I haven't had alcohol since dday nearly six months ago and last night that changed. Overall it was a good night celebrating wgf's friends bday but at one point I began to brain vomit.
Im sure at some point all of us betrayed entertain the idea of a revenge affair. Well, intellectually and even emotionally I in no way shape or form desire nor condone it. I had the opportunity with a rather attractive lady for that matter and shut it down immediately upon recognizing where it could lead. Boundaries win. Im proud of mine and I'm proud of my integrity.
So with that preface why the fuck was it necessary for me to explain that I COULD do it. Where is the integrity in that? Knowing full well I would never, why did I feel the need to correct her so vehemently when she said she would never understand my pain because I would never do it to her? Why didn't I simply state that humans are unpredictable but that I also trust my boundaries? So now, even though I know I couldn't and quite frankly am repulsed by the idea, need to investigate where in my soul this came from. Theres a few leading candidates and perhaps all of them play some role in it and need rewiring.
1) Justice and equity are very near and dear to me and when I introspected my core values it ranked very high. Perhaps there is a rumbling inside because I haven't yet defined where the justice and equity will end up being in this so my gut jumps to the obvious (and worst) conclusion. Kind of like if someone punches you, until your heart catches up with your head theres an urge to punch back even if you know its wrong.
2) When I was a kid I HATED when things were unfair. If it was unfair to me, temper tantrum city. If I witnessed something unfair to another child, I would intervene and stand up for them. The world was much more black and white, and I realize intellectually that life is not fair. Not in the least. Maybe my heart is slower to catch on to this reality.
3) Maybe I was just angry at her telling me what I was capable of versus what I wasn't. She is spot on, but I had enough choices made for me for long enough by her, I don't want another one made for me. Pretty shallow and dumb since she is absolutely correct, I know.
Whatever the reason may be, and it might not even be listed here, I need to work hard to find the root of and extinguish because even though I wouldn't follow through, even the thought of it is a black stain upon my soul.
Thanks for listening to my rant.