Thanks everybody for being so understanding. Today I feel kind of silly for even thinking some of the things I have. Unfortunately instead of making rational thoughts and expressing them to WS, I expressed pure raw emotion. Its good sometimes, but sometimes things are better left unsaid. I could tell I really hurt him last night. I told him I feared he was just going to leave me after she was born. He looked like he wanted to cry. He said "how could you look at me like that and really think im that low of a person." My first thought was sort of harsh lacking my normal compassion...(how could you get another woman pregnant) but i held it in. I then felt really bad. Do I really view him that low of a person? No.
Theres one thing I do know though. That for 2 of these 7 years there is one person he loved more then anybody and that was himself. His wants, his needs, his feelings. They ALWAYS came first. Sometimes, I feel its only a matter of time before that man comes back.
Hes been doing a lot of work. Not perfect, but I dont expect him to be. I know just like this is hard for me, its hard for him. Im sure everytime she contacts him he is upset. The constant reminder of how bad he messed up. It brings up feelings in me that cause me pain and to think irrationaly so im sure it does him too. Im sure he wishes he could just hit the erase button everytime. Act as if she never existed, like he never did the things he did. Everytime she contacts him he has to re-live the pain hes caused me and im sure it bothers him. No matter what kind of day were having....Its got to bother him that one message from her can send us in a downward spiral, and its because I havent let go.
Last night he said I wasnt doing the work. It pissed me off. How dare he tell me that IM NOT DOING THE WORK. But in a sense, he is right. HE is doing a LOT of changing, a LOT of differences. He opens up, hes honest, and he volunteers information to me now. And for the most part I feel we are on the right track. Its just those days like yesterday, where hormones kick in and the pot overflows with things ive kept simmering. It takes both of us to keep this going. Everytime she writes him, I cant just lose myself into negativity. I need to give him the credit hes due. Not saying complete trust, but some. If I never take these steps to just let it be what it is, and I always live in the past and in fear, we will never work. I do need to start going off facts. Fact is I KNOW she will always be mad, I know she will always look for some way to interrupt us especially when she knows were doing good. I HAVE to leave it up to him to make sure he keeps her at bay, because I cant. I can only do so much. Its scary to give him the reigns but I think its time.....
I cried more last night. I realized that if I dont let this go, or if I cant let this go, we WILL NOT work. I cant always blame him. Sure the situation is his fault. I still need his compassion, his attention, and his understanding. But I WILL lose him if I dont get a grip. I need to start doing some action. Maybe going for walks when she does contact so I can clear my head, that way I dont take my emotions out on him. Or exercise (which I cant do much of now), SOMETHING. Meditation, prayer, whatever. I need to do something.
I can honestly say though, there is not one thing that I want more then my family to be together. I want him and our children to be happy. I dont care about money, our jobs, our cars, or whatever. I just want us to be strong, so im going to make sure I do whatever I need to, to ensure we get there.