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Not what I thought, but painful

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SoVerySadNow posted 7/4/2014 19:28 PM

Well, I'm back. I have been off trying to heal, move in, you know the pattern, but right now, I'm in pain and upset. Maybe it's just me but it feels awful. I'm sorry this is long, and I don't blame you for not reading.

This past weekend was my birthday weekend, and I told WS that I needed him to show me I'm special to him on my birthday. I have massive difficulty feeling special since d-day.

Background: last year on my birthday, he allowed a client to sit around our home for hours and then they went to lunch. The afternoon was taken up with another person added to the mix. I was at home. The day was pretty bad. We went to dinner a few nights later. Previous birthdays were so random-forgotten, barely acknowledged, and some were unpleasant due to his demeanor.
I really needed this year to be different, for him to step it up. He agreed and wanted to take me away for my birthday. We planned a very nice trip.

The first night when we returned from dinner, I was surprised with champagne. I hadn't been feeling very well after dinner, so I asked if we could delay opening it awhile. We relaxed and watched some TV- there was a couch, but he sat across the room. I started feeling better after about a half hour but by then he seemed preoccupied by his phone, so I picked up my iPad and announced, "Well, I guess I'll ck FB." I did, and answered the birthday wishes I had gotten. He was still either looking at his phone or iPad. I gave up on any romantic champagne toast and went to take a shower. Was he nit enjoying being with me? It felt like it.
He eventually came out of his daze and asked about opening the champagne (which he did) and went himself to take a shower. After that he was present and things went well.

It was a nice trip, but several times I asked him why he was distracted and he denied anything was on his mind. At that point I had was really thinking that he was wishing he was somewhere else or with someone else.

The day after our trip, he had to go on a short day trip to meetings. His behavior over the weekend made me uneasy, followed by him now being out of town. So I started checking the cell bill. Not another woman that I can tell. That's good. But he had been reading and answering texts that night of the champagne to a work colleague- a male that doesn't have boundaries about texting and calling at all hours. There was nothing at all important going on (WH admits that) but he couldn't resist breaking his 'no late night work texting and calls' (it was 10:30pm and I was sitting waiting across the room hoping for him to remember I was there) by engaging in texting.

I confronted him when he got home and he reverted back to the aggressive pre-therapy stance he used when caught doing something wrong, and attacked me for being unrealistic. I reminded him that he had made a promise that he broke, and had hidden it from me. He then admitted to feeling bad about doing it. But what about the otter two texts at 11:30 pm that show on the phone bill but are no linger in his phone? It seemed like a simple thing to follow through on, and the deception made things worse. He said that it was only two texts, and felt that I was overreacting. Remember there are the other texts two on the phone bill. He further went on to say that he absolutely had not checked or returned email, at least.

Oops- when I checked his email accounts, it turns out that wasn't true either. He had read his emails and had returned answers to two of them. I hadn't seen him do it because in one case I was in a restroom while traveling, and another he was out of the car, by the back corner where I couldn't see while he pumped gas. I felt like it was d-day all over again with the deception, aggressive attitude when caught, followed by trying to convince me I'm overly controlling of his behavior.

I expected him to honor himself and me by keeping to his promises. If he had a logical reason not to, then I deserved an updated promise. And I didn't deserve the regression in his behavior to trigger me further. He made the promise- and just like the promise of his vows, he discarded them and then when caught, acted like I was just ridiculous in my silly expectations.

I'm mad. I've fought with him about this. He's promised to be better about honesty in the past. To show more respect of our marriage and, quite frankly, more respect for his own honor. We are not far enough in healing our marriage to have deception dealt with easily. It's painful. It's full of triggers- and he knows it.

I had thought we could start the road to R (Sept will be 2 years post d-day) but it seems like he self-destructs. Does he just not get it that I am watching his behavior and have turned off the sound? If he can't keep simple promises, what am I to think? And he poured gasoline on it by lying when asked.
I need a man who can keep to what he says- not pretend to. I can't believe him, can't trust him- I'm back to the no trust feeling of d-day. There was another small lie a few months ago that was a set back. Now this. I can never just heal! There is no room for this- we are too fragile. I am still too wounded. He says, "It's not like I slept with another woman! It was just one text!" Um, no. Add in other texts and two emails.

If you've read all the way through, thank you.
I'm back at the gate again, and it's stupid. I'll never get to heal with him, I am coming to realize. I hate infidelity.

MovingUpward posted 7/4/2014 19:46 PM

I confronted him when he got home and he reverted back to the aggressive pre-therapy stance he used when caught doing something wrong, and attacked me for being unrealistic

It sounds like he's reverted back to old behaviors. That has to be tough and disheartening. Is he still in therapy? When is the next appointment or how soon could he restart?

mandolin555 posted 7/4/2014 19:52 PM

To be honest...very, very sound a bit controlling and unrealistic. Do you want a man you have to police and monitor of a man do sweet things for you on your birthday? Annnnnnnd not cheat on you.

1. Choose your battles. When and what he texts about (outside of texting women) is not worth it and will make him despise you...furthermore, he's a grown up.

2. Be direct. No more passive aggressive comments. (I guess I'll just check my facebook....*since you seem to be preoccupied as usual with your phone...but trust me, I'll be checking up on who you are texting and even if it's not a'll still suffer because you made me suffer*)

3. Your husband can't read minds.

mandolin555 posted 7/4/2014 19:58 PM

I came off to harsh in that post...I've just learned from experience that if you're pissed off and hurt about EVERYTHING...your husband won't even try. He's still the dick who cheated but you made the choice to give him a chance. Start by really seeing his positives and rewarding that behavior. In the end he will adore you and that's what you want, right?

[This message edited by mandolin555 at 7:59 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

SoVerySadNow posted 7/4/2014 20:28 PM

Yes, he's still in therapy. After the other lie I caught him in, he immediately scheduled additional (between) sessions with his therapist. This time, he's not as upset. And I guess the therapist is away. I asked if there was a possibility of a phone call, but he was disinterested.

Mandolin, I have indeed told him this week that I can't be his police. He needs to be honorable to himself, and his promises. I can't be his mom. And you're right, I need to deal with my feelings that I wasn't worth being faithful to (I know this is not how I should think-) and try to out myself out there again- being vulnerable to him is hard after some issues we've had between us. Self esteem issues are huge for me even after two years. It goes back to verbal comparisons he made that I now know were completely wrong and foggy. He said hurtful things to make be go away.

He may be slipping along on a slippery slope. I'm not sure. What I didn't say was that the slippery slope back to behaviors that he wanted to leave in the past is something that he has repeatedly done prior to now. Not infidelity, he says. But he has an addictive personality and he continually has to check himself. There are some things he just simply avoids.

Keeping promises is something that I've been gaging his progress by, that and his honesty. He's had excellent apparent actions many times when he was doing other things behind the scenes and keeping things from me. It's a trigger for me, I admit. He was the one that came up with and made the promise of no work (he's a workaholic) and I accepted it.

I haven't decided to R yet, actually. This trip was to help make the decision, we hoped. He's moved along fairly well in therapy and we hoped to move forward.

I posted this to gain other views and opinions, and I appreciate the comments here. Thank you.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 8:30 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

painpaingoaway posted 7/5/2014 07:53 AM

I expected him to honor himself and me by keeping to his promises.
I love that statement. That's really what it's all about isn't it?

Over the years, I have come to the conclusion that there are precious few of us in this old world that really live by those words. And, sadly, I have come to the conclusion that of the people in my immediate circle of family and friends, there are only 2 people that I truly believe stick to that concept, and those two people are my adult daughter, and my younger brother.

I believe it comes from the family of origin. I was raised in a family that set the bar high for character. Character/honor/honestly was valued more than perhaps anything else. It wasn't even something I thought about, it just was.

I think there are those people that pretend to have character, and can maintain and fool the rest of us until the going gets rough, then falter and try to cast the blame to others, and then there are those that live and die by their word. They are simply cut from different cloth, and I really don't know if it is possible for a grown adult to develop true character. I think this is something that has to be instilled in a child from a very very young age.

I hadn't seen him do it because in one case I was in a restroom while traveling, and another he was out of the car, by the back corner where I couldn't see while he pumped gas. I felt like it was d-day all over again with the deception, aggressive attitude when caught, followed by trying to convince me I'm overly controlling of his behavior.
^^^^this says it all^^^^ He is choosing to deceive you or else he would not wait for you to go to the restroom before he did it. This is not a 'slip-up' which I believe could be forgiven, but deliberate deception. I don't believe you are too 'controlling' at all. You have asked for complete honesty, and it is not important enough to him to keep that promise.

I'm so sorry.

SoVerySadNow posted 7/5/2014 08:29 AM

Thank you Pain. Yes, I also think character issues are formed early. WH FOO is full of cheating, lying, deception. He blames many of his issues on FOO. I have plenty of FOO issues myself but I've never cheated in the slightest. That's one of the main things he's working on in therapy. He has a problem with lying that takes the forefront in his self awareness work from time to time. It's gotten him into significant trouble.

Lying was a huge issue always. It's a real trigger for me. It's probably the most specific request I have made of him during our marriage and since D-day, beyond not cheating. No lying, no deception. No gas lighting.

I knew that he realized what he had done when he said he had felt guilty immediately after texting that night instead of being present. I suggested that he move that feeling up to before he does something that he's decided he will not do. Even feeling guilty is relatively new for him. I am happy for that progress. Maybe he can use that to be firm in his his boundaries. Even now he is saying that he wasn't hiding, though. Odd that I didn't see him, just wondered. It's old patterning that he says he has left behind. It's his problem to become someone I would want to be with, not my problem to force him into it. I want him to want to be a better man because he wants to, to not cheat because he doesn't want to.

Believe me, I want to move forward and heal, and sometimes I can wrap my head around R. I just don't want to be moving backwards.

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