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Please talk me off the ledge!!

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painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 19:22 PM

OK - there's a guy I've known for a long, long, looooooong time. I know he's interested in me. He's always respected that I was married, but he's definitely interested. He's good looking, nice, stable, etc. And he's divorced and unattached.

Right now, I'm so upset, feeling so low and unappreciated, and angry. I'm seriously thinking of calling him and seeing if he's up for some drinks.

I know - BAD MOVE. I'm in no frame of mind. I know that. But God help me, I want someone to actually act like they WANT me around, and worse, I want my WH to feel 1/10th of the pain of being pushed aside. I can't believe I'm even thinking this. I'm just a mess.

I'm angry at having wasted 3.5 years with someone that is still just all about him. How did I do that? WTF was I thinking? After the A, I'm still just lying to myself, wanting things to be what I want them to be. Jesus, what is wrong with me?

I know logically I shouldn't do this, but dammit, I'm not kidding, I really, really want to rub my H's nose in his own shit.

Badhurt posted 7/4/2014 19:30 PM

You are going to have a lot of guys note rested in you, but right now you are going to be an easy target. That guy will be there or others will.
If you go out with him , you are going to have an eve better time than you might of none of this was going on because you want to have a good time.
You can easily do this if you want to. And you will get the male attention. You may even feel good about it temporarily. But au think if you wind up having sex with this guy. Not sure you will feel great about it once the high wears off.
But in the end you need to do what you need

MovingUpward posted 7/4/2014 19:36 PM

The problem is that if you do this you will not be rubbing your H's nose in his shit. You'll be rubbing his nose in your shit. Shit that you will have to live with and deal with.

I understand that the need for attention is running high in you right now, but don't let yourself make the mistake to run with it and call this guy. Your first focus is your marriage. If you find that you are done with your marriage then take the right steps to end it. Don't create a mess that you will have to deal with for a long time.

Schadenfreude posted 7/4/2014 19:37 PM

So you're going to use this nice, stable, respectful,guy to get back at WH? A guy who might be here for you if/when D finally happens? Plus, you've known him a long time, so it isn't like he'd feel used or anything. He'd simply be helping an old friend......

Respectfully, this doesn't sound like a really good plan. And I doubt he'd want you around for long under those circumstances, causing yet more feeling of rejection or abandonment.

If he's really a good guy, not just a dog running the streets, he probably doesn't want to be a pawn in a revenge affair, or any other affair with a married woman.

Asking him for a drink is false advertising. Why not tell him to read,your posting and then see if he's interested. Hey,the kids these days "hook up" , don't they? FWB situation?

And, should he develop genuine feelings for you, he'll end up hurting, too.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 7:50 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

simplydevastated posted 7/4/2014 19:45 PM

I know he's interested in me. He's always respected that I was married, but he's definitely interested

If he's interested in you then that says right there that he doesn't respect you or your marriage.

I'm angry at having wasted 3.5 years with someone that is still just all about him.

If this is the way your husband feels then nothing you do will make him feel the pain you do.

It's not worth losing your self respect our morals over this.

Sending you strength and (((HUGS)))

I know the lonely feeling you have right now. It hurts.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 19:46 PM

You're all right. I'm putting the idea to bed.

God dammit - I want my H to hurt. I really, really do. It's wrong, and petty, and not helpful to me at all, but right now, this minute, I want him to suffer.

I know this is my hurt talking. I'm pushing it off by getting angry. I know this, but I'm letting it happen because I'm sick of hurting. I'm just sick of it.

nowiknow23 posted 7/4/2014 19:46 PM

Honey - you are too damn smart to make that mistake. Back the truck up.

nowiknow23 posted 7/4/2014 19:47 PM

Cross posted with you. Glad to see you're backing away from it. (((((painfulpast))))

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 19:47 PM

Thanks NIK - that really made me smile.

I just can't do this anymore.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 19:49 PM

I just took the battery out of my phone and put it in another room. This way, I'll have 3 minutes minimum to rethink my stance should I get this stupid idea again.

Thanks all. Really - you just stopped me from making what would be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Badhurt posted 7/4/2014 19:50 PM

Good decision. Simply Devastated said it right. If your "friend" really was a nice guy and respected you he would not be expressing his interest to a married woman

And the other lost was right. Your husband probably would not be as hurt as you think

simplydevastated posted 7/4/2014 19:50 PM

I'm sick of hurting. I'm just sick of it.

This breaks my heart for you.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 19:53 PM

About my friend - he's never expressed interest. He's said things like "Why do you stay with WH? You deserve better" and "If I was married to you, I would appreciate every second of it"

We've know each other forever. He was burned, badly, in a divorce. There was definitely a feeling of support in those comments, not of hitting on me.

The thing is- we've never both been single at the same time. It's just always been 'not good timing'. We've never discussed it outright, and neither has ever made any moves. It's just there.

He really is a good guy. He's not hitting on his married friend, any more than I hit on him when he was married and I was single.

Sorry if the wrong idea came across. There's never been any inappropriate conversations, sexual innuendo, or anything else.

Schadenfreude posted 7/4/2014 19:59 PM

You didn't get talked,off the ledge, a whole bunch of would be superheroes flew in a grabbed you off of it. And who says nobody posts on holiday weekends?

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 20:03 PM

a whole bunch of would be superheroes flew in a grabbed you off of it.

THIS^^^^^^^ So very true. You guys are amazing. Thank you

yearsofpain25 posted 7/4/2014 20:14 PM

Hey PP. Can't add anything that hasn't already been said. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. You're stronger than you think and a great person. Stay strong.


painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 20:22 PM

Thanks YOP!!

I'm not feeling strong right now. This isn't me. This ISN'T me!! I've been through SO MUCH WORSE!!!

I need to back away from the sitch and look at it like I was reading a post here - and THEN decide what to do.

Knowing how to deal with something is SO much easier when it's not you, kwim?

Again - you guys are all amazing. I'm so thankful for SI - I love everyone here, seriously. Thousands of people, all hurt and knocked down, all back up and helping others up. Amazing, truly amazing.

nekorb posted 7/4/2014 20:28 PM

Slow your roll there, PP!

You've gotten great advice so I don't have much to add.

Think about how you feel about your WH and then imagine yourself stopping to his level. Do you really want to go there??

No you don't.

Go take a bath or something.


Schadenfreude posted 7/4/2014 20:28 PM

This is the sort of thread that dubious counselors should read. Some apparently think,we're just a bunch of amateur meddlers. This keeps me here.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/4/2014 20:36 PM

But you are a strong person. Look at everything you have been through. Deep down the last thing you want is some sort of borderline mad hatter move. Never mind WH, you yourself have much better boundaries for yourself than this. That's how I know you're a strong person. Staying strong is a mind set. Like Nekorb said, go do something and get yourself back in that mind set.

You can do this!!

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