Well, I'm back. I have been off trying to heal, move in, you know the pattern, but right now, I'm in pain and upset. Maybe it's just me but it feels awful. I'm sorry this is long, and I don't blame you for not reading.
This past weekend was my birthday weekend, and I told WS that I needed him to show me I'm special to him on my birthday. I have massive difficulty feeling special since d-day.
Background: last year on my birthday, he allowed a client to sit around our home for hours and then they went to lunch. The afternoon was taken up with another person added to the mix. I was at home. The day was pretty bad. We went to dinner a few nights later. Previous birthdays were so random-forgotten, barely acknowledged, and some were unpleasant due to his demeanor.
I really needed this year to be different, for him to step it up. He agreed and wanted to take me away for my birthday. We planned a very nice trip.
The first night when we returned from dinner, I was surprised with champagne. I hadn't been feeling very well after dinner, so I asked if we could delay opening it awhile. We relaxed and watched some TV- there was a couch, but he sat across the room. I started feeling better after about a half hour but by then he seemed preoccupied by his phone, so I picked up my iPad and announced, "Well, I guess I'll ck FB." I did, and answered the birthday wishes I had gotten. He was still either looking at his phone or iPad. I gave up on any romantic champagne toast and went to take a shower. Was he nit enjoying being with me? It felt like it.
He eventually came out of his daze and asked about opening the champagne (which he did) and went himself to take a shower. After that he was present and things went well.
It was a nice trip, but several times I asked him why he was distracted and he denied anything was on his mind. At that point I had was really thinking that he was wishing he was somewhere else or with someone else.
The day after our trip, he had to go on a short day trip to meetings. His behavior over the weekend made me uneasy, followed by him now being out of town. So I started checking the cell bill. Not another woman that I can tell. That's good. But he had been reading and answering texts that night of the champagne to a work colleague- a male that doesn't have boundaries about texting and calling at all hours. There was nothing at all important going on (WH admits that) but he couldn't resist breaking his 'no late night work texting and calls' (it was 10:30pm and I was sitting waiting across the room hoping for him to remember I was there) by engaging in texting.
I confronted him when he got home and he reverted back to the aggressive pre-therapy stance he used when caught doing something wrong, and attacked me for being unrealistic. I reminded him that he had made a promise that he broke, and had hidden it from me. He then admitted to feeling bad about doing it. But what about the otter two texts at 11:30 pm that show on the phone bill but are no linger in his phone? It seemed like a simple thing to follow through on, and the deception made things worse. He said that it was only two texts, and felt that I was overreacting. Remember there are the other texts two on the phone bill. He further went on to say that he absolutely had not checked or returned email, at least.
Oops- when I checked his email accounts, it turns out that wasn't true either. He had read his emails and had returned answers to two of them. I hadn't seen him do it because in one case I was in a restroom while traveling, and another he was out of the car, by the back corner where I couldn't see while he pumped gas. I felt like it was d-day all over again with the deception, aggressive attitude when caught, followed by trying to convince me I'm overly controlling of his behavior.
I expected him to honor himself and me by keeping to his promises. If he had a logical reason not to, then I deserved an updated promise. And I didn't deserve the regression in his behavior to trigger me further. He made the promise- and just like the promise of his vows, he discarded them and then when caught, acted like I was just ridiculous in my silly expectations.
I'm mad. I've fought with him about this. He's promised to be better about honesty in the past. To show more respect of our marriage and, quite frankly, more respect for his own honor. We are not far enough in healing our marriage to have deception dealt with easily. It's painful. It's full of triggers- and he knows it.
I had thought we could start the road to R (Sept will be 2 years post d-day) but it seems like he self-destructs. Does he just not get it that I am watching his behavior and have turned off the sound? If he can't keep simple promises, what am I to think? And he poured gasoline on it by lying when asked.
I need a man who can keep to what he says- not pretend to. I can't believe him, can't trust him- I'm back to the no trust feeling of d-day. There was another small lie a few months ago that was a set back. Now this. I can never just heal! There is no room for this- we are too fragile. I am still too wounded. He says, "It's not like I slept with another woman! It was just one text!" Um, no. Add in other texts and two emails.
If you've read all the way through, thank you.
I'm back at the gate again, and it's stupid. I'll never get to heal with him, I am coming to realize. I hate infidelity.