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How long can he behave like the victim?

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Tigaress posted 7/5/2014 22:53 PM

I caught my husband's infidelity last Sunday and kicked him out of the apartment. We communicated by text message in the beginning but since Tuesday I have not heard from him. With the exception of two brief texts today to let me know that he's with his cousin in Jersey and not anywhere near the slut.
Initially, after I found out, he blamed everything on me (I did not fulfill my wife duties), attacked me (I have not yet lost all my pregnancy weight, I am too busy etc.) and only after long mean rants he seemed to accept at least a part of the responsibility for what he did. That was on Tuesday, before he started giving me the silent treatment.
By now, my impression is that he has maneuvered himself in the position of the poor victim who happened to do something that was completely out of character for him but he was a victim of the circumstances.
This does not seem to be a starting point for a reconciliation attempt. Do you have any experiences with similar situations? What to do?

Lark posted 7/5/2014 22:59 PM

Hugs, I am sorry you are here!

I'm pretty sure that's a very standard response when a WS is first found out. They'd much rather cast blame than look in the mirror and realize what they've done. They call it the fog here (at least I think this is what they refer to as the fog). They're still caught up in affair fantasy rainbow unicorn sex land.

Good for you for kicking him out and not putting up with that nonsense. I do not know how long it'll take for him to come to his senses. I don't think anybody here can tell you that. Some people are so full of themselves and self-centered that they'll never accept responsibility for what they've done. Others get out of the fog faster than others.

My husband did his pent up rant at me when I first found out. I was actually really glad he did it, as it gave me insight into what he'd been telling himself and to his OW as to why it was ok that he was screwing other people. My husband's rant didn't last too long, though. And when he was done I told him well, guess what, when he takes a situation and goes and screw someone els e- that's 100% his responsibility.

That seemed to snap him out of his poor-me-I'm-so-justified fog. And he was sorry after that. He started acting on my demands immediately, and the walls he'd put up in defensiveness crumbled about 4 days later. We are 1 month out though, and the enormity of what he's done and the choices he's made is still hitting him. And I think, compared to many, he had a relatively quick "get out of the fog" period. So I think it may take a very long time for even the "quick" ones to realize exactly what they've done. I've read multiple places to expect it to be a 2-5 year process of healing/working through it =/

Nature_Girl posted 7/5/2014 23:21 PM

How long? My ex is still behaving like the victim, and our divorce is over & done with. It apparently is important to him that we all acknowledge I am a horrible person who ruined his life, who forced him to do things he never wanted to do, who is only concerned for her happiness.

If it suits their purpose, they can and will be a victim forever.

mike7 posted 7/5/2014 23:29 PM

he'll behave like the victim for as long as you let him. and then if you D him, he may still behave like the victim. Some pathetic people are so comfortable in the victim role that they never leave it. They are never responsible for their state in life. Lose a job? The boss had it in for them. Cheat on their spouse? The spouse was withholding affection. Commit robbery? I had to eat, and besides, the store is insured. Kill someone? If I hadn't killed them, they would have eventually killed me.

Unfortunately you married a weak person. It's hard to say if he will ever take responsibility for his actions. I'm sorry.

fireproof posted 7/5/2014 23:36 PM

My ex is still the victim and he got everything he wanted or thought he wanted - a new family.

The reality is they are justifying their actions so the issue is you who must have been so wrong to have caused him to cheat. The truth is that you own 50% of the marriage but he owns 100% of the cheating.

Figure out what is best for you and focus on getting your affairs in order should you separate.

Be smart and work on your life while things become more clear. It will help keep you strong.

[This message edited by fireproof at 11:41 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/6/2014 08:05 AM

Sorry you're in this situation. I experienced the same thing. Many, if not most, are forced to face a Wayward Spouse who has contorted reality to create the false appearance that THEY are actually the ones who have been wronged. (Pausing to scratch my head, shake my head and roll my eyes.)

Here's the sober truth. If the marriage was bad, they had two honorable options. 1. Work toward making it better. 2. Divorce.

Notice that having an affair was not one of the honorable options. Having an affair is dishonorable. It is cowardly. It is wrong. People who have affairs don't want to see themselves as being cowardly, dishonorable and in the wrong. So, what can they do? They can lie to themselves that their circumstances are different and somehow absolve them from the wrongness. They mentally collect every misstep and weakness of their spouse and throw that I'm their face as the reason for the affair, all to save their cowardly emotional states.

To answer your question about how long can they incorrectly blame you for their A, for a long time. Until they are somehow motivated to accept responsibility for their actions, blame shifting is more convenient than being honest with themselves.

And another thing. Do you realize that your WS probably feels that the pain you are feeling is also your fault? Absolutely. Since you "caused the affair", your pain must be your fault, too, right. This allows the unremorseful, delusional Wayward to not have to be too concerned about what you're going through.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 8:07 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]

Thinkingtoomuch posted 7/6/2014 08:44 AM

Nomistake said it well:

And another thing. Do you realize that your WS probably feels that the pain you are feeling is also your fault? Absolutely. Since you "caused the affair", your pain must be your fault, too, right. This allows the unremorseful, delusional Wayward to not have to be too concerned about what you're going through

This is a great lightbulb awareness! And a great way of putting it. The idea of loving someone who doesn't feel normal human emotions makes me want to be very protective of myself.

Inability to feel empathy? Not connect with pain someone else feels or the pain the ws created, particularly for whom one loves?

It seems almost like an "attachment" problem (of the ws).

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:45 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]

doggiediva posted 7/6/2014 09:45 AM

Unfortunately the WS can behave like victims until they are 6 feet under..
You are doing well in that you were able to kick him out..Healing comes at a faster rate for those who don't feel stuck in the M or hate the living situation that they are in...(i.e. a WH underfoot who refuses to leave)..
Get GOOD legal advice and follow it..
Take measures to insure that you will thrive without your WH..
Give him the silent treatment as well....

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:46 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]

sadtoo posted 7/6/2014 12:25 PM

Instead of you waiting for him to call you, why don't you wait him out? I would go hard N/C on him. Do not call, do not text. Not even for an "emergency". He cheated. HE needs to initiate reconciliation.

In the mean time, go see an attorney. Just to find out what your rights are and where you stand legally. Find out what would happen if you did divorce, cost, child support, any possible alimony, etc. Maybe look into filing for temporary child support.

And then start focusing on you. Maybe by the time he pulls his head out of his ass, you will have decided you deserve better.

Good luck

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:26 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

Tigaress posted 7/6/2014 13:27 PM

Thank you for sharing your experiences. How depressing to know that the victim phase can continue on forever.
He just left me a voice mail that I should call him back because 'he needed to talk to me'. And he said 'I hope you're over the shock' - no I'm not!! I'll follow the advice I got here... on Wednesday I needed to talk to him because I was feeling completely destroyed and hopeless but he did not pick up the phone. It took him until Sunday to call me back. Maybe I'll call him next week-end...

kansas1968 posted 7/6/2014 13:36 PM

Sounds like the "head up ass" syndrome. Sadtoo gave you great advice. He will stay a victim as long as you let him. If and when you do call him, keep it simple. Since you are so horrible, fat, etc., etc., then you have assumed he wanted out. Tell him you have contacted an attorney to get advice on how to move forward. That may get his head out. The stronger you (seem) the better chance of shocking him out of his pity party. Hugs and good luck. We all know how much this hurts but strength is your best card.

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