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How about baby?

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Tigaress posted 7/6/2014 08:02 AM

Yesterday my husband graciously decided to contact me and let me know that he was with his cousin and not with his slut (that's what I had feared). He did not ask about our baby but now that he's back in contact I'm worrying what's going to happen when he starts requesting to see our little guy.
Last Sunday, after I found out about the slut, I kicked my husband out of the apartment. He has not seen baby since then - he also has not asked about him. My husband always was a father when he felt like it. Played a bit with our baby, took lots of photos with his iPhone and sent them to his parents or posted them on Facebook.
But I know he will eventually ask to see him. How did you handle situations like that?
I would not feel comfortable just letting him pick up our son and bring him back later - he did a few 'night shifts' but he has never really spent extended times with him alone and would probably not be capable of handling the little emergencies that can happen. Also, my husband is just by default inattentive and I'd be so worried that some 'accident' would happen. At the same time, it would be as awkward if he spent time with our baby here in the apartment. I'm not sure what to do.

mandolin555 posted 7/6/2014 08:39 AM

Hmmm...very good question. I say you be completely honest and tell him all those things. Coupled with the fact that you can't trust him in any area...I think it would be wise to meet out in public for visitation. Honestly though...don't let him use his ineptedness to get out of his fair share of responsibility. Make him see what being without you is REALLY like. That doesn't mean being able to drop all and head to Jersey. Or fucking around. He needs to think of baby as often as you do before making plans.

GotPlayed posted 7/6/2014 09:50 AM


Have you talked to a L? In most jurisdictions you can't deny him access to his kid, so tread carefully. On the other hand, if he's out of the house and you're separated, even temporarily, you probably shouldn't let him back in. What if he decides not to leave?

You should, like others said, have him pick him up and drop off in a public place, where he will behave. He's of course guilty and liable for any "accidents" that occur, and if he has a hard time, so be it.

Tigaress posted 7/6/2014 11:27 AM

I wish I could make him be responsible and think about the baby before he does things. But don't think that's ever going to happen. Before I kicked him out, it was already impossible to share baby responsibilities with him. He would just go to the gym and come back hours later or I would expect him home for dinner and he'd show up at 10 pm or later. One day, he stayed home when baby was sick. Only one day in nine months.
My absolute first priority is my child and when I wrote about 'accidents' I didn't mean my husband could get poop on his clothes. I meant that things could happen to the baby because he does not pay attention. He's always distracted with random crap. I wouldn't care if he caused himself problems or had a hard time but I won't let him hurt the baby inadvertently. And that's exactly what I'm worried would happen :-(

Daddo posted 7/6/2014 12:37 PM

Is he really incapable of watching a baby or is that your anger talking?

In most states, in most countries, he will get some custody. Children need both their parents - whatever happens to the marriage. I would not fight to prevent him from being a father. Do not fight over children - do not do that. Don't - unless he really is unsafe - and that is not what you describe here.

Your child needs a father - even if he is a lying jerk.

cissi posted 7/6/2014 12:45 PM

Your child needs a father - even if he is a lying jerk.

I do not agree with this statement at all. No child needs a father that is a liar and a jerk. Period.

Tigaress posted 7/6/2014 13:22 PM

Well he has never done it. I would not leave my baby with anyone, e.g. some babysitter, who has never independently watched over a baby for a few hours before. And he is accident prone because he never pays attention to anything he does.
In case we go for divorce, I would agree that he should be in our baby's life. But only if he gets his act together and managed to be a reasonable role model. If not ... I don't want my son to grow up and be the way he is now!

confused615 posted 7/6/2014 13:56 PM

There won't be anything you can do to prevent him from visitation with his child. The court will allow him time with the baby. Unless he does something that causes the child physical harm while he is taking care of him, he will get visitation.

I know. I'm sorry. It's not what you want to hear, but it is the truth. Unless he is a criminal, addict, or a drunk, the chances of you being able to stop him from spending time alone with th child are zilch.

There are many moms on the divorce forum who don't want their kids near their fathers..but have no choice. Even the sexual deviant fathers get visits..unsupervised with their kids.

I'm sorry. It's a shitty position to be in.

sadtoo posted 7/6/2014 15:27 PM

You need to see an attorney. You also need to start documenting his days of absence, lack of phone calls, not asking about the child, etc.

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