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DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 7/4/2014 20:34 PM

I hate when my mind goes here. WS and I have been doing pretty good. Ive been feeling pretty confident. Yesterday we celebrated our 7 year anniversary. He posted on his fb that he loved me, and how much he appreciated me standing by him through everything. Then tagged me in it with my first name and his last name. It made me feel good. He post about me a lot in the last few months. I wrote one yesterday also to him (i never get on fb) saying how much I love him and how thankful I am to have him in my life. That hes my strength my weakness yadda yadda yadda. Things I feel regardless of the pain hes caused me. They both got a few hundred likes and even shares. People stating they wish they had someone who felt how we do about eachother (of course they dont know all the shit weve gone through)

Today I was just thinking how ow has not contacted in a while which feels nice. I feel it gives me time to heal and forgive. Even forgive her, but of course she wrote today. Its like if I even think about her for more then 5 minutes in a row, she senses it and comes to fuck my world up. All she wrote was "I fucking hate you". I just started laughing. I dont know why. Does it make me happy when she mad...yeah probably. I was more so laughing at the fact that shes so unhappy with the man she swore to be hers. Im not sure what she was so mad about. Im sure something to do with facebook. Maybe she thought we got married, maybe she heard his new song. Who knows, and who cares. At this point she needs to accept reality. Reality is he is where he wants to be.....


Well here come the thoughts. The ones that make me feel sooooooo low. We still have yet to talk about what made her so upset and really should it matter as long as were good. Should it matter if she is always going to be upset and unhappy? Shouldnt all the matters be how were doing? Yeah, I think so. But sometimes I feel her feelings may be an indication of whats going on behind the scenes. What HAS he told her that he HASNT told me? I dont care if it was game or his way of avoiding confrontation with her, i want to know. Everything.

Now im im 33 weeks pregnant...what if hes just waiting for me to give birth and then hes going to leave? If youve followed my story we've chosen adoption for this child. As much as its going to kill me, i know its best. (That is a whole other story im sure ill post soon about) What if he just wants me to sign the rights over then leave? What if hes been telling her he wont marry me because hes going to leave? Or even, did he have her at my house while Ive been at work today? My gut says he would never do that...but fear can be overwhelming. I hate when i have these feelings. No matter how good we do they will never go away. I explained some of this and he listened. I didnt want to get to into it because I felt the tears coming to my eyes but im going to when i get home. Hopefully ill see sincerity in his eyes.....

Anyways just had to get it out. I know it was all over the place but it just sucks. I just wish it wasnt tarnished. I will never be able to give 100% of myself again.

oh and if you havent followed my story...he has a child with ow. so currently not NC...maybe we'll never be.

[This message edited by DTERMINED2SURVIV at 8:36 PM, July 4th (Friday)]

kiki1 posted 7/4/2014 21:10 PM

I understand. Its so crazy living like this now. I hate it at times. Keep hanging on. You have that little one to take care of. Dont waste time talking about ow. Shes jealous. Too bad. Happy 4th

Schadenfreude posted 7/4/2014 21:25 PM

You should not concern yourself with whether she is unhappy, much less why she is.

But if you need to know,,it's because he chose you and dumped's probably that simple. Just like High School was in retrospect.

MovingUpward posted 7/4/2014 21:55 PM

Yep put her out of your mind. If you can blocker then do so. Focus on the good stuff and don't let her ruin the joy of each day together.

AML04 posted 7/5/2014 06:36 AM

Fear can be very overwhelming. We can never truly know what someone is thinking so we have to go by actions.

She is jealous. Try not to reads anymore into it than that. Take care of yourself sweety.

Jrazz posted 7/5/2014 11:44 AM

We can never truly know what someone is thinking so we have to go by actions.

So true.

It's a heck of an extra challenge when they have a child together.

Are you able to talk to him when these feelings come up? When I am able to frame these feelings in a "Here's what's jogging through my brain, and I'm not currently upset with you but I need help." my FWH is much more open to helping me process the feelings.


DTERMINED2SURVIV posted 7/5/2014 17:37 PM

Thanks everybody for being so understanding. Today I feel kind of silly for even thinking some of the things I have. Unfortunately instead of making rational thoughts and expressing them to WS, I expressed pure raw emotion. Its good sometimes, but sometimes things are better left unsaid. I could tell I really hurt him last night. I told him I feared he was just going to leave me after she was born. He looked like he wanted to cry. He said "how could you look at me like that and really think im that low of a person." My first thought was sort of harsh lacking my normal compassion...(how could you get another woman pregnant) but i held it in. I then felt really bad. Do I really view him that low of a person? No.

Theres one thing I do know though. That for 2 of these 7 years there is one person he loved more then anybody and that was himself. His wants, his needs, his feelings. They ALWAYS came first. Sometimes, I feel its only a matter of time before that man comes back.

Hes been doing a lot of work. Not perfect, but I dont expect him to be. I know just like this is hard for me, its hard for him. Im sure everytime she contacts him he is upset. The constant reminder of how bad he messed up. It brings up feelings in me that cause me pain and to think irrationaly so im sure it does him too. Im sure he wishes he could just hit the erase button everytime. Act as if she never existed, like he never did the things he did. Everytime she contacts him he has to re-live the pain hes caused me and im sure it bothers him. No matter what kind of day were having....Its got to bother him that one message from her can send us in a downward spiral, and its because I havent let go.

Last night he said I wasnt doing the work. It pissed me off. How dare he tell me that IM NOT DOING THE WORK. But in a sense, he is right. HE is doing a LOT of changing, a LOT of differences. He opens up, hes honest, and he volunteers information to me now. And for the most part I feel we are on the right track. Its just those days like yesterday, where hormones kick in and the pot overflows with things ive kept simmering. It takes both of us to keep this going. Everytime she writes him, I cant just lose myself into negativity. I need to give him the credit hes due. Not saying complete trust, but some. If I never take these steps to just let it be what it is, and I always live in the past and in fear, we will never work. I do need to start going off facts. Fact is I KNOW she will always be mad, I know she will always look for some way to interrupt us especially when she knows were doing good. I HAVE to leave it up to him to make sure he keeps her at bay, because I cant. I can only do so much. Its scary to give him the reigns but I think its time.....

I cried more last night. I realized that if I dont let this go, or if I cant let this go, we WILL NOT work. I cant always blame him. Sure the situation is his fault. I still need his compassion, his attention, and his understanding. But I WILL lose him if I dont get a grip. I need to start doing some action. Maybe going for walks when she does contact so I can clear my head, that way I dont take my emotions out on him. Or exercise (which I cant do much of now), SOMETHING. Meditation, prayer, whatever. I need to do something.

I can honestly say though, there is not one thing that I want more then my family to be together. I want him and our children to be happy. I dont care about money, our jobs, our cars, or whatever. I just want us to be strong, so im going to make sure I do whatever I need to, to ensure we get there.

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