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Saw OM today. Progress, yes. but a long ways to go

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KeepOnMovin posted 7/6/2014 00:46 AM

I had to run an errand today and made a quick trip to a department store. Heading toward the cleaning supplies I walk past a younger man with two little boys. I noticed something familiar about him and he looked right at me, then looked away, admonished his boys for something, and kept walking.

i nearly froze. I didn't recognize him at first, but it was fucking OM. i hadn't seen that POS for two years. There were several OM's, but THIS was the one who finally busted my family apart. he was the one that stuck it in STBX and worried her that she may be pregnant.

my heart started racing and my immediate reaction was to turn. i so wanted to confront him. i had so many emotions. i wanted to beat his ass. i wanted to break his family up like mine and been broken up. i wanted him to only see his kids every other week or even less. i wanted to expose his cheating ass. GOD! i wanted some kind of revenge.

I called my sister. she told me nothing good could come from a confrontation. so i busied myself with what i came to the store for. While talking to her, i saw him again in the checkout line, as i was leaving. his wife was with him this time and she was all smiles. he looked at me and then glanced away. i kept on walking like i didn't see him. i so wanted to expose him to his wife. (On the advice of my counselor, I never told the other BS.)

Part of me felt like less of a man for not going after that POS. i wanted to text STBXWW and tell her that AP was in town. Maybe she wanted to to apologize to his wife for screwing her husband? I wanted either of them to feel the pain i was feeling.

i thought if/when i ever saw this asshole again, i would feel like thanking him for finally removing my blinders to how shitty STBXWW really was. but it wasn't like that at all. i was angry and hurt. started thinking that this douche was somehow better than me, after all STBXWW chose him. GOD! it felt like i took so many steps back today.

I was shaking when i got home. I texted a good friend; my NC accountability partner. She helped talk me down. she helped me to realize the positives from the encounter. I just was so not expecting this kind of emotion, nearly two years removed from Dday.

Am i better. yeah. i was able to recognize my feelings and respond to the situation rather than react. I realized that if i made a scene, i would probably look like the crazy person. i realized my reacting to seeing him would feed his ego. and if i texted or chewed out STBXWW, i was just feeding her ego kibbles.

am i healed. um...no. if i were healed, i wouldn't have had that emotional tidal wave. but it didn't ruin my day either. it took me an hour or so to regain my composure, but i did.

ThrownAwayTwice posted 7/6/2014 01:58 AM

Wow, you did so much better than I think I would. I worry that if I ever run into the stupid teenager, I will end up with assault charges filed against me.
I am seriously impressed with your self control.

[This message edited by ThrownAwayTwice at 1:59 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]

wonderpets posted 7/6/2014 02:57 AM

My dream encounter with OM isn't hostile. If he was with his wife, I would very pleasantly introduce myself as the husband of the woman he dated a couple years back. I would politely answer any awkward questions, and ignore any hostility. I would have fun with it!

sparkysable posted 7/6/2014 07:08 AM

I don't know why your counselor would have advised to not tell the BS. That poor woman, she is living a lie, thinking everything is ok. Her pain is being delayed.

tesla posted 7/6/2014 08:47 AM

Wow. I think you handled that remarkably well.
(((KOM)))

FaithFool posted 7/6/2014 10:05 AM

Ugh, you handled that well.

Ditto what sparky said, though, I would have told the wife on the spot. Poor thing has no idea...

SBB posted 7/6/2014 11:04 AM

I don't know why your counselor would have advised to not tell the BS. That poor woman, she is living a lie, thinking everything is ok. Her pain is being delayed.

^^This. Not for vengeance or justice but because she deserves to know.

I'm glad you didn't confront - it could have escalated and kids don't need to be exposed to that stuff.

There was no BS in my situation (that I had evidence of) but I honestly don't think I could sleep if there were BSs who were in the dark.

Even if he was alone and divorced you would still have had the same reaction. We all would. I'm lucky in that I haven't seen OWUmpteen so this is not something I have had to endure.

STBXWW didn't chose him - he was just the nearest fucked up idiot. The lowest hanging fruit. What kind of man tolerates another mans sloppy seconds? What kind of woman tolerates another woman's sloppy seconds? Yuck.

He is living a lie. He probably has left so many BHs in his wake he might have struggled to work out which WW was married to your.

What2Do76 posted 7/6/2014 16:38 PM

Good for you for not losing it on him.

I agree with the other posters, the BS needs to know. Maybe your Ex wasn't the only one that WS was with.

I think talking with BS with the WS there would have been really difficult to pull off on such short notice. How could anyone do it?

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to approach that woman with an opener where you got all the information out and without the WS defending himself or attacking you. If there are also little children there, that would make it 5 times more difficult.

"Pardon me, you need to know about what your husband has been up to with my ex wife."


If they are buying things in the department store they are locals and there is a chance you might see her again with out her WH.

Jduff posted 7/6/2014 22:20 PM

Shit, I would have at least grinned at the OM, then visibly point to his wife while I mouthed out to him clearly so he can read my lips saying "I.Know.Her.Now". Then laugh out loud.

From that point forward he will be worrying what day will be the day you actually cross his wife's path and have that special conversation.

KeepOnMovin posted 7/6/2014 23:41 PM

Not telling the other BS has kept me up at night. i feel guilty for not outing OM to her. it makes me sick sometimes.

I was a mess when i found out about my wife's affair. i suspected she was no longer trustworthy, but as you all know, that sick feeling when you find out for sure is almost intolerable.

When i found out for sure, i told STBXWW i was going to tell the other BS. She begged me not to. told me it would ruin his family and she was still denying an affair. later she told me OM was suicidal over his guilt. i was stupid enough to believe her.

The MC agreed. She said my motivation was revenge and it wasn't going to be good for anybody. OM might hurt himself. STBXWW could lose her job, would for sure never get an administration job in this town and there was the possibility i would lose my youngest son if she moved away.

So, i still feel like she should know. my divorce will be final in 10days (God i hope so!). i considered using that (outing OM) as a bargaining chip, in negotiations, but that's not really my style.

my goal has been to take the high road throughout this ordeal. but that doesn't excuse me from not telling the other BS.

Have i waited too long? how long is too long?

h0peless posted 7/7/2014 00:29 AM

People knew for years that my ex was cheating on me. I still remember the looks of pity I got from people, especially her family, who knew what she had been up to for pretty much our whole relationship. Imagine how much of a chump I felt like when I found out our whole relationship was a lie, when I found out that I had wasted a third of my life to that point on someone who didn't give a shit about me. It was pretty awful.

It's never too late for the truth. Seriously, as much pain as it will cause her, the BW needs to know. Find a kind, gentle way to tell her, send evidence and do the kind thing. Living an unwitting lie sucks.

SBB posted 7/7/2014 04:40 AM

It is never too late. Get all of your proof together and find out how to contact her. Emails/FB can be intercepted - a phone call can not.

He is STILL cheating - even if she doesn't believe you she will keep a closer eye on him. She deserves to know. Not to stick it to him or to get back at him but for her own health and wellbeing.

I think you'll feel a whole lot better too. One more tie cut.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/7/2014 07:04 AM

It's never too late.. BH in my case never told me either, and they were almost done with their divorce on my D-Day.. I considered him an accomplice in continuing my suffering. If he was going to divorce his WW, doesn't he think maybe I would want to divorce my WH if I knew?!?

Why did everyone have to keep this a fucking secret from me?!?

As a BW, please, gather your evidence and give it to her. Make sure she knows there is no way you are lying. Texts, emails, pictures, anything. Give her the gift of the truth.

KeepOnMovin posted 7/7/2014 10:36 AM

when I learned of my wife’s infidelity, I was unaware of SI and what I needed to do to protect myself. I really only have circumstantial evidence I could share with OM’s BW. All it really consists of are a large volume of text messages between the two of them in an excel spreadsheet. I quit tracking her activity after I found out, and I quit looking at the phone bills. Was only pain shopping.

Several saved searches on her computer are what tipped me off. These included “natural family planning”, “withdrawal method of birth control”, “most fertile time of the month to get pregnant”, “plan b birth control” and “the morning after pill”. I also found a credit card receipt to the drug store in the exact amount for Plan B morning after pill.

When I confronted STBXWW, with that circumstantial evidence, she lied to me at first. After much persistence, she verbally admitted she “crossed the line” with this douche, but that it was not an affair. I have no voice recording of that encounter, and no emails between the two of them. Nothing. No hard and fast evidence.

The only hard evidence I do have are printouts of emails between her and a single man (before Dday and before he was married), and electronic emails between her and a divorcee in Dallas, which happened that same summer and even a bit later.

I just thought I should send her a letter letting her know her husband has cheated on her in the past, and she needs to keep her awareness up, watch the phone bill for suspicious activity, and let her know about SI. Any evidence i send could easily be refuted. I certainly don’t wish the pain I experienced on anybody, and I admit it feels like opening up an old wound.

ETA: there is no content in the text message list. just time and from/to info

[This message edited by KeepOnMovin at 10:36 AM, July 7th (Monday)]

Thefly559 posted 7/8/2014 07:09 AM

I dread the day I see him (om) for the first time in person , near my kids 7,9. I pray to god I have that control you had. I have and had all the same feelings. I caught her in a hotel with him at 2am and didn't go in or do anything, ( so out of character for me if you knew me ) this was very hard but I did it and yes still have regrets of walking away. If there is a god and karma does exist then it will take its course. all the best brother you are far from alone here.

sparkysable posted 7/8/2014 09:39 AM

It's never too late. Give her what info you have. If she ignores it, that's on her, but chances are she will realize that where there is smoke, there is fire.

People knew about my XWH's A, but nobody told me. When I found out who knew and didn't tell me, the betrayal just gutted me. I felt like my life was like the movie The Truman Show. Everyone around knew my life was a lie, except me. It would have been nice if someone would have tipped me off to what was going on in my own life. Instead, THEY made the choice to deprive ME of the truth about MY own life.

manticore posted 7/12/2014 21:15 PM

sorry but waht bad advice your IC gave you, why would you not informed the other BS.

all of them have the right to know just as you, imagine that someone had make you the favor to inform you the first time your wife cheated, taht is the right thing to do, living in deceive is horrible.

you are taking form this women the power of decission, just because these OM are not cheating with your wife anymore, it does not mean they are not cheating with other women.

ther rigth thing to do is inform these women so they know wuth what kind of men they are married nad they can decide if is worth to reconcile or to leave, damn even all the FWW for the WW side section advice to inform the OBS

flup posted 7/12/2014 23:23 PM

I outed the OM every way I could... If I didn't, I would have regret - for me, for backing down in the face of those who wanted to "protect" OM (my IC, our MC, fWW) - and for the other BSs.

I had to do what was right - in my heart - and tell their wives who they really were married to. I didn't enjoy it, but I'll never regret doing it - not for a minute. They didn't deserve the situation and neither did I, but I let the truth prevail.

IMO, if you keep this to yourself, it will eat you alive and not allow you to get past any of this. Do what YOU think is right, and let the chips fall where they may. You'll have less stress, lower blood pressure, and probably live longer.

norabird posted 7/13/2014 00:44 AM

Your idea of a letter to the BW sounds great.

Also, serious congratulations for keeping it together and for not spiraling more than you did. I think your reaction was amazing. Kudos to you.

Heal&Deal posted 7/13/2014 08:06 AM

Way to demonstrate self control! It took a lot and showed your strength.

The fact that your STBXWW, at one point, thought she might be pregnant, would tend to indicate that safe sex techniques were not in place. Really the only way to ensure not carrying disease home to ones's spouse is to not have PAs, which is clearly not the case for this jackass. The other BS continues to unwittingly risk exposure to STDs as long as she does not know that her husband is a cheater.

In my case there was no other spouse, so I haven't been in the trenches on this one, but I have had to suffer waiting for test results to come back and praying for myself & my child that they would be clean. At the end of the day, I am so thankful to have escaped with my physical well being. To give someone else a shot a protecting their body seems like the right thing to do.

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