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painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 20:55 PM

Probably not a new idea, but the 180 itself is here to stay. So why not have a place where everyone that is currently implementing the 180 to write about some items they're proud of, or had trouble with, or just have a question.

At each turn, or when we're proud, or scared, or unsure, we can post here. ANYONE can post here and give support, advice, etc. It's not JUST for those implementing the 180, but it is to support those in the 180, if that makes sense.

So here's the 180, in all it's magnificent glorious wisdom:

1 - Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2 - No frequent phone calls.
3 - Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4 - Don't follow her/him around the house.
5 - Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6 - Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7 - Don't ask for reassurances.
8 - Don't buy or give gifts.
9 - Don't schedule dates together.
10 - Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11 - Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12 - Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13 - Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14 - When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15 - If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16 - Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17 - Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18 - No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19 - All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20 - Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21 - Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22 - Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23 - Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24 - Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25 - Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26 - Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27 - Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28 - Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29 - Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30 - Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31 - Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32 - Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33 - When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 20:57 PM

So - I'll be going with #13 - Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

I've already found my drum sticks (that's right - female drummer here lol) and I'll be back in the basement in the morning, practicing until my arms fall off. That's for ME, and not another living soul. It gives ME pleasure, and shows the world that I'm just fine doing my own thing.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/4/2014 21:05 PM

You rock PP. This is a great post. Take charge.

Have fun rockin out. I'm a bass player myself.

LosferWords posted 7/4/2014 21:09 PM

Really great post.

Guitarist here. Shall we start a band?

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:27 PM

Shall we start a band?

HELL YEAH!!! I have a full set. I started again right after DDay, but of course WH wanted to 'help' and I felt like it wasn't mine. I then found a place to take horseback riding lessons. He wanted to go. I used that as something for 'us', but I really wasn't into a joint venture yet, so it ended soon.

I warn you, any time this A or M stuff gets to me, I play angry music - GodSmack, Metallica, Seether, etc. Hitting those drums to that - there's nothing like it.

LosferWords posted 7/4/2014 21:30 PM

That is cool as hell, painfulpast. No worries, I can hang with you! One of the first bands I played in was a death/hardcore metal band... with a female drummer.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/4/2014 21:30 PM

awesome PP. I know Losfer and I have similar tastes from the threads in F&G. I think the 3 of us would get along swimmingly musically.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:40 PM

Then we're in!!

OK, we can skype this - but I'm on the east coast. Give me time to practice, and we will KILL this.

Oh, I know an absolutely amazingly talented guitar player. He just graduated high school, but he's one of the best. He's had several teachers have to let him go because he's better than them. He had a world renowned instructor from Germany giving him lessons, and even he had to say there wasn't much left to teach. Give me a minute to find a youtube of him.

I've known his dad forever, and his stepmom is my best friend. He's shy as hell. I told him I wanted him to autograph about 1,000 things for me, so that when he hit it big, I could retire :)

I'll find a link to a youtube shot. BRB

LosferWords posted 7/4/2014 21:42 PM

That works. I'll play rhythm guitar.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:43 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mgoYyIxfHk

This is him, at 15. That's their basement lol

He's incredible.

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:45 PM

That works. I'll play rhythm guitar.

Seriously, check him out. Oh, that basement has a stage set up in it, with all required electrical, etc.

We're totally SET

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 21:46 PM

OK - so the band is:

painful past - drums
YOP - Base
Losferwords - rhythm guitar
Ryan Beevers - Lead Guitar

Singers? anyone a singer?

yearsofpain25 posted 7/4/2014 21:52 PM

I'm going to have to get my chops back. I haven't played seriously in years. I'm soooo looking forward to this.

And we already have our stage names (our users) if we want to do the Slipknot type thing. They are all apt metal names. Specially the Iron Maiden Losfer Words

painfulpast posted 7/4/2014 22:03 PM

I'm hitting the set first thing tomorrow, and I'm staying down there all day. I love playing!!!

Imissmyhusb posted 7/4/2014 22:47 PM

I cant sing nope, but i wish i could

I need to work on 18 and 28. Its hard for me to talk to him abt the M or the A without breaking down.

painfulpast posted 7/5/2014 10:00 AM

OK - finishing off my coffee, and then it's on to the drums!!!

180, 180, 180, 180, 180

thecosmogirl posted 7/5/2014 10:30 AM

I sing. I don't really like my own voice but, people tell me I'm really good. I was in an all girl hard rock band many moons ago, lol
My most requested karaoke song is Crazy by Patsy Cline. My voicebox was scratched by a doctor as a child so, my voice is deeper than it should be.
I'm into a lot of loud angry music these days too. I've blown out one of the speakers in my truck.
My oldest son is a guitarist and singer and mostly plays heavy metal/death rock or whatever you call it. I will have to take some lessons from him :)

ButterflyGirl posted 7/5/2014 10:42 AM

I make a very good audience member.

Even in divorce, I still struggle with 18 and 20.. I'm not always fucking happy and content!! But I know it's the best way to appear to my ex..