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cluless posted 7/5/2014 01:25 AM

This was supposed to be the weekend that my WH was to move back into our bedroom. Although there are a couple of things that happened during the A that seems to come up frequently and I am then forced to think about the questions I had. So this morning I get an email from OW's BH giving me proof and it all made sense. All I wanted my WH to do is take a lie detector test about that one issue. He blew off the handle, he's done with me because i won't stop talking to the OW's BH. I haven't been talking to him!

But I did find a message from MY Ipad that my WH sent to the WS about how I'm a liar, etc. All of the pain has come back in spades and now I'm crippled. Will these setbacks ever stop? Is this a sign I should just leave? I don't know what to do anymore. I still believe if you love somebody, you DON'T cheat on them!

Lark posted 7/5/2014 01:31 AM

Hugs, I'm so sorry, what a nightmare to still have discoveries 6+ months out from dday

He is upset because you are still finding out stuff? If he is remorseful, he needs to be opening up and understanding when new discoveries hurt - not defensive after the fact.

So he is still in contact with the other woman? Or Is he in contact with the OW's BS?

Lark posted 7/5/2014 01:33 AM

Actually I just re-read your signature. You have had 4 ddays over 2 years and he is still in contact with the other woman or is this a new affair from the first dday? Either which way, it sounds like you need to 180, focus on you, and leave him to make his own decisions

karmahappens posted 7/5/2014 01:44 AM

I am sorry.

The tt is the worst. If he is being defensive and not willing to do anything to help you heal be doesn't get it.

You cannot R with someone who doesn't get it.

Is he in IC ? Are you?

You have every right to get info from the OBS. ... especially when he is apparently still holding back truths.

I would be wearing my bitch boots. .... when my husband didn't get it I hefty bagged his stuff. Apparently its a pretty good eye opener

This stops when you say it does. He doesn't get to dictate how much truth he tells and you don't need to wait for him to decide to man up before you begin to heal.

Sometimes you need be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it.

Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. ..... it's a good life lesson, not just for airplane travel (((hugs))))

AML04 posted 7/5/2014 06:18 AM

Karma said everything I would've said. Please take care of yourself.

And the 180 sounds perfect for your situation. If he's trying to dodge proof and deflecting his lying onto you, he is absolutely not remorseful.


tfkeel posted 7/5/2014 09:00 AM

Is this a sign I should just leave?

You're stuck.

You should not be "looking for signs", rather, you should be "making choices".

I still believe if you love somebody, you DON'T cheat on them!

I believe this too. In fact, I think most people on here also believe this.

The question being posed here, day after day, week after week, is whether those who believe this will make choices which are based upon those beliefs.

Choices which are rational and which are determined by logic.

The facts are these:

1) you want to be loved
2) your husband has cheated on you, so he doesn't love you

Logically, you can either find someone else so you can be loved, or you can stay in spite of the fact that you are not loved.

cluless posted 7/5/2014 20:18 PM

We were SO close to reconciling all the way. The devastating mind/altering pain was under control. I had fallen in love with him again. I wasn't even upset with the new news, I simply wanted him to do a lie detector test for my POM. Instead, it became about him and how I'm a liar for speaking to the OW's BS again.

He was furious which led me to believe he is hiding stuff. Why wouldn't he just let it all out. Why did it take almost 18 months to get all the truth out of him (and 98% of it was given by the ow and him finally admitting it.) I'm heartbroken all over again, why do people do this type of crap to people they supposedly love. How heartless can somebody be?

Schadenfreude posted 7/5/2014 20:26 PM

Wait a minute. You won't stop talking to OW's BH? Yet you're not talking to him. Hmmmm........Sherlock Holmes is thinking and puffing on his pipe..........

By Jove, he's got it, says Dr. Watson.

WH is still talking to OW. How else would he hear, believe or decide that you were still talking to OW's BH? She's telling him that during their underground continuing A.

You, clueless, appear to have been a victim of FALSE R.

The threat of the lie detector pushed WH off his comfortable, lying perch. Curious how his blow up coincided with the lie detector request, isn't it.

You may not have been as close to R as you thought.

I am not trying to make fun of your situation, either. This dastardly plot was unraveled just before he moved back into the marital bedroom, presumably with all that entails. That is small consolation, I know, but at least you didn't end up pregnant from HB. Which some BW's here have.

And now you know why he's hiding stuff.

Ostrich80 posted 7/6/2014 03:43 AM

So everything's running smooth until....he's asked to prove he's not lying. Why would he be upset, because he's still withholding the truth. On top of that issue, he blames YOU, for talking to other bs. So let's make this about you and get the heat off of him...ol ws trick

Broken1Again posted 7/6/2014 05:06 AM

This is typical blame shifting and deflecting everything back on you. Do NOT believe his lies that your marriage is over because you won't stop talking to the OW BS. If the marriage is over it's because he is choosing to not give you the truth in order to save the marriage. You have offered him the gift of R. He is choosing to not accept the gift.

cantgetup posted 7/6/2014 07:33 AM

I'm sorry but these are huge red flags. He's not acting remorseful in the least and I don't believe you are in R. He's an almost 60 year old man? He sounds more like a 20 year old boy.

cluless posted 7/6/2014 10:53 AM

Thanks for all your kind words. He of course thinks your all full of crap. I cut and pasted your responses because I haven't spoken to him in days. It took me 10 months to get to where I thought we were, I'm heartbroken all over again.

I don't know where to go or what to do. I'm not as scared as I was when this first happened. I guess I'm so use to the abuse, I don't know anything else. I have been isolated for a long time. I've been fighting a life threatening illness (which is now under control) but have no where to go. Last night I wondered if I should have died during my last surgery. That way I won't be a burden and I never would have felt the pain my WH has caused me and continues to cause me. I just want it to end

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