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befuddledhubbie posted 7/5/2014 20:57 PM

There have been troubles in my marriage for awhile. you don't get to almost 5 years without them. some i could have fixed, but didn't. Some that i am not sure i could have fixed. My daughter turned 1 year old, 4 days before the emotional affair went physical. to my knowledge they only did things once. i am devastated. i am not good at expressing emotions, haven't cried. but my heart is broken even if it doesn't shed tears.

There is a long story here. My wife once ha a friend, who turned into a bitch. She dumped her boyfriend, and kicked him out of their apartment. My wife and i took him in, for just over a year. We made him move out then. a few weeks after that he was hit by a semi. He needed support, his family wasn't providing it. My wife stepped up to help because she is a caring person. In the last few months, i knew he ha feelings for her. i knew she had developed feelings for him. but he would overdose on his pain meds. i couldn't tell her not to go over and spend time with him, not when it might save his life. The day before his arraignment, i found out today, they slept together. we haven't been physical since before then, so i am not worried about my health. But she says she loves him. i am willing to work on my faults, but she doesn't think i can improve myself.

i know on the one hand i don't have to prove myself to her, BUT i have not been appreciative, romantic, or provided the spiritual or financial support we have both needed since we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant. My parents never divorced, no infidelity involved. Her parents did divorce, and infidelity was involved. I want so much to have her back, and prove my self better.

Another part of me wants to SCREAM! Why God? Why didn't i do more? the signs were there! being somewhat introverted, screaming in an empty house seems rediculous. but i am afraid that if i don't vent this out, that the feelings will be buried too deep to ever come out and heal.

I have told 2 people so far. I am determined to do everything I can. But right now, my first temptation is to not drown my sorrows with the 5 beers i know i have. Not suicidal. Just wondering how to have a clear head through this.

[This message edited by befuddledhubbie at 9:00 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]

mike7 posted 7/5/2014 21:17 PM

friend, you didn't do anything wrong. You may not have been the perfect marriage partner, but no one is. You were in the same marriage as your wife and you didn't cheat.

You graciously offered your home to this loser for a year. then you allowed your wife to be his nursemaid after he screwed himself up again. And what does he do to repay your kindness? He screws your wife.

You need to tell her immediately that it's over now, or you file for divorce. You have to establish no contact immediately. You can't be in a marriage with three people. You can't reconcile if she's still his nursemaid.

What will he do? Not your problem. He betrayed your kindness in the worst possible way. If he ends up a bum under a bridge with a limp, not your problem.

You tell your wife now, it's you or him. She can never see him, or help him, or communicate with him again. And it has to be NOW. She doesn't get time to make the decision. If she wants time, tell her to move out. Either she chooses to work on her family, or him. Trust me on this, there is no other way.

Once you've established NC (no contact) with the semi-smashed ungrateful loser, then you can start working toward reconciliation, because NC is just a start. She needs to figure out how she went from giving him medicine to giving him blowjobs.

Check out the healing library. Read as much as you can. other wiser posters than me will be here soon to help you.

Good luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:18 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]

Tigaress posted 7/5/2014 21:39 PM

Hey! I'm not one of the wiser posters, just caught my husband last Sunday. But I wanted to give you a big virtual hug. This is so hard and so painful! You said you told two people, can you call some friends over? That you don't have to scream in the empty house alone? You can't fix the situation right now or within a day or two, but you can take a step back and breathe and refocus on yourself. You're the victim here, take care of yourself. In all this misery, find some things that are enjoyable. I spent lots of time in the gym to get rid of some of my anger, for example. As I understand, what's in front of us is a longish process if we're trying to get to reconciliation. We need to be fit for the marathon. Hang in there and take care!

healingroad posted 7/5/2014 21:43 PM

I so wanted to prove myself to my WW. And it was so humiliating and damaging to me. And she didn't even notice that I was trying to win her back.

Don't do it. You can say you're willing to work on your M, that you may have made mistakes. But her A was her problem and you deserve faithfulness without proving anything to her. Take a hard stand. I wish I had.

annb posted 7/5/2014 21:44 PM

Hi, befuddled, welcome to SI. I am so sorry you are now a member of this group, but you will be glad you found us because of the tremendous amount of support.

Mike7 gave you great advice.

Do NOT blame yourself for HER actions. She is an adult, she chose to cheat. You were both in the same marriage. If she was unhappy with the status quo, she needed to communicate that to you.

This man needs to be out of your lives like yesterday.

i am willing to work on my faults, but she doesn't think i can improve myself

^^^Is your wife that perfect? All of us make mistakes in our relationship, but only some choose to cheat. Cheating is like pouring gasoline on a makes the marital issues 100x worse.

SHE needs to win YOU back. She dropped a bomb on your lives, she must do everything SHE can to fix this mess she has placed your family in.

No room for three in a marriage, my friend. If she doesn't want to end the affair and go no contact with this man, you need to meet with an attorney for a consult to protect you and your daughter from her destruction.

mandolin555 posted 7/5/2014 21:53 PM

I think you sound like one of the most put together, introspective, wise people on here. I think you recognize you had faults in the marriage not being what it could but you are not to blame for the cheating. You were in the marriage too. Not having your needs met didn't cheat. She won't stay with this guy...they almost never do. The quickest way to get her to a place where she's open to reconciliation is to 180. Work on you. You're already half way there anyway. Not to get her back...but to get YOU back...and if you want those 5 beers just pop in a good action movie, kick off hour shoes, grab a bag of chips and savor them. Enjoy everything in'll make a more interesting person. Stop beating yourself up over what you could've done differently. She cheated because she's a cheater. She would've cheated no matter what you did or didn't do in the marriage.

self-rescuer posted 7/5/2014 22:19 PM

i am willing to work on my faults, but she doesn't think i can improve myself.

REALLY??? Your wife who is a cheater and liar and broke every promise to respect and love and be faithful thinks you can't improve yourself????

Her job is to show you how she can improve herself to earn back your trust. Her job is to make you feel safe in the marriage SHE jeopardized.

Your job is to take care of yourself by eating, drinking water and simply getting through your day. Do not let her blame shift. Do not own any part of her dreadful decision to betray you.

Daddo posted 7/6/2014 00:02 AM

I'm so sorry

You found a great community though. Keep reading, posting - you will find support and sympathy and wise advice. Only someone who has been through this can understand - we've been there bro, we get it.

A little advice for the newly distroyed.

1. Keep you anger under control. It is easy to say or do things that can never be taken back.

2. You just took a major emotional wound. You are lying on the floor bleeding - seriously. You are in no shape to decide what you want to do or to make any major life decisions. What you need is to get some help - and not from a bottle. You need a friend to call, or a therapist or a parent - you need someone to speak too. You probably need professional help - sometimes even crisis help. You may need sleeping pills, anti-anxiety meds.... Self medicating through beer - not a great idea.

3. Adrenaline is probably pumping through your system - you need to work it off - go run, lift, swim - use your body - a lot. Work out to exhaustion - and then some more

4. Read the 180 rules here -

5. She needs to agree to 100% no contact with the other guy - or she needs to leave the house (don't you agree to leave- she need the physical reality of leaving her own home, her own children. You will want to get her to agree to a no contact contract - a physical manifestation that she is never to talk to him, text him, visit him - ever again. Don't be angry - but be firm.

6. Your child needs you. Kids, even the very young, can sense that something is wrong. Be a great parent - even in your pain

I know you are really hurting. The anger, pain, depression, grief will come and go in waves. But it will get better. You can get through this. Even your marriage can get through this - though put off all thoughts of reconciling for a few months while you heal.

Good luck - hugs

Guinness23 posted 7/6/2014 04:30 AM

Women feel appreciated when feeling needed. This loser is her "sick puppy." IMO, the "sick puppy" needs to find a new foster home. She needs to remember her vows to you AND her daughter. You have been married 5 years? Who DOESN'T have problems? You sound like you understand your part in the breakdown...but PLEASE REMEMBER, you are NOT to blame for her affair! She may blame you till the cows come home (they all do) but her lack of morality and faithfulness is NOT your fault.

1. Is she willing to go to counseling? Make an appointment with the condition that the sick puppy GOES.

2. If she isn't, get custody of your daughter and send your WW AND the sick puppy under the nearest bridge to live "happily ever after."

3. Take care of yourself. Fluids, food, support.

Read the healing library here and ask SI questions or ask for support night or day when you need a shoulder to virtually cry on. Get the feelings out in a positive way. DO NOT leave them bottled up.

Take care.

ChangeMaker posted 7/6/2014 06:02 AM

So sorry to hear about this. I am new here to, just 4 weeks from DDay. Listen to the people here; the advice is almost always good.

Read all you can here. I found the "Tactical Primer" post particularly helpful.

I'm on the emotional roller coaster with you.

Brandon808 posted 7/6/2014 06:52 AM

Sorry you're here. Definitely don't try to win her back.

You state your own faults as a husband. You don't state any of hers and I find it hard to believe she was the perfect partner. My point is that you're in preservation mode. You want to fix what was wrong with the M and your immediate instinct is look at what you feel you did to contribute to the problems. The M is 50/50. The A is 100% her decision.

Please remember that is was her decision to get involved with someone you had to help support for a year.
It was her decision to become involved with someone who would overdose on his pain meds.
He specializes in not simply melodramatic gestures but gestures that would get most people committed for psychiatric care.

Also, what is up with the arraignment? Arraignment for what? If he is dangerous, whether it's to himself or others, then you need to see a lawyer and protect your rights as a father. He sounds like someone too unstable to be allowed around your child if you can help it.

Bottom line is that you showed your love by supporting your family.
You showed your character by supporting another human being (and I use that term loosely when talking about the OM) in need.
She's ignored that and focused on what she wanted and how his words made her feel.

She's living a fantasy that's only acceptable in badly written "romance" novels. However, she's made decisions and started things that are extremely difficult to undo. Odds are she'll practically ride that sinking ship all the way because she believes she has to and doesn't want to admit she's wrong.

I agree with the others. Do not try to win her back. See your attorney and follow their advice to protect your parental rights and your child. That comes first.

GotPlayed posted 7/6/2014 09:42 AM

Everyone here is giving you great advise.

Right now you need to focus on yourself. It's very hard, but like others have said, read the "180" on the healing library to understand the process. You've been dealt a deathblow and you need to use that adrenaline on exercise, force yourself to go out by yourself and distract yourself.

In particular, don't pay any attention at this point to the flaws she points out.

Do you see she's mentally damaged enough to have had an A with an OM who is mentally damaged to go for the wife of the one person who helped him? That's a lot of damage, and that's the height of abuse and disrespect, both to you and to everyone who is in need and can't get help.

And since she doesn't want the focus on herself she will throw every single complaint at you she can. It's part and parcel of her damage. This is so wrong - and she knows it at some level - that she can't face the guilt. So she projects that guilt onto you.

Put in another way, you could have been Jesus Christ and she would have complained you had scars in your hands and forehead. There would have been something. So although we all want to be better, wait a bit until you are healed before you self-analyze and become better for yourself, instead of trying to run after she shot your knee-cap.

Please, for now, drop the beer (not forever, just for the next few months) and instead go running to a local trail with headphones or do other aerobic physical activity. Do it until you can't do it anymore, rest for a couple hours, then go again. Use that as an outlet for the giant cocktail of adrenaline going through your system. It's a positive way to get through it. Remember to eat and stay hydrated. Expect weight loss, even massive, because you're forgetting to eat and/or your system is on fight-or-flight mode.

When the A happened to me I booked a hotel for a weekend nearby and I went there. I spent my time in there reading the book "Not Just Friends" and working out at the hotel gym. I never really worked out before - never been the type. I stopped drinking completely for 3-4 months, until I felt calmer throughout the day.

Also, call a therapist for yourself. Now. This is not optional, IMO. If you'd been shot in the kneecap you would have gone to the hospital and would be seeing a specialist - and this is no different. Show her what a really healthy person does when damage occurs. A therapist for the mental/emotional stuff and a lawyer for the legal options stuff so you can protect your child. Don't think about marriage counseling until she's also gone to a therapist for at least a little while.

The one who needs to be wanting to switch her life around and improve for you is her.

befuddledhubbie posted 7/6/2014 09:56 AM

I appreciate all the wise words and encouragement. But she has already said that NC is not going to happen, "he's my best friend". Due to how fast this all seemed to happen,I know I am in some stage of shock, and not processing what she says in the absolute terms she is saying them.

To clarify, the OM is facing jail time for not having car insurance, damages, and court fees in relation to his being under a semi-truck.

We have never really been just us. The first year of marriage we had a roommate at an apt, her maid of honor. After that didn't work out we lived at my parent's house for a year, that didn't work out. We bought a house in dec 2011. through the years since, we have had her mother move in/out, her sister moved in/out, mother moved back in. And I knew that her mother and sister were not positive influences on out marriage, but the complete lack of maturity on her families part made it impossible to do anything other than be compassionate.

The sex suffered since her pregnancy, her attention to me as a physical male was a complaint. Her being condescinding of her self didn't help either.

I could list her faults, i could get angry and bitter. However i know that if i hope to reconcile i can't push her away with such negative reactions. Having read the 180, it seems counter-intuitive, but waiting 6 months before reconciling, i need to prepare for this marathon. I am not going to have a sprint after all.

My family is all 2 hours away, celebrating a birthday/4th/anniversary. My pastor is out of state for a youth event as well. while i have some friends, none are close, only two are married. and i just don't know how much to tell others, especially if there is any hope for a future.

Badhurt posted 7/6/2014 10:03 AM

Your wife has just told you point blank that she is not going to stop seeing the OM period, so I do not understand why you are even thinking about R.

A marriage is supposed to be with two people and yours has three and according to her it is going to stay that way.

Take the parts of the 180 that you want to but forget about this idea of any six month crap unless you want to continue to live like a "cuckold" (look up the word.

You need a lawyer and quick.

Schadenfreude posted 7/6/2014 10:04 AM

The whole family uses you as Plan B? What a great arrangement--for them. WW won't go NC? There is no hope for reconciliation while she's still in contact with her Affair Partner. So the best thing you can do FOR YOURSELF is the 180. Never forget that the 180 is for you to,detach and get on with your life.

You can't be Mr Nice Guy and win her back. Ask the women here if they respect a man without the fortitude to,stick by his guns. Nice guys finish last, as the old,saying goes.

Toughen up, institute 180 and make,her understand you'll do,just fine without her.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:05 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]

traicionada posted 7/6/2014 10:06 AM

Please avoid alcohol, it's a depressant & it will make things worse. I know you said your family is 2 hrs. away so we'll be your virtual family so talk to us; how can we help?

Daddo posted 7/6/2014 12:29 PM

The point of the 180 is described here:

Frankly, in addition to the reasons listed in the above post, the 180 helps remind both of you of the man you really are - it shouts I am the man you fell in love with - the man you married and committed to spend your life with and I deserve and demand better than this.

No-contact is non-negotiable. Pack her suitcase, change the locks - do what you have to do.

She has to be shocked out of assuming you are a doormat. Fuck the other guy - what happens to him is his own fault. Your WS has to fight for you and for her marriage or she has to walk.

See a lawyer tomorrow. Go

I know you feel that part of this is your fault - maybe some part is. But she has gone way past the bounds of acceptable behavior. She needs to realize that she is throwing away everything.

[This message edited by Daddo at 12:31 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

happyman64 posted 7/6/2014 15:17 PM


Can I make a recommendation?

Let your wife stay with the loser.

They deserve each other.

Show her consequences or she will just do this again.

You said your wife is pregnant.

Can you tell us how old you two are?
How many kids if any yet you have?

Because if my wife went for a loser like that I would give her the greatest gift of all...

I would let her be with him.


Tigaress posted 7/6/2014 15:21 PM

I don't think she's pregnant, or did I miss that? I thought they had a 1 year old daughter ...
You know befuddledhubbie, even though you're not sure how much you should tell people, I'd think having an ally or two in this rough situation is worth having them know about what happened after a potential reconciliation.
Many people recommended me to 'out' my husband's affair, to his parents etc. I think if you keep your wife's affair a secret, you're playing to her hand (not sure if I said this correctly but you know what I mean ...)

[This message edited by Tigaress at 3:25 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

Guinness23 posted 7/6/2014 20:51 PM

But she has already said that NC is not going to happen, "he's my best friend".

DEALBREAKER! YOU are supposed to be her best friend! Three's a crowd. Be the one to hit the road.

So sorry you are going through this.

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