It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. He wasn't pleased, and is still processing, but still loves me and was incredibly understanding, and calm, and reassuring and amazing. He will have questions as things sink in, I know, and I'll answer all of them truthfully, even if he's unhappy with the answers.
He did tell me last year that he had the opportunity several years ago when our marriage was rocky, to cheat with a coworker that was into him, but that he chose not to, so he understood that feeling of being wanted by someonennew, and the whole new relationship flirting and energy. I just let myself slip further than he did, and was too weak to stop things earlier, but did ultimately stop things from crossing into the physical realm.
We spent time discussing what we need to do to improve on our relationship, and may go to counselling (I definitely want to) but he's still loving and affectionate and assured me that he still loves me .
We'll take it day to day because I know that a rangeof feelings are normal aaround this, but ultimately he still loves me and wants to keep working on things with me.
And he's glad I told him, and glad it didn't become a physical affair.
Thank you again for all your support! Will keep updating as things progress.
Keep posting and reading. You will get much support here.
Digging our way through.
Be prepared for him to start on the emotional rollercoaster of pain and confusion. I was "ok" with it for about a day and then my brain caught up to my ears and I imploded.
Keep the lines of communication open and the humility up. When the dust settles you may need to revisit his EA and sort that out.... that one can't be rugswept forever and I wouldn't count it as "nothing."
Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16
When we discussed the issueof his ... Hm... I don't know if it was an affair so much as they flirted and wanted him, but he said no and ended contact with her - when we went over it last year I went through a similar roller coasteras iI processed. Being able to ask questions and express my anger and upset was huge for me. We've talked tonight about needing to communicate more and better, so I have to work on not getting defensive with whatever negative emotions or responses he brings up. He's fully entitled and I deserve them.
Should I check in with him? Ask him over the next few days how he's feeling about it all?
The fact that he remembered last year, and how those feelings were tempting, is huge. HUGE. I feel very strongly that you two will make it.
EDIT: I really hope I don't end up in the dog house, but if at any time a BS starts to come down on you, you pm me. I won't yell or belittle, but i'm happy to explain the hard work you've already done to make a bad situation right. I've got your back
Be very very proud. You may have done somethings you aren't proud of, but you picked your head up, dusted yourself off, and moved, from that minute forward, to doing the right things. In a short time you've learned a lot, and grown a lot. Congratulations.
[This message edited by painfulpast at 3:57 AM, July 5th (Saturday)]
But--lies are deadly, not just to your marriage, but to you own soul. Today you can begin living again as a woman of integrity. This is no small thing. Today your soul can begin reaching for the light, and growing again. No matter how hard the days to come, take pride that today and, I hope, all the days to come, you soul is alive and growing again towards giving and towards joy.
Well and bravely done.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
I think it took my BH about a month before shit really hit the fan. Yes be glad your EA never went to PA because it is really hard for my BH to "get over". He will never get over what I did but we have come a million miles in the last 3 months in this 2 year journey that we've been on. Finally starting to see signs of actual recovery. They say it's a 2-5 yr timeline to heal. For us it's looking like a full 2 years to even come close.
With your BHs mini EA he might have more understandig in the long run. But you guys both need to have some serious boundary discussions and maybe read that book Not Just Friends. Your marriage would not survive if either of you have weak boundaries... Even emotionally speaking. Counselling would do you two wonders.
Good luck and we are all proud
but if at any time a BS starts to come down on you, you pm me. I won't yell or belittle, but i'm happy to explain the hard work you've already done to make a bad situation right. I've got your back
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The moderators work hard to keep the site safe for everybody. Please don't insinuate that this happens here, especially to a new member reaching out for help.
Way to go! I know that was terrifying and humiliating. And the road from here is not easy either. Don't stop here. Get yourself into IC. Ideally both of you need IC with C experienced with infidelity. No rugsweeping!
Start journaling, thinking it through, and repairing the damaged parts of you.
For me it has been freeing and I have found depths of love for my DH, kids, and myself that I didn't know was possible. I even view people in general with much more compassion and understanding than ever before. I believed I truly love my H before but now that I am able to *see* my weaknesses and flaws it has freed me to love him more than ever before. My screwed up coping and thinking was a major handicap. I truly wish I would have opened my eyes without the trauma I inflicted on all of us but I'm grateful for the growth and increased knowledge I'm being blessed with.
I wish for you both the pain and pride of discovery, understanding and growth because I know the joy it will bring to you and those you love.
ETA: I recommend you read and then read together when/if your BH is willing "Not Just Friends" & "How to Help Your Souse Heal From Your Affair".
[This message edited by knightsbff at 12:51 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️
Are these books, or are they articles linked somewhere?
ETA a shameless plug----if you go to the SI home page and click on the Amazon link to order the books, SI makes a small percentage.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."