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WH insists he was "miserable" in our M for years -

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mamajen00 posted 7/4/2014 13:20 PM

[This message edited by mamajen00 at 6:28 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Tigaress posted 7/4/2014 13:27 PM

Hey Mamajen! I am so sorry, you had to suffer through so much, two sick parents and a mis-carriage, that's horrible. And cruel from your soon-to-be ex-husband to use this to give you a guilt trip. He should have gone out of his way to comfort you, instead he complains and whines around. What a useless sissy, he should be ashamed. I would not give anything on that nonsense he's talking now, he definitely tries to re-write the story in a way that makes him look better. You also see that when he tells the lie about the reason of separation. I wish you that you have him out of your life very soon and that you can move on happily!

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 13:32 PM


Sadly, this is typical. It's known as 'writing the marital history'. It's done by a WS to 'justify' their cheap affair. The marriage was bad, I was unhappy, we didn't get along, etc. YOU were there, in that marriage. You know the truth about it. Please don't let him make you question your life over the last 2+ years. Again, this is so typical, and it's an act of desperation.

The reality is - even if the marriage was bad, or he was unhappy, that is completely irrelevant. There are so many ways to deal with times where things are on the downturn, as happens in long marriages. Did he offer counseling? Did he tell you he was unhappy? Did he take the initiative to change the situation from within the marriage? Nope - he went outside the marriage and cheated. Cheap and easy - til he's caught, that is.

You, your marriage, your bills, your kids, your job, his job, you mother, his mother - all not a party to his affair. Only he was. He did this alone, and it's his fault 100%. Don't accept any blame, or any BS stories about the marriage being bad so blah blah blah.

Anyone can cheat. It's easy. Desperate people are everywhere. They do it because they want to, not for any other reason.

Again - you were in the same marriage he was in. You know the truth. Rewriting hurts, but it's common - like cheap affairs.

Christy516 posted 7/4/2014 13:35 PM

I'm very sorry to hear about your parents and your miscarriage. Imo when your spouse is going through a difficul . Time you are supposed to be there for them. Not whine and complain later that "my needs weren't being met so of course I had an affair" . He is justifying his actions to himself and denying any responsibility for the consequences. Let him. That has nothing to do with your own healing. He has to live with his own lies and that seems like a pretty crappy place to live.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/4/2014 13:38 PM

Yeah, they sure do LOVE rewriting history, don't they?

Been there, done that.

And lastly, it's obvious he wants to blame it ALL on you, don't you know? Why, I wouldn't be surprised if he also blamed you for world hunger, the failing US economy, and global warming as well.


PurpleRose posted 7/4/2014 13:44 PM

Definitely typical unremorseful wayward response.

My xWH (the doosh) told everyone that he had been unhappy for 20 years. Ha! Considering we dated for 7 years before he asked me to marry him, then 2 years later had a baby, moved across our home state, then had yet another child and moved to a new state- yeah no one bought what he was trying to sell.

Doesn't make sense to anyone. Except those waywards, anyway.

Of course during my false R he took it all back, claimed he was just unhappy for a few years, not all 20. LMAO.. Whatever doosh. Buh bye... Go find your happy! (He's still looking...)

whattheh posted 7/4/2014 13:56 PM

Yes this is quite typical for the cheaters to rewite marital history.

My fWH tried this on me and I called him on it. I pointed out all our happy moments over the course of our 30 year M and said no way was he trashing our M before A.

He thought about it and agreed he did this so he wouldn't have to take responsibilty for his actions being purely selfish etc.

doggiediva posted 7/4/2014 15:01 PM

Who wants a spouse who can't be a support to us during the tough times..
It is your call if you would want to wait for him to get relevant counseling and grow up..After what you have been through, I would move on without him, because he was never there when he was NEEDED anyway...
It cheapens marriage/intimacy when we have to always put our best foot forward to make a spouse happy...Because then we don't have the luxury to be ourselves within the marriage..IMHO that would make marriage a prison...

Summerluv123 posted 7/4/2014 17:03 PM


I am in the exact same place. It is so hard after 30 years together to learn how unhappy he was. He never told me. I knew the sex was not great and that he had had 2 prior A's (up until last week when I learned of the 3rd). But I never thought he was lying like he was.

Please know there are others out here going through the same thing. You are not alone. I keep telling myself that too. I have to be strong for me and my kids!

gypsybird87 posted 7/4/2014 21:16 PM

The reason it bothers me so much is that I feel like if the A never happened, he would have been willing to fully communicate with me and work on creating a marriage that made both of us feel loved.

Mamajen, you have this backwards. If he had communicated with you, and been fully committed to creating a strong marriage, the A never would have happened.

Instead he took the easy, cowardly way out. He wasn't interested in working on the marriage, he wasn't strong enough to support you through your pain and grief. He wanted easy and fun, and when your marriage didn't meet that description he simply replaced it with something else. This is exactly what my XWH did.

Please know this is NOT your fault. Supplying more sex would not have made any difference. My XWH and I were having sex DAILY, including days I now know he had been with OW also. It made no difference. Cheating is not about a lack of sex. It's about a lack of character and moral fiber. And you can't give this to someone. They either have it, or they don't. My XWH doesn't have it... and sadly it sounds like your WH doesn't either. But again, that is NOT YOUR FAULT.

If our partners are unhappy, they have the right to tell us... to seek counseling... to even ask for a separation or a divorce. They do not EVER have the right to become intimate with another party, while lying to us and making us feel crazy and that this is somehow our fault.

He's rewriting the marital history and telling people you were both unhappy etc because that's easy. Cheaters are basically cowards at heart, and they are very good at finding ways to make themselves look like the victim. Please, don't buy into any of this. You know better.


[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 9:17 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

12yearsloyal posted 7/4/2014 22:38 PM

He is a manipulator and an idiot.

All of these WS could have suggested MC if they were so miserable. Then if MC does not improve the M then file for D. BUT no, they have an A then after you find out about the A then they blame the A on you. The M was bad so I had an A.

They are all the same, in denial. Denial is not a river in Egypt.

mamajen00 posted 7/4/2014 23:08 PM

[This message edited by mamajen00 at 6:28 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Imissmyhusb posted 7/4/2014 23:10 PM

Excuse me mamajen but i believe your WH is a polygamist bcuz my WH said the EXACT SAME CRAP to me. We must be married to the same man lol

Unhappy for years, not enough sex, dying father... Same stuff

I shld be like u now and get up the nerve to file D. God bless u

Thinkingtoomuch posted 7/5/2014 09:54 AM

Hi, mamajen

So full of shit.

I just don't know why ws's even bother to go "there".

Bottom line: Bringing a another emotionally or physically intimate person into a marriage/relationship will totally upend any good a marriage has. I keep saying, it completely scrambles normal and turns a marriage into spaghetti. It's become an impossible situation. Then next, just try unscrambling it, even if one doesn't say they were "miserable" for years. It's just a mental mess.

Just tell ws he's just making up stories that are at the least complete exaggeration!

Sorry, a mini vent on my part.

Saadnblu posted 7/6/2014 06:57 AM

Hi , mj, guess what? Same thing for me. We were a couple years into our relationship and my mother died tragically and suddenly. I was in grief and a depression for a year or more. When the truth came out about his LTA he said: "after your mother died you were different." Strike one against me. He said the same thing: I was miserable in the marriage, it's not about the affair. And until now I've carried around the guilt, that it was my fault that he had his affair. I hope we both don't have to accept that blame shifting anymore. Good luck to you.

tushnurse posted 7/6/2014 16:03 PM

Ok so everyone has pretty much cleared up the whole bullshit in him being miserable and if you had greeted him at the door with a be everyday he wouldn't have been miserable.
I just want to touch on what he tells other people. As you know you have no control over what he says or does. You may not realize it now, but no one unless they are slow or have suffered a traumatic brain injury is going to purchase what he is selling. It's obvious a marital rewrite. So when asked do like others have here and just say I did NOT like his girlfriend. That makes things abundantly clear.

(((And strength))))

thecosmogirl posted 7/6/2014 18:17 PM

Ha! That's in the WS handbook! Pretty sure it's covered in chapter one.
They ALL re-write. Mine was miserable, for a long time. I must've been blind to not know it. Oh and I was mean. And I disrespected him.....and the list goes on.
Isn't it funny that I sang his praises to ANYONE who would listen. Heck, I did it if no one was listening. He was a Knight, so majestic, strong and handsome. My friends hated me (not really but, there pings of jealousy) because I had such a great guy.
I want to just throw up now remembering how I bragged on him continuously.

mamajen00 posted 7/6/2014 19:47 PM

[This message edited by mamajen00 at 6:28 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

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