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Newest Member: Incarnate (46085)

User Topic: Wh reading finally, But... only looking for Ammo!
beyondbelief13
♀ 41080
Member # 41080
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh My, I have been 'stocking up' on reading material, as I absolutely am stuck in this limbo hell... Well, after All this time, I see Wh reading one of the books. Awesome, I tell him. I'm so glad that he is finally showing some initiative, But and I mean a Big But... He begins coming to me with advice and ideas on how "moving forward" and "working on our M" and "focusing on the future" are the things we need to be concentrating on now, not the A.... Well, let me say, that I have read the book he is currently reading and he is Totally taking these suggestions put of context or giving them more importance than the author designed. I feel like he is "searching" the book for anything that will support his idea that we "Need To Go Forward, Be Happy, Etc" ad not discuss how the A's have impacted our family and that healing is something that I should be able to just "decide" to do and it's done! Sorry for the rant, but really helps to see it in print


BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
*TT for 18 MONTHS... Damned It!!!
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
Feelthrownaway
♀ 33772
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is doing selective reading. This is what I would do. Say" i'm glad to see you're reading the book. Can you show me where it talks about that?" Then go over it together. That way he can see how the author meant it. Some WS don't understand that you have to heal in order to move forward. That means discussing it even though it makes them uncomfortable. Hang in there, at least he is finally reading the books. Now he has to understand them.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
RippedSoul
♀ 40055
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or maybe even read the book together? Discuss both of your views? Rembering that, sometimes, you can both be right. My IC (who was our MC for the only 5 sessions we had right after DDay) was able to give us many examples--from our discussions with her--of that. Neither of us needed to "win." You DO need to move forward, work on your M, and focus on the future. He's right. But you also need to, FIRST or at least concurrently, heal from the A. You BOTH have valid points but yours are validER. A way to do that, maybe, would be to set aside a chunk of time, once or twice a week, to read the book or discuss his A actions, and to concentrate on the less painful parts of your relationship the rest of the time. Going on dates, making cookies together, swinging at the park, sitting in the hot tub, picking up a new hobby together, etc., are all fun, bonding activities that benefit you both.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is good. Find ways to be patient. Waywards traditionally hate conflict. His approach to healing is fairly common....the angle is "easier" to digest then head on facing his consequences.

Yes, it would help immensely if he would face his shit head on, dig hard into the brokenness that enabled him to choose as he did....but his actions of late DO show he is wanting to heal.


My wife rarely posts on SI. When she has it sometimes is out of anger.....focuses in the destructive choices I have made in our M. It hurts me to read them, but they are mostly factually correct. As people reach out and support her her posts help her heal.

I, like you, are choosing to love our spouse. As such we need to encourage their healing too.

As long as you are expressing your needs and he is doing the same....good healing can take place, no matter the starting point or angle.

2-5 years.....this is a process. Waywards and betrayed's often times process through their pain differently.

The key is to find ways to refrain from;
---being judgemental
---being defensive

And to find;
---healthy, constructive ways to interact and NOT burying your feelings. Something my wife and I never really learned.
---start to see your spouse as "not your enemy"....they have pain to. It was from pain they chose adultery.

This is tough.....but I believe your husbands actions are a start to healing and repenting from how he did M pre-A.

Keep the faith.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
beyondbelief13
♀ 41080
Member # 41080
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your wisdom and insight:

Some Ws don't understand that you have to heal in order to move forward. That means discussing it even though it makes them uncomfortable.

This is the most exasperating part of R for me... It seems any excuse to "move on" is/has been used. I know his heart is in the right place, it's just this ginormous Ego I fight! I mean to the point that all along he has never been able to use the word "sex" when it comes to talking about his A (can you say minimize, hide, childish) The amount of crazy-making and half truths have just about blown any R out of the picture.

Hang in there, at least he is finally reading the books. Now he has to understand them.

Yes, I am grateful! I just wish like hell it hadn't come as an ultimatum... I moved into the spare room, am avoiding him like the plague, etc for 6 weeks, at which time I either see this progress or we agree to D.


BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
*TT for 18 MONTHS... Damned It!!!
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
beyondbelief13
♀ 41080
Member # 41080
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rippedsoul, I think you should rename to "evolved soul!"

Neither of us needed to "win." You DO need to move forward, work on your M, and focus on the future. He's right. But you also need to, FIRST or at least concurrently, heal from the A.

I feel so totally stuck! I was doing pretty well; actually enjoying the "us" occasionally and really I don't remember what happened, but lately I am right back to day 1... yuk I mean I cannot eat, sleep, cry all day,feel I have no future or past, hate him, etc basically feel completely hopeless and have retreated into my safe prison of pain. I have an IC appointment in a week so, I have a little hope


BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
*TT for 18 MONTHS... Damned It!!!
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
beyondbelief13
♀ 41080
Member # 41080
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blakesteele, wow...

Find ways to be patient. Waywards traditionally hate conflict. His approach to healing is fairly common....the angle is "easier" to digest then head on facing his consequences.

Hating Conflict... now there's an understatement, lol... But, yes I see the shame and embarrassment in him daily. My wounded ego often only sees it as yet another excuse to hide from 'the hard stuff' That's MY rub, the blame shifting and has lighting that has gone on in the past has built such huge walls that I am too prideful to bring down. Where does that leave it? I think in my self righteousness that HE must knock them down with truth and a promise of no more manipulation or blame... An impasse? Of my creation? Oh God, this is just so f'in hard

The key is to find ways to refrain from;
---being judgemental
---being defensive

And to find;
---healthy, constructive ways to interact and NOT burying your feelings. Something my wife and I never really learned.
---start to see your spouse as "not your enemy"....they have pain to. It was from pain they chose adultery.

Thank you for this. I have printed it and it will stay with me to refer to... Sounds so easy, yet I know it is your painful journey that has brought you to this realization, and I will gladly learn from it!



BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
*TT for 18 MONTHS... Damned It!!!
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, July 6th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome.

Keep the faith!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 8

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