"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

DWelshe posted 7/6/2014 06:59 AM

Its been a while since i posted on here, but i need help with some answers.
Alot has happened between myself and my ex. There was a point where things semed to be going well where we were chatting for a week. Then it went into a massive spiral of no contact, only speaking to me on the weekend as thats the only time she can get away with it with out her family knowing.

I guess the main thing I'm confused about at the moment is last night, I went out for a friends birthday. She was out but we avoided each other the whole night. Until I was about to leave to go somewhere else. We ended up talking she was upset, but I always made sure I was sincere.

I get a message then saying she is outside my house, so she comes in and we talk. Both of us crying, talking about everything, that I don't act like i care. To which i told her, I've done everything that you wanted. When you asked for space I gave it, when you wanted to talk I talked. When you wanted to feel wanted i made you feel wanted. Even if i did get a fuck off and leave me alone. I then gave her space again.

We ended up having sex. And she said she enjoyed her time with me, I told her that I love her and I do care, and she said she knows that. She said this will be the last time we do this. But this situation has happened so many times before. When I am speaking to her face to face. She can see everything that I am saying I'm being honest and truthful about. I know she says that she can't trust me to which i reply. I want to show you, she says I am enjoying being here with you like this, and I say It dosn't just have to be this one night.

I guess, I don't know what to think about all this. She opens up to me physically and emotionally but dosn't want to be with me. I accept that were not getting back together, but then we have moments like this that give me hope, I know shes confused and upset and angry.

WS's I don't know what to make of this. Is this just for her to get over me, or is it because she still has those feelings for me shes conflicted. I know the trust issues are still there. But she says when being with me physically she says she can see the love and affection. Is there any hope ?

I need advice, I'm struggling to process any of this

DWelshe posted 7/6/2014 07:08 AM

Also I did ask does she want me to a D***head, if thats what she needs to move on to make it easier for her. To which she replied no. And has blocked me on Facebook again

[This message edited by DWelshe at 7:10 AM, July 6th (Sunday)]

DrJekyll posted 7/6/2014 07:19 AM

you are 3 month out from dday. And yes she is confused. At 6 months out from dday my BS goes back and forth from wanting to work through and wanting to leave. We have days where the only reason she stays is for the kids. But then the next day can end up to be so intimate. She is trying to sort out her feelings. If you want to work through with her. I would recommend pursuing her. And taking the rejection that comes with it. But first and foremost, what are you doing to "fix your shit" What are you working on to be a safe partner? for your XBGF or any future GF/W? Have you sorted through your "Whys"

DWelshe posted 7/6/2014 07:28 AM

Im currently waiting for my counselling to come through via my GP. There is a long waiting list. I have been focusing on getting a new job with better money so I can move out of the house I am currently in. As that doesn't help with my R. I know at the moment I am actually able to open up emotionally and talk.

I know my whys, that I would bottle things up as I always had to do that when I was younger with my FOO issues. A lot of people who know about the situation have noticed changes and made comments about them, that i am maturing. I want to pursue this. She saying that she dosn't trust me and i accept that. She said she is speaking to other people but not because she wants to.

Brandon808 posted 7/6/2014 07:37 AM

Also I did ask does she want me to a D***head, if thats what she needs to move on to make it easier for her.

I appreciate that you offered to do that out of a sense of wanting to help her move on. I do.

Don't ever offer to do anything like that again to any one for any reason.
The reason I say this is that your clearly are working on becoming a healthier person. A better person.

How you behave needs to be authentic and true to the person you are and want to be.

Daisy312 posted 7/6/2014 07:45 AM

BS here! To me it sounds like she may still have feelings for you but is embarrassed for it. Everyone that knows is probably telling her to move on, her head is probably telling her to move on. It's so difficult for the betrayed partner to stay with the person that ripped their heart out. If you aren't married and don't have kids I'm pretty sure everyone is telling her to run away and don't look back. I'm sure she's very confused. If she really means a lot to you then continue to work on yourself and continue to prove to her that you are sincere. If its meant to be she will come back. It s going to be difficult though if her family doesn't like you because even if she forgives you I doubt they will.

DWelshe posted 7/6/2014 07:45 AM

Thanks Brandon i appreciate that. Well my sister had text asking her about us all talking. And her acting as an intermediary. She said there's nothing more to talk about and that she wont be contacting me again

DrJekyll posted 7/6/2014 08:09 AM

I would bottle things up as I always had to do that when I was younger with my FOO issues.

I totally get this. With my FOO I never had an open encouraging area to express my feelings. I had the emotional maturity of a 10year old.

A lot of people who know about the situation have noticed changes and made comments about them, that i am maturing.

I hear these comments too. One thing for myself that I always have to "gut check" on. Making sure I am doing this for me. I make sure sure that I am not doing this for external validation or for a projected persona of how I want to be viewed.

And to reitterate what daisy said

Everyone that knows is probably telling her to move on, her head is probably telling her to move on.

From what I have seen, this is the general consensus. At 19, I am sure that her parents have quite the influence. And if they do not like you, which if they know I am sure this is the case, you not only have to win her trust but that of her parents also. Because a ramification of betraying their daughter is you have betrayed them too.

It s going to be difficult though if her family doesn't like you because even if she forgives you I doubt they will.

For this reason alone my BS has not told her family.

DWelshe posted 7/6/2014 09:00 AM

Thank You Daisy tbh its nice to hear a WS point of view. Thats why i left it open as i do need both sides.

I agree with the statement

To me it sounds like she may still have feelings for you but is embarrassed for it

As when i said it, I could see it was eating her up and felt guilty for saying it because i was being selfish without wanting to be.

Yes they are and I don't blame them for saying that. I am continuing by talking about it to people get a broader understanding of myself. Just waiting for this reply for counselling, think i might call my GP and try to see whats happening about it.

I want this change, I don't want to be that person. And i know I am improving. I guess getting the validation does help as I guess it helps me realize that yes it is starting to work. I know at the moment her family don't trust me and I don't blame that either.

My sister had texted her I guess acting as the middle ground for both her and myself. I wont type out all of it, but these were the last two messages.

I don;t want him to do anything, Im done now. Im so tired of it all. I dont want him and im not giving him hope, but i can see how it comes across like that. Ive told him over and over that i could never give him another chance and i really dont know why ive gone back to him like i did last night. But ive really got to put an end to it all and that what im doing now

So that is why she has now blocked me on facebook. And the reply back to her was

You both now need to go your seperate ways to heal. You both still love each other but i think its best you stay away from each other for the time being. He accepts that your not getting back together. If you do ever want to speak you should do it when you are both healed and have not been drinking

I know she wont tell her fmaily she has spent nights with me before and aswell as last night. I know i need to focus on myself and healing now. And i guess like you said daisy if its meant to be she will come back and we will deal with those obstacles together

DWelshe posted 7/9/2014 01:32 AM

Later on that because I found login details for her Facebook on my computer even though deleting them. Because I cannot message her. I asked my sister to. Wish I could have done it myself. But I'm glad she told. She was angry. But she did not contact me to vent. Maybe she realized I just wanted to be honest. I need her to do that I guess for me not to have temptation. There was a bit of back in for in talking. But XBGF in one message us moving on is basically like we are forgetting what has happened. I appreciate my sister speaking for me. And th jist of her reply was that I will never forget and that I feel shit about all this that's why he is changing himself. That we both need to move on and heal. I hope it was good for her to get another's point of view. As my sister is very unbiased in these situations.

But I guess I'm finding it all difficult at the moment. I am speaking to other people I guess just to meet new people. And forntje same reasons she said that she was speaking to someone else.

not because you want to not to in a way, more to distract yourself from the pain

It does help distract I guess. I have accepted that XBGF and I won't be getting back together. But I guess I keep beating myself up more and more everyday. Just replaying how I was with her before. And how I know I can be like in the future. I wish I could prove to her that I would regain that trust back. Atm all I can think of is hating myself. I want to prove to everyone I can do this because I know I can be a better person.

Guess I'm also thinking about our sex life aswell. As the times before she wanted to see the love and passion and I did. I was unable to do this before due to my own personal issues. And I guess when we are in that physical position she sees what I am saying is the truth.

Guess I'm looking for some support or advice. We are doing NC atm. She has blocked me on Facebook. Which I guess she needs to do, as to not view me or message myself. Which she used to do on the weekends. Guess I feel like a lost sheep just standing there unsure of how to feel and how to go about everything. I know I can't peruse her, as much as I would want to. I know it's her decision to speak to me now. But I know it's only going to be about getting angry or want physical contact not about us getting back together. If she does does get in contact again. Which isn't good for me or for her.

Feel like my head could explode. Help me.

DWelshe posted 7/9/2014 01:49 AM

I guess part of her might still be confused. Even if she does say we are never getting back and that she will never trust me again.

But I'm getting so many triggers all the time. and I end up beating myself over it. Start to feel sad, upset. Feel helpless. Talked about to family to much and there getting sick of it. Even though I know it's over I can't help but speak about it.

[This message edited by DWelshe at 6:02 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

DrJekyll posted 7/9/2014 08:32 AM

Dwelshe

that is what we are here for. keep coming here to talk. how is the therapy schedule coming?

DWelshe posted 7/9/2014 10:09 AM

Thank you. I really need to speak about it. Sometimes I'm angry sometimes I'm upset.Had a little breakdown in work just crying. Atm my therapy is talking about it realizing what I have done and being able to put it into practice. I'm still waiting for the doctors to sort out counselling. All they said is that to call on Friday. See if I can get some answers from the person who does it

That's why my posts seem so frantic and all over the place. Hopeful and selfish.

[This message edited by DWelshe at 10:09 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]