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I need to get laid? Very long post..

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curiouswiz posted 7/6/2014 07:52 AM

I've had so much going on and am puzzled at my reluctance to post and share because I know you'll all help me. So. I'm going to try to just dive in.

STBX is very sick. He was when he started his A. I think his Parkinsons diagnosis was a catalyst to his madness. Nonetheless, it really doesn't matter does it? He was admitted to the hospital last month and was inpatient for a week and a half. He called me every day. Why? He wanted me to know the docs were considering amputating his leg above the knee. Yay me. I get to hear all about his wounds. I get to know that they have taken chunks of flesh from his leg to try to save it. He informs me that I really don't want to see his leg. No shit? I nursed him for more than a year when he was critically injured in 2002. I have a weak stomach and literally freeze up when my kids are hurt or sick. I am thankful, so very thankful that we have medical personnel that can do these things to help.

So; I had been to the home in Boston a few months ago and noticed that shitlicker seems to be absent. No hint of her skanky ass anywhere. While talking to me and giving me gruesome details of his self inflicted, bacterial infected, rotted, falling off leg I asked if he had someone helping him. Why??? Because I knew he was on his own and nobody gives a shit. He wouldn't admit it but why else call and converse with me in great detail? Because he's alone. He's had a visiting nurse daily since his release from hospital so at least he's being watched and looked in on. (I know, why do I care?) If he was a dog I'd care too I guess.

He has been VERY apologetic since then. I mean he has apologized every time we've talked re: finances. I'm sorry is said over and over and over. I just keep saying that I know he is. I knew he was sorry as soon as it started but he couldn't possibly be seen as remorseful That would be a huge blow to his ego. The ego I so skillfully danced around for 20 years. I sincerely know he was sorry then and is now. But who gives a rat's ass. Too little too late.

When I first talked to my attorney a couple of years ago I told him he's killing himself and my attorney asked me how long I wanted to wait for him to die? I had already been waiting two years for him to die. Good question right? Well, more than two years later and he's still kicking. Okay, bad joke. But now a couple of friends are saying that I should delay the divorce because he's obviously not going to live much longer. What if he lives another 5 or 10 years??? God help me for wishing he would die. I really wish it some days but I know it would kill me to know he's done this to himself. Why? Because I've spent the better part of my life taking care of him and his rotten sons. Them, I really despise for their selfishness. They're starting to call MY kids and relatives that I'm estranged from to get his number. I'm certain they are concerned about inheritance. Not their dad, his money.

He has finally become responsive to my fears over finances and has been trying to make life easier for me which of course saves his arse too. He's taking responsibility for the destruction and knows (he says) how frightening it's been for me to keep afloat and not lose our investments. I've faced forclosure on six occassions and was able to get back above water but I'm still treading. Though I did treat myself to a lobster yesterday!

That's another part of this that's "bothering" me. I've felt pretty good for the last six months or so. Thank you guys so very much! I ventured into an online relationship with a wonderful man and was falling for him and falling hard. Someone here said to me when we fell apart that I may have sabatoged (sp) that relationship because it was everything I've always wanted. In retrospect I think that was spot on. He was everything I've wanted. Is everything I've always wanted. Ah well. It's a loss that I regret even today. I'm just so out of touch with how to date and I'm sure I scared him off forever.

During all of this I've started to take art classes again. Not so much to learn, never was, though I certainly do learn new techniques every time, but to inspire and help me get in touch with that side of my brain. I've actually been in my studio and feel the creativity returning. I've set up my pool. I've managed to control the wilderness aka my gardens somewhat. Sure there are weeds everywhere I look but it's manageable. I've hung a swing that sets my soul completely free. I've wanted that swing on that specific tree for nearly a decade! I finally have it and I'm in love with it. A swing. Such a simple gift to myself and it sets me free. It literally frees my heart. I even went to a concert to hear Tom Rush and it was wonderful and nostalgic. I haven't paid attention to music in a very long time and Tom Rush is such a long ago memory that it revived me to go back to that time in Boston so many decades ago, to relive those hippy days. One of the best things I do for myself is putting my doggies in their Jeep stroller and walk the path into town. While walking them people all naturally look to see what my cute baby looks like and then the funniest expressions cross their faces as they get a load of two yorkies, one black and the other blonde with her tongue hanging out. The blonde is Stella and the carriage saves dogs and kids from being eaten alive. She tries to jump and bite, although she has no teeth left! Hambone is a rescue and he's scared to death of everyone! It's absolutely hilarious. Makes me happy every time.

This weekend I was told that I need to get laid. Yes. It was said exactly like that and the person that said it thought he was just being a friend. OMG. I looked at him and said that I never want to get laid again. I want to be held. I want my hand held. I want to be cherished. I want my heart, soul AND my brain to be admired and respected. Then, out of cruelty, I guess, I told this person "Hey, you know what?" I love giving BJ's. I'm good at it too! But I'd rather die than do that with just anybody." Really. I said it to be cruel because this "man" has no clue. No clue whatsoever what it would take to be with a woman like me. None. I pity him because he's just not that bright. I doubt he'll ever have a quality relationship. He is a good mechanic though...

I guess I'm having a hard time knowing that is what a lot of the men think. I need to get laid. I've been on the bus for more than four years. Getting kissed is going to scare the shit out of me. The only men that give me more than a passing glance are tourists in town that don't know me. Everyone is wondering when I'll give it up and just get laid. What the hell is up with that? I know they want me to be happier than I've been and I'm working that as hard as I can. I'm doing my best to be sociable and to get out of the house. To stop running and hiding from people. From being close. Then I think of the man that got scared of me and how I felt. I opened up to him for months and I scared him.

So. I'm being told to stop the divorce because he's going to die and I should just go out and get laid. It infuriates me and makes me question my goals and my dreams and my hopes for a better me, future and love. My head is literally spinning right now. There is so much I'm leaving out, I hope that enough of you know and/or remember my stories so that you can help me process all of this.

I love you guys....

Schadenfreude posted 7/6/2014 09:57 AM

This is legal advice, not marital except as it pertains to legal.

Years ago, I represented a man whose W had an affair. Filed for D and so did she. Adult kids, no minors.

H got sick and died during the D. W ended up with everything. Kids were pissed and wanted me to sue for em. Told them the truth- they were out of luck. Estranged from Mom as she'd had the affair and they thought it killed Dad.

So, is he really going to die? If so, you're getting the correct advice. Once divorced, you lose inheritance rights. Sons will be his heirs.

Talk with attorney about what happens if H dies while married versus not married. You'll need to know how assets are titled, pension provisions, etc. depends on laws in your state, so I can't give specific advice.

Remember Kenny Rogers the singer? Ruby, don't take your love to town comes to mind. Can't give you advice about whether you should follow the mechanic's advice or not.........

DepressedDaddy posted 7/6/2014 10:16 AM

CW, sorry to hear the story you just told. Just a few thoughts on my end...

First, you do whatever you want to do. Don't listen to anyone else and what they think you should do. If you feel it is time to finalize D proceedings, then do it. If you need to give it more time, then do that. Whatever you do, just make sure you do it because it is what you want. Plus, you are not being a bad person if you take care of yourself, dump his ass and he has to figure out how to take care of himself. He is not your responsibility. Was he being responsible to your needs when he decided to have an A?

Second, this whole thing with getting laid. If you want to get laid, go for it. If you don't, then don't do it. You will know when it is right. You also know when it is wrong. As a guy, sex is a great thing. For women, I know sex can be a great thing. I can assure you that not all men just want sex to have sex. Even for guys, when there is an emotional connection with a woman, the sex is insurmountably better. Men who objectify sex find it satisfying at addressing emotional grief, however it is a band-aid technique.

Again, sorry for your experience.

deena posted 7/6/2014 10:24 AM

But I'd rather die than do that with just anybody.
I hear you on this. Making love is so much more enjoyable than just having sex.

My lawyer had advised me to apply to the courts for a divorce, but that I didn't have to enforce it. This way I can still be on WH health insurance. We can live apart and just have a separation. Like a divorce without the papers??!!
Schadenfreude has a good point

GetEvenInAZ posted 7/6/2014 10:40 AM

So sorry you're dealing with WH that has health issues. It pits your humanity and compassion against the anguish of being betrayed by the one person who was help protect you. No advice-just my sincere sympathy and condolances and best wishes for dealing with it all and trying to find the right balance for you.

He says he wants to take care of I missing something, or is there some reason he just couldn't add provisions in his will?

As for getting are still married, regardless of health issues or legal issues. Do you really want to join the MadHatter club? Or do you want to ask his permission for sex-only relationship? Only you can answer those questions.

On a much lighter thing i did post-DDay-2 1/2 yrs later-was to have sex only "relationship" with hot French man half my age. Did wonders for ego!

PurpleRose posted 7/6/2014 10:51 AM

No one can tell you what you need.. Only you will know if and when you are ready to be with another man. It has been my experience that telling people to mind their own business is helpful to me. :)

I'm sorry about the status of your stbx's health. I think you need to get legal advice to know what you should do.

Helen of Troy posted 7/6/2014 11:55 AM

I saw a meme the other day that read "Masturbation keeps you from f-----g the wrong person"

How about a new BOB? no messy complications.

painfulpast posted 7/6/2014 12:07 PM

This weekend I was told that I need to get laid

I was told that this weekend too - BY MY HUSBAND.

Wait - need to get used to this - by my STBXH

curiouswiz posted 7/7/2014 11:00 AM

Thank you all so very much. I guess my next mission is to go and visit STBX and find out exactly what his health situation is. If I need to stay married is not really a question, I guess. I just need to see how soon he may die. Jeezus. I don't think it will impact me so much if we divorce or not. My atty. is pretty convinced that all the properties and investments will go directly to me. After more than four years of not paying a single bill nor alimony I am owed quite a nice sum of money. An amount he will never be able to pay. He also owes the atty. a ton of dough. The only variable would be pensions I think. I do worry that he'll die penniless because of his stupidity and gullibility. He feels he's all set. The only reason he feels that is because he is certain that I will never be cruel. Never have been, too him that is.

I told him last month that my attorney expects to take everything from him to accomodate the courts orders that he's ignored for the last two or three years. I can't remember dates well, I'm so confused and mixed up at times. Anyway, I told him we need to sit down to discuss these matters in person. He doesn't text, email or like his phone much either. He told me then about needing to see a doctor. I'm trying so hard to wrap my head around all of the work that needs to be done and it is the last thing I want to take care of. It's so much work and so damn depressing.

The court has set a hearing and final trial date. If I go ahead I will finally be divorced in November. More than five years from DD. I know that if he dies his family will come to me to arrange the funeral..they had me arrange their father and mother's final arrangements. I've been the glue that held that entire family together prior to DD and am still very close to them. I know all of the news from them and he has no contact with them since DD. None. So, it will be me setting up his arrangements. Nobody else would come forward for him. Even his sons wouldn't except to see what is in it for them.

As far as that guy telling me I should just get laid; I know that is the prevalent thought in this little town. More than a few have told me not to divorce and that they are amazed I haven't been out partying and looking for "it" in all this time. He's just the first to verbalize it to me. I sincerely believe he thought he was being a good friend. In all honesty I probably would feel better physically if I did go and "use" some man. But at what cost to my heart and soul? Jeez I turned 61 last month. Why in the world would I want to go get laid?? I would have gone looking to meet someone if was 40 years younger but at 61? No, I don't think so.

Painful past; I'm so sorry that bastard said that to you. I know that it's a common thing to say as an insult and it hurts and it also let's us know exactly where their priorities and emotional maturity is though doesn't it. You're so much better than that. I'm sure he thinks he's all that and then some and you should just get over it. Bastard.

Thanks again to all of you. Always here and always kind and always so intelligent. Thank you so much. So much to think about. GAH!

sparkysable posted 7/7/2014 12:30 PM

If possible, I would suspend the divorce and make sure that all the paperwork was in order so that I would get everything. After everything you've been through, it's the least that you deserve.

As far as "getting laid", I could never do that. I think broken people try to fill the void by "getting laid", but really, what does that accomplish besides feeling like shit after?

curiouswiz posted 7/9/2014 10:15 AM

I talked with STBX yesterday and told him I will be going down to talk with him sometime next week. I'm dreading this meeting. Since his release from the hospital he's been his "old" self again. I don't like it at all. What happened to the cruel bastard? I'm not doing well at all. I keep going back and forth on how to handle this situation.

I don't want to see him. Yet I need to see him. The only way I'll get to know just how ill he is. I've been running scripts in my head til I'm dizzy. How do I keep on track with just discussing finances? How do I let him know I really don't give a shit that he's sick beyond the fact that it will impact the divorce? I feel as though he never would have apologized for what he's done if he had not gotten so ill.

I will have to sit in my previously beautiful home and look at all the destruction that's been done while he and shitlicker did heroin and God knows what else and with who else. In the midst of all the destruction I will have to keep a cool head. How? What can I keep in mind while sitting there in my home that's been occupied by monsters for the last four years. How do I keep from being emotional? What can I do to keep tears at bay? I won't be crying for him and I won't be crying for the loss of the marriage. I will probably cry at the horror I've lived through. The abuse I did not deserve by any stretch of the imagination. I will probably cry because once again it's my resposnibilty to myself to be sure I'm okay. How can I not cry? I really want to be strong and to stand up for myself by not crying. I don't want him to think I have any feelings beyond an adult taking responsibility for my own future.

What questions do I ask? When he called about being in the hospital I know he expected me to run there and help him. I'm sure he's surprised that I haven't gone there to check on him. I don't want to ever see him again yet seeing him is the only way to know what I should do. I am sure I'd be better off as a widow and would not have to worry about anything. What the hell should I do? How can I control my emotions while there? The only person I feel sorry for is me and my dogs. My kids have been hurt terribly by this too. So much damage done to all of us. Please folks. Any suggestions or mantra's I can keep in my head to go through this? Should I write a list or just play it by ear until I see his condition? Should I have a plan? I feel as though I should know ahead of time what questions I need answered. He's well aware that the divorce is not going to go well for him. The court is truly disgusted with his antics. My atty. said I should try to work a mediation with him, letting him know he needs to hand it all over to me. With the proviso that he can have a tenancy of sorts in that apartment for a set period of time and that all the bills are to be paid through me with the monies being paid from alimony sufficient to cover them and to allow me to lead a normal lifestyle without burdens.

I'm lost and I'm so confused. I'm also finally reaching the anger stage! I so angry at the situation and the abuse he's made me live through. There is no apology in the world that can ever make up for the pain he's caused. I'm okay with the anger I just want to channel it into strength to get through the meeting next week. Any suggestions to make it through this? Thanks for helping me through this and all of the thoughtful answers in this thread.

kg201 posted 7/9/2014 10:48 AM

You are confused about what to do, because you are still being forced to experience the connection with your X. A D is one way to break this connection. The financial piece is just one thing to consider about whether to finish the D or not. The fact is that whether you D or not, the financial piece still needs to be figured out before he dies. Just letting it go is going to make things complicated when he passes. You don't know what he has hidden (if anything), if anyone else will step forward to make a claim, and if he has signed any other documents that dictate how he wants his assets distributed. Granted, being married give you priority, but it is still a messy legal issue. At least going through the D process will put everything on the table to be looked at and managed.

I am going into court tomorrow to hopefully finalize a D agreement. My X has terminal cancer, and was told last June 2-5 years. Who knows what the actual amount may be. What I am looking forward to is begin financially organized and free of her. The one thing at the moment being argued over is her life insurance. She wants a different trustee because she doesn't trust that I would use the money on behalf of the kid. The liar is doubting the word/integrity of someone (me) who has done nothing but to the benefit of her and the kids for 18 years. But the financial obligations will be clear as a result of the D. She chose someone else over me to take care of her health needs, and although it was hard at the beginning, and if she passes I worry about how to handle the needs of my kids in their grief, but her health is no longer my responsibility, emotionally, financially, nor in any other way. Her choice.

Good luck in your decisions, but I would think about what the best way to separate yourself from him.

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