etc. YOU were there, in that marriage. You know the truth about it. Please don't let him make you question your life over the last 2+ years. Again, this is so typical, and it's an act of desperation.
The reality is - even if the marriage was bad, or he was unhappy, that is completely irrelevant. There are so many ways to deal with times where things are on the downturn, as happens in long marriages. Did he offer counseling? Did he tell you he was unhappy? Did he take the initiative to change the situation from within the marriage? Nope - he went outside the marriage and cheated. Cheap and easy - til he's caught, that is.
You, your marriage, your bills, your kids, your job, his job, you mother, his mother - all not a party to his affair. Only he was. He did this alone, and it's his fault 100%. Don't accept any blame, or any BS stories about the marriage being bad so blah blah blah.
Anyone can cheat. It's easy. Desperate people are everywhere. They do it because they want to, not for any other reason.
Again - you were in the same marriage he was in. You know the truth. Rewriting hurts, but it's common - like cheap affairs.
Been there, done that.
And lastly, it's obvious he wants to blame it ALL on you, don't you know? Why, I wouldn't be surprised if he also blamed you for world hunger, the failing US economy, and global warming as well.
My xWH (the doosh) told everyone that he had been unhappy for 20 years. Ha! Considering we dated for 7 years before he asked me to marry him, then 2 years later had a baby, moved across our home state, then had yet another child and moved to a new state- yeah no one bought what he was trying to sell.
Doesn't make sense to anyone. Except those waywards, anyway.
Of course during my false R he took it all back, claimed he was just unhappy for a few years, not all 20. LMAO.. Whatever doosh. Buh bye... Go find your happy! (He's still looking...)
It's OKAY to be scared.
Being scared means you're about
to do something really, really brave.
My fWH tried this on me and I called him on it. I pointed out all our happy moments over the course of our 30 year M and said no way was he trashing our M before A.
He thought about it and agreed he did this so he wouldn't have to take responsibilty for his actions being purely selfish etc.
60 years young..
I am in the exact same place. It is so hard after 30 years together to learn how unhappy he was. He never told me. I knew the sex was not great and that he had had 2 prior A's (up until last week when I learned of the 3rd). But I never thought he was lying like he was.
Please know there are others out here going through the same thing. You are not alone. I keep telling myself that too. I have to be strong for me and my kids!
The reason it bothers me so much is that I feel like if the A never happened, he would have been willing to fully communicate with me and work on creating a marriage that made both of us feel loved.
Mamajen, you have this backwards. If he had communicated with you, and been fully committed to creating a strong marriage, the A never would have happened.
Instead he took the easy, cowardly way out. He wasn't interested in working on the marriage, he wasn't strong enough to support you through your pain and grief. He wanted easy and fun, and when your marriage didn't meet that description he simply replaced it with something else. This is exactly what my XWH did.
Please know this is NOT your fault. Supplying more sex would not have made any difference. My XWH and I were having sex DAILY, including days I now know he had been with OW also. It made no difference. Cheating is not about a lack of sex. It's about a lack of character and moral fiber. And you can't give this to someone. They either have it, or they don't. My XWH doesn't have it... and sadly it sounds like your WH doesn't either. But again, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.
If our partners are unhappy, they have the right to tell us... to seek counseling... to even ask for a separation or a divorce. They do not EVER have the right to become intimate with another party, while lying to us and making us feel crazy and that this is somehow our fault.
He's rewriting the marital history and telling people you were both unhappy etc because that's easy. Cheaters are basically cowards at heart, and they are very good at finding ways to make themselves look like the victim. Please, don't buy into any of this. You know better.
[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 9:17 PM, July 4th (Friday)]
Follow your heart, but take your brain with you. ~ Alfred Adler
Letting go of the outcome is about the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. ~ LosferWords
All of these WS could have suggested MC if they were so miserable. Then if MC does not improve the M then file for D. BUT no, they have an A then after you find out about the A then they blame the A on you. The M was bad so I had an A.
They are all the same, in denial. Denial is not a river in Egypt.
Unhappy for years, not enough sex, dying father... Same stuff
I shld be like u now and get up the nerve to file D. God bless u
So full of shit.
I just don't know why ws's even bother to go "there".
Bottom line: Bringing a another emotionally or physically intimate person into a marriage/relationship will totally upend any good a marriage has. I keep saying, it completely scrambles normal and turns a marriage into spaghetti. It's become an impossible situation. Then next, just try unscrambling it, even if one doesn't say they were "miserable" for years. It's just a mental mess.
Just tell ws he's just making up stories that are at the least complete exaggeration!
Sorry, a mini vent on my part.
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!