I'm pretty sure that's a very standard response when a WS is first found out. They'd much rather cast blame than look in the mirror and realize what they've done. They call it the fog here (at least I think this is what they refer to as the fog). They're still caught up in affair fantasy rainbow unicorn sex land.
Good for you for kicking him out and not putting up with that nonsense. I do not know how long it'll take for him to come to his senses. I don't think anybody here can tell you that. Some people are so full of themselves and self-centered that they'll never accept responsibility for what they've done. Others get out of the fog faster than others.
My husband did his pent up rant at me when I first found out. I was actually really glad he did it, as it gave me insight into what he'd been telling himself and to his OW as to why it was ok that he was screwing other people. My husband's rant didn't last too long, though. And when he was done I told him well, guess what, when he takes a situation and goes and screw someone els e- that's 100% his responsibility.
That seemed to snap him out of his poor-me-I'm-so-justified fog. And he was sorry after that. He started acting on my demands immediately, and the walls he'd put up in defensiveness crumbled about 4 days later. We are 1 month out though, and the enormity of what he's done and the choices he's made is still hitting him. And I think, compared to many, he had a relatively quick "get out of the fog" period. So I think it may take a very long time for even the "quick" ones to realize exactly what they've done. I've read multiple places to expect it to be a 2-5 year process of healing/working through it =/
If it suits their purpose, they can and will be a victim forever.
Unfortunately you married a weak person. It's hard to say if he will ever take responsibility for his actions. I'm sorry.
DDay 1/15/2013
The reality is they are justifying their actions so the issue is you who must have been so wrong to have caused him to cheat. The truth is that you own 50% of the marriage but he owns 100% of the cheating.
Figure out what is best for you and focus on getting your affairs in order should you separate.
Be smart and work on your life while things become more clear. It will help keep you strong.
[This message edited by fireproof at 11:41 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]
Here's the sober truth. If the marriage was bad, they had two honorable options. 1. Work toward making it better. 2. Divorce.
Notice that having an affair was not one of the honorable options. Having an affair is dishonorable. It is cowardly. It is wrong. People who have affairs don't want to see themselves as being cowardly, dishonorable and in the wrong. So, what can they do? They can lie to themselves that their circumstances are different and somehow absolve them from the wrongness. They mentally collect every misstep and weakness of their spouse and throw that I'm their face as the reason for the affair, all to save their cowardly emotional states.
To answer your question about how long can they incorrectly blame you for their A, for a long time. Until they are somehow motivated to accept responsibility for their actions, blame shifting is more convenient than being honest with themselves.
And another thing. Do you realize that your WS probably feels that the pain you are feeling is also your fault? Absolutely. Since you "caused the affair", your pain must be your fault, too, right. This allows the unremorseful, delusional Wayward to not have to be too concerned about what you're going through.
[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 8:07 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]
And another thing. Do you realize that your WS probably feels that the pain you are feeling is also your fault? Absolutely. Since you "caused the affair", your pain must be your fault, too, right. This allows the unremorseful, delusional Wayward to not have to be too concerned about what you're going through
This is a great lightbulb awareness! And a great way of putting it. The idea of loving someone who doesn't feel normal human emotions makes me want to be very protective of myself.
Inability to feel empathy? Not connect with pain someone else feels or the pain the ws created, particularly for whom one loves?
It seems almost like an "attachment" problem (of the ws).
[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:45 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:46 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]
In the mean time, go see an attorney. Just to find out what your rights are and where you stand legally. Find out what would happen if you did divorce, cost, child support, any possible alimony, etc. Maybe look into filing for temporary child support.
And then start focusing on you. Maybe by the time he pulls his head out of his ass, you will have decided you deserve better.
Good luck
[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:26 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]
When another woman takes your husband, sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to LET HER HAVE him. OC born 2001 DDay 2002 Divorced 2003 Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
