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Rough night - more to process

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Mercilesslynuked posted 7/5/2014 01:54 AM

I haven't had alcohol since dday nearly six months ago and last night that changed. Overall it was a good night celebrating wgf's friends bday but at one point I began to brain vomit.

Im sure at some point all of us betrayed entertain the idea of a revenge affair. Well, intellectually and even emotionally I in no way shape or form desire nor condone it. I had the opportunity with a rather attractive lady for that matter and shut it down immediately upon recognizing where it could lead. Boundaries win. Im proud of mine and I'm proud of my integrity.

So with that preface why the fuck was it necessary for me to explain that I COULD do it. Where is the integrity in that? Knowing full well I would never, why did I feel the need to correct her so vehemently when she said she would never understand my pain because I would never do it to her? Why didn't I simply state that humans are unpredictable but that I also trust my boundaries? So now, even though I know I couldn't and quite frankly am repulsed by the idea, need to investigate where in my soul this came from. Theres a few leading candidates and perhaps all of them play some role in it and need rewiring.

1) Justice and equity are very near and dear to me and when I introspected my core values it ranked very high. Perhaps there is a rumbling inside because I haven't yet defined where the justice and equity will end up being in this so my gut jumps to the obvious (and worst) conclusion. Kind of like if someone punches you, until your heart catches up with your head theres an urge to punch back even if you know its wrong.

2) When I was a kid I HATED when things were unfair. If it was unfair to me, temper tantrum city. If I witnessed something unfair to another child, I would intervene and stand up for them. The world was much more black and white, and I realize intellectually that life is not fair. Not in the least. Maybe my heart is slower to catch on to this reality.

3) Maybe I was just angry at her telling me what I was capable of versus what I wasn't. She is spot on, but I had enough choices made for me for long enough by her, I don't want another one made for me. Pretty shallow and dumb since she is absolutely correct, I know.

Whatever the reason may be, and it might not even be listed here, I need to work hard to find the root of and extinguish because even though I wouldn't follow through, even the thought of it is a black stain upon my soul.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

nekorb posted 7/5/2014 03:04 AM

I'm too tired to actually post somethig coherent in reply, but wanted you to know someone's out here and you've been heard.

Good job on the boundaries...however you got there.


AML04 posted 7/5/2014 06:08 AM

It could be a little bit of all those reasons!! None of this is fair and I don't know if we ever get justice in that sense of the word.

Good on you for recognizing this is not who you want to be. At 6 mos I don't know if I was thinking that clearly, great job!!

Btw, I never thought in a million years WH would have an A, never mind one that went on for 3 years. Maybe it was a good thing to dispel her of the notion that she knows you so well, even if she does.

MrsDoubtfire posted 7/5/2014 06:24 AM

It's a weird place to be I think.... knowing that the WS is 100% correct in the knowledge that they know that we won't cheat in retaliation! And that SUCKS!!

That they can have such conviction in our integrity really does make you stop and think.

And so I understand you wanting to (needing to) tell her that, actually, "I COULD cheat if I really really wanted to! So there!"

The fact they can stand there with such a stance and say "Nope- I KNOW you will never cheat cos I know you!" really does make you want to say; "Oh really? Well that's what I thought about you too buster!"

Don't feel bad about saying that to her. And I love your terminology... I have never heard brain vomit before! I will start using that IRL

norabird posted 7/5/2014 10:00 AM

While it is very healthy to unpack your motivations, and part of the healing process and of your becoming a better, more whole person (because that is a journey we all should be on no matter what!), be gentle on yourself too. Not all of your reactions are going to be strong and beautiful and upright. Some of our way of processing hurt and anger is ugly. That's natural and human and you don't need to punish yourself for it. Do be proud that it isn't your instincts that drive the show but your better nature.

Mercilesslynuked posted 7/5/2014 11:31 AM

Thanks everyone for the replies, it definitely makes me feel less insane!

@AML - I know that none of this is fair and justice in the traditional sense is unattainable. I've been kicking around the thought that the true justice lies in understanding the horror they've created and having to stand tall and deal with it on a daily basis for a long time to come. Not only that but facing their own inner demons in many cases is truly horrific as well. In the end life isn't fair, all we can do is with eyes wide open make better choices about how we proceed with those we have chosen to love.

@MrsDoubtfire - Disgusting isn't it? Must be nice to be able to have full faith in another human being and to trust them not to burn you. I remember well how peaceful that was, and while I'm happy that I'm wiser now, maybe it was just a huge fuck you, I COULD do it too. Let her wheels spin in her head for a bit ya know? Not really proud of it though.

@Norabird - I try to be gentle, but I guess I've always held myself to a different standard, perfectionist nature ya know? This has ruled my life for as long as I can remember, back to 1st grade when I wanted to learn algebra just so I could be "better" than my classmates. Granted I've matured and realized the competition is with myself not with others but still I wonder if my anger with myself over my reaction isn't tied into this somehow. Anger that I wasn't stronger, anger that I didn't exhibit more compassion, etc. On the plus side I now hold WGF to the same standard that I've always held myself to so that's good. And while it is my better nature that guides the show, I wish my instincts were more wise more often.

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