I've had so much going on and am puzzled at my reluctance to post and share because I know you'll all help me. So. I'm going to try to just dive in.
STBX is very sick. He was when he started his A. I think his Parkinsons diagnosis was a catalyst to his madness. Nonetheless, it really doesn't matter does it? He was admitted to the hospital last month and was inpatient for a week and a half. He called me every day. Why? He wanted me to know the docs were considering amputating his leg above the knee. Yay me. I get to hear all about his wounds. I get to know that they have taken chunks of flesh from his leg to try to save it. He informs me that I really don't want to see his leg. No shit? I nursed him for more than a year when he was critically injured in 2002. I have a weak stomach and literally freeze up when my kids are hurt or sick. I am thankful, so very thankful that we have medical personnel that can do these things to help.
So; I had been to the home in Boston a few months ago and noticed that shitlicker seems to be absent. No hint of her skanky ass anywhere. While talking to me and giving me gruesome details of his self inflicted, bacterial infected, rotted, falling off leg I asked if he had someone helping him. Why??? Because I knew he was on his own and nobody gives a shit. He wouldn't admit it but why else call and converse with me in great detail? Because he's alone. He's had a visiting nurse daily since his release from hospital so at least he's being watched and looked in on. (I know, why do I care?) If he was a dog I'd care too I guess.
He has been VERY apologetic since then. I mean he has apologized every time we've talked re: finances. I'm sorry is said over and over and over. I just keep saying that I know he is. I knew he was sorry as soon as it started but he couldn't possibly be seen as remorseful That would be a huge blow to his ego. The ego I so skillfully danced around for 20 years. I sincerely know he was sorry then and is now. But who gives a rat's ass. Too little too late.
When I first talked to my attorney a couple of years ago I told him he's killing himself and my attorney asked me how long I wanted to wait for him to die? I had already been waiting two years for him to die. Good question right? Well, more than two years later and he's still kicking. Okay, bad joke. But now a couple of friends are saying that I should delay the divorce because he's obviously not going to live much longer. What if he lives another 5 or 10 years??? God help me for wishing he would die. I really wish it some days but I know it would kill me to know he's done this to himself. Why? Because I've spent the better part of my life taking care of him and his rotten sons. Them, I really despise for their selfishness. They're starting to call MY kids and relatives that I'm estranged from to get his number. I'm certain they are concerned about inheritance. Not their dad, his money.
He has finally become responsive to my fears over finances and has been trying to make life easier for me which of course saves his arse too. He's taking responsibility for the destruction and knows (he says) how frightening it's been for me to keep afloat and not lose our investments. I've faced forclosure on six occassions and was able to get back above water but I'm still treading. Though I did treat myself to a lobster yesterday!
That's another part of this that's "bothering" me. I've felt pretty good for the last six months or so. Thank you guys so very much! I ventured into an online relationship with a wonderful man and was falling for him and falling hard. Someone here said to me when we fell apart that I may have sabatoged (sp) that relationship because it was everything I've always wanted. In retrospect I think that was spot on. He was everything I've wanted. Is everything I've always wanted. Ah well. It's a loss that I regret even today. I'm just so out of touch with how to date and I'm sure I scared him off forever.
During all of this I've started to take art classes again. Not so much to learn, never was, though I certainly do learn new techniques every time, but to inspire and help me get in touch with that side of my brain. I've actually been in my studio and feel the creativity returning. I've set up my pool. I've managed to control the wilderness aka my gardens somewhat. Sure there are weeds everywhere I look but it's manageable. I've hung a swing that sets my soul completely free. I've wanted that swing on that specific tree for nearly a decade! I finally have it and I'm in love with it. A swing. Such a simple gift to myself and it sets me free. It literally frees my heart. I even went to a concert to hear Tom Rush and it was wonderful and nostalgic. I haven't paid attention to music in a very long time and Tom Rush is such a long ago memory that it revived me to go back to that time in Boston so many decades ago, to relive those hippy days. One of the best things I do for myself is putting my doggies in their Jeep stroller and walk the path into town. While walking them people all naturally look to see what my cute baby looks like and then the funniest expressions cross their faces as they get a load of two yorkies, one black and the other blonde with her tongue hanging out. The blonde is Stella and the carriage saves dogs and kids from being eaten alive. She tries to jump and bite, although she has no teeth left! Hambone is a rescue and he's scared to death of everyone! It's absolutely hilarious. Makes me happy every time.
This weekend I was told that I need to get laid. Yes. It was said exactly like that and the person that said it thought he was just being a friend. OMG. I looked at him and said that I never want to get laid again. I want to be held. I want my hand held. I want to be cherished. I want my heart, soul AND my brain to be admired and respected. Then, out of cruelty, I guess, I told this person "Hey, you know what?" I love giving BJ's. I'm good at it too! But I'd rather die than do that with just anybody." Really. I said it to be cruel because this "man" has no clue. No clue whatsoever what it would take to be with a woman like me. None. I pity him because he's just not that bright. I doubt he'll ever have a quality relationship. He is a good mechanic though...
I guess I'm having a hard time knowing that is what a lot of the men think. I need to get laid. I've been on the bus for more than four years. Getting kissed is going to scare the shit out of me. The only men that give me more than a passing glance are tourists in town that don't know me. Everyone is wondering when I'll give it up and just get laid. What the hell is up with that? I know they want me to be happier than I've been and I'm working that as hard as I can. I'm doing my best to be sociable and to get out of the house. To stop running and hiding from people. From being close. Then I think of the man that got scared of me and how I felt. I opened up to him for months and I scared him.
So. I'm being told to stop the divorce because he's going to die and I should just go out and get laid. It infuriates me and makes me question my goals and my dreams and my hopes for a better me, future and love. My head is literally spinning right now. There is so much I'm leaving out, I hope that enough of you know and/or remember my stories so that you can help me process all of this.
I love you guys....