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Tough day for me.. Hope I'm doing rt thg

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Hatemyhusband posted 7/5/2014 10:05 AM

Here's the gist of it. Neighbor has party each year. She's very hot/cold. Some years we are on email invite, some years day f it's a "stop by if u want". Our kids are not really friends bc she never invites them over w other kids to swim. Mine refuse to go

She added us to invite this year. H says he will
Do whatever I want, but I know he enjoys going. It's in out backyard and fun.

The OW very close friends (2) and a common friend of both ours will be there. I adore out common friend. No one knows about the A. I never outed her to her H (I know u disagree) and a few of my close friends only know. I know thse people have no idea, but are wondering why we do not attend her gatherings anymore. I was vERY close to OW before she decided to have two yr A w my H.

It's going to be tough for me. My common couple friend there knows I am "having some problems w H and in counseling". That's it. What makes me anxious is sitting w her friends, my H taking on the role of "good ole sweet family guy" while I am secretly hiding the fact he screwed my friend for 2 years in nasty places including her classroom. If I get stressed and want to leave, I'll be the one who seems "uptight". He will have few beers, socialize and relax like nothing ever happened

And I have to say BOTH H and I had vibe she screwed her other friend's H -- who will be there.

I know I should skip this party, but I feel like I need to challenge myself to get the strength to take back my lfe. Not let this A hold me back and push myself passed compfrt level

What I really wish would happen? H says "let's skip party and go to X instead as a family". But I know he won't do that and I'm not going to keep taking lead in life and avoiding tough situations.

Just needed to get this out

ShedSomeLight posted 7/5/2014 10:22 AM

I would do what YOU feel is going to make you most comfortable. Remember "You"... I would not care what your "H" wanted to do. He put you in this situation. Think about yourself right now.

Losttransport posted 7/5/2014 10:25 AM

I know you will probably get better replies, but in my opinion, if you don't want to go, and it will make you uncomfortable, then don't go. It sounds like you husband will respect you and not attend, so there is no need to be around friends of OW.

Maybe just your H and family can make a day of it someplace else? You know: beach, BBQ, family time together.

I hope you have a good day :)

blakesteele posted 7/5/2014 10:53 AM

This is one of the toughest things to resolve....what is a "healthy normal" after adultery.

Simple, everyday interactions such as your neighbors laid back gathering become a huge "what if" struggle.

I think we can all relate to this.

My wifes affair involved another small business owner. She met him through work and texting was done a LOT while she was working....something that I was not encouraged to do because my wife was working and it doesn't look very professional for her to be texting, nor did she have time TO text while working. So what she considered "normal and acceptable" in her role as a spouse was very different than what was "normal and acceptable" as an AP. Truth is....there was more room for interaction between her and I while she was working, but her interaction level with her AP DID jeopardize her professional career. Point is our pre-A "normal" was not healthy, nor was her activity in her A "normal". A new normal must be defined.

This is you guys defining what "normal" is for you guys now. I suspect your pre-A "normal" missed the mark of being healthy too.

NOW my wife is growing her business and is active in a small business group. Pre-A blakesteele would have rejoiced over both her business growth and her professional involvment. Post-A blakesteele has much anxiety over this. Her meeting one on one with other male business professionals is very tough for me to deal with. She assures me with words that she will NEVER act inappropriately with these other men. Words that are necessary but do not "complete" the need for security within me now.

So I get your anxiety.

Best advice I can offer you is to find ways to sit with your feelings....find the strongest, most painful feelings you can regarding you attending this party. Sit with those as long as you think you can stand it. Then sit with them a bit more. Then find ways to express the core painful feeling you have to your husband and stop there.

Make sure they are primary feelings....anger is not a primary feeling. Anger masks primary feelings.

Stop well short of telling your husband what he should or should not do. He is a big that he can hear your feelings and find ways to interact that validate and connect to you with this information.

In other how this sitch makes you feel, then allow HIM to decide what HE can do about it.

Caution: Don't let him take the easy way out by putting a question to you....don't accept his response of "Well, what would you like me to do about this?" That puts the burden of meeting your needs back on you. You need to express those needs and then he needs to figure out what he can do to tend to those needs.

This is NOT a game. This is what therapy and books have told me time and again to do. Often you might think you know what you need...but if you consistently express needs AND tell others how to meet those needs you will miss bonding at the true deep level we all desire to bond at. Plus it stands the real chance of creating resentment in the relationship.

Resentment in you that you HAVE to tell your husband what to do.

Resentment in him that he is being told what to do.

The key is to not expect him to read your mind.

You express a need.

He responds to that expression of a need.

You express the feeling his choices evoke in you.

He responds to that expression...

....and so on.

He has to do the same thing.

This is the dance of intimacy.

As a former CoD I know how difficult this is.

Keep the faith.

This is a good opportunity to pracitice the "new normal" you are trying for!

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:57 AM, July 5th (Saturday)]

Hatemyhusband posted 7/5/2014 11:32 AM

Blakesteele. You are an amazingly insightful person and I look forward to ur replies.

I get the express feelings, other interprets and reacts. I will
NOT be put in the role of ever telling him what to do. He needs to figure it out in order to grow.

I shared w him my anxiety about this new normal. - he comes across as relaxed, happy go lucky man and if I feel need to leave, I seem like the bitch. I shared my frustration on how me not wanting to share w the world "hey, you'd feel anxious too if ur H screwed ur friend for two yrs and u r sitting with friends of hers" but knowing they would view me so differently if they knew the dignity and grace I have held myself with throughout this horrific event.

Why am I attending? Because I refuse to let the A control my behavior and when I feel afraid, I will always push myself to
Overcome the fear as opposed to letting it consume me. It's the ME taking care of ME and taking control of life

I'm sure her friends have wondered where I have been as OW and I were close. I will go, smile and enjoy my common friends there not letting the A control me

Didact posted 7/5/2014 11:40 AM

Blakesteele's advice is, as always, good.

But on a more basic level, I can tell you why I'd consider passing this year:

If it were me, I wouldn't be able to stop from keeping looking over at OP, and thinking about not just what they did, but how they felt about each other and how WS consistently chose OP over me. The jealousy, humilation, and pain would drive me to an anger that might take days to recover from. The upside from the party would have to be hella good for me to willingly take that on.

blakesteele posted 7/5/2014 12:01 PM

Thanks for the kind words.

For the record.....I struggle hard with the sin of pride. I have to decipher in sitches like you are in if I am choosing to reclaim a healthy part of my life or if I am selfishly reacting in a "ok's on!!!" sort of way. SOMETIMES I am humbled to realize that which I am fighting for actually turned out to be something I don't even want.

I am wrestling with this in my career right now.....


Hatemyhusband posted 7/5/2014 20:04 PM

She (op) was not invited to the party, just her friends.

I attended. It turned out pretty darn good. I sat and chatted w her two friends and our common friend most of the time. In fact, H was attentive, bringing me a wine, water etc and checked in w me to see how I was doing. He actually left the party an hour before I did.

It feels awesome to take on a fear head on and reclaim my life. I will NOT let the acts of two others control me. Ever

blakesteele posted 7/5/2014 20:46 PM

Wow!!! Congrats!!!! You go girl!!!!!

Do you find yourself curious if others know? Or if you suspect they know how do you deal with that?

Small town here.....not a big anxiety for me but do occasionally find myself trying to "see" into others who most likely know (or should know do to high school like gossiping). good to hear of your fun outing!!!!


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