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Really? I have to start a 180? It never ends - ever

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painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 14:04 PM

Last night, WH and I are in bed. There's a Friends rerun on. Rachel is pregnant. Cue WH to start his - yeah, you're doing just what billions of others have done. It's not a miracle, it's just someone that will be in my way in traffic in 16 years, blah blah blah.'

Yeah, as cold as that is, that isn't the issue. The issue is that, during the A, when he was lying about who he was talking to, he told me that 'person X' and he had a discussion where 'person X' was going on about her friend and her miracle baby and then telling me all the negative things he was saying. I replied with "why do you do that? She's happy about something, and you just have to shit all over it. Why can't you just let someone be happy?"

About 3 months later, I find out person X is actually XGF, and I defended her!!! That's right, he was telling me about his conversation with his girlfriend and I DEFENDED her!!!

I've mentioned this several times, but he doesn't care I guess. So last night, I being with very short, unemotional 'yup' or 'I know, you've said this before' without an expression, or looking at him. He just keeps going and going. I snap. I start yelling "Why don't you just SHUT UP!!! I'm not going to replay a conversation you had with (name of AP). It's disgusting and every time you start this my stomach turns. It's sickening. Just SHUT UP!!!"

He acts like I'm crazy. 'You're yelling at me. I'm just talking and you're yelling at me.' I tell him again, more calmly, he replies with something stupid (not mean, not an apology) and leaves the room.

10 minutes later, I go downstairs. I tell him I'm sorry I yelled. He gets up off the couch, I think to hug me, not sure really, and I say "the thing is, I remember clearly riding in the car as you were telling me about (conversation), and what you did is sick, and it disgusts me. You were telling me conversations you had with your girlfriend. It's just sick." His face goes black. I say "well, you obviously don't feel the same, so I'm going to bed. I just wanted to apologize for yelling."

This is where I know I need to 180 and detach:

He says "well, you see, I didn't realize there would be a quiz later, and that you'd be testing me on every fucking thing that happened, so I don't remember it!" (He gradually went from talking in a snide voice to yelling. I reminded him that he remembered it enough to share it with me, which is disgusting. I get more about taking notes,and then he says something about me "ruining another night." Me? ME???? I said "I ruined this night?" and he keeps on, yes, blah blah blah.

I refused to engage. I say "Ok, I shouldn't have yelled and I wanted to apologize, and I have". and I go back to bed. I waited a half hour to see if he would come upstairs and apologize. Nope.

I slept in (since I couldn't sleep). I woke to him brining me coffee and putting the Twilight Zone on the television for me. I'm just getting up so I don't say too much. Before he's out of the room, I'm already remembering it. He comes back a bit later offering to make me breakfast or more coffee. I don't even look at him "no thanks". He asks what's wrong. I shrug. He says something else meaningless, and then says "Are you sure nothings up?" "Yup" He then giggles and says "OK" so I KNOW he knows what's wrong.

I ruined the night? Why? Because I KNOW WHAT A PIG HE WAS, AND IT STILL BOTHERS ME???

How many of you would want to engage in the same debate you KNEW your WS had engaged in with AP? NONE!!! Fuck him.

So, I'm just ignoring him. Whatever I do this weekend, I do alone. That's fine. I'm really half detached anyway. His remorse is sporadic. His defensiveness is sporadic. His blaming ME for ruining anything because I know what he did and won't pretend I don't is completely, 100% unacceptable!!!

I can't believe this bullshit. I'm not pretending this one didn't happen. I'm not just 'moving on because 98% of the time is good". I refuse.

Why does this just never, ever end???

hopefull77 posted 7/4/2014 14:55 PM

So sorry painfulpast.....I don't know your story..but it really doesn't matter...
I know all I wanted was to feel SAFE...
My H is a 'model' FWH....and I still trigger ...I think the 180 sounds good
do you have plans for this holiday weekend?...if not go see a movie...dive into a good book....I know I did quite a bit of 'retail therapy'
your posts on other threads have been inspirational ..keep posting!
I wish you peace....

FixYou71 posted 7/4/2014 14:56 PM

Yuck. I'm so sorry. I hope for you that he eventually gets it and sees how gross his behavior is.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 15:05 PM


I went downstairs to grab more coffee. He asked if there was some reason I was being so cold. I said, calmly, that the things he said last night were out of line, and that I wasn't trying to bring things up but his response wasn't acceptable.

Well, I started saying that. He cut me off with more crap about how everything ls all my fault and his life sucks and blah blah blah ending with him saying "I want a divorce. I can't do this anymore."

You got it pal. I'm just tired, really, really tired.

thecosmogirl posted 7/4/2014 16:06 PM

(((Big hugs)))
I totally understand where you are. Mine is great most of the time but, then he isn't.
The other day I was having a very bad time and he bursts out with how he was doing all the work and no other man would put up with what I have put him through the last year and still stay around......
Of course my head spun around about 6 times and flames came out of my entire face. I also broke into tears. Thanks pal, I've got the lowest self esteem I've ever had and now I should be kissing your feet because no one else would want me? Really?
Let's twist that knife that you've never removed from my back because you're selfish narcissistic bastard.
I left and called my lawyer.

Lark posted 7/4/2014 16:21 PM

You have every right to be mad. I'd be furious too.

And your husband should have been making you feel safe, validated, understood - he should have been showing remorse, whether he remembers the conversation from before or not. It isn't about "taking notes," it's about recognizing that the pain they've caused the BS is very real and yeah every conversation, every thing we thought was real and we realize it isn't - those all bother us. If they're remorseful they'd understand that, not be defensive about it.


painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 18:01 PM


I'm sorry. You don't deserve that. I don't deserve this. Not a care for our pain, just how our refusal to shut up is affecting them. That's really what it is. I've heard the same - "If you think any other person would put up with your shit, you're insane! You're insane anyway, but anyone else would have probably killed you, and they definitely would have left!!" I never let that get to me, other than him showing his lack of remorse. How do they act so remorseful and caring, and then the truth comes out when they're not up for it??? Well, I know the answer - I'll be making a new post in a minute.

I'm glad you left and called a lawyer. It's a holiday, of course. Thankfully, a really great family friend is one of the best lawyers in the area. I spoke to him a while ago. He gave me some starting instructions on what info to gather, and we're meeting on Monday. I'll be DAMNED if I'm staying with someone that is still so selfish and unconcerned with my feelings. No apology, and more of the same today? Uh, no. Buh bye. I'm so much stronger than I was post DDay, I'll never, ever, be made to feel unwanted, or like a drag on someone's life ever again. You think I'm the problem? Well, let me help you out - I'll remove your problem.

Nice thing is - I am professionally certified and have 2 masters' degrees. I'll be more than fine. We have NO kids together. I have 2 children from my first marriage. They're young adults now.

I know I have issues - again, I'll be posting in general in a minute - but this is HIS issue, and he can deal with it alone. I know what it is - he doesn't want to be reminded of what a pile of garbage he was. Well, guess what?? I'd LOVE to not remember these things. If there was a way to remove these things from my brain, I'd do it right this second. I can't. They are there - all of them - the dates, the songs, the things he said about me and us ( he was with me for money, he found me disgusting, etc) - all so that she would believe he wanted her and wasn't into me. Really? That makes ripping me to shreds ok? FUCK NO!!!

I really appreciate the support, truly. It's been a while since I've needed some real support. I'm so glad I've always been here supporting others. Days like today remind me why this site needs more than those in the midst of mind - numbing hurt.

Thank you, to those that posted, and those that are members here. Thank you.

rachelc posted 7/4/2014 18:04 PM


KatyDo posted 7/4/2014 18:34 PM

Just adding words of support for those of us dealing with inconsistently remorseful wayward spouses. The responses sound familiar, as we who were wronged often find ourselves the target of their anger for exposing something that they have done. It's doubly upsetting because we get injury upon injury.

For some of us, we find their true colours, not only in their cheating ways, but in how they handle attempted reconciliation.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 18:41 PM

For some of us, we find their true colours, not only in their cheating ways, but in how they handle attempted reconciliation.


Yes - they're remorseful when they feel like it, but if not, well screw us for daring to mention it.

Honestly, I just don't care. I'm tired of thinking things are good or great only to be shown that, in the end, my pain is just an inconvenience to him. I want more than that.

He already shattered my esteem with his A. He's not going to keep me down by reminding me that his caring is on his time, and what I need is NOT important.

I deserve more!!!

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 18:50 PM

And I just found out one of my best friend's brothers is dying from Sclerosis. He's been in the hospital for over a week, completely yellow and things are bleak. My friend called me crying.

I hear this, and in addition to feeling so much sympathy for my friend, and sadness at losing his brother, also a friend but not as close, and I realize life is just WAY too short to be put on anyone's back burner!

I've done things in life I regret, that's for sure, but I will never regret not wasting my life by spending it with someone so conditional. There is so much more out there.

I read the WSs here, and I can feel their sadness, their remorse, their willingness to do anything, at any time. In my mind, that is what should be happening. What I'm getting, and thecosmogirl, and so many others, is NOT enough to repair the damage of the A. I didn't ask him to cheat! He had his fun, and now he wants it all to go away. It's going alright - because I'M GOING! Now the only one that will remind him of the damage he's done is him.

I sincerely hope he enjoys it - because he's damned sure earned it.

I know he loves me, and I'm sure that the other WSs that fit this description love their BSs. If they didn't they really would have left. But love alone isn't enough to repair a shattered marriage. Love alone doesn't mend the hurts.

So my H has lost the woman he loves. I gave him 3.5 years to feel remorse 100% of the time. He doesn't. He blames me and says I ruin days or evenings when it comes up. Sorry - but YOU cheated. I didn't bring this into our home, so in my book, any time that is ruined because it comes up HE ruined.

He actually bitched this morning because one of the love songs he sent to his AP (yep, one of THOSE eas, filled with 3rd grade love acts) was the opening song to a movie. He put the movie on and went upstairs. I heard the song, froze, went upstairs and just sat there. He came in, asked what's wrong, I told him to listen, and he ran downstairs and shut it off. He didn't know that song was there, but it was a MASSIVE trigger. Today, I got to hear how 'He got bitched at for 'some' song on a movie!' Some song? Oh, ok. Not some love song you sent to your girlfriend, just 'some song'.

I'm actually getting angry. Why have I stayed with this part time remorseful jackass this long???

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:37 PM

OMG!!! He's asleep on the couch! Glad he's so bothered!!!

Whatever, at least he's not bothering me, right?

I cannot believe I've wasted 3.5 years since DDay. And lets not forget about the slow build of shitty treatment for years before the A started - no Xmas gifts (too commercial), no Bday gifts ( what's to celebrate - no one wants to get older). Just excuse after excuse of why he treated me like shit. And I just 'accepted' it.

Oh, did I mention I have reason to believe he cheated on my not once, but twice, before this A? ONS, both. The first was we were invited to a party with a coworker of mine. I was talking to my coworker and his girlfriend for about an hour. No sign of WH, but i wasn't really looking. On the way home, half drunk, out of nowhere, he blurts out "I cheated on you tonight". I lost it, yelling, asking WHY WHY WHY. He kind of snapped to and said "Oh I was only kidding. I just wanted to see what you'd say." I've never believed that. I asked my co-worker, but he hadn't heard of anything that happened.

A few years later, he spends the night at his grandmothers a few hours north. I go to pick him up at the halfway point. His mother says (without thinking) about Rick staying out all night. Hmmmm. I ask, and he says she's lying and that SHE was the one out all night, and that he was just waiting at the bottom of the hill because he couldn't go back without her. Hmmmm. Fast forward a few months, and we're arguing, and he says 'you want a phone number? Her you go!" and hands me a CD case. OMG, WHY DIDN'T I OPEN IT??? STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! About a month later, I check his wallet. A phone number (same first 3 digits as where grandmother lives) and the name 'Merrilee". I call her. She's at work. I call later. She says yes, they were together. They didn't have sex, but did everything else. She's sorry, and she knows what this means. He gets home. I'm screaming and crying. He yells at ME, says Merrilee is his old babysitter and is cousins with his ex, and said that to get me to dump him, and belittles me for calling.

And of course, the night I woke up at 2:30. He's nowhere. There's a table in front of the basement door, so I know he's not down there, since he couldn't put the table back from the other side of the door. The next morning, I ask him where the F he was. He starts screaming, claiming he was in the basement. I start to explain about the table, and he goes insane, not letting me get a word in edgewise. He went absolutely nuts. Every time it came up, he would freak out. Years later, he says "Oh, I was playing cards with the guys - I told you that a long time ago, but I knew you'd be pissed so I lied at first, but that's where I was. This was YEARS later. There was no possible way to check.

So, to me, he cheated 3 times (ONS) and then the EA with the EX.

So 4 cheats. Yeah, I've been a complete fool. I need this to end. No one is worth this kind of disrespect. Fuck him.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/5/2014 08:16 AM

So 4 cheats. Yeah, I've been a complete fool. I need this to end. No one is worth this kind of disrespect. Fuck him.

He's lucky you stayed as long as you did.

He uttered the magic words "I want a divorce." I would have been at my lawyers before he finished the sentence.

Your new life is waiting for you. You're my new hero.

painfulpast posted 7/5/2014 09:19 AM

I would have been at the lawyers, but it's a holiday. Called a lawyer though - friend of the family. I'm working on this.

I'm just D-O-N-E

Skan posted 7/5/2014 18:07 PM

Good for you, painfulpast and thecosmogirl. Get those bitch boots on and start making some big strides. (((hugs)))

tired girl posted 7/5/2014 20:22 PM

Remorse is not sporadic. Regret is.

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