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The good, the bad and some ugly.

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SoSorry17 posted 7/6/2014 00:04 AM

Got back from our vacation today. For the most part it was really great. Maine is lovely and the people where so friendly.

The first few days were really awesome. Swat seemed so happy. He had the whole vacation planned out like a typical cop would. I did manage to get some alone time with him, thank the parents and big brother for that. He treated me like I was some prize he had won. He held me, kissed me and was generally awesome. It scares me some times, I start thinking how stupid I am. Here is this man so many women would want, and he was all mine.

Sorry if this is tmi. While he has filed for divorce, he has put it on hold. He said he wanted to try to R and wanted our marriage. I think I pushed too far too fast. I posted the other day that I was going for it. Sex has never been a problem with us, but we never had hb and have only been intimate a few times since dday. We had a nice dinner and went for a walk and just talked about everything and yet nothing. We were just together if ya know what I mean. I tried that night, we had fun and I was happy. But something triggered him. I know sometimes just seeing me can be a trigger, but we had been alone for hours. Me naked got to him though and he wouldn't talk about it. I told him I was sorry for hurting him and told him if he wanted to talk about it I was there to listen to what ever he needed to say. He said to give him a couple of minutes and we would talk. That was Thursday, he hasn't said ten words to me since. Unless it was about the kids or if I needed to stop on the drive home. I tried holding his hand during the trip back and he just pulled away. The kids have been in bed for almost four hours now. Swat is just sitting on the deck listening to music and staring at his phone. He is angry again, I can feel it. I just don't know why. I want to help him so bad, but I don't want to hurt him anymore. It seems he can't be around me because it is too painful.

I know that I have to let the outcome go, and I am trying. Every decision I'm making is based on how he feels right now. I feel so stupid, I had what everyone wants. Did I appreciate it or value it? No, of course not. You never know what you had until you've lost it.

So any waywards out there lurking. Fix your shit before its too late. Affairs be it emotional or physical will ruin your life or the life of a good person, who only wanted to love you. Swat could have been the biggest ass on the planet, believe me he wasn't. There is no good reason for what I did. There will never be a good enough answer to why?

I know its not a sprint but a marathon. Tommorrow can be a good day or not. To think I used to love rollercoasters, this one......not so much.

burntashes posted 7/6/2014 03:58 AM


As upsetting as the sudden change in SWAT's attitude toward you may be right now, try to give him as much space as he needs. The first 2 years after my DDay with my H were roller coasters like this times a thousand. It is heartbreaking knowing you are the one that caused his pain, yet you can't take it away from him. But he has to process the pain on his own, in his own time, in his own way, and you can't do it for him.

Maybe ask him if he wants to talk or offer a hug, but if he says no, it's best to back off until he is more in the mood. Don't hang your feelings on how he thinks or feels, as it can become needy and put pressure on him rather than giving him the space needed to process all the sh*t he is dealing with. Focus on being present and work on healthy coping skills yourself.

Brace yourself for this pattern to repeat. Betrayal changes a relationship permanently. The painful reminder will always be there, and triggers can happen at anytime. It's hell of a sh*t sandwich for the BS to process, even when he is having a good time with you. It's taken me 4 years to understand the importance of letting go of control and relying on myself for peace. You seem like a faster learner. Work on you and just be there when and if he needs you. I wish you and SWAT healing.

HobbesTheTiger posted 7/6/2014 05:36 AM

Other than that I agree with what Burntashes said, I wanted to say you've been heard, and I don't know what else to say.

Best wishes to all of you. How have the kids been doing, and the rest of your family?

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 7/6/2014 07:12 AM

He is angry again, I can feel it. I just don't know why.

There doesn't always need to be a specific trigger to make your BH angry or sad or withdrawn. The reason he is angry is simple. You slept with another man. You gave yourself to someone other than your husband and that makes him angry. You having an affair will always be the answer to why he is angry. Now there will be specific things he will get angry about too but the overall theme is because you had sex with this OM and you allowed yourself to become emotionally attached to him.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out the specifics of my BH's triggers. It took me well over a year before I could understand that I didn't need to always know the specifics to give him support. And asking for specifics put my BH in a position of vulnerability that he wasn't always ready for. I don't need to know exactly what he is triggering about to recognize that he is hurting and let him know how sorry I am.

Also, keep in mind that he may have difficulty being the one to initiate conversations about the things that hurt him. It will be difficult for him to show you his vulnerability when you have proven that you are willing to hurt him. Don't be afraid to approach him. If you approach him and he says that it isn't a good time, respect that. But let him know that you are when he is ready.

A BS's emotions can change on a dime. It's perfectly normal. Right now it's impossible to understand the internal struggle that goes on. My BH said that he had a difficult time connecting the different sides to him, the happy HT, the angry HT, they all felt like different people to him. It was maddening for him.

They call it a roller coaster for a reason. There will be more downs than up as he processes the whole affair. One of my husband's favorite sayings is "it's not surprising that I'm angry sometimes. It's surprising that I'm not angry ALL the time".

SoSorry17 posted 7/6/2014 09:56 AM

Thanks for your replies. I know that I'm actually is biggest and most frequent trigger. I'm being as consistent with my actions and what I'm saying. I'm trying to make sure he and my family never have to doubt my actions or decisions again.

Swat slept on the deck last night and this morning made the kids and me breakfast. He made those f'ing Crepes again. He said he was going to the range to "get some trigger time". I told him that I was sorry that what I did made it so he couldn't sleep in the house. I asked that he not go shooting alone. He said he was going with some guys from work and my dad. He was holding me again and even gave me a kiss. He said "Please be patient with me, I'm just working through some things and I love you." He left with enough guns and ammo to fight a war. I'm stunned that he actually said that. I'm thinking WTF. I don't have a right to be patient, I created this mess and he's asking me to be patient with him! What does that mean? Why is he asking me to be patient? Why,why,why. Anyone have the million dollar answer?

SIL stops and drops off some things from vacation and we have some coffee. I've been looking for a new IC and she suggested a friend of hers. I know she is pushing Swat to see another therapist. SIL is really just a good person. She said she loves us both so much, but she is also very angry with me. I apologized to her again and she hugged me. SIL made a call and I've got an appointment tomm afternoon.

I want to thank you all for your support and advice to me and BH. Gotta go for a bit, the kids are ready to go swimming. I guess a week at the beach wasn't enough time in the water for them.

Schadenfreude posted 7/6/2014 10:18 AM

Patient? Probably because he thinks your preference would be to have this whole mess behind you. Outward appearances at least, you're doing better than him. You appear to have closed at chapter and moved onto a new one. He hasn't and won't for a long time. So yes, you are going to have to keep sucking it up and go along with his timeline/program if you want to help him heal. Seeing you and the tats probably is a trigger. Why not? They are now a part of the A.

She-Ra posted 7/6/2014 12:17 PM

Enjoy the high points and be understanding and patient through the bad. Try to learn from those moments and help any way possible. A good piece of advice that was given to me right after my dday was to apologize often BUT to be specific for what you are sorry for. And be humble and thankful to him for giving the second chance. If you ask him if he would like to talk use those moments to show your gratitude.

Most of all... Be there. It's going to be tough as you are experiencing but if he thinks you are going to leave him because it's "too tough" that's the worst thing to do. Show you are there.. Thick and thin. You aren't going anywhere unless he says so. Make sure he knows how thankful and how hard you want to work to change. For him to be proud of you again. I swear these are the only things that have helped my BH.

Good luck hun. Glad you are continuing to post and keep working.

MC_Jack posted 7/6/2014 13:19 PM

Me naked got to him though ...He is angry again, I can feel it. I just don't know why.
^^^ well some of these triggers can last a long time. Not as much for me anymore, but yes indeed seeing my wife naked was a trigger. In just seeing her cute body, which was supposed to be *special* and just for me, it didn't take long for me to visualize that body being penetrated and slobbered on by some OM. So much for *special* and just for me. That is a very hard emotional concept to let go of for some men. I am over 2 years out and it is still an issue at times, though it does not outwardly affect me anymore.

So, my advice is to keep on doing what you're doing - patience, suck it up, post here or talk to your SIL to cope.

Red Sox Nation posted 7/6/2014 13:32 PM

I told him that I was sorry that what I did made it so he couldn't sleep in the house.

Gently. He's likely going through mind-movies right now. Every time you bring up the pain he goes through during those mind-movies, it's yet another reminder.

He doesn't like that he feels the need to clear his head and sleep away from you. It's just the way it is right now.

So reminding him of this pain and that it bothers you may feel like you're trying to rush him through this process.

I don't think he wants you to keep apologizing. He wants you just to be the person you want to be. Whatever it was that made him fall in love with you in the first place. You didn't have to apologize to him then.

I asked that he not go shooting alone.

Unless there's something else going on, I don't see the point of assuming there's any danger in this. Many police enjoy the range because it's a process that improves a work skill and forces them to focus on something specific. And it's sometimes fun to wield something with that kind of power. It can be quite therapeutic.

So he may be doing something that actually helps him work toward your mutual goal. And you could be turning that around by making it yet another reminder that something is damaged.

He said "Please be patient with me, I'm just working through some things and I love you."

Isn't that really wonderful? Seems like a completely positive story, doesn't it?

You guys are going to make it. Resist the effort to make everything about the affair, just like you have to resist the effort to make everything about you.

Skan posted 7/6/2014 13:50 PM

The best thing that you can do for him, is to keep working on yourself. See your IC. Be utterly transparent. Be with him when he needs you and give him space when he needs it. Study him, to try to learn what he needs and the indicators that he may give out when he as a need for something, and then quietly, with no fuss, provide that. Be fully present for him, but in a non-aggressive, non-pushy way.

Triggers can and do come out of no where. Anything can fire them off. You can expect that after times where you've both had really great high points, that you're also going to have really low points. Be prepared for that. Having those wonderful, connecting times are really necessary. They will, however, trip triggers of sadness, pain, and endless repetitions of why. This is utterly normal. The good news about this is that, if you can ride these cycles, anticipate them and not panic when they happen, and offer unconditional support, the roller coaster will still occur, but the highs get higher, and the lows don't down so far. If you could graph them out, you would notice an upward trend to the cycles. So there's a long-term goal for you to look for that trend and to not panic over the fact that there are cycles. You're in it for the long-haul, so look for long-term goals and trends.

In other words, hang in there.

knightsbff posted 7/6/2014 14:03 PM


I get the wondering about him asking you to be patient with him... You're thinking he deserves eternal patience and then some right?

My BH is frequently uncomfortable sharing his pain with me. Look at the ways I used to cope before when I wasn't happy with everything in my world. Can you blame him? He's scared I can't handle the stress, the pain, the whatever... He's afraid I will *choose* to do something crazy destructive to blow up our lives again. I just keep working on me. Showing him I can handle it, and doing everything I can to make his life easier.

We are coming up on our two year antiversary. He is nowhere near healed. But he is better and I know he's trying. That's all I ask of him. It's all I need. Trying.

Tell him and show him how grateful you are for this chance. Show him you understand it is incredibly tough for him and you are there to help. It helped my BH when I shared some of my process and growth with him without expecting kudos in return. Occasionally he says something about the Chang and growth he's seen in me and I know he's glad, but he should have never been subjected to the damage inflicted on him because of my brokenness so I can hardly expect him to jump for joy as I *see* things he's known all along. KWIM?

You're doing great. Keep working. It's worth it!

william posted 7/6/2014 14:52 PM

I think its wise you worried about swat with firearms. He's under incredible stress. Letting him know you care isn't a bad thing. I disagree with the not saying sorry too. Say it often and mean it. It will go miles to aid the healing. Keep letting him know you are there, that you won't give up, that you love him, that its unfair he suffers for a mmess you made, that you want to help him, etc. Its vital he hear this over and over.

Schadenfreude posted 7/6/2014 16:24 PM

You want some good? Think about how you handled two incidents -- sleeping on the deck and going shooting. You didn't feel any need to call in the cavalry for help or attention on you but handled them yourself (ie no desperate calls to family for help) without losing it. Sure you weren't happy about them,,but you did after al handle them all by yourself.

And that's a very good thing

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 4:31 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

TheGivingTree posted 7/6/2014 20:41 PM

He said "Please be patient with me, I'm just working through some things and I love you." He left with enough guns and ammo to fight a war. I'm stunned that he actually said that. I'm thinking WTF. I don't have a right to be patient, I created this mess and he's asking me to be patient with him! What does that mean? Why is he asking me to be patient? Why,why,why. Anyone have the million dollar answer?

BS here. I have been following both you and SWAT. Maybe I can help answer your question. For me, all I wanted was for things to go back the way they were before I found out. I believed very deeply in our love, and never in a million years thought he would cheat on me because I never would have cheated on him. I too have asked my FWS to be patient with me as I am trying to adjust to the new reality that is my life. I am also in 100%, and I believe that we will survive this. But at 18 months out from DDay, I can see that it is going to take a long time to heal from this, but with love and patience, I think it can happen. Don't over think your BS's feelings. Give him time to process all of this.

redsox13 posted 7/6/2014 22:41 PM

BS here.

In my experience there is very little that my WS can do after a trigger has happened to make things better. What often does happen though, is that I remember the effort made later, and it helps me. It makes a difference if I trigger and wind up on the couch if I wake up and there is water next to the couch and a blanket over me. Small kindnesses, gentle words help, not in the moment, but when the moment is over. Kindnesses done with the knowledge that I need space and time to get over the trigger.

It does feel when they end like I need to ask my wife for patience. The trigger has nothing to do with something she has done recently, and I know that. Often I feel guilty and foolish afterwords. I know my wife cares, I know she is trying.

What is really important to me is that my wife not stop trying. I sometimes fear if the trigger has been bad that my wife may just throw in the towel. Its the last thing I want, and I think the last thing your H wants.

There are two ironies. The first, that my wife is the biggest cause of my triggers, but also is the one that gives me the biggest relief from them when they occur. The second is that when they happen my wife often feels like a failure, a bad person, someone with little self worth. The only person who really can see beyond the guilt and shame and worthlessness to the person who is beautiful and valuable and worth loving is me. I can see it, she cannot.

And because I can see it I ask for patience.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 11:09 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]

william posted 7/7/2014 02:17 AM

Redsox nailed it.

FixYou71 posted 7/7/2014 03:24 AM

Yes. Red Sox did nail it.
The trigger he experienced with you being naked was probably the mental image of OM seeing you in that same light. After I found out my H had kissed another woman (years after the fact) I couldn't kiss him. All I could think when I felt his lips on mine was that this is what it felt like for her. SHE felt his lips. husbands lips. SHE had his tongue in her mouth. SHE felt his drunk ferventcy to kiss her. That was no longer just mine. It had belonged to someone else. It was a secret the two of them shared. That secret makes it worse. It's almost like a bond they shared ...that the two of them were the only ones that knew.
As for him not being able to be near you, I have done that many many times over the last year. The pain can be all inclusive, fully invading your thoughts and completely overwhelming you. In those times it is almost impossible NOT to withdraw. Even if inside we desperately want to be comforted by our WS we are afraid to give in to that feeling. Afterwards there are absolutely times that there is real fear that this abundance of pain that we feel and the overwhelming emotion will be too much for our WS to handle. This is why he asked you to be patient with him. The benefit he has that I didn't have for the first 10 months after dday is SI. At least he is aware that his emotions and the level of pain he is in are normal, that he's not crazy. At least I hope he does. I didn't know that. I truly thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me to be in such extreme pain and I was really afraid I would lose my H because I couldn't fix it. I was afraid my 'weakness' was a turn off, that men wanted a confident women etc. I still struggle with that but in my logical moments I know better.
I don't know SWAT or the inner workings of his mind so take this next comment with that in mind but many times when I was distancing myself because of triggers or just plain being slapped in the face with reality, I secretly wished my H would not take no for an answer and demand to let him be there with me. I wanted him to fight for me, to beg to let him hold me. It's soooooo confusing in the mind of a BS. It truly sucks.
You sound like a wonderfully remorseful wife who truly does see and 'get' his pain. Letting him see that every chance you get will be very helpful to him in the long run.

[This message edited by FixYou71 at 11:14 AM, July 7th (Monday)]

OK now posted 7/7/2014 06:29 AM

I relate to the post from MC_Jack:

seeing my wife naked was a trigger. In just seeing her cute body, which was supposed to be *special* and just for me, it didn't take long for me to visualize that body being penetrated and slobbered on by some OM. So much for *special* and just for me.

Really a good job of summing up a BS's private agony.

I remember a great guy named Clint who posted a few years ago. He couldn't stay in the same room when his wife removed her clothes. He just imagined her doing that for the OM.

Something precious is lost when infidelity strikes a marriage and intimacy is degraded. Swat will have his 'mind movies' and only time will heal the wounds; but heal they will.

saturnpatrick posted 7/7/2014 13:35 PM

Tripple ditto "RedSox nailed it."

SoSorry17 posted 7/7/2014 13:42 PM

Thanks for the replies. Just got back from IC with the new therapist. First session kind of meet and greet thing. She asked why I was there and we talked about my affair for a bit. She is young and the smallest woman I've ever seen. My dd is bigger than her. But by the end I knew she would work for me. She said her husband is a State Trooper and she has dealt with a lot of marriage issues involving LEO and military types.

Also got some mail today. Some good, some bad and some really ugly. Good news first I guess. AP is being sentenced later this month for his PO violations. The DA's office asked me to send a victim impact letter, so I won't have to see him in court. The bad was mail from family court about the divorce. We have a court date set for October, its actually his birthday. The ugly was AP also sent a card. The return address wasn't familiar and it looked like some type of invitation and was addressed to both BH and me. I started reading it before I realized what it was. He says he loves me and I'm his soul mate. He berates BH and says horrible things to him. Now I have to file yet another charge against him. NC whatsoever is what the PO says. BH read it and looked sick. He just went to work out. He didn't say a word about it. So now I have to show this to the police. BH is hurt by me yet again.

How much more can one person take? I feel like a POS. This is gonna sound horrible, but I can't help. I have no excuse for what I did. I had a loving and supportive husband. Our sex life was great and he always managed to make me feel special and beautiful. He is a wonderful father and friend to my family. He wasn't perfect, he made mistakes we all do. Lord knows I've got my problems. When I stand back and look at the big picture I'm appalled at what I've done. I could have stopped this so many times before it ever happened. But for some reason I just could never tell BH I was mad or upset with him. I could tell the guys I had the EA's with and I could tell AP what I was angry about. But my husband, the man I really do love, couldn't let him know could I. I can't be seen as a bitch, by him. How f'ed up is that? I can't be seen as bitchy, but for some unknown reason I was willing to be seen as the slut who cheated.(My words not bh. He still treats me with respect even when he's angry.) Because seriously do we really think they will never find out?

Maybe Swat really is better off without me. It isn't what I want and he doesn't seem to want it either. But I keep thinking he could do so much better. Is it fair to keep hurting him? Because that's all I ever seem to do.

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