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Thanks for the money, honey

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Girlietoo posted 7/4/2014 13:45 PM

I need advise on this. My husband had an affair with a young woman at his previous place of employment, since then I've become uncomfortable with anything less than professional contact between him and other women.

This morning this message popped up on his work phone

"Thanks for the money, honey. I miss your witty humour at work. I hope you are hanging in there."

Now, I realize that she was referring to lotto money he left on her desk as he is working nights and she is working days. I have no concern that there is anything going on- however, I do not want my husband engaging in this type of unprofessional contact with female co-workers.

He isists she means nothing by it and calls everyone "honey" and she is just a really nice person. I should also add that she kissed my husband and other male co-workers on the cheek, in my presence, to celebrate a recent holiday. I wasn't happy about that either.

So my question, my husband says he understands why these things would bother me and he will say/do whatever needs to be said or done to communicate that he would prefer their contact be less formal.

I do want him to do that but I don't want this person to think I'm a nut case nor do I want him to disclose the reason that she can't speak to him like that.

So, can you suggest how he should go about ensuring this doesn't happen in the future? (I'm not blaming her btw, she obviously doesn't know our history, and I'd like to keep it that way).

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 1:47 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

TattoodChinaDoll posted 7/4/2014 14:20 PM

One thing WH/STBX did right and without prompting was when another coworker (nothing going on and I know never would) texted him after he helped out. It wasn't really anything bad...something along the lines of him being a great guy...or at least that is what I remember it being. He knew it would make me uncomfortable and letting conversation like that go on could lead to more depending on the other person's motives. So he texted back that he wasn't comfortable with talking like that and not to do it anymore. If a man was texting you like that and it made you uncomfortable, and not in an A kind of way but just against your beliefs and morals, wouldn't you tell him to please stop? Your WH should be able to convey his boundaries which should be no one should talk to him in that way. It makes you uncomfortable and if he is remorseful then he would do it. He shouldn't say my wife doesn't like it. It doesn't prove he cares. He should say that HE doesn't want that kind if conversation. And because he should know that it's not really ok in the first place.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 2:22 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

Girlietoo posted 7/4/2014 14:51 PM

Thank you for your response. I means a lot to me. I agree that is what needs to be said, is that how he should say it? What if she says, I don't understand or what do you mean? I don't want my husband to have awkwardness in his place of work but i would also like to see him take more responsibility for this kind of thing- without me directing him to do so.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 7/4/2014 15:00 PM

There are no questions needed when he should say, "I would greatly appreciate if you do not speak to me in that fashion. It makes me uncomfortable."

If she asks why he owes her no answer. The only answer is that it makes me uncomfortable.

918Mama posted 7/4/2014 16:33 PM

I'm also a little concerned about the additional flirting in the message. She misses his witty humour and hopes he's hanging in there??

Two seems like maybe your husband is also getting a little too personal in the work environment. Obviously he's outgoing enough for her to notice it...and miss it. That should stop. He needs to get in and get his job done and get out...all in the most professional way without building personal relationships. People gravitate towards funny people. Then they admire them. Then they lust over them. I'm assuming she knows he's married. The type of message she sent is at best a sign that she has horrible boundaries and at worst, she's fishing.

Second, the hanging in there makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like he's shared something about his life that makes her concerned for him. It could be not feeling well. It could be marital problems. Either case, it's inappropriate.

I think he does need to establish a boundary, but more than that, I think he needs to re-evaluate what he's putting off into the work environment. It's about doing a job, not making friends. Certainly not with females!

[This message edited by 918Mama at 4:33 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 18:08 PM

I completely get what you're saying. You don't want your H to stand out as the office prude, mr. No Fun At Work, and you certainly don't need him saying why he isn't in a position for friendly, flirty work pals.

Maybe he should keep it to work. An example;

Hi XXXXX, Listen, I know you're 'honey's' and 'i miss your wit', etc are all meant in good fun, and there are no intentions behind these comments. However, we are at work, and I've noticed others giving eyes to each other after such comments, as if they can't believe, in this day and age, with HR on everything, that someone is so open and flirty. I'm not saying I think you've done anything wrong, but I'm not the only person here. I'm just telling you this to let you know. If you think it's all silly, so be it, but please, I'd prefer that our relationship remain on a much more professional level."

Or something like that. Give no specifics that can be verified, but make it seem like there seems to be a general feeling that the place as a whole is becoming too 'chummy' for HR, and he's removing himself, just in case.

Do you think that might work? It won't force him to say why HE can't be involved in the too informal chit chat, but it does get him out of it.

I hope this may help - and if not I really hope you're able to find a solution that works for you and your H.

ItsNotUitsMe posted 7/4/2014 20:20 PM

I am a female in a male dominated field. I am friendly and have a sense of humor. I also have rock solid boundaries.

I think if he says anything at all to her, she will assume the reason why. You dont think anything is going on and its seemingly innocent, so if anything is said it will call attention to it.

Given his history, I understand where you are coming from, but I dont agree with saying anything to her unless you truly believe that HER behavior is inappropriate and not that you are concerned that your H may respond inappropriately.

If he decides to say something to her, I definitely dont agree with implying that other people find her behavior unacceptable if that is not true.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 7/4/2014 20:50 PM

^^^^ I disagree. Does it make you uncomfortable? Would it make you feel better if he said something? Then he should do it. Why let something wrong go on? There is nothing wrong with saying please stop. What kind of message is it to say that it would be awkward so don't say anything? That is like when my WH/STBX said he couldn't be NC with COW because it would look weird to everyone. What should be more important to or what everyone else thinks? You should not be ashamed.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:51 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

FixYou71 posted 7/4/2014 20:58 PM

I agree that he should say something and it should not include any reference to you not liking it. He should make his boundaries clear to all females and they should be relayed as HIS boundaries. All the better if it's a work environment where that's not appropriate anyway.
I too would be questioning the wording in her text. Hang in there made me wonder about him over sharing too. Of course that could just be something she says not really knowing how to close a text.

Tearsoflove posted 7/4/2014 21:02 PM

Given his history, I understand where you are coming from, but I dont agree with saying anything to her unless you truly believe that HER behavior is inappropriate and not that you are concerned that your H may respond inappropriately.

If she's not also kissing her female coworkers and calling them honey, her behavior is inappropriate. If her behavior is causing issues with this woman's marriage, it is inappropriate.

He most definitely should say something and he most definitely should leave you out of it. If he says "My wife is uncomfortable with your behavior" it implies that her behavior would be just fine with him otherwise. Kissing the men she works with on the cheek is not professional behavior. And if no one ever says anything about it, this won't be the last time a wife and a husband have issues because of it. I know very few women who want other women kissing their husbands and calling them honey even if they haven't been cheated on. Unless you're my husband's grandmother or mother, keep your lips and other body parts out of his personal space.

ItsNotUitsMe posted 7/4/2014 21:09 PM

I only mentioned that the reason will be assumed because she made it a point to say that she didnt want him to tell the coworker she had anything to do with it or disclose the reason why. My point was that it will be assumed even if he doesnt explain.

I am going on the assumption that the womans behavior is not neccessarily inappropriate. I could be wrong, but thats my gut from reading the post.

Girlietoo posted 7/5/2014 15:57 PM

I'm so confused. I read more emails from her, ones that were strictly work related she always refers to him by his common name and ends them with "regards". Those that are more personal, like the lotto money or one referring to a co-workers wedding she refers to him by his formal name and ends them with take care or be well my friend.

My husband and I just had a huge fight because he says I am constantly beating him down, that his is walking a very straight line. He says he understands why I am triggered and he will say something, for me, but that she truly means nothing by it and speaks that way to everyone.

I'm not even upset with her as I am with him. If he understands why these comments would trigger me, why wait until I say something before addressing it with her. And, please, forgive me if I don't have 100% confidence in his "nothing is going on speech". I know damn well what a slippery slope is and I'm not going to find myself under an avalanche again. This first one nearly killed me.

Btw, her hang in there comment was referring to the fact that he is having to work nights at the moment. Still, fuck off with the familiar comments and stick to business as hand.

Ugh, I feel like a lunatic. One side if me believes what he is telling me, that I am over reacting and I am trying to make him into a unick. The other side of me is screaming to protect myself and not get taken again.

I don't think he will ever get it. I'm so tried of putting my own feelings second. To everyone.

P.s my husband is the guy that everyone loves . He is funny and charming and women love him. His personality is something I originally found attractive in him. Is his way of being with people just part of who he is? Is it fair for me to ask him to to have anything but strictly professional relationships with other women?

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 3:59 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]

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