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Hi,

My WS is unemployed. Here is the cliff notes version of the situation: WS worked in foreign country, had LTA. OW worked at same company for past several months. WS resigned, moved back to the U.S. June 1st. He is currently looking for work. I am self-employed but not bringing in enough money to cover overhead. We are living off of savings and can do so for at least 6-12 months.

Should unemployment be an excuse to avoid working on R?

He is not looking for a job 24/7. I feel we can do this in tandem. He had one IC apt and will go again this week. We started MC but he wanted to postpone that until he has more IC appts. Said he needs to work on himself first. I get that, but feel he is using the unemployment as an excuse. I am still looking for full remorse and have not seen it yet. I need some advice. Thanks.

I don't think it's an excuse.

But the fact is, that R has a "cost" associated with the process which may be causing a "priority call" in his mind.

R is work. It requires attention and time.

There may be straight monetary cost as well, if you are using counselors or therapists.

Even though your half-year buffer may be in place, it may define "failure" if you use it, in his mind.

My advice is this. Do not base your perception of his remorse on this. I assume that he is going to IC at a "standard" rate, like once per week, etc, a rate that would not be different were he employed?

Ask him why he feels it necessary to postpone the MC.

He is not looking for a job 24/7.

I also think you should tell him how you feel, that you think the rate at which he is pursuing his recovery should not be less than it would be if he were employed.

That he should accept that his job is now "looking for a job", devote the normal working hours to that, and handle the R just as he would if he were working at the job.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 8:10 AM, July 5th (Saturday)]

Quite honestly, I don't see any connection for feeling true remorse for one's actions, and being unemployed. I just don't see how anyone's work status has any affect on the human emotion of remorse. Either you feel it or you don't. Him going to work 8 or 10 hours a day isn't going to trigger some kind of remorse button in him.

I think you're absolutely right to question this.

I am wondering if part of him finding himself is he knows he needs work to feel like a competent human being. Not that it works that way for most women, but I think there is something to that for men. I think even though that may be true for him about work, you can say what you need for yourself, and hope that he can see that as a way to also feel competent.

I know from experience how hard it is to give time and attention to the marriage when there is another crisis at the same time. But you are right that both are important.

I think he is using unemployment as an excuse. I will not tolerate this for much longer. Every day that goes by I am getting stronger in my convictions of what is right for me and how I will live my life. This M deserves just as much attention as the unemployment issue in my book.