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Over a year out and stuck

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cutie35 posted 7/5/2014 20:10 PM

So here we are, a year and 3 months out from DD and I still see the OW everywhere. I would love to move but it doesn't work with our jobs and family. WH has been great really. answered all my questions and honestly, I don't think I could have asked for him to be any better. I just still feel so betrayed and hurt. Her H actually figured them out so all parties know and they have stayed together too. I am stuck again. H knows this and has tried to give me space. Just says I am so sorry.

My biggest issue still is that he actually used my need for a friend to bring the OW into our house and befriend me and her kids and ours became friends. They had a PA in my house. He has issues with my weight (honestly I am a size 12 and was an 6-8 when we got married so we aren't talking HUGE weight gain here) but she is bigger than me. I keep trying to tell myself that it wwasn't her pyhsical appearance, it was how she made him feel. Something he said he wasn't getting from me. She made him feel special.

I just don't know. We have done some MC but haven't in awhile. I just don't know what else to say. We do talk. I just still feel so betrayed. It was a double betrayal because it was a "friend" and my spouse. R does well for a few months and then I hit this funk again...

I am just not sure it is worth staying together somedays. I love him but am I IN love with him. Am I still just staying for the kids?

hihn posted 7/5/2014 21:15 PM

Cutie35, let me ask you a question. If she made him feel good about himself and that was something he wasn't getting from you. Why did he decide to end the affair? Have you ask him this? Have you asked yourself this? Sounds like he is trying to blame his bad choices, and disregard for boundaries on you. Don't except the blame my dear. Did you go out and have an affair as a way of getting your ego stroked, like he did?

KatyDo posted 7/5/2014 21:21 PM

Cutie - it's so easy for them to get validation and that special feeling from a baggage-free relationship. I am sure it is nothing more than that. And let's not forget how horrendous their behaviour was, so neither one of them should be feeling very "special" really.

They are both extremely lucky to have you as spouses when they were wayward. You're justified in your feelings, just honour them, be with them, ask what they need and try to tend to them with your husband's assistance. Do whatever you feel you need to do, or want to do with his help. Maybe something harmless (massage, treat, shopping etc) to make you feel special :)

tl502 posted 7/5/2014 21:23 PM

My fwh said early on, that I said all the right things to him, but I had to say them because we are married. She didn't have to say them, so he could believe her more easily. He also said that I couldn't have meant them, because I knew all his faults. She didn't know him, so she believed the good things that she said about him, therefore, in fantasyland, he could believe them too.
Crazymaking. Remember, no matter what anyone says, the A wasn't about you. It was something lacking in them. Should you decide to R, be sure it is for you. You deserve to find your own happiness.

cutie35 posted 7/6/2014 11:21 AM

He ended the affair the day I found out. Her H caught on (and honestly I wasn't far from it) but confronted her at her job. he actually caught them talking on the phone whn he walked in! He immediately called me and I called H. He admitted it right there on the phone. We both left work and met up at home where the explosion of emotions went down and I sent him packing to his parents house. To my knowledge he briefly talked to the OW that night to make sure she was ok. He maintains he has not contacted her or her him since. I have checked his phone and nothing comes up so I believe him.

About 4 months out he had a break down, I think the withdrawal from her really hit him, and we talked about doing D instead of R. To this day he claims that he doesn't want a D. That he always told her he wasn't trading his kids for hers. What does that mean? He was willing to carry on this PA and EA for years until it was OK to D?? tl502.. you are right that he has maintained it was this fantasy that just went too far. Um, you think?

I chave read other posts on here and many that say says that WH wants to R are X,Y,Z and my WH has done them all right fromt he start. Maybe that is what bothers me? It was almost too easy for him to get away with it and still keep me?

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